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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother needs to sort her issues out?

442 replies

FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 13:50

There is a girl in DD's class (they're all in Year 8, so aged 12/13). The girl is in DD's group of friends. She is a sweet girl.

This girl (I will call her Sophie for sake of anonymity) recently turned 13. Aside from taking some cakes into school, she had no party or any kind of celebration as the mother said she couldn't afford to. I should probably add here that the school they all attend is private, so the mother must pay some school fees (though could, of course, have a substantial bursary. I don't know).

The girl lives with her mother and brother. The father (parents are divorced) lives abroad and doesn't seem to see much of his children at all. The brother is 21 and lives at home.

I've met the mother on a couple of occasions and she is odd. Very odd. Very fussy, very nervy, can't make normal chit chat. She is also seemingly obsessively grateful if her daughter is invited to anything (and given the amount that 13 year old girls socialise, it's a bit odd that she's so gushing and grateful anytime her daughter is invited anywhere).

Anyway, DD and her friends thought that as Sophie hadn't had any kind of celebration, they'd arrange a sleepover this half-term, invite Sophie, and make it a little surprise party with cakes and gifts. DD checked that Sophie was free, all the friends have been planning the party (fancy dress, food, attendees, music, presents etc).

Then, DD hears from Sophie (who is very upset) - her mother has said Sophie can't come as Sophie's older brother is out that night and the mother won't stay at her house on her own. She is too scared. Let me point out that they live in suburbia of a normal town (not known for gangs, violence or anything to be scared of). I called the mother (at DD's request) to explain that the girls had organised this surprise party which is why they really wanted Sophie to come. The mother told me she was sorry but was too scared to be at home on her own, so her daughter couldn't come to the party.

Sophie is of course massively upset (she didn't know about the party, but obviously wanted to see her friends). DD is upset. The friends are upset. There are no other dates that can be organised for half term.

Now, I understand people might have anxiety of some kind. But this woman is basically turning her children into her carers. God knows what happens if either the older brother of Sophie want to go to university, or, God forbid, leave home.

I've just had a text from the mother confirming that Sophie can't come. I'm sitting on my hands to stop myself from typing back that she needs to sort out her issues and not make her children suffer as a result.

AIBU in thinking this is massively unfair on the kids and will royally fuck up their lives? I obviously can't do much about it other than fume. But honestly - surely the mother should seek some help rather than making her kids suffer?

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 27/05/2014 23:40

" I still maintain that as a parent you need to put your own issues aside and focus on your children. Whether they be MH issues or otherwise. You have a responsibility to your children. I feel sorry for this girl and the burden she has come under."

And how exactly do you propose that people 'put their issues to one aside'?

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/05/2014 23:43

I am sorry you feel that way. I suggest getting some help or counselling.

My mum now has her depression under control, she is an amazing mother and fantastic grandmother.

She needed help for a few years, I'm glad as a family we provided that help.

LEMmingaround · 27/05/2014 23:47

" For all I know she may just be a bit of a drip. "

"I still maintain that as a parent you need to put your own issues aside and focus on your children. Whether they be MH issues or otherwise. You have a responsibility to your children. I feel sorry for this girl and the burden she has come under. I am not a saint and am not about to swoop in and befriend the mother just because she suffers from anxiety or something similar. It's not my place and it's not something I'm inclined to do. If I can help her daughter, though, then I will try. She's a sweet girl and it's not fair on her."

Wow - you are a real charmer aren't you Hmm.

But let me for one minute just focus on a few things in this paragraph.

  1. How do you know she isnt putting her issues to one side as much as she can? What about parents with physical disabilities (not that MH isn't as debilitating?) who's illnesses impact on their children - should they just get over themselves?
  1. Well it is perfectly clear you are not a saint! and why should you help this woman? i mean, what has she ever done for you? But you want to help her daughter? Errr, so getting to know and befriend her mum and offering her support or helping her access support wouldn't help the daughter then?

And after all that - the party will be rescheduled? well its a non-issue then isn't it!

This may well be someone who is struggling as a carer for their parent - it may not, but hey as long as your DD gets her party eh! What about helping her anyway?? oh no, you wont do that because you are not a saint and tell it like it is - you say with such pride!

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 27/05/2014 23:56

I am intolerant of people who can't do things - stay home alone, drive on motorways, get the tube alone, navigate alone, travel alone, work. I dislike dependence and I dislike it more when a child is being relied upon like this. My mother was dependent upon me after my father died and I loathed it. At least my mother was dependent on me only to drive and speak French. This poor girl has it far worse and at a younger age too.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 28/05/2014 00:00

Op but you know nothing about this family.

Have you ever stopped and thought, the reason the mum may get excited when her daughter goes to parties is because she is having a good day.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 28/05/2014 00:03

You may be independent but you lack empathy and the capacity to understand different peoples levels of resilience. What are you teaching your child?!

LEMmingaround · 28/05/2014 00:04

Gosh, do you not see what a bad picture you are painting of yourself OP? You seem proud of your intolerance.

Maybe the woman doesn't feel that your daughter and her friends are appropraite company for her DD and is using that as an excuse. Just a thought...........

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 28/05/2014 00:05

Intolerance- such a desirable quality. Especially in a parent. OP i hope you put your intolerance issues aside whilst raising your daughter.

Joules68 · 28/05/2014 00:07

W do you know she 'has it worse'?

