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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

460 replies

honeykitten · 27/05/2014 16:34

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman Wink

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2014 20:02

what was it about softly??? Grin

slightlyconfused85 · 30/05/2014 20:42

Don't let the opinions of mumsnetters affect your life decisions. It doesn't matter what they think, it is your life and you will no doubt make an excellent mum to a lucky child.

ExBrightonBell · 30/05/2014 21:00

honeykitten, please don't take the few negatives from this thread and give them more importance than they deserve. I read the thread early on and felt that others had already put my view forwards so didn't comment. But now I feel I need to show you some support.

Too many people are viewing this issue through heterosexual eyes, and assuming that what is "normal" for them is right/best/correct etc.

From my point of view, any child that is brought into this world that is wanted and loved is very lucky. No need to worry about how many parents and of what gender/sexuality. Plenty of heterosexual women have babies fully intending never to have any contact with the father. Many more split up and find themselves in that situation. Others are sadly bereaved. All sorts of parenting situations end up happening in the real world.

What you are considering is a completely normal thing, and I would wish you well and support you 100%. I don't believe anyone has the right to tell another person whether they should reproduce or not, or to imply they shouldn't due to their personal situation.

Shroomboom · 30/05/2014 21:10

I haven't read all the thread but do it! My SIL is in your position, and if I were her (or you!) I would definitely be considering this. Good luck!

DollyWosits · 30/05/2014 22:07

Honey. The discussion really didn't centre on the use of donated sperm. It just didn't! Sad Confused It was raised as a 'concern' by a couple of posters. There is nothing wrong with what you are planning as agreed by the vast majority of posters.

I can't be bothered adding up the pro posts and the no posts but, I'm guessing, I bets it's more than 90% of posts saying you should go for it.

Jollyphonics · 30/05/2014 22:19

OP whatever you do in life, whoever you are, some people will judge and disapprove. We are all different and all have differing views on what we consider to be OK, particularly when it comes to children.

You can't let the views of a small minority dictate how you live your life.

Can I make a suggestion? Find an infertility chat forum (some clinics have them) and you will come across many people in your situation. It will help normalise it for you, and stop you feeling dirty.

I live in a small village where no one is even divorced, never mind having donor sperm kids. Everyone is very nice to me, but I'm sure that some people disapprove behind my back. But I have trained myself not to care. I know I am a good mum. Yes my kids don't have a dad, and yes there may be serious fall-out from that in future, but they are loved, they were wanted, I made HUGE sacrifices to have them, they will never lie in bed feeling terrified hearing their parents yelling at eachother, I devote my life to them and making them happy. Whatever happens in the future, I have nothing to feel ashamed of, and anyone who says I do is narrow-minded, bigoted, ignorant and nasty, in my opinion!

oaksettle · 30/05/2014 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 07:09

I gave that link oaksettle and think everyone should read it. I don't think it possible to know how a child feels unless you have been the child- not having a father present, having a useless parent etc doesn't put you in that position. They have not intentionally been deprived, as if half their makeup doesn't matter.

Asking the mother how it is going doesn't help, of course they are thrilled to have their child. The small child with their books, stories and mother will be perfectly happy. The ones you need to ask are the 20, 30,40 - or even in the link 70 yr old- they are the ones that count.
Whether you have a donor baby as a single parent, heterosexual couple, lesbian couple is irrelevant.
You don't have to read my link- as oaksettle says- just Google- there are plenty of stories out there. Many of the people are perfectly happy,but it is a gamble and you ought at least to read the stories to help make an informed decision.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/05/2014 07:56

I have only just seen the link (I couldn't spot it hidden amongst your text) and I'm actually finding it quite sad to read people's stories. I've only read about 6 so far but I've had to take a break. I'm not surprised by what I've read, it's how I would fully expect donor children to feel and why I have my reservations, but it's even harder to digest when you see it written down and imagine the real life person on the other side of it.

Olaffles · 31/05/2014 08:07

I'm sure just as there will be some people who struggle with being donor conceived, there will be people who are quite happy with how they came to be. Just as some adults who have been adopted are more accepting about their lack of biological identity than others who struggle more. I'm not sure reading just stories from people who struggle with being donor conceived gives an accurate picture, or is helpful to the OP.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/05/2014 08:15

It's not one sided - there are positive stories on there too.

Catsize · 31/05/2014 09:05

I can understand the curiosity about one's heritage, and made the point about grandparents upthread. It has sometimes been said that my children should have a father figure in their life, but can I ask this... What does a father figure bring to a child's life that a woman can't? Is it not just a question of another set of personality traits? Granted, I can't fling my toddler around in the way that my brother can (and perhaps some women could), but why the emphasis on 'father figure'?

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 09:59

There are some positive stories on there which is why people should read it to get the whole picture. It easy for the parent to say 'what does the father figure bring to the life' - they haven't done what I have done and brought up a child so desperate for the father that he latched onto other people's fathers. Telling him it isn't necessary didn't work and would have been unfair.
Unless you have walked in their shoes you can't know what it is like and the fact they were quite happy at 4 yrs doesn't mean they will be at 40 years.
I am not saying 'don't do it'- just consider carefully from all sides first.

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 10:16

I think it can be very successful but the people who worry me are those who don't see the need for a man in the life of the child, think they and their family and friends can supply everything required, don't have the imagination to see that a person may have an identity crisis, think that the fact that their preteen child is quite happy and loves the stories of their origin. If you read all the stories on the link then you can be at least be prepared for the fact that it may not be that simple and in a position to help.

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 10:20

This is the link for those who missed it in all the text.
There are positive stories too.

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 10:22

The one sure thing seems to be that they need to know from the very earliest moment.

Camsie30 · 31/05/2014 10:30

honeykitten don't let other people's negative attitude get to you, I certainly have no intention of doing so. Its your body, your life, and your child. If you feel that this is right for you then go for it. You will find support out there in the world I'm sure of it. As I said earlier, I made this decision last year, and after 2 rounds of IUI am pregnant and happier than I've ever been. Life is too short to deny yourself of something as fundamental as motherhood xx

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 10:42

Part of growing up is knowing that your mother doesn't always know best! You are two different people, I love my mum to bits- but what is right for her isn't always right for me. With love, and a good start in life, you can probably conquer all but you need to be aware of the pitfalls if you are to avoid them.

OddFodd · 31/05/2014 10:51

OP - I think you would really benefit from contacting the Donor Conception Network who will help you to work through some of these issues. You'll probably find it a lot more helpful talking to people who've been where you are rather than AIBU. They run workshops for single and lesbian women who are considering using donor sperm.

And delphinium - you might want to do a bit more research before you post links. The Anonymous Us project which you've linked to a couple of times is funded by evangelical homophobic organisations. A quick google gives me this link but there are many, many more. I don't think they're a particularly unbiased source of information.

Families come in many shapes and sizes and there are no guarantees.

Good luck :)

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 10:54

Well google another link- they are easy enough to find!
All I am saying is find out from the child's point of view- then you can be aware of potential problems. You can't avoid the pitfalls if you don't know what they are or won't admit they exist.

Delphiniumsblue · 31/05/2014 11:02

An interesting one in the Guardian

Writerwannabe83 · 31/05/2014 11:04

catsize - so are you saying your own dad didn't have any kind of significant place in your childhood and you'd be quite happy not to have him in your life?

To say children don't need a father as there is no real 'point' to them is the saddest thing I have read on here.

OddFodd · 31/05/2014 11:06

Yes of course the OP should research thoroughly, which is why I urge her to get in touch with the DC Network who encourage mindful donor conception, not brushing potential issues under the carpet.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/05/2014 11:06

Why bother with men at all eh?
It's not like they bring anything to a child's life....
They are just 'personality traits' that the children can do without eh?

Tangerinefairy · 31/05/2014 11:08

I agree delphiniumsblue and I speak as a lesbian parent myself. I don't think people here are being anti lesbian at all. Some children conceived from anonymous sperm donation have alot of issues with it others don't. The vast majority of people on the thread have been supportive of you op, I totally understand why you feel upset about this and it feels like a judgement. I used to feel.like that too. Take people's comments and experience on board, mull it over for a while and decide what YOU feel ok about. These are all important issues that I thought about for several.years before having Dd.

My thinking time lead me to using a known donor, you.may feel.differently.