To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

[FreckledLeopard]

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

Mme that's because brother was there with mum. There might come a time when brother moves out, then what. Sophie has to stay with her mum every night!

If there have been previous issues ss will already know about the family, maybe a few other people have had concerns and gave reported their concerns which possibly as individual reports are not enough to warrant an investigation but grouped together cause a worry

Ikea, that is exactly how things would have played out in my youth. The different small things noted by different people (school, neighbours, family, mums of school friends) if they had been reported, no single one of them on their own would have been enough for social services to think I was being abused, but all of those small things together would have been a slam dunk.

During my teen years my mum had very bad depression, she couldn't leave the house.

Between me and my older siblings, we took care of our younger sibling and housework, as well as going to school so my dad could work and keep the roof over our heads.
My mums friend picked up what we couldn't do.

I do not feel an ounce of resentment, in fact when we do talk about it we a feel a sense of pride in what we all did.

We didn't need SS, we had it sorted.

But she not with her mother all of the time. She has attended sleepovers before, just not this time.

Right because her brother was there with the mom when she left. If her mom truly needs around the clock care (ie: her brother, who frankly shouldn't have that responsibility as a young adult but he is an adult who can freely leave), then Sophie should not be her backup plan.

I'm very sorry for anyone on this thread who had difficulties in their own childhood, but I'm deeply uncomfortable conflating caring with abuse. Especially as we don't even know that Sophie is anything like a FT carer either. She seems to get out and about often enough. I would have no problem with the OP keeping a weather eye out for the girl, but reporting to SS is an incredible over-reaction IMO.

OP its a really nice for your DD and her friends to try and have a party for Sophie.

As for the reason she can't attend, well we can only speculate on the cause, there are no facts as to whether the mother has MH problem or not.

This could be first time the brother has been out for a long time so that might be why he can't change his plans.

As for all those people suggesting SS involvement. I can completely understand why but again this is all based on speculation. Even is Sophie is a young carer, what do you think SS will do?
There is not enough money to pay for a carer for everyone who needs one and unfortunately children are expected to take on caring duties if they are able. I used to work as a school nurse and knew quiet a few children who were carers. They were supported by Barnardo's but there just wasn't the money or resources to provide adult carers for parents unless they have significant needs. Needing a child to stay home at night would qualify the family for a carer.

Hopefully the party can be rearranged for another time.

sorry that should read would not qualify for a carer!

Of course I have no idea if the mother has been raped, tortured, abducted by aliens or any such things

You're just all heart OP.

Exactly Icanseethesun, have seen family caring situations that are similar. The reactions of some are way over the top and veering into soap plot lines,

I do not feel an ounce of resentment, in fact when we do talk about it we a feel a sense of pride in what we all did.

ICanSeeTheSun, bravo for you. I also had 2 parents with mental health issues, and alcohol addiction issues. And I am filled with resentment for how shitty my youth was. But I do have an ENORMOUS sense of pride that I survived those 18 years intact.

round the clock care
Now you are just being goady.

There is not an ounce of evidence that the mother needs round the clock care or anything like it.

She doesn't like being on her own at night. She might just be a bit wet.

But no, she suffers from anxiety so extreme that she requires round the clock care and is going to stop her children going to university.

Of course it is not for the reporter to investigate for possible abuse but they must have a reasonable reason to call SS in the first place. It is not something to be done on a whim in place of common sense.

As for all those people suggesting SS involvement. I can completely understand why but again this is all based on speculation. Even is Sophie is a young carer, what do you think SS will do?

SS would likely not do anything but look into it. It would just be on file so that if other warning signs cropped up over the years, and more reports were made, they would have it on file to see the bigger picture.

SS is not some scary monster out to snatch children away from loving homes. They can't even take away children from abusive situations unless they feel the child is in immediate danger. Sophie would not be taken away. But if they found a problem, they would provide the resources needed or if her mother isn't getting help require mandatory therapy.

There are plenty of kids where problems are found, and the parents are made to take anger management and have SS check in on them randomly from time to time. Its rare to have a child removed from the care of a home, as taking them away is used as a last resort. If it is used, it's usually temporary and the child is placed with other family members.

More kids fall through the cracks with this system than get taken away. Only the worst cases get stuck in foster care.

"I'm too afraid to stay home alone without my daughter" is a not a normal reason to stop your child from doing something.

Agreed.

Now you are just being goady.

Psst... the key word was IF she needed around the clock care. Not that she did.

There's a difference between being afraid of being home alone at night, and being anxious to the point of needing someone there with you. The definition of a disorder is that it interferes with your daily life. If the woman is not making an excuse to just get her daughter out of it, it is in fact interfering with her life if she can't function without someone home with her.

It's the difference between being squeamish and screaming over a spider, and being too crippled by fear to enter a room where a spider is.

It's not that she's afraid of being alone, it's the extent of her fear and how far she'll go to sooth those anxieties.

Princess if I was going to be so strident on a thread about SS and what they do I think I would want to be better informed than you are.

SS would likely not do anything but look into it. It would just be on file so that if other warning signs cropped up over the years, and more reports were made, they would have it on file to see the bigger picture

They either think there is an issue or they don't. They don't think 'no problems here, nothing to worry about but we will keep a file about this family anyway'

Wow. So now we've gone from the mum not wanting to be alone on one night to needing round the clock care.

SS may refer Sophie to a young carer's project where she could get some professional support.

I hope the OP can see what can come out of gossiping about a family and making assumptions based on a text and her own ideas about what 'fussy' is.

Again.
There is no evidence that Sophie IS a young carer.

SS can only refer to a young carer's project if one exists.

Of course it is not for the reporter to investigate for possible abuse but they must have a reasonable reason to call SS in the first place. It is not something to be done on a whim in place of common sense.

She wouldn’t be reporting on a whim. She is sensible. She has common sense. She has genuine concerns about a child. Can you understand that? The differences between

A. “oh I am bored this evening, I could paint my nails, or I could watch Eastenders, or I could….oh I know, let’s report some parent to ss, that should be a wizard wheeze”

and

B. “I could be wrong, but I have concerns about this little girl’s home life and I worry she could be adversely affected by possible MH health issues her mother has, should I ring ss tomorrow and ask them to look into it”

You can see the difference between B and whimsical? Right ? You do know what whimsical means?

I have only read pages 1 and 8.

Surely the easiest thing to do is ask the brother when he will be home and move the party till then.

On a separate note, perhaps try and help the mother, have a gentle chat.

"Hello, SS, yes I need to report that Sophie isn't allowed to come on a sleepover with my darling daughter and also that she didn't have a proper 13th birthday party."

These are the only reportable facts. Everything else is invention, hyperbole and hearsay.

So you've identified that this mother has 'issues', declared that it will 'fuck up her child's life' but instead of even attempting to help (by becoming friendly with the mother etc etc) you've decided to restrain yourself from writing a bitchy message?

If you genuinely cared about 'Sophie's' well being you would put in some effort. But you don't. Her mother is someone who you obviously dislike by your description of her, and your initial judgement at her lack of party in the first place is truly baffling. Some people don't have parties, or don't have parties every year. They don't need a specific reason

Sophie's mum may be a little out of the norm, so what? In my world that's a good thing.

OP didnt post here out of concern! She posted to bitch about a woman she finds odd who snubbed her DD's invite and OP has taken the hump with her. To justify her post she has dressed it as concern.