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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner lending money to cocaine dealer when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

142 replies

bunglesmum12 · 25/05/2014 23:39

Hi, not sure if this is the right place to write this but I have had some problems with my partner doing drugs, coke and weed in particular. At the beginning of our baby journey he agreed that everything would stop and of course it didn't and I battled with the idea of leaving/ having an abortion. Over time, things have got better but he has found two new friends who just happen to be massive cocaine dealers. I have problems with him having these new "friends" as he has trouble saying "no". I am now 38 weeks pregnant and was having quite a good day yesterday until my partners phone rang. He said that one of said "friends" was coming to the house to borrow £200 and that he was going to pay him back tomorrow. I immediately said I didn't want him coming to the house and I don't think he should lend him such a large amount of money. I mean, what else does a drug dealer suddenly need £200 for at 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon for? He reckons it was to pay his mortgage! But how many people pay their mortgage in cash late on a Saturday afternoon and are able to give the £200 back the very next day??
Am I being unreasonable being angry?
I don't want anything to do with drugs and I don't want them in or near my house and I don't want drug dealers coming to the front door asking for money.
I was furious that my partner would lend such a large amount of money at the drop of a hat to someone like that, especially when we still have some large baby purchases to buy! My partner thinks I am being "unhinged". So hurtful

OP posts:
AnnieIncognito · 26/05/2014 00:51

It is not safe for you to remain in that house a moment longer OP. The dealers have been to the house and if your DP is indebted to them, they will be back for more money and will likely use force to get it.

Call your family and ask for their urgent help. You have absolutely no reasons to be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. Get out and protect yourself and your child.

Flowers
hashtagwhatever · 26/05/2014 00:52

Definitely turn to family/friends if possible.

Leaving him may possibly be the wake up he needs to change his ways if not, you and your children will never be worse off than if you stay. Who's name is your current address in? Do you have a income or is dp the earner?

Original poster
bunglesmum12 · 26/05/2014 03:41

Thanks QuintessentiallyQS but I am not on glue. What an awful thing to say. When I started seeing my partner, he didn't take anything and it's something that got out of hand last summer. He is a Solicitor who has his own firm and has just turned 40. We talked about having a baby and he acknowledged that he was doing coke every weekend and that it had to stop. Once I fell pregnant in September it didn't stop but he said it would, but he pulled the wool over my eyes. I was left in a really difficult situation where I wasn't sure wether to trust the man I love and am engaged to and believe that he would stop using coke or to leave and have an abortion. I had a twelve week scan and it was so difficult to abort after that. We talked and said I was seriously considering it and that I couldn't have the procedure done after 16 weeks. That seemed to make the penny drop until I was 16 weeks and then he was back to his old tricks again. I have felt completely trapped. And here I am at 38 weeks having the same issues.
So, the answer to your question is no. I am not on glue. I am in a bad situation.

OP posts:
AnnieIncognito · 26/05/2014 03:51

My heart goes out to you bungles. I cannot imagine how stressed and heartbroken you must feel. The sad truth is, he made his choice and he chose drugs over you and your baby.

As much as you may love him, you really do need to leave and make sure you are safe. And this comes from someone who rarely believes leaving is the only answer. In this case, however, it is. He brought drug dealers into your home - the home where you should be able to feel safe. That act has compromised your safety and the safety of your child.

You need to call Women's Aid or Shelter for advice and get in touch with your parents asking for help.

Do not be ashamed about any of this. It is entirely his fault. Not yours.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 26/05/2014 03:55

OP...just get the hell out of there asap!

mindthegap79 · 26/05/2014 04:09

I'm so sorry for you OP. I agree that you need to leave him. Have you got friends you can stay with if that's easier than family? People who love you will want to help you. I'm looking at my baby dd now and imagining her being in that situation - I'd be devastated if she didn't come to me for help! Put your baby first. Worry about the house etc later.

Sleepysheepsleeping · 26/05/2014 04:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isabeller · 26/05/2014 04:32

Talk to your midwife. Be brave. Good Luck.

MexicanSpringtime · 26/05/2014 04:55

It's not just the law and the dealers you should be wary of, every cocaine addict I have known has ended up beating up their girlfriend for some imagined slight. This drug induces violent paranoia.

Please look after yourself and your baby.
Be brave

Roshbegosh · 26/05/2014 05:22

He thinks you are thick too because of the bullshit about paying the dealer's mortgage. He is laughing at you.

Ardiente · 26/05/2014 05:39

Pack your bags and go. Drug dealers stop at nothing to get their money back. Not even a pregnant woman or a baby. Your bf is too addicted to understand that he is endangering you and your baby. Go to your family or a woman's refuge, but do not under any circumstance believe your bf can change. You owe this to your unborn child. Sorry you are going through this but you are very much master of your own destiny. Take control.

CoffeeTea103 · 26/05/2014 05:46

So you even talked about a baby knowing he was a cocaine user, That was irresponsible of you. However now it's time to step up and do the right thing. I agree with everyone else, go to your family for help.

EverythingCounts · 26/05/2014 06:15

Yes, the 'are you on glue?' question is basically an in-joke on here. However, not everyone realises that it's actually a crass and insensitive and not in fact funny remark Hmm so just ignore that.

I would not discuss it with your partner anymore - it's gone too far for that. I would move out as soon as you possibly can. If and when he wants to clean up his act, he can but you can't risk your own and your baby's safety. And as pp have said, it's not your fault.

HookingBrilliant · 26/05/2014 06:19

Good luck, op.

bochead · 26/05/2014 06:37

So now some very dangerous individuals know your partners address? They also know now that they have great leverage to use over him in the form of his partner and newborn baby - it's Xmas!

FFS woman wtf are you doing?

Wake up - your partner was paying his own tab!!!!!!! Money lending amongst this segment is all done away from the home for safety reasons. Only collections offer home visits. You don't have the right to be this stupid as a mother.

Even if you kick your partner out today - your address is now "known" ergo it's no longer safe.

IF you want to keep this child you need to pack a suitcase today and go and stay with parents/family/friends/refuge. If you have to pitch up at the homeless persons unit with a suitcase at your local council Tuesday morning. Failure to do so will ultimately end up one of 3 ways

  1. Best case scenario - someone tips off SS and the baby is taken into permanent care in order to keep it safe. Your home is searched and you find yourself at her majesty's pleasure for the products found in your home. (hey you live with him - it will be assumed any drugs found are there with your full consent!).
  1. Medium scenario - your house is one day totally trashed and your partner winds up in hospital while you are at a Mum and baby group.
  1. Worst case scenario - you are home with the baby one day when there is an unscheduled knock at the door from your partners associates.

I sometimes think MN goes a bit loopy on the advice to leave partners - your case though I think is now really urgent. To be frank I'm more than a bit cross you didn't run for the exit when you saw the thin blue test line 9 months ago.

bochead · 26/05/2014 06:55

You WERE from a good background - right now all you are is a junkie's collateral. If you are smart you won't give him a forwarding address. You need to be somewhere safe when you go into labour.

I get you are living a nightmare, but it's only to get much, much worse if you don't take action today. Far better to deal with the reactions of disappointed parents etc than the alternatives. I'm so,so sorry this is happening to you, and wouldn't bother to be so harsh if I wasn't so very, very worried for your safety.

Niace girls from good backgrounds can and do fall for the wrong men. They can also make it on their own and give their their children a really good start in life as single parents even if they start out on their parents sofa.

My advice to you is to get out, have that baby and do not under ANY circumstances put that man's name on the birth certificate until he has been totally clean with sign off from a recognised rehab centre for a minimum of 12 months.

paxtecum · 26/05/2014 07:04

OP: Leave him and don't ever be ashamed.

Re the possible violence from your DP:I knew lots of cocaine users who have never used violence, so that is not inevitable.

It is likely though that his usage will increase and he will be sniffing 700 per week up his nose.

He will make mistakes at work and maybe be tempted to syphon money from places that he shouldn't.

Some people are functioning cocaine addicts, but it will catch up with him.

As you already know it is more important to him that you and the baby.

If you leave him he may in the future change his ways and give up his habit. But right now he is lying to you.

It is easier to leave now than in three weeks time.

Can you move back with family?
Please tell them the problem.

Best wishes to you.

paxtecum · 26/05/2014 07:10

OP: Does he go out without you at the weekends and do coke or does he sneak away and do it at home and stay up all night?

Dizzywhore · 26/05/2014 07:21

Why don't you kick him out? Change the locks and tell him you'll report him to the police if he try's to get into the house. You shouldn't have to move so late on in your pregnancy. Good luck and be strong x

wowfudge · 26/05/2014 07:22

Sounds as though it's only a matter of time before his life spirals out of control. He's ripe for blackmailing if he has his own business and is outwardly respectable. He may also be using his firm's funds (i.e. client account money) which he thinks he is going to repay.

He has lied to you to keep you there already - addicts lie to themselves, to others. Seriously, listen to the advice here: get out now and don't let yourself be manipulated by this man.

QuintessentiallyQS · 26/05/2014 07:37

It is correct that you were from a good background. You cant ride on the wave of what your parents worked hard for and created, you are riding your own wave that you and your dp has created. Your wave is one of drug abuse, criminal behaviour and unsavory people. Unless you leave. I find it really hard to believe you have been so naive, hence the glue comment. You need to disassociate from him, to ensure that you and your baby stays safe.
He will not understand. He is a junkie. He will try convince you otherwise with stupid lies.

Andrewofgg · 26/05/2014 07:42

Leave, leave, leave, today not tomorrow, this morning not this afternoon, you owe it to yourself and your baby, leave, please. Good luck to you.

paxtecum · 26/05/2014 07:56

OP: This is what I posted in November to you

*He'll only be able to stop if he cuts all those mates out of his life, stops pubbing and clubbing and stops drinking too.

If he completely changes his lifestyle, he can give it up, but those mates are a big part of his life and no doubt his work life too.

Sorry, but it is unlikely that he will give up.

He will be hungover after a night on coke and pills, irritable and useless the next day. Moody for a few days too.
Not good for being a Dad.

I expect he wants to carry on partying AND have a lovely wife and family too.*

I think that if you leave him it may be the kick up the bum that he needs.

He can turn his life around but will have to become teetotal to do so.
If he doesn't you and the baby will always be second to the cocaine.
people take cocaine because it makes them feel good but as always in life, there are consequences.

Be strong, pack your bags and go.

dirtybanana · 26/05/2014 08:06

I agree that you should leave asap.

What makes this worse is that your 'D'P is a lawyer - there is nothing worse then a corrupt lawyer (or corrupt police officer for that matter). Prosecution would be the end of his career, so he would drop you in it if the police searched your home and found stuff (especially if he falls out with his "friends", and they inform the police to save their skins). Also, when people spiral out of control, they tend to want to drag other people into the vortex with them - don't let that be you and your child.

He is going to cause you grief anyway, big time, better to go now before the baby is born.

Leave, tell your parents why you left and get them on your side.

EverythingCounts · 26/05/2014 09:34

While OP shouldn't have to move while heavily pregnant, it's a lot safer than staying at the address known to tho dealers, and where all the gear is being kept. Definitely go somewhere else