To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

[FreckledLeopard]

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

melted no need to be so fucking rude.
Can you not understand that this is not about you and what happened to you. Fine one to talk about a chip

The op doesn't have real concerns. She is making stuff up and moaning about her DD's good deed being wasted.

Your post is a personal attack btw and against MN rules. But I won't report it.

Let people see it and how you react when someone doesn't agree with you hey?

These are the only reportable facts. Everything else is invention, hyperbole and hearsay

No she rings up with SUSPICIONS, WORRIES, DOUBTS, something along the lines of:

“I could be wrong, but I have concerns about this little girl’s home life and I worry she could be adversely affected by possible MH health issues her mother has, could you please look in to it if you deem that necessary”.

You don’t need facts to ask for something to be investigated, you need worries, doubts and suspicions that something might be amiss.

The reportable fact is that Sophie couldn't join in with her peers because her mother cannot be alone at night.

It's the bib which matters.

I also hope she follows her own gut feeling and reports to ss.

Op had no notion of phoning SS!

Deverethemuzzler, the risk of offending you, versus the risk of child abuse going unreported because people like you want to stifle the reporter because she doesn't have video evidence and signed affidavits.... let me think on that for 2 nano seconds.

You're feelings don't even come into it.

Good Night.

Lots of conclusions being jumped to here.

Maybe there aren't any MH issues. Maybe the mother is just selfish. Some parents are.

Op I understand where you're coming from. The poor girl is obviously gutted and you just want her to have a good time.

This thread is basically a stealth boast with a bit of bitching thrown in.

It has lead to an unknown woman being diagnosed.
Two children being labelled as Young Carers
Accusations of emotional abuse
Calls for reporting to SS
Assumptions that the children will not be permitted to leave home or go to university
Talk of 'round the clock care'

Why?

Because a child is staying at home to keep her mother company because she doesn't want to be on her own.

Fucking bonkers.

hides thread

You know what ......

Actually. No.

Fucking bonkers

^^this

Im agreeing with mrsd not melted's PA on mrsd.

talking of personal attacks on poor Muzzler,

Muzzler calling the OP a liar, stating that the OPs concerns are not real, and her accusations that the OP is just making things up is, what, if not a very personal attack?

If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

at all this unpleasantness.

The OP is getting an unjustifiably hard time here - it seems to me that a few chips from people's shoulders are involved in the bashing -, and people are failing to take into account that posters like Melted are speaking from bitter experience. This seems to be that MN pack mentality in action. (And before anyone says anything, I am a returning (very) old-timer with a new NN, and it was not like this back when it were all fields).

I agree with the OP that it is concerning that the girl, by her own and her mother's account, is not being let out because her mother needs her around at night. I think there is too much looking at this from the perspective of the mother going on in this thread and not enough from the perspective of the child. And the speculations are running wild on both sides.

I think there is too much looking at this from the perspective of the mother going on in this thread and not enough from the perspective of the child

I absolutely agree with that. And I am very very scared that POSSIBLE abuse will go unreported because of the hounding the OP has received on this thread.

And the speculations are running wild on both sides

I don't have any "oh, I bet this is what's happening". I have no real idea what's happening. I do have an idea though that this girl could be suffering, and based on that possibility, that for me is reason enough to ask ss to look into it. If there is no abuse going on, then no harm is done.

people are failing to take into account that posters like Melted are speaking from bitter experience

As I said earlier, I have gone back to where I grew up and talked with a few of the adults that had suspicions about our home and home life, and what exactly they had seen or heard or worried about at the time.

With hindsight, no one thing any of them saw/heard, on its own, if reported at the time, would have raised major alarm bells with s.s. I am pretty sure of that.

But if 2 or 3 or 4 of them had made a call with what they all witnessed/worried about individually, then cumulatively that information would definitely been have acted on as a matter of urgency by s.s and 4 children's lives would have improved dramatically and some serious abuse and neglect would have been prevented.

