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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be cross with my 6yrold ds for biting at school

115 replies

Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:00

Ok.... I know I will upset lots of you and me myself would be mortified if my 6yr old had been bitten at school.
But.... Ds at school and had 5 boys all over him squashing him and hurting his back and knee. So he screamed at them to get off and they didn't/wouldn't so he bit one. He was the one to then be in trouble because he had bitten!
So what would be a way of teaching him to get these boys off him?
This is very out of character for him at school- happy bubbly etc but now tonight been so upset and stressed about it all.
What would you do? I feel he has just used self defence as the boys were not listening but what would you say? I obviously do not promote biting but feel so sad he felt so helpless he could do nothing.

OP posts:
JimBobplusasprog · 23/05/2014 22:04

Yanbu. My 6yo might bite if scared and overwhelmed. How is school tackling situation that allowed the five other kids to climb on your son?

mygrandchildrenrock · 23/05/2014 22:04

Perhaps tell him to shout and scream really loudly so the teacher can here and come and sort it out.

mygrandchildrenrock · 23/05/2014 22:05

oops - hear!

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2014 22:08

When you say he was the one to be in trouble, are you sure the others weren't in trouble too?

If they weren't, you need to go back and speak to the teacher or the Head.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/05/2014 22:09

YANBU poor little thing Hmm

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:10

It was at lunch so dinner ladies. Teacher said was not like him, I said well if boys are on top and he can't escape then he will do something/anything. She said head dinner lady dealt with. Unfortunately it's half term now but head dinner lady made him stand out and apologise. Yet nothing for the others. He's been in floods of tears. As he's been the one in trouble. I'm so cross.

OP posts:
Montegomongoose · 23/05/2014 22:12

Not at all, sounds like he's had a horrible time. I'd concentrate on helping him process it by Monday. Lots of cuddles and chats by the sound of it.

I trust the other boys were spoken to?

Montegomongoose · 23/05/2014 22:13

Oops! Half term. Then a lovely week and hopefully it will sting less when he goes home.

Sounds appallingly handled.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/05/2014 22:15

YABU - Biting is dangerous and not acceptable. If you said pushed or even hit them off when being attacked I'd have agreed with you but not biting. YANBU that the other children should have been in trouble too if they were ganging up on your son physically though.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2014 22:16

I would take it up with the teacher or deputy head as it happened at lunch. acknowledge that you know biting is wrong but that you are concerned as they were not protecting him from harm and the child resorted to the only means he had available at the time to protect himself. what are they going to do to prevent it happening again.

sunshinecity17 · 23/05/2014 22:18

It sounds like a scrum type game and biting is horrid,

WorraLiberty · 23/05/2014 22:18

See it's a tough one really.

There could have been two reasons for the dinner lady's reaction.

  1. She could see that your DS wasn't actually trapped but he lost his temper during the game (some rough and tumble games go from good natured to anger in a matter of seconds).

  2. Your DS's version of events could be absolutely true and she may be a really shit supervisor.

I would still try to get to the bottom of it after half term if you can.

WitchWay · 23/05/2014 22:19

Biting is useful in these situations - can't think what else he could have done. Shame he's been the one to get into trouble Sad

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:19

Yes I did say to his teacher biting is completely unacceptable but what was he meant to do? Kicking, hitting yes but with 5 of them on him. Not sure was poss.

OP posts:
Fortysomethingwinelover · 23/05/2014 22:32

Biting is just not on. It's horrible and how anyone can say it's acceptable is beyond my comprehension. Biting as self defence? Really? Your DS is 6 years old. He should know biting is NOT acceptable. Have you got the full picture on this? All is not as children say sometimes.

Schwarzeneggersgirl · 23/05/2014 22:33

I had very similar experience with ds. After him getting in trouble for retaliating several times (other boys quickly realised they were immune. They just had to goad and hit him and then go and tell a teacher if he hit back.) The teaching staff were of no help. His teacher told him to not hit back but to come to tell her if he was hit or there was any problems.

The first time this happened she turned on him and told him to stop telling lies.

I ended up removing him from the school.

The next school he went to was so different.

Loverofpeas · 23/05/2014 22:41

I would probably email the teacher and ask what is happening with the boys that were piling on to DS against his will

catkind · 23/05/2014 22:47

People expect small children to put up with a helluva lot. I'm imagining if five people my size were piling on me trying to hurt me, I'd tried pushing them off and couldn't, I'd tried screaming and no-one came to help. Reckon I'd bite if I could. Five people your own size could do a real injury.

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:49

Forty something I know biting is unacceptable so what would you teach your child as self defence in this instance??
I said to him to tell them- he did
I said to him he should push them - he did
I said to him to kick them off - he did
So would you rather he lay there on playground floor getting hurt by the other boys as he had no means of self defence??

OP posts:
littleducks · 23/05/2014 22:50

DS was bitten at school this year, also year 1. He hasn't forgiven the other child, really holds the grudge. The other child missed out on a sports day type event. I think they have to take biting more seriously than other aggressive acts.

That said both my children describe at the lunch time supervisors are rubbish. They say they 'are just mums not proper teachers' and always say 'just go and pay nicely' if something happens which means it escalates and then they don't know who started it or what happened.

RachelWatts · 23/05/2014 22:54

As Catkins already said, if I was being attacked by 5 people and had no other way of fighting them off, I'd bite too...

littleducks · 23/05/2014 22:54

It will change as he gets older but in infants I tell my ds to shout things like 'stop I don't like it' to attract adult attention and not to retaliate (even in self defence).

He does a martial arts class which helps as it teaches you how not to get into a compromised position. I watch the class and have learnt a bit!

Billygoats · 23/05/2014 22:55

Agree with catkind, YANBU OP in my opinion.

It's not a nice thing to bite but as self defence as he felt out of his depth to get the boys off I think he did exactly what I would do. Hitting probably did nothing as the boys were obviously already being rough.

NearTheWindymill · 23/05/2014 22:55

I'd want to know where the supervision, the dinner lady, was when five boys were laying into your child. I'd be asking how this sort of thing is prevented from escalating when the childre are infants? I'd want to know why the dinner lady was allowed to mete out a punishment without reference to a professional qualified and trained teacher or member of the management team. I'd want to know why the dinner lady had the power to be the arbiter in a matter of 5 on 1.

None of that, btw, excused biting. I would really want to know though how five piled onto to one for long enough for it to end up like that without any earlier intervention.

LUKYMUM · 23/05/2014 22:56

As someone with a son who gets hit and pushed often by different children because he is too nice. I would say yanbu. Kids need to learn to stick up for themselves. It's not as if he is regularly violent and he bites out of frustration.
Speak to the dinner ladies and ask them to speak to the boys. They might own up. My son refuses to retaliate because he can't bear to be bad, but if he did I would actually hug him. There are a few bullies in every play ground.

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