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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner lending money to cocaine dealer when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

142 replies

bunglesmum12 · 25/05/2014 23:39

Hi, not sure if this is the right place to write this but I have had some problems with my partner doing drugs, coke and weed in particular. At the beginning of our baby journey he agreed that everything would stop and of course it didn't and I battled with the idea of leaving/ having an abortion. Over time, things have got better but he has found two new friends who just happen to be massive cocaine dealers. I have problems with him having these new "friends" as he has trouble saying "no". I am now 38 weeks pregnant and was having quite a good day yesterday until my partners phone rang. He said that one of said "friends" was coming to the house to borrow £200 and that he was going to pay him back tomorrow. I immediately said I didn't want him coming to the house and I don't think he should lend him such a large amount of money. I mean, what else does a drug dealer suddenly need £200 for at 4:15 on a Saturday afternoon for? He reckons it was to pay his mortgage! But how many people pay their mortgage in cash late on a Saturday afternoon and are able to give the £200 back the very next day??
Am I being unreasonable being angry?
I don't want anything to do with drugs and I don't want them in or near my house and I don't want drug dealers coming to the front door asking for money.
I was furious that my partner would lend such a large amount of money at the drop of a hat to someone like that, especially when we still have some large baby purchases to buy! My partner thinks I am being "unhinged". So hurtful

OP posts:

thornrose · 26/05/2014 10:58

I had another thought about this. A friend of mine got quite heavily into coke and into debt with dealers. She ended up being encouraged to sell a bit to keep her supply going and to keep out of debt.

She was a single mother with a child in the house and the risks she took were unbelievable.

Your new baby will not be enough to stop your dp getting in deeper.

Birdsgottafly · 26/05/2014 11:11

You cannot rely on your partner in any shape or form, as eventually your whole world will come crashing down.

I see Cocaine adicction around me, from all walks of life.

The higher you are the harder and lower you fall.

If you were in Social Housing, in a min wage paid job, you could give him time limits, as you would have a safety net.

If your DP gets found out, he will be instantly dismissed, you won't be able to tap into benefits and you won't get re-housed easily.

Go to your family now, because one day you will have to, but I doubt their reaction will be as supportive later, as it will be now.

An addict, is an addict, the only that changes is how much you have to lose. You, your baby and your DP have a lot to lose, which means he is in deep, otherwise it would end.

Birdsgottafly · 26/05/2014 11:14

Just to add, your partner doesn't have new friends, he's changed his dealers, he was either paying what he owed, or was buying his stuff for the weekend.

I hope he was buying for the weekend, because if he is buying on tick (which would be why he's had to change dealers) you both have serious problems.

unrealhousewife · 26/05/2014 11:22

Ok OP you feel trapped because he pretended to commit to you to keep you pregnant?

This is such a biggie and you need to get straight in your head that everythimg is about the baby now. You could have it adopted if you really felt it wasn't meant to happen but really would you?

Make the choice, make it now. If you choose to have and keep your baby you will know what you need to do about protecting her. He will not have unsupervised access, you will no live with him until you are assured that he is clean.

unrealhousewife · 26/05/2014 11:26

This is really sad, he is an addict that's all, not an evil person. I wish you both well. Don't try and rescue him, contact alanon for partners of addicts.

HowardTJMoon · 26/05/2014 11:32

OP, I understand that you feel trapped. I understand how you feel that you can't come clean to your family because of how disappointed they will be.

But if your family is half as good as you suggest they are, they will want you to be safe and happy. Yes you will feel awful while you tell them and there will be some shock and drama for a bit but then things will get better. You will have people on your side who can help you. You will have an escape route.

His drug use is his dirty secret, not yours. You don't owe him your complicity in his dangerous games. He doesn't deserve it. Because I guarantee you this, if you stay with him things will get worse. Dealers are not in the habit of making house-calls. They don't need to - it's easier to get the drug addicts to come to them. But these dealers know where you live and you don't get to be a major drug dealer by being fluffy and easy-going.

It's going to be a lot easier to leave before you have your baby than after. Go. Pack up all your important paper-work, passports etc and go. Then cancel any financial links you have with him because sooner or later he's going to drain those to pay for his drug addiction. Go now.

BertieBotts · 26/05/2014 11:36

You need to leave or kick him out. This is not a safe situation to bring a child into. What happens when the drug dealer turns up expecting money one day and you don't have it? Do you think they'll cheerfully write you an IOU and be on their way?

I agree with the others that it would be better and safer to leave if there is drug paraphanelia around the house and dealers are aware of the address.

Hobbes8 · 26/05/2014 11:44

I'm a bit alarmed that someone with such a well paid job is in debt to dealers - how much do you think he might owe?

heraldgerald · 26/05/2014 11:45

So sorry you are going through this op. Terrible situation. He needs help, right? What about asking for help from both your families and talking about rehab? Opening it up will bring honesty.

heraldgerald · 26/05/2014 11:48

So sorry you are going through this op. Terrible situation. He needs help, right? What about asking for help from both your families and talking about rehab? Opening it up will bring honesty.

specialsubject · 26/05/2014 11:48

go now. Consider him dead, because for all the use he will be to you, he is. He is also a danger to you.

go now and get settled before the birth. It is NOT going to get better.

go now before he or someone else beats up you, or the baby.

you don't need to spend a fortune on the baby - freecycle, ebay, charity shops. But YOU do need somewhere to live.

good luck.

