Partner lending money to cocaine dealer when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

[bunglesmum12]

Hi, not sure if this is the right place to write this but I have had some problems with my partner doing drugs, coke and weed in particular. At the beginning of our baby journey he agreed that everything would stop and of course it didn't and I battled with the idea of leaving/ having an abortion. Over time, things have got better but he has found two new friends who just happen to be massive cocaine dealers. I have problems with him having these new "friends" as he has trouble saying "no". I am now 38 weeks pregnant and was having quite a good day yesterday until my partners phone rang. He said that one of said "friends" was coming to the house to borrow £200 and that he was going to pay him back tomorrow. I immediately said I didn't want him coming to the house and I don't think he should lend him such a large amount of money. I mean, what else does a drug dealer suddenly need £200 for at 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon for? He reckons it was to pay his mortgage! But how many people pay their mortgage in cash late on a Saturday afternoon and are able to give the £200 back the very next day??
Am I being unreasonable being angry?
I don't want anything to do with drugs and I don't want them in or near my house and I don't want drug dealers coming to the front door asking for money.
I was furious that my partner would lend such a large amount of money at the drop of a hat to someone like that, especially when we still have some large baby purchases to buy! My partner thinks I am being "unhinged". So hurtful

He is not the only one who needs to see sense.

He has had 38 weeks to change.
As has the OP, and in these 38 weeks she has continued to stick with him, bringing not just one, but two children into the car-crash her life has become.

I bet she will keep burying her head in the sand.

OP, given that your baby is so imminently due and this stress will be impacting on her, I always default to her, this is a crisis. If you don't want to stay with your family you might prefer to go into a shelter for a few weeks. If you do this you will be sure to get all the help you need to put your life back together. Try women aid or gingerbread they will help you with advice.

It seems spectacularly pointless, and unkind, to keep posting 'Why did you decide to have a baby with him?' when OP is about to give birth. Does anyone have a time machine handy? Maybe try to post useful advice then.

QuintessentiallyQS Is this the right moment or the right method and is any of us the right person to have a go at the OP?

What matters is that she gets herself, the child she has, and the child on the way, to safety now. In fact: what EverythingCounts said.

Indeed, and is it right to have a go at other posters? What purpose does that serve?

OP is not engaging on her thread, which leads me to believe she is choosing to keep her head in the sand, still.

Quite right.
The OP made a mistake 38 weeks ago. There's no earthly point isn harping on about it now. She needs (and has received) support and good advice on how to proceed now. I hope she will take that advice and not be further upset by pointless criticism.

It wouldn't be any less unkind to ask it when after the baby is born. But it's still a valid question. It blows my mind sometimes when women have children with men who are blatantly not fit to be fathers.

It blows my mind sometimes when women have children with men who are blatantly not fit to be fathers.

It's called 'love'. Makes people do damn stupid things sometimes, trusting that they will work out OK. But they rarely do.

It's not pointless criticism, if it gives the OP a wake up call then good, as she is in severe need of it, especially if she does have another child who is living in the house, and if she is so lacking in judgement as to TTC with this guy, then yes, the fact that others are so shocked might just bring her to her senses. Or the fact that her children might accidentally consume drugs lying around. Or what if she goes into labour and he drives high on coke to the hospital?
OP think about your children, and get out of there.

This sounds harsh but you're incredibly naive if you think the 'dealer' is coming to the house for a loan!

He's coming to make sure he get money owed to him end of. If he doesn't get it he will either threaten or be violent.

You

Pressed send too soon.

You need to leave, why would you bring your precious baby into this type of life.

On the surface he's a respected solicitor but he's a junkie underneath and he won't change!

If he was going to change, he would have done already - he's had 9 months to make himself a fit father. He hasn't. He's putting you in danger. You're about to have a baby, you don't have the luxury of giving umpteenth chances to fucked-up men even if you love them. Your responsibility is to your child, and your current situation is not safe or appropriate for a child.

