to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

I do think that is a brilliant post pandarific and I agree with what you've written. I totally object to the assertion that it is selfish to have a child in this way but that all the other ways of having children (many of them NOT thought through or ideal at all) are not selfish.

However, I do think it is misguided not to talk through the possibility that your child may have issues about their conception/lack of parent and to decide how you may handle that or indeed if you can handle that. My own experience of using a known donor is that it has been a largely very easy, positive experience for myself and my Dd. At the time I had her some people thought what I was doing was wrong and very weird but I felt very strongly that it was not and now that Dd is here (she's 11 now) they never mention her conception at all.

I had the opportunity to try to have a sibling for Dd but this time with an anonymous donor. After much consideration I decided that I was not comfortable with doing this. I'm not saying there is anything wrong in anyone else doing this I'm just saying I decided it wasn't for me. DW didn't really "get" why I couldn't do this because she came from a very toxic family and says she would have welcomed not knowing her own father! So....different veiwpoints based on our own experiences!

The family I know who have children from an anonymous donor have always found it rather irritating that their children are interested in finding out more about the donor. They believe, and I'm not saying this isn't true, that they ought to be enough for their kids, they have 2 great parents, why do they need to know about their father. That is not how the children feel. Well they do in one way but they are conflicted because they both feel tormented by the idea that their "father" is out there somewhere. I really think if they actually engaged with the children a bit more and let them express their feelings about the donor it might be a bit easier for everyone but they are sort of afraid to and don't understand the children's desire for information. Also they say they feel guilty because they can't provide that info. That said there is the donor sibling registry now where children can find siblings and possibly their donor in an indirect way so maybe these children will do that in the future.

OP, I really would say if you feel ready to be a mum then go for it. It sounds as if you would be brilliant at it. I'm just saying it is no bad thing to think these issues through and decide how you are going to cope with them. They may not be a problem at all for you and your future child certainly these issues have been very much in the background for my family, we are incredibly happy and I'm sure you would be too.

Actually ToffeeMoon from my own personal experience, UK stocks of donor sperm have recovered as donors got used to the idea of losing their anonymity when the child is 18. Also when the child is born you can apply to the HFEA for more information about the donor, and half siblings etc so the child can be aware of this from the start. In addition to this clinics encourage donors to write a "pen picture" about themselves so the parents can talk to the child about the donor.

From my experience of being friends with numerous families that have used donor sperm, both gay and straight, it is seen as a good thing that children can learn more about their donors. I know very few people actively seek true unknown donors from Denmark, they are certainly in the minority. In fact, some families pay to have sperm shipped here from Denmark whose donors are "open" meaning they agree to be traced when the child is 18, as you get loads more info about the donor. Things like a childhood photo, a voice clip, detailed info that you don't get in the UK. This is viewed as really positive amongst my friends and acquaintances.

We are also mindful that there will be no "big reveal" about how our children came about, they will grow up knowing and it will always be talked about. We keep in touch and have fostered strong links between our families as we want our children to have friends who are also donor conceived so they can talk to them and other adults about it.

To use donor sperm clinics in the UK stipulate you have counselling first and are very keen to talk through all these issues. I think unless you are in the position of using donor sperm it's hard to understand the complexities.

I'll say yet again the OP sounds like she is really sensible and I wish her luck.

Totally agree olaffles, it is complex. I think the more open people are with their children the better. One thing is for certain donor concieved children are nowhere near as unusual as they used to be and I think knowing that there are other children with a similar background to your own can be very comforting and interesting. On the other hand some children may not perceive themselves as unusual or different in any way and may choose not to find out anything at all about their donor or conception!

To be honest, I don't think my child will be unusual - their circumstances may not be average but then, and I know we all keep saying this, normal is pretty meaningless.

Children live with - mum and dad, sometimes mum and sometimes dad, mum and stepdad, dad and step mum, grandparents, adoptive parents, two mums, two dads (unusual but not unheard of) just mum, just dad, older sibling, foster care.

Are any of the above setups REALLY so 'unusual' Looks like a fairly average primary school class to me!

I didn't mean it like that at all honeykitten. My own dd was born via a donor as I've said. Only trying to help in sharing my own experience. We live in a very right on kind of area with many of the different set ups you describe but yes, my Dd has been asked many, many times about her family. That surprised me too. These are the 2 things she has been asked most regularly "Where is your dad?" This amazed me since MANY children live apart from their dads and "Which one of your mums is your real mum?" meaning biological mum. Bearing in mind I am blonde and blue eyed and DW is half African it's not easy to see which is which but anyway children do seem to be fascinted by her. I don't think that's necessarily a negative thing at all, we all have something different about ourselves, she doesn't feel different any more than I as a gay person feel different, I just feel like me.

Anyway, sorry, was only trying to help.

None of the above is a reason not to do it btw and I KNOW dd would agree with me about that. She is hugely proud of her family but is not so keen on people asking her these questions as she thinks of them as "private".

No, no - I'm not offended! Just musing.

That's interesting as plenty of my school friends as a child came from single parent families and I never asked about their dad (or mum!)

pandarific - the point I was just trying to make is that I think every child has the right to have a mother and father. Both are role models in their separate ways - and to purposefully deny a child having that for your own reasons, well I just find it doesn't sit easy with me.

I love my dad - I cant imagine not having had one and what I would have missed out on. Even now (aged 30) my dad is by far one of my favourite people, despite his faults - and I can't imagine him not being in my life.

As I said I know there are many, many reasons why a child does not have their father on the scene and usually one that was out of anyone else control - but to use sperm donation is to purposely make your child be without a father because of you wanted a baby.

