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Original poster

Partner lending money to cocaine dealer when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

142 replies

bunglesmum12 · 25/05/2014 23:39

Hi, not sure if this is the right place to write this but I have had some problems with my partner doing drugs, coke and weed in particular. At the beginning of our baby journey he agreed that everything would stop and of course it didn't and I battled with the idea of leaving/ having an abortion. Over time, things have got better but he has found two new friends who just happen to be massive cocaine dealers. I have problems with him having these new "friends" as he has trouble saying "no". I am now 38 weeks pregnant and was having quite a good day yesterday until my partners phone rang. He said that one of said "friends" was coming to the house to borrow £200 and that he was going to pay him back tomorrow. I immediately said I didn't want him coming to the house and I don't think he should lend him such a large amount of money. I mean, what else does a drug dealer suddenly need £200 for at 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon for? He reckons it was to pay his mortgage! But how many people pay their mortgage in cash late on a Saturday afternoon and are able to give the £200 back the very next day??
Am I being unreasonable being angry?
I don't want anything to do with drugs and I don't want them in or near my house and I don't want drug dealers coming to the front door asking for money.
I was furious that my partner would lend such a large amount of money at the drop of a hat to someone like that, especially when we still have some large baby purchases to buy! My partner thinks I am being "unhinged". So hurtful

OP posts:
specialsubject · 27/05/2014 12:09

the guy is a junkie and a liar. OP, don't compound your mistakes and don't bring a child into this situation.

leave.

this is not cute recreational drug use - as if there is such a thing.

thebestnameshavegone · 27/05/2014 12:19

he is prioritising drugs over his partner and child. and he is bringing dealers into their home. i think this is way past recreational.

Sallyingforth · 27/05/2014 12:25

As someone said above the OP seems to have her head in the sand. She still hasn't returned to her thread so it seems further comment is wasted.
I feel so sorry for the baby being brought into such an environment.

YouTheCat · 27/05/2014 12:35

Maybe she hasn't returned because she is busy leaving her arse of a partner? Just a thought.

OP, he has said he'd stop and change and he hasn't. He has no intention of doing so.

Andrewofgg · 27/05/2014 13:15

YouTheCat Let's hope so.

justtoomessy · 27/05/2014 13:26

All I've got to say is he is not going to be a solicitor with his own firm for very long if he is sending dealers round to pick up money off his 38 weeks pregnant partner now is he?

Can't drug abuse get you disbarred? I mean he is knowingly associating with criminals (which I know a lot do) and sending them to his house....thats a bit more than meeting them in the loo's of a busy pub to get coke isn't it?

Get out now because otherwise you will see yourself getting beaten up/your kids threatened/your house forcibly entered and stuff taken.

However, I think, as most of us do on here, OP isn't going to go anywhere and in a few months time we will be seeing another thread about how he is selling of the kids stuff to pay for his drugs, he's lost his job, he's abusive and people keep sending threats.

Very, very sad to think that people choose to stay with these crappy deadbeats instead of putting their children first/protecting their children.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/05/2014 13:30

Don't threaten her with social services removing the baby, that's not going to happen.

Sallyingforth · 27/05/2014 14:02

I hope not Ehric, but if the cokehead continues to pull the mother down and turns her home into a drug den with pushers visiting, the SS may have no choice.
Let's hope she sees sense and leaves before that happens.

HappydaysArehere · 27/05/2014 14:14

Go home to mum and dad. Go now.

ditsygal · 27/05/2014 14:45

Please go home to your mum and dad, a friends house, or call womens aid. He has had his chance to change, if he hasn't taken it (which he hasn't if he is still giving money to a drug dealer) then he is in too deep to make that change at this point and will be no good for you or your baby. Just think of the risk of a drug dealer turning up when you are home alone with the baby to collect money. Its a horrible and terrifying thought. You need to leave now.
good luck, you have a lot of us rooting for you.

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 28/05/2014 00:18

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your input. I have of course been following the thread very very carefully and the reason I have not posted is because it has been the bank holiday weekend and my partner has been around the house and using the laptop. Obviously I don't want him finding this, he would go insane! But I have read every one of your comments and doing a lot of thinking.

I know the right thing to do is leave, it's breaking my heart to say that but deep down I know I need to. I am incredibly lucky to have my parents very near by and I have spent all day there trying to think things through clearly. I have also benefitted from some very sound advice which I am taking on board (thank you 'P')

I have to put my son and my baby first, there is no question of that at all. And there is no place in my life for drugs or drug takers or drug dealers, it's totally unacceptable around children and makes me feel sick to my stomach that it would continue or get worse. I have listened to and believed the empty promises pretty much every weekend for almost a year and can't do it any more. I need to sit down with him tomorrow when he gets home and talk things through. I have arranged for my son to go to my parents house for the evening and I will leave my house after the conversation to join my son at my parents house and leave my partner to it.

I won't be returning to the house unless he agrees to get help and cut ties with these awful people he is involved with.

I remain hopeful!

Thank you once again everyone. Some comments have been harsh but it has been a massive reality check and really given me the kick I needed. So thank you, you have helped more than you will ever know xx

OP posts:
RussianBlu · 28/05/2014 00:32

Is it wise and safe to stay alone and have a chat with him? Will it really be that easy? I think I would be tempted to rethink that one. He sounds awful (sorry) and how terrible for your son to have lived with such a person. Would you really consider going back to such a person??

Good luck to you!!!

Ericaequites · 28/05/2014 01:11

Yes, there are some high bottom addict professionals. Leave now. Don't allow him in the hospital during labor. Serve him with papers as soon as possible. Get your folks to help you. They love you and don't want you or the baby to be hurt. Tell you midwife. Don't be ashamed; she has seen everything.

Doinmummy · 28/05/2014 01:45

I'm glad you have come to this decision but I wouldn't bother talking talking to him about this, all you will get are more empty promises which will get your hopes up only for them to be dashed again.

thornrose · 28/05/2014 02:05

Nice to see you back bungles take care of yourself and be strong Thanks

GarlicMayonnaise · 28/05/2014 03:58

Good luck, bungle. It sounds as though you have good people behind you. I think you understand, now, that you must be totally unbending on this - addiction is an extremely demanding mistress and you're going to have to make him choose. If he's even capable of escaping its clutches right now, it won't let him go easily. He will grab at any opportunity to cheat both sides - you know how badly that'll end up, so can't afford the slightest hint of compromise. It's going to be so tough for you, especially now when all your instincts are for 'family'. Thank goodness you really do have a safe & supportive family for this!

As a small encouragement, I've known many very heavy coke users quit fairly easily. On the other hand, coke addicts were the only patients in rehab who had their dealers visit every weekend! Only he can make it stop, and his ability to quit depends on multiple factors, only one of which you can influence. You'll have to do your best - your strongest and most resolute - and then leave him to it. Let your family and friends love you.

Best wishes.

AnnieIncognito · 28/05/2014 04:06

Sounds like progress bungle. Be strong and stay safe.

calmet · 28/05/2014 07:29

Social Services are not going to take a baby into care in these circumstances. Although that does take away from the advice above.

NellysKnickers · 28/05/2014 07:57

I cannot believe the hysterical responses on here. Get a grip people. Op this can be turned around but your dh has to WANT to change. You do not have to leave but he DOES have to change. Cocaine can turn people into violant twats but not always. Get some proper professional advice from people who know what they are talking about. Good luck.

differentnameforthis · 28/05/2014 08:07

Onesleeptillwembley Do you have to be so bloody rude? If you don't want to discuss the ops issues, why don't you just close the thread?

captainmummy · 28/05/2014 08:20

It is not unusual in the City for many, many professionals to be on coke. Occasional, or weekend, or recreational use, and still high functioning. It is not inevitable that he would lose the business, or go to prison if caught, not at all.
HOWEVER, as a user, he is and would be as much a danger to a child, as if he was an alcoholic. Unable to care for a child, unable to drive in an emergency, a terrible role model, and basically no good or help to op.
I still say get out. Have your baby in a safe, clean environment, and then work out whether you want him in your lives.

Whocansay · 28/05/2014 09:07

I would suggest he makes those changes long before you agree to come back. His promises are worthless, as he has already shown you. Keep your child away from him until he's in recovery.

eddielizzard · 28/05/2014 09:15

good luck. glad you have the support of your parents.

Doinmummy · 28/05/2014 09:22

Nelly I think lots of people on this thread sadly do know what they're talking about.

starlight1234 · 28/05/2014 09:28

Good luck with it all.

Just a word of warning..My Ex was a druggie ( probably still is)
I got him to leave because I wasn't prepared to have drugs in the house. He went through the process of getting help but never gave up.(although he didn't admit that) His reason though was he wasn't ready to give up and felt I was forcing him.

I can understand you wanting him tog et him but really don't trust a word he says right now. Sadly you and the children are not in any way important right now compared to his drugs.