To not be cross with my 6yrold ds for biting at school

[Takesalongtime]

Ok.... I know I will upset lots of you and me myself would be mortified if my 6yr old had been bitten at school.
But.... Ds at school and had 5 boys all over him squashing him and hurting his back and knee. So he screamed at them to get off and they didn't/wouldn't so he bit one. He was the one to then be in trouble because he had bitten!
So what would be a way of teaching him to get these boys off him?
This is very out of character for him at school- happy bubbly etc but now tonight been so upset and stressed about it all.
What would you do? I feel he has just used self defence as the boys were not listening but what would you say? I obviously do not promote biting but feel so sad he felt so helpless he could do nothing.

YANBU, I would not be annoyed if one of my dc had done the same...depending on the circumstances

However

The ratio in our infant school in one supervisor per class of 30, at any one time there could be one supervisor to 30/40/50/60 children in the playground. It is impossible to see everything happening at once

Rough play is not allowed but it does not matter how many times they are told this there will always be games that get out of hand

Shrug. It worked when other options hadn't.

I wouldn't be telling my DS off and if he was the bittee in the situation as described I would tell him to such it up and not sit on people.

So basically,anything goes? A fame gets a bit rough,you don't like it- do whatever you want? Bend back a finger til it breaks?

Or ds lie there till they break his back???

I bit someone last year. I'm 25. Walking home a man attempted to attack me. I bit his face (was the only part of him I could reach). I've got to say that although the situations are entirely different I actually truly didn't at any point think "Oooh I know what I'm going to do, I'll bite him", I also didn't for one second think about how hygienic it was or wasn't.

It could be possible that the OPs son was feeling very claustrophobic and scared and went with his gut.

OP I don't think I would punish him either but I would sit down for a serious chat about how to handle certain situations.

I have sympathy OP.

As Notoriously says, biting's pretty primal

Hope you can sort this at school

To all the people saying it was just a bundle etc etc the bundling at the school I used to teach at got so bad at lunchtimes that one boy got his leg broken so badly that he had to have steel plates inserted and was off school for 4 months. OP I think yanbu and your son did what he had to do in the situation.

If I were being hit and kicked by a group of people I'd bite them, and I also think people wouldn't blame me. He sounded scared and trapped, I feel very sorry for him. Of course biting isn't okay, but this isn't a situation of a child just turning around and biting someone.

Me? I'd go with the answer of we don't bite but what happened to you was exceptional. Mummy will make sure with your teachers it will never happen again.

Then take him out for massive treats. Sometimes I just think you have to roll with it a little. He knows it was bad but he seriously panicked and that IMO isn't wrong at his age.

I'd be causing a shit storm of emails. Head dinner lady, ht, form teacher, governors. Badly handled.

If your son doesn't usually bite, I would actually view this occasion as a sign of distress and desperation. I'd be very upset, too. My gut feeling is that the boys bundling him weren't being watched by staff. They're young enough to have thought that joining in looked fun and didn't realise the panic and load your son was experiencing. He would have bitten out of the sheer panic of having to escape.
It's all very easy for the staff to step in too late and scapegoat the child who responded. You must be furious that they're not apologising for not having noticed what was going on until it was too late. Since you weren't there, you can't prove it. The staff want to cover themselves in relation to the aren't of the boy who was bitten. They'll have to write it up. My gut feeling is the result of 19 years of teaching primary school aged children.
I hope he's okay.

So basically,anything goes? A fame gets a bit rough,you don't like it- do whatever you want? Bend back a finger til it breaks.

Well no actually. Having five other children on top of him to the point it seriously hurt means the little boy didn't have any hands free, I think that is pretty obvious.

And what is all the upset about biting? I presume he didn't break the skin.

If they were sitting on his back to the point where it was hurting him, I doubt he could get enough breath into him to shout really loudly, and tbh, if there were 5 boys on top of him at any point, then there really wasn't going to be a supervising adult within hearing distance, was there.

OP, YANBU - DS1 is