to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

As a society we need to start thinking less selfishly. Some life decisions are not just about us as individuals, but about another person who has no say in the matter.
Forget about what you want and think about what the child needs, what would the child want.

I am also really concerned about how widespread this method is becoming. With so many biological siblings around the world, not known to each other, goodness knows what the consequences will be for future generations, but I think many more genetic problems will arise.

I am glad that someone understands, Tangerinefairy (love the name).
I felt exactly the same on the egg donation thread that someone linked.
You can't just create a child, have the ideal life as far as you are concerned and think that 2 year olds having happy story books about their conception means everything is lovely.
There are complex issues that can't be imagined by those who have fathers- however absent or useless.
I was in the position where I would have liked to have done it, could have afforded to do it, was a 'good' mother but I didn't take the gamble and do it.
Others may feel differently with the same information. However they need the information.
I am glad that it worked out for you, Tangerinefairy. Given the same situation again I might have done it with a named donor where the child has full access to half their makeup.

Some of you should head on over to relationships and berate all those stupid women who conceive with feckless men or men who leave or men who turn out to be drunken or on drugs or otherwise pretty useless dads.

Because there are an awful lot more children conceived in shoddy situations with men who are no more capable of being good fathers than my cat than there are children conceived using donors. And it has ever been thus.

I agree timetoask - I do believe that women have the right to use sperm donation if they wish to but rather than solely focus on what they need and want out of their life they should also consider the feelings of the child they are about to create and whether they are prepared to take the gamble that their child won't care that they will never have a dad. Reading some of those stories on that link upset me as it seems the whole experience is a positive for the mothers, they gain their much wanted child, but it is a negative for the child and they are the ones that have to deal with their confused feelings for the duration of their life.

I definitely think using a known donor is a better option - do you think that is an option for you OP?

If you are already of the mindset 'why do they need a man in their life' are you actually flexible enough to cope if it turns out that their DC yearns for one? (A 2yr old does not have PC thoughts).

True OddFodd but it is different . They know who they are, possibly their paternal grandmother, father's brother etc are a very positive part of their lives too.

Yes odd there's no denying that but the child still knows who their father is, they have a relationship with him and they know where they come from.

They have not purposely been denied of ever having a father for the wants of their mother.

If a child grows up to decide they don't want their father in their life (in instances like you gave) then fair enough but to intentionally deny a child ever having a father?? Well that's completely different.

To say that it doesn't matter that some children are not allowed to have a dad because some men are shits....well....that's just insane.

How many children are born into families that aren't actually the 'supposed Dad', in the past especially in the last war there were a lot. So the argument of having unknown siblings are rubbish.

I would say if you are ready, go ahead, you may regret it if you leave it too late.

I don't think we can possibly guess what it is like to be denied part of our identity unless we have been on the receiving end.

How anyone who has a loving relationship with their own dad yet can still say that dad's don't matter is beyond my understanding.

You're really projecting an awful lot writerwannabe. Children of lesbian parents (and single parents) do just as well in life and are just as happy as those in traditional mum/dad set ups.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/children-no-less-happy-in-singleparent-homes-study-finds-9278689.html
www.aacap.org/aacap/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Children_with_Lesbian_Gay_Bisexual_and_Transgender_Parents_92.aspx

It is the quality of relationships at home that are important to a child's happiness.

As someone upthread said, what's most important for a child's wellbeing is to feel loved and secure.

"What's most important for a child's well being is to feel loved and secure"

I'm not doubting that but although as adults we feel that's important, what might be important to some children is the fact they don't have a dad.
I doubt they would think that it doesn't matter they'll never have a dad because at least their mother loves them.

I actually feel sorry for men who are basically being written off as having no important role in a child's life.

I'm pretty sure most young children who have dad's would rather have them in their life than not. And I'm pretty sure that can be said for most teenagers and adults too.

In my eyes both parents are important to the child and to imply that one matters less than the other is just wrong.

Writerwannabe....which is better, to not have a dad, or to NOT EXIST AT ALL? Because that is the alternate prospect you are pushing. And you are telling lesbian women that they are not allowed to be selfish in the way that striaght women are and take for granted.

If we tried changing our own blinkered attitudes maybe children from nontraditional backgrounds would grow up with less issues, because we are creating and prepetuating the problems.

Its loving parents of any kind that a child needs, whether they have penises or not is really immaterial.

grockle - take a look at some of those stories on the link that was posted above. Ironically there is actually one women who said she can't bear it when people use the "wouldn't it be better not to have a dad rather than not exist at all?" It's just a very silly and lazy argument.

It's not like they have much choice in the matter once they've already been created is there?

Of course lots of DCs have issues with their heritage. Lots will struggle. But most will find ways to reach an accommodation with their knowledge. I am sanguine about it because I dont know anyone who doesn't struggle at times with their childhoods and their story. Looking at my peers those brought up in nuclear families are not more sorted than anyone else. Divorce damaged us but we found a way through.

My DCs will need to find their own route through their story. They may choose to meet their donor. They may not. I will help them but will be guided by what they want.

At what age are they allowed to track their donor? Or is it just when they feel ready? Could a 10 year old do it for example with their mother's consent? (Just interested)

And actually grockle is right. You can be sad about your heritage but it is what it is and most people would not say that they prefer not to exist. As I say, my children will be very entitled to feel sad about this if that's how they feel, but as adults we do all have to develop maturity and accept what we have been given and make a decent life for ourselves.

Its not a silly and lazy argument, its rather bloody fundamental, actually.
Its not like any of us have any choice in the matter now we are here, is it? And frankly, the self involved whining about how awful it is not to have a dad, well please shitloads of people don't have dads. Plenty don;t have mums. Plenty have really hard lives with actual difficulties that are much more important than having two mothers instead of a mother and a dad.

If the worst bloody thing to happen to you is that you were born to a single women who really wanted you, planned for you, loves you, and is willing to be judged by idiots bleating on about how all kids need dads, just to have you, then you have a charmed, blessed life.

I didn't grow up with a dad. My children are lucky enough to do so, with a wonderful father. He's an excellent parent. It has bugger all to do with his testicles though. Children don't need dads, specifically, or mums. They need loving caring parents that can provide for them. The likes of you telling them how awful it is that they don't have a dad is a bigger problem.

No you have to be 18. Can't do it before that and my consent is not required. It's their data not mine.

Grockle .

That's exactly how I feel but if I say it it sounds self serving. You said it beautifully.

Beautifully put grockle.

So you are calling me an idiot because I think it's a shame when a child grows up without a father? (for whatever reason that may be)

Nope, I'm calling people who go on about it being a shame when children don't have fathers idiots, because you're not helping anyone.
It's a shame when kids grow up poor. It's a shame when kids grow up sick, or blind, or with additional needs of any kind. It's a shame when dads leave and contact breaks down. It's a shame when parents divorce, or die, or argue a lot.Its a shame when all kinds of things are part of a childs life.

But having two loving parents being a shame, because neither of them have a penis? Or one caring parent on their own? Is that really something to look down on the family for?

It's YOUR issue, not theirs. Saying that a dad isn't essential doesn't take anything away from wonderful fathers. Nobody has the ideal set up. Two parents of alternate genders isn't the ideal set up, just because of that. Your arguments are naive and unnuanced at best, and homophobic and offensive at worst.

really offensive analogy please don't add more of the same later.