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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, iTunes and "erotica"

132 replies

iFurious · 27/05/2014 15:28

Name changing regular because I'm embarrassed, although I'm not the one who should be feeling the shame.

DH left on a business trip at the weekend. This morning I woke up to a lovely email receipt, large as life on the (always open) general email address to which our family iTunes account is registered, on the family computer in the kitchen for a newly purchased audiobook entitled, "Do it! I want it in my ass!: A first anal sex erotica story."

WTF, I think, our iTunes account must have been hacked. Quick check of the iMac, my iPad and the kids' iPads (we all share the same account) reveals that this marvellous piece of literature has downloaded onto all our devices. Quick text to DH and I get this lovely reply, "Sorry, that was me. It was crap anyway!" Absolutely no recognition of the fact that I'm not remotely concerned that his wank fodder wasn't up to scratch but that the fuckwit thought it was ok to download this stuff onto the family account with no thought as to whether it would reach the kids' devices or what would happen if it did.

Our youngest is 8. WTF would he have thought if he'd listened to it? Our older kids have to take a device to school. The terms of the school's internet and electronic media policy would have meant suspension at the very least if the material had been seen by a teacher.
To top it all off, at dinner time, a little notification comes through that "Dirty Secrets and Filthy Fantasies" is now available for me to download in iBooks. Cue another frantic scrabble to make sure the kids don't end up with it on their devices.
AIBU? DH doesn't seem to get why I am so fucked off. It's not so much the material or spending money on something that was by his own admission pretty shite, it's the utter thoughtlessness of using our family account and leaving me to sort it all out.
He thinks I'm overreacting. I'd quite like to suggest that he reads a chapter of "I want it in my ass!" to the kids and see what they would have made of it had they opened the file inadvertently. He's not due home for a couple of days and clearly thinks this will be ok with a couple of "sorry" texts. What should I do?

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/05/2014 18:58

I'd be going batshit crazy over this. How fucking dare he risk your children seeing this? How self-absorbed can you be?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 27/05/2014 19:05

'He clearly made a mistake, he clearly did not mean to download this on to his kids account,'

It isn't the kids account and there was no mistake. It's the only account, to which the kids have access.

Allowing pornography to be accessible by children is a huge huge parenting fail and yes, a matter for child protection.

What is really awful about this though is that the H isn't mortified, absolutely ashamed and in a cold sweat about what could have come out of this if this had popped up in school. He's not that bothered.

And neither, it seems, are most of the cooler than cool posters on here. A new low, I have to say.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:05

I expect his right to have an orgasm to "dirty sluts" (or summat) temporarily over rode his concern for his children. Nice bloke.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:07

OP, you have no shame here, you are quite correct.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:08

And not once did he have this temporary porn-fuelled moment of insanity, but twice

coppertop · 27/05/2014 19:10

I'm struggling to find anything funny about this. It's bad enough that he did this in the first place. The complete lack of remorse just makes it even worse.

If he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong, what's going to stop him from doing it again?

halfwildlingwoman · 27/05/2014 19:11

He has put your children and your family at risk - as outlined by AF. Giving children access to porn is a criminal offence I believe. I would go fucking ballistic. Changing the password to deny him access and banishing him to the sofa would be the least of it.

coppertop · 27/05/2014 19:11

I missed that he'd done this twice!

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:11

If he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong, what's going to stop him from doing it again?

I guess Op will have to police his "activity"

That's what a nice wifey does for her man, yes ? Clean up his shit after him 'n' that.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 27/05/2014 19:12

I expect he thinks if he brushed it off you will forget.

Buy lube. Quietly Add chillies. Get dildo and suggest he goes first as the book really got u going?

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2014 19:22

I think some of you porn-haters are missing the point that this is an audiobook rather than a film. And while it might not be as classy as Anais Nin or Pauline Reage, it's still technically (by most definitions) erotica rather than porn.

You know - fiction. Not the stuff that can be objected to on the grounds that someone might have been coerced into performing for the camera. Someone made the story up and someone (maybe the author, maybe someone else) was paid a fee to read it out loud into a recording device. Reading a story or listening to someone else read a story is not a big deal.

The OP's H made a silly mistake in downloading it onto the family account. However, it's quite unlikely that the DC would have bothered to open the file even if they had spotted it before the OP deleted it. The most sensible solution is for him to set up a separate account for himself that is not accessible to anyone else within the family.

And if the H (and indee the OP) would like some recommendations for rather better erotic fiction, just ask...

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2014 19:25

I would also definitely advise the OP to get herself a separate downloadable account so she can read stuff that's not child friendly. My DS is 9 and I wouldn't be keen on him reading quite a lot of stuff that is not erotic but not suitable for a kid, either, whether that's Reginald Hill, Sara Paretsky or Val McDermid...

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2014 19:25

" What should I do?"

  1. Change the password to the iTunes account, preventing him from doing this for a third time.
  2. Email him along the lines of AnyFucker's post outlining just how big a deal it is.
  3. Rip him a new one on his return.

I'd be livid.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:26

Not a risk I would be willing, or expect my husband, to take. Some would, of course.

Eminorsustained · 27/05/2014 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ziggiestardust · 27/05/2014 19:26

AF that's a little hysterical don't you think? God forbid a child ever stumbles across their mother's copy of 50 Shades Of Grey, or something equally tedious.

I'm not saying the DH wasn't wrong btw; but it was a stupid mistake.

And by the way, pretty much all men consume porn in some form. And I'm sure loads of you will go 'my husband would never!' Or 'my DH isn't capable...' He is. He does. I work in a male dominated environment; they're all married with kids and very respectable. They still do it. OP's DH just got caught. With pretty tame stuff, I might add.

Talk to your DH OP, maybe set him up a private account, but don't start WW2 over it. Maybe a little word about discretion in future, and a warning that the kids might have seen it. If it happens again, then different story of course!

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:27

The OP's H made a silly mistake in downloading it onto the family account. However, it's quite unlikely that the DC would have bothered to open the file even if they had spotted it before the OP deleted it.

Sorry, I thought I had included the above quote in my last ppst.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:28

Ah. I did wonder how long it would take until a "all men do it so stop snivelling about it and get with the programme, do you hate sex or summat ) poster rocked up.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2014 19:29

"porn-haters", SGB? Really? That was not the OP's concern - to recap - "Absolutely no recognition of the fact that I'm not remotely concerned that his wank fodder wasn't up to scratch but that the fuckwit thought it was ok to download this stuff onto the family account with no thought as to whether it would reach the kids' devices or what would happen if it did."

The concern was all about it being accessed by children. Maybe that doesn't concern you, but it concerns many of the rest of us.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2014 19:29

Some people appear to have entirely missed the part about the children's devices being used at school.

ziggiestardust · 27/05/2014 19:30

No AF. They do. But I'm quite sure yours doesn't, dearie Wink I can't see quite why you're so bothered, but there we are.

ziggiestardust · 27/05/2014 19:31

And... It was an accident. I'm pretty sure the teacher would have realised the mistake!

ziggiestardust · 27/05/2014 19:33

Also... It didnt get seen by the kids. It could have, but it didn't. So it's a non starter really. Have a word with him, and it's a non issue unless it happens again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2014 19:34

"I'm pretty sure the teacher would have realised the mistake!"
And I'm pretty sure the teacher would have considered it as pretty serious that a child had porn downloaded onto the device they brought into school and would have summoned both parents and logged it as a child protection issue.

Hassled · 27/05/2014 19:35

I don't think the teacher would have "realised the mistake" at all. I think the teacher would be hotfooting it to the designated Safeguarding Officer.

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