You are now speculating.

PrincessBabyCat · 28/05/2014 03:47

I'm generally brutally honest (which is why I often end up being flamed). I'm not particularly sensitive and say what I think (albeit on this board and not to the mother in question).

There's a fine line between being blunt and hiding behind "keeping it real" to be an ass. You can be honest with tact. It's a message board, you can read what you type. It's not like something is just flying out of your mouth. Honest people know boundaries and are not intentionally mean or vulgar because that's not real it's ignorance.

I am intolerant of people who can't do things - stay home alone, drive on motorways, get the tube alone, navigate alone, travel alone, work. I dislike dependence and I dislike it more when a child is being relied upon like this.

Wow.

Just wow.

You dislike someone just because they have a disability?

No, children shouldn't be relied on. But there's nothing wrong with needing extra outside help so you can function.

Personally, I wouldn't be someone's friend just because I felt sorry for them. But I wouldn't be rude to them or look down on them either.

Chippednailvarnish · 28/05/2014 06:53

I am intolerant of people who can't do things - stay home alone, drive on motorways, get the tube alone, navigate alone, travel alone, work

And you have the nerve to say this woman has issues!

saintlyjimjams · 28/05/2014 07:23

No idea whether there are MH problems.

This is not a SS matter. (Unfortunate yes if it a symptom of deeper problems but on it's own SS are not going to investigate because a teen isn't allowed to go to a sleepover).

I agree with the OP that if that is the real reason the mother shouldn't be preventing her dd from staying. Of course there may be other factors not being discussed.

I write as someone who has children who could be classed as young carers (severely disabled sibling). It is IMO important that if a child is in a caring role (& it's not clear whether this girl is or not really) then it does not get in the way of their own social life

Chippednailvarnish · 28/05/2014 07:31

I am intolerant of people who can't do things - stay home alone, drive on motorways, get the tube alone, navigate alone, travel alone, work

And you have the nerve to say this woman has issues!

zzzzz · 28/05/2014 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunshinecity17 · 28/05/2014 07:57

'I suggested that instead of the sleepover, she picks up her daughter around 9pm. '

^^ This makes me think you are not being told the real reason.At 9pm it is still broad daylight-no different to being alone in the afternoon (which she must be while sophie is at school) Maybe Sophie is grounded and her dm didn't want to embarrass her.

sunshinecity17 · 28/05/2014 07:59

maybe sophie just doesn't want to go, and her mum is providing her a get out without hurting the girls' feelings

indigo18 · 28/05/2014 08:03

As someone who had ONE birthday party in her entire life, I think you are being U to try to interfere. There were no cakes to share either. And I went to a private school with a posh uniform, but I had a free place. I was always thrilled to be invited to other girls' homes, but didn't really want them at mine, as I was well aware that our home was very modest in comparison.

PicardyThird · 28/05/2014 08:04

Agree with saintly that children who to any extent are in a caring role need very much to have things for them. And social life is not just parties and fun, it is crucially important when you are learning to interact with others, form relationships outside the family (friendships, above all), preparing to make your way in the world.

Those of you who are saying 'it's one sleepover' - if this issue crops up once it will again and again. Residential school trips. Scout/guide/DoE camps. Trips away with activities (drama/competitive sports/music). Holidays with friends, perhaps. All experiences we consider important and are keen to facilitate for our children.

zzzzz · 28/05/2014 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PicardyThird · 28/05/2014 08:19

Having been kept on a very, very tight leash indeed during my adolescence - which one could say was ultimately through MH issues of my mother's (but which went along with a situation that was certainly abusive - obviously no idea whether this is the case with Sophie) - I think these things are of crucial importance. I went out into the world with no idea of how to form relationships or keep myself safe and subterranean levels of confidence in myself.

The issue here is that Sophie appears to be missing out on stuff that is enriching and if the reason the mother gives is to be taken at face value that is not OK, I think. Neither is the vitriol OK which the OP has been receiving here for her fairly understandable response to what appears to her to be going on.

wheresthelight · 28/05/2014 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wheresthelight · 28/05/2014 08:30

Apologies for the spelling issues combination of phone and no feeling in my fingers to feel the keyboard response

Stripytop · 28/05/2014 08:32

Sorry, haven't read all of the thread.

From your post, you sound like you're lucky enough not to have realised that lots of children are hidden young carers. If Sophie is caring for her mum, maybe without even realising it, she could maybe do with practical empathic support rather than pressure to compete socially.

Have a read around young carers (google it) and, if you can manage it sensitively, start a dialogue with Sophie about what she and mum may need.

There's a hint been given here about mum's anxiety, and rather than sending a judging and critical text, maybe you could think about whether there's anything you can do to help.

MmeMorrible · 28/05/2014 08:33

Again, Sophie has been on other sleepovers, just not this one. There's zero evidence that she is being prevented from having a social life, but actually there is some evidence that she does indeed take part in social activities.

TheWordFactory · 28/05/2014 08:37

zzzzz I would say that for any child, it is crucial to be allowed to experience the social activities that are the norm within their peer group.

This is especially important for DC who are in any way taking on caring responsibilities. And being with a parent who is afraid to be alone at night, falls within that category.

All the organisations for children in this situation are very clear about it.

These DC already have a huge burden, whoich they often undertake uncomplainingly. Playing down that burden is disingenuous.