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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be cross with my 6yrold ds for biting at school

115 replies

Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:00

Ok.... I know I will upset lots of you and me myself would be mortified if my 6yr old had been bitten at school.
But.... Ds at school and had 5 boys all over him squashing him and hurting his back and knee. So he screamed at them to get off and they didn't/wouldn't so he bit one. He was the one to then be in trouble because he had bitten!
So what would be a way of teaching him to get these boys off him?
This is very out of character for him at school- happy bubbly etc but now tonight been so upset and stressed about it all.
What would you do? I feel he has just used self defence as the boys were not listening but what would you say? I obviously do not promote biting but feel so sad he felt so helpless he could do nothing.

OP posts:
Thomyorke · 24/05/2014 07:46

This happened to my DS he bit out, it is actually a very basic instinct. I was spoken to by his teacher she was supportive and discussed with him not to bite. The other boys where banned from contact games for the rest of the school year. They where not bullies but where rough they where told never to put anyone into a vulnerable position.

rumbleinthrjungle · 24/05/2014 08:15

I would never try to teach a child to remember to behave nicely while being abused and then go and tell an adult when the abuser has finished - a six year old is going to hit survival mode and act on instinct and should do. I'd have been telling the bitten child if you get too rough and hurt or upset people they're going to defend themselves and you shouldn't any of you be playing like that at school. (And I'm a teacher) It's not like your ds is going around biting randomly or as his first response if someone annoys him!

I would tell your ds that while biting isn't nice, you and his df understand why it happened, and that is what matters. And then I'd email his class teacher. Often lunchtime supervisors don't handle incidents as the school staff would like them handled, and this kind of play shouldn't be happening at all on their watch. It's never going to end well when small boys get into dog piling on each other.

While it hasn't earned him a gold star for behaviour, emotionally it is much better for a child (or anyone) to have defended themselves and acted when being harassed or assaulted than to have ended up a passive victim of it. That is what does the big emotional damage.

FamiliesShareGerms · 24/05/2014 08:17

I'd be concerned, too, about teaching children that they should just lie there and take abuse rather than defending themselves

intheenddotcom · 24/05/2014 09:09

Biting is NEVER acceptable - it is vile, unhygienic and dangerous (I ended up with a very bad infection after being bitten at school).

Assuming it happened as your DS said I would have said pushing, hitting and kicking acceptable if he was really trapped, but not biting.

Are you sure it wasn't a game that got out of hand rather quickly?

intheenddotcom · 24/05/2014 09:13

There is a difference between an adult who is being raped or assaulted and who needs to do whatever possible to get the attacker off them, and a child who has other children on top of them during a game, who will not have the intention of causing harm.

I was taught at school not to hit back but to remove myself from the situation and tell. That did not stop me defending myself as an adult. There is a huge difference.

Neverknowingly · 24/05/2014 09:17

With 5 boy sitting on you I would imagine DS could not get his arm's and legs free enough to make any difference with kicking and pushing. OP has said he tried all that and it did not work.

There is no point suggesting things that did not work. When all else has failed what on earth was DS supposed to do in that position?

mygrandchildrenrock · 24/05/2014 09:24

Shout and scream loudly enough for a grown up to hear.

Hakluyt · 24/05/2014 09:32

It depends. Were 5 boys attacking him, or was it a "bundle"?

Fellow boy owners will know the difference. If it was a bundle- and your ds's happened to be at the bottom, then biting was absolutely out of order. If he was set on and attacked and brought down by 5 other boys, then possibly not.

DogCalledRudis · 24/05/2014 09:32

YANBU.
It s very right to defend oneself when attacked. (Did somebody say that was unhygienic? Wow)
Of course, school has its own rules and policies (which are usually against any self defence). Accept whatever discipline the school has to dish out, but no more. Tell him to do that again next time it happens.

FunkyBoldRibena · 24/05/2014 09:34

Yeah, let's five of us come and sit on those that are saying it is unacceptable and see how much you can push, kick or shout to get attention in a noisy playground.

In a situation like that, it may be only your jaw that can move.

intheenddotcom · 24/05/2014 09:35

There is a difference between an attack and a bundle game - as anyone with young boys will know.

It is not acceptable to bite during a game just because you get carried away or end up on the bottom of the bundle.

There is a HUGE difference between self-defense when being attacked and biting during a game.

NewNameForSpring · 24/05/2014 09:40

If your son had five boys on top of him I imagine his mouth was his only way of defence he had left. Poor child.

I hope this thread has given your more encouragement to get this sorted out after half term.

In the meantime I hope you let your son know that you believe him and he was not in the wrong, the other boys were and that you are going to speak to school. I think it is so important that he knows you are going to stick up for him. Especially after that crap dinner lady's actions. What a cow.

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/05/2014 09:43

inthe

As adults we can see a difference. Doubt a small child can though.

Neverknowingly · 24/05/2014 09:45

"Shout and scream loudly enough for a grown up to hear"

Great if that worked - I rather assumed that DS had tried that since he tried kicking and shoving etc. I doubt he did all that silently. How much breath do you think he had left? And unless your children go to one of those Stepford schools why would one child's shouts be heard above all of the others.

It makes me panicky to think about it to be honest. If it was a bundle game then it sounds like it got out of hand and DS should be encouraged not to participate again.

Hakluyt · 24/05/2014 09:48

"As adults we can see a difference. Doubt a small child can though."

It's the other way round- kids can tell the difference, adults can't.

Hakluyt · 24/05/2014 09:56

OP- if I were you, I would ask your ds a bit more about what happened. Ask him what they were all doing when it started. Ask who was involved- are the others his friends? Do it now, thought, before he forgets the details.

If it really was 5 boys setting on him, knocking him over then sitting on him, then go into school all guns blazing. But unless there are particular problems at the school, I will put money on it being a bundle gone wrong - and that the day- or even the minute- before, your ds was one of the 5 on top. In which case, he shouldn't have bitten. Understandable, if he was panicked- but he still shouldn't have done it. So probably best to just move on

IdkickJilliansAss · 24/05/2014 10:10

If one of my DC's got bitten by a child they were lying on i'd say it served them right!

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2014 10:15

intheenddotcom

There shouldn't be bundle games in the playground.

I'd be asking if there were enough dinnerladies to be monitoring lunchtime for a start.

Biting is NEVER acceptable

In an ideal world, no. But a small child panicking? Not so easy to legislate for.

Hakluyt · 24/05/2014 10:19

"If one of my DC's got bitten by a child they were lying on i'd say it served them right!"

Even if your child had been the one underneath 5 minutes earlier?

DurhamDurham · 24/05/2014 10:20

My dd was bitten at school when she was 5, she had broken skin and a bruise that took weeks to heal.She was so upset and visibly shaking when I picked her up. This was years ago and she still remembers it.
I think your little boy panicked and bit out of fear/ frustration but it is an awful thing to do. He needs to know this as you would not want him to think it is ok to bite someone every time they fall out or have a row.

IdkickJilliansAss · 24/05/2014 10:24

Yes because they obviously got out unscathed, i'd expect them to get off when screamed at to do so

Bettercallsaul1 · 24/05/2014 10:27

Biting is usually a complete no-no, not just because extremely painful, with the risk of spreading infection, but also because it's feral and "uncivilized" - the opposite of what we want to teach our children. However, in extremis, where someone genuinely fears for their safety - possibly the OP's son felt he couldn't breathe - it is an understandable and excusable defence mechanism.

If this was a game, and not bullying, this is the reason this kind of game should be banned - it leads to panic and extreme behaviour.

MrsRuffdiamond · 24/05/2014 10:27

It is not acceptable to bite during a game just because you get carried away or end up on the bottom of the bundle.

Not if you get carried away, obviously not, but if you are a six yr old 'on the bottom of the bundle' with five other 6yr olds on top of you, and you are panicking because you are having the life squashed out of you, and can't breathe.....? I think in such an instance you would do what you have to do to protect yourself and get out from under.

Topaz25 · 24/05/2014 10:37

Some posters should try to imagine themselves in the place of a small child, trapped under several other children and struggling to breath. Yes biting is bad but he screamed for them to stop and they wouldn't, maybe he couldn't move to push them off, I can see why he panicked. Whether this is bullying or a game that got out of hand, it's really the fault of the supervisor for allowing it to happen. I would talk to the school to address the lack of supervision and the lack of consequences for the other children. Even if it was an accident, the other boys need to be made aware not to play too rough and to stop the game instantly if someone says stop.

magoria · 24/05/2014 11:10

Biting is an acceptable means of defense and protecting against attack.

If I was set on, in pain and screaming I hope I would not hesitate to do so to protect myself. It being unhygienic and uncivilized? Sod that if I am defending myself.

If it was a game gone wrong then they all need to be sat down and told to listen to each other and know when to stop. As kids this may take time for them to learn limits but people screaming is normally a good indicator.