3littlefrogs · 26/05/2014 11:48

Cocaine dealers never need to "borrow" money. They always have lots.
You need to run away from this man as fast and as far as you can.

dorathedestroyer · 26/05/2014 11:55

I never say LTB but couldn't read this and not add another voice urging you to get the hell out of there. It isn't really a 'What should I do?' situation, let alone AIBU. There's only one course of action open to you, and that's to leave, today. I know 'nice girls from nice families' always want to be considerate and polite, but as others have said much better, those rules no longer apply - you're pregnant to a man who's proven to be totally untrustworthy, and you've got drug dealers turning up on your doorstep.

Out. Out out out.

Meloria · 26/05/2014 11:55

"Baby journey"? I know it adds nothing to the thread but boak. Never heard anything cheesier in my life.

katese11 · 26/05/2014 12:03

bigger picture Meloria?

Hope you get things sorted OP. It sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

eurochick · 26/05/2014 12:15

A solicitor with his own firm should not have an issue with paying for baby things AND giving his dealer friend £200. It sounds like he is in deep and a lot of money is going up his nose.

Sallyingforth · 26/05/2014 12:18

OP I feel so sorry for you. You have made one mistake - to decide having a baby with an addict.

But you have an opportunity to put that right, to get out now while you still have time to sort out somewhere to live before your baby is born.

Please don't make the second and much worse mistake - to stay with the addict and ruin your baby's life and your own.

Drug addicts beg, borrow and steal from everyone around them. They have no respect for themselves or their own family because the drug controls them.

He will take any child benefits you receive to spend on drugs.

He will take any presents your family give your baby to sell and spend on drugs.

He will lose his job and commit crimes for drug money.

You will be frightened at every knock on the door in case it's a dealer come to threaten you and your baby for money.

You will end up taking your baby to visit his father in prison, where he will look terrible because he's been beaten up by the dealers inside.

You can, you must save yourself and your child by leaving now.

Sallyingforth · 26/05/2014 12:21

And just to add that if your really love this man and want to save him, the shock of you leaving might just be strong enough to pull him out of the drug cycle. In which case you will have done him a favour.

Bluestocking · 26/05/2014 12:23

According to OP's original thread in November, she already has a DC. I wonder if this child lives with her and the cokehead? That would be another very good reason to leave.

HauntedNoddyCar · 26/05/2014 12:27

Friend's gc once told her he'd got into trouble at home for knocking over 'Daddy's little parcels of white powder'

That's not what you want is it?

ScrambledSmegs · 26/05/2014 12:37

Yes, you need to leave ASAP. And, I know that someone up thread will probably have said this already, but it would be best to tell your midwife about his addiction (and health visitor when the baby is here).

A drug addict is not a safe person to be in sole charge of a baby or child and that needs to be addressed.

So sorry you're going through this, but I'm sure you have the strength to protect your baby

BolshierAyraStark · 26/05/2014 13:11

What an awful situation which is unfortunately your own making, why the fuck you'd conceive with him when all you had were empty promises is plain stupid.

Start using the brains you were blessed with & leave the junkie, it's no envionment to bring a baby into & I pity the child you already have if previous posters are correct.

TucsonGirl · 26/05/2014 14:26

Why would you choose to take a "baby journey" with a cokehead?

PuggyMum · 26/05/2014 14:46

A 40 year old lawyer with a baby due any day and takes cocaine.

I fail to understand how anyone can spectacularly miss the 'buzz' that is already going on in their life and chase an artificial high.

Your partner is displaying the signs of a drug user - calling you irrational when it is he that will be paranoid and on the inevitable come down after the 'high'.

He is bringing this life to your front door and how much he owes etc may just be speculation, it'll be well known he's on the Colombian marching powder and you're with him by association.

I have 2 friends I can compare to.

My best friend lives in London. Her and her dh partied hard. But the minute they got married and started ttc they've gone all evangelical about organic and look back on their hazy days with mixed emotions.

Another friend is in a similar situation to you. Has never done drugs but her 40 something partner sits at home and does it. Then accuses her of all sorts. He also deals and is well known that he deals. She turns a blind eye because 'she loves him'. She knows I think he's a knob but I can't make her leave.

Take away any dangers of owing dealers money, losing jobs etc. It's pathetic. Is that what you want for you and your kids?

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/05/2014 14:55

Listen to what others have said to you.

He will not change, he has had 38 weeks to change but he hasn't.

You could go into labour at any time, you do not need this right now.

He is an addict, he will lie, beg, borrow and steal to get his supply because at the moment the only thing that he cares about is the coke.

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