And it's easy to tell young children that "the nice man who helped me make you isn't here because he is helping other people" may be sufficient for young children, but I can't imagine it being that easy to explain away as the children get older and understand they haven't got something fundamental and important that a lot of their friends do. I may be wrong, but I'm sure research has been done on the way in which the lack of a strong father-figure role model can effect a child and it isn't a positive outcome - especially when it comes to boys.

Like I said, I think if she wants to the woman completely has the right to use sperm donation and I m sure the women who do all make fantastic parents but I think the potential effects of this choice on the actual child shouldn't be trivialised.

I really don't mean to trivialise any potential effect on the child, I just don't agree that children have a 'right' to a mother and father. Bit heteronormative.

I can understand the impulse to want to make your child's upbringing perfect, because why wouldn't you? But I'm just saying that no matter what you do, that is unlikely to happen anyway, even if you do define perfect as mum + dad.

I see what you mean about it sounding heteronormative (is that a real word? If not it should be!) so sorry if I caused any offence to same-sex couples, I didn't mean to.

And I suppose it is different now seeing as father's can be tracked down if the child so wishes. Is this the case for every donor or is itsomething they can opt in/out of?

All UK donors have to agree to being traceable, and sperm imported from other countries also has to be "open" meaning donors agree to be traceable too. So if you're treated in this country at a clinic then yes all donor sperm is.

Go for it!!!

I raised my now 18 dd who is amazing - and all my own hard work! I marvel at how fabulous I must be

It ain't easy - in fact it's fuckng hard work but the joy you will get out of your dc is beyond measure!

I've just done IVF with dd2 (18 year gap!!) but very settled and happy with dp, so new experience altogether .

My friend who is gay, had her son the same time as I had dd2 through donor and is beyond happy with her son.

Exciting times ahead!

And can a man donate more than once? Is there something in place to prevent there being lots of children conceived who all have the same biological father?

(I'm not trying to make any kind of point, I'm just genuinely interested in the whole process)

As for the comment about needing dads...

My dad was a flake, now my grandad was ace, my absolute hero. As were both my grandparents. Who practically raised me.

Kids need people who adore and nurture them. Everything else comes after that.

Yes writer, there are limits, but they do not include additional children born into the same family as they are unlikely to reproduce etc!

So I imagine most women who plan to have more than one donor child use the same donor each time? Unless there's no one of his sperm left obviously? Do they use his whole sample when fertilising an egg or does the clinic keep some back for other women to use if they choose him?

(Last questions I promise)

OP, you don't sound daft at all, far from it.

I'm getting a sense of someone who has thought about this very hard and from the sounds of it, you're as ready as you ever will be. Go for it!

Not quite the same but my single friend found herself in a similar position, no partner, wanted to have a child and went down the adoption route. They are very happy.

All the DC families I know used ID release donors. You can't use a UK clinic if you don't do this.

I imported sperm from the US for complicated but boring medical reasons and I had to get HFEA sign off that this was an ID release donor. I have quite a bit of donor info including a baby picture, personal statement, med history going back to grandparents, physical and biographical info. Dd has a copy and likes to look at it now and again but it's a bit of an unreality for her at the moment. We talk about it quite a lot but almost always because I raise it. She takes it for granted.

And writerwannabe you usually buy spare vials anyway on the basis that it might take several goes - so if you want a sibling it's easy to do with the same donor.

writer, in Denmark, you can pay for up to five years' storage, after paying for the man seed first. We did this for DC2 after conceiving DC1. We were advised to reserve eight, but it is very expensive so took our chances with six and were lucky first time for DC2.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey

I raised my now 18 dd who is amazing - and all my own hard work! I marvel at how fabulous I must be

What a wonderful statement - If that doesn't give the OP the confidence to go ahead with having a DC I don't know what would.

I'm in Vietnam and my Vietnamese teacher was telling me I could pay a poor student to....take me to a province where nobody knew us so he could "donate" sperm....

The same teacher tried to find a husband for me....

I'm not ready for all that yet...

Yes it surprised me too, especially as we live in a really diverse area, there was another child in Dd's class with lesbian mums for example. Anyway none of that is a reason not to go ahead, of course not, it's been a good opportunity for Dd and her peers to talk about diversity and different families etc etc. We've talked it through together and Dd is very sanguine about it and knows that some people are curious and some people are a bit afraid of difference etc....it's positive in so many ways.

You are an insightful, reflective person, I can tell that already from your posts. You will have the resources to cope with any of these questions if and when they come along. I honestly thought they would be HUGE and ever present in our lives. They are not, the blips are tiny compared to the fabulousness of the general experience of having Dd which has been brilliant, not a single moment of regret.

Mmm, you are asking for opinions... I haven't read the entire thread, but I was a single mother and my daughter had a useless dad, but I found that when she turned twelve she started to think a lot about her dad as a figure, whom she had actively disliked until then. I honestly felt, seeing this, that I was glad that I hadn't entirely written him out of the equation.

That would be my problem with using a sperm donor. Moreover, the extended family is not just about the support you get, but it is the support your child gets.

So are you against lesbians having children?

Do you think people in my position, who sadly lost parents young, should not have children?

I know I asked for opinions but I am taken aback with some of the opinions - I can't imagine they'd have been voiced if I was in a relationship and I asked 'AIBU to try for a baby with my female partner?'

Why does it have to be so black and white though?

Why does so,end have to be either 100% pro sperm donation and if not then clearly they are 100% against it?

Can't people be generally ok with the concept but still have some misgivings?

As with most things in life people can see positives and negatives. Not everything is completely right or completely wrong.