Partner lending money to cocaine dealer when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

[bunglesmum12]

Hi, not sure if this is the right place to write this but I have had some problems with my partner doing drugs, coke and weed in particular. At the beginning of our baby journey he agreed that everything would stop and of course it didn't and I battled with the idea of leaving/ having an abortion. Over time, things have got better but he has found two new friends who just happen to be massive cocaine dealers. I have problems with him having these new "friends" as he has trouble saying "no". I am now 38 weeks pregnant and was having quite a good day yesterday until my partners phone rang. He said that one of said "friends" was coming to the house to borrow £200 and that he was going to pay him back tomorrow. I immediately said I didn't want him coming to the house and I don't think he should lend him such a large amount of money. I mean, what else does a drug dealer suddenly need £200 for at 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon for? He reckons it was to pay his mortgage! But how many people pay their mortgage in cash late on a Saturday afternoon and are able to give the £200 back the very next day??
Am I being unreasonable being angry?
I don't want anything to do with drugs and I don't want them in or near my house and I don't want drug dealers coming to the front door asking for money.
I was furious that my partner would lend such a large amount of money at the drop of a hat to someone like that, especially when we still have some large baby purchases to buy! My partner thinks I am being "unhinged". So hurtful

[Sallyingforth]

Thanks for the update OP.
I'm relieved that you are not going to accept the status quo.
He will of course make promises to change. But I don't think you should have your children in the house with him until he has actually shown by his actions that he means to stay off for good.

[Ioethe]

Please, please get out. If he's going to change he can do it when he's not sharing a house with a newborn baby.

[GarlicMayonnaise]

I agree with Nelly, actually. While not in the least minimising the devastation any addiction can cause - and a well-paid professional running a critical debt with his dealer is close to devastation - he's not a "junkie" and he's not turning the home into a "drugs den", whatever one of those might be.

There is, however, the risk that a cocaine user who can't afford his habit or quit may switch to crack. Some dealers use this as a means of getting their money's worth. Crack does tend to lead to doomsday scenarios, followed by unpleasant early death.

[Doinmummy]

Garlic he is a junkie .

[Doinmummy]

But that's splitting hairs I guess. Whatever label you want to give him, his lifestyle is not healthy for him or the Op.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

Wise decision. Good luck.

[magoria]

Can you meet him in a public place rather than alone in a house?

[unrealhousewife]

OP, what if he agrees to get treatment?

And what about those first few weeks at your parents? Don't you want your own space? You need to carve out your own life.

If they know your address you can't go back there so you will have to move anyway.

[heraldgerald]

Good luck op. Be strong. Thinking of you in this difficult time. Unmumsnetty hugs.

[heraldgerald]

Good luck op. Be strong. Thinking of you in this difficult time. Unmumsnetty hugs.

[specialsubject]

joining the chorus, OP - wishing you all the luck and the better life that you deserve.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Garlic
Someone who can't give up when they promise to and can't put the welfare of their family first is an addict in my book. It doesn't really matter what the addiction is - alcohol, drugs, gambling - the fact that addiction makes people utterly selfish and blind to the consequences for others means the OP really does need to leave.

[MexicanSpringtime]

As for him not being a junkie, give me a heroin addict before a coke addict any day. Heroin addicts are rarely violent and even then only use as much violence as necessary to obtain the necessary to get another fix. Whereas the cocaine scene is riven with gratuitous violence.

[GarlicMayonnaise]

Huh? I haven't questioned his addicted status.

[bochead]

The City is full of Hee Haw Henry's, we all know this. It's a game that seems glamorous and fun, until a line is crossed and the user loses control. Many users are smart enough to stay the right side of the line. (High society quickly forgets any that don't).

Dealers doing home collections for debts owed is a whole different ball game and level of risk. The fine line between a rather silly recreational pursuit into something that could potentially turn far more sinister in an instant has been crossed.

I think the OP has done the only thing, she could under the circumstances. It must be immensely difficult, but is also very, very brave, & I for one admire her strength.

OP now you are out and safe in the immediate term, please don't be scared to tell your midwife, HV etc & please know that if you need it then SS can and will help you obtain access to social housing etc if needed after the baby has been born. You may find you need access to theraputic services to help you come to terms with what's happened - don't be shy about asking for it. Any professional you come across will only respect you all the more for doing so.

The support for you and your children is out there if you need it, once the dust has cleared. Don't for a second ever blame yourself. Your story and that of your children is on course for a happy ending now.

[unrealhousewife]

Excellent advice from Bochead.

What are your family like? Will they give you enough space or do they take over a bit?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Garlic
He may not be a "junkie" but as an addict with dealers coming to the house its still an unsuitable place for the OP. She and the children are low on his list of priorities and I am glad she is getting out.

Bochead Good post.

bungle Well done for facing this and taking decisive action. He's let you down but you are not to blame. I know someone who has had both of their children removed because she can't control her addiction yet if you meet her on a good day you wouldn't guess she had a problem.