And you are in a MUCH better position to go now than you will be in a few weeks, when you're physically recovering from birth, sleep deprived, rushed off your feet feeding a newborn, and emotionally all over the place. Please take this opportunity.

At least tell us you've had the sense to send your elder child to Grannies by now, and so ensured that child's safety?

I see that someone else has just asked what I was about to: who's going to drive you to hospital in labour? Him, on a coke high? And what if he comes to collect you afterwards, and your baby's first trip home is driven by someone unfit to be behind the wheel?

Your call, OP.

OP, you need help.

FFS- I can't comprehend that you seriously believed that your DP was lending a drug dealer money- are you really that naive?

Drug dealers don't borrow money- they deal drugs- hence their title.

Your partner isn't going to change. You need to get help and get out.

If he is a solicitor and he gets caught the shit will really hit the fan and he'll be barred just to top everything else off.

You are getting a lot of stick I have been there EX lending dealer money..You want to believe different esp at a vulnerable time in your life but my Ex never sent dealers to my house for money.

He knows the risks of sending a dealer to the house for you and unborn baby. He cares about drugs far more than you.

I would get yourself and other child out of that house..No point kicking him out dealers now know your address and will not care if you are separated.

This is a time in your life where you need support you need to get out to get some support

Leave.

Go to stay with family or a friend.

He will not change.

I think the phrase amongst intelligent criminal types that springs to mind is that

"You NEVER ever shit on your own door step".

Your partner has blown that one right out the water and then some. Get yourself and your kids someplace safe and then break down, cry, scream, sob your heart out. This betrayal is far worse than mere infidelity and I get that you must be feeling absolutely devastated. Right now though naievity is a luxury you cannot afford and you don't have time for a breakdown.

There are lots of people out there who can help you, from family and friends to this forum, right through to the official authorities. They can't help though if you are unwilling to make that first, admittedly very scary step for yourself.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for the incredibly stupid and dangerous actions of a grown, well educated adult - your ex partner is soley responsible for the breakdown of your family unit and for putting the children at risk. (& he is your ex because mentally he's already checked out of the relationship and sold his family out to the addiction). Go now and SS will help you sort out the practicalities later if you cannot bring yourself to share with your social circle. (to be fair to them, this is exactly the sort of situation where SW's prove to be worth their weight in gold).

You can only take responsibility for your own actions from this point forward. Get to a safe location, cry on someone's shoulder (we are all here for you) rest up so that you give birth to a healthy child that you and his/her elder sibling can enjoy safely and worry about life, the universe and the rest of the world later. You'll never, ever be as vulnerable emotionally again in your life as you are in late pregnancy, once you've given birth it'll be possible to start figuring stuff out.

OP women's aid 0808 2000 247

NOW.

You are at risk, they may be able to help.

has anyone said report him yet? call the police on him and get him arrested when you know he is carrying? really is a toxic situation your in xx

I don't think getting him arrested will actually improve the situation for OP in the slightest.

Cocaine is a class A drug as you probably know = class A drugs mean up to 7 years in jail, an unlimited fine or both for possession. For supply and production it's up to life in prison and/or an unlimited fine.

Yes, but that just doesn't happen. If you get caught with it for personal use you will get a fine / slap on the wrist. That's it.

Back to the matter in hand.

OP, it does sound like this money is for drugs I'm afraid.

BUT I do think all the people who are saying "leave him" are being over dramatic.

I know i'm going to get roasted on here for this, and I'm not saying it's right, but I know plenty of people who are social drug users and their occasional weekend habits don't cause any problems in their day to day life.

However, if the OP and her OH are expecting a baby and are short of cash, then in this situation, it is causing problems. But again, I think leaving him would be a bit drastic.

Leave.

Social services won't be impressed with you keeping a baby in a drug-filled junkie household. So if you actually fancy keeping that child, leave.

Lots of people can use drugs recreationally ( I hate that term) but many can't and it spirals out of control .

If I was the Op I wouldn't risk this being the case.