Please people, and PLEASE OP, look at this from the perspective of the girl. If there is no issue and the girl's home life is hunky dory, then a few hours of ss time has been wasted and the OP might feel a tad silly. On the other hand, a girl's childhood and future is at stake here. If there has to be a "mistake" made, PLEASE PLEASE let be on the side of over cautious, asking for something to be investigated that turned out to be nothing untoward.

What I haven't written above and don't want to go into too many details about on here is..... I escaped my home at 18 and turned my life around. I'm a happy, healthy, fairly successful adult. I wish I could say the same for my siblings. They are wrecks. Everyone of them are functioning alcoholics, neglectful selfish parents, have various mental health issues, various broken marriages each, have trouble remaining faithful in any relationship they get into, have trouble keeping jobs, have lost contact with (most of) their own children, have debts and addictions galore, I could go on. But you get the picture.

Our household didn't look that bad from the outside, just your average run of the mill half-fucked-in-the-head-dysfunctional parents, but I so wish one or two of the "adults with doubts" had made that phone call. Maybe I would have happy, healthy siblings today.

Princess if I was going to be so strident on a thread about SS and what they do I think I would want to be better informed than you are.

They either think there is an issue or they don't. They don't think 'no problems here, nothing to worry about but we will keep a file about this family anyway'

I always find it entertaining when someone tries to tell me I don't what I'm talking about followed by an uninformed statement.

Children enjoy being caretakers.
Disabled parents are typically dependent on their children.
SS throws away reports that have been filed.

Wow.

Reports filed and unfounded get marked as such. But there is still a paper trail. So if another case gets opened on that family for investigation they have a history to look at.

The only time there isn't a file is if SS decided it's not worth looking into.

Only read the OP. I suffer from anxiety and am acutely aware of how it affects my family. I DO NOT FUCKING CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS. I feel v sorry for sophie. I hope her mum gets the support she needs and sophie gets help as a carer.

instead of bitching on here why didn't you ask the mother to come along?? Or is she too "weird" for you?

Only read the OP. I suffer from anxiety and am acutely aware of how it affects my family. I DO NOT FUCKING CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS. I feel v sorry for sophie. I hope her mum gets the support she needs and sophie gets help as a carer.

instead of bitching on here why didn't you ask the mother to come along?? Or is she too "weird" for you?

Only read the OP. I suffer from anxiety and am acutely aware of how it affects my family. I DO NOT FUCKING CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS. I feel v sorry for sophie. I hope her mum gets the support she needs and sophie gets help as a carer.

instead of bitching on here why didn't you ask the mother to come along?? Or is she too "weird" for you?

The sleepover is not in the OP's house. And the OP does not like the woman so does not want to become friends with her. The OP is under no obligation at all to try and be friends or help this woman.

Just logged back on. Firstly I don't believe I ever mentioned round the clock care. Second, the 'abducted by aliens etc' was in reference to the earlier hysteria mentioned by some other posters leaping to conclusions about what the mother may have supposedly gone through. I have no idea what, if anything, she has gone through. For all I know she may just be a bit of a drip.

Also, I have not made anything up. I'm generally brutally honest (which is why I often end up being flamed). I'm not particularly sensitive and say what I think (albeit on this board and not to the mother in question).

I still maintain that as a parent you need to put your own issues aside and focus on your children. Whether they be MH issues or otherwise. You have a responsibility to your children. I feel sorry for this girl and the burden she has come under. I am not a saint and am not about to swoop in and befriend the mother just because she suffers from anxiety or something similar. It's not my place and it's not something I'm inclined to do. If I can help her daughter, though, then I will try. She's a sweet girl and it's not fair on her.

Separately, the party will be rescheduled at some stage I'm sure.

Those who say no harm is done by an unnecessary SS referal have pronably never been one of the receiving end of one and I say this as a social worker myself!

There is zilch evidence of possible abuse. If there was, I'd be all for ringing up the frontline team for advic.

Oh yes, we must all set our MH issues aside, just like our physical illnesses, we must not let them interfere with child rearing. We are very selfish indeed to even have these Mental and physical illnesses whilst we are raising children. Surely the illnesses could wait til a more suitable time?

Someone else said about the mother needing round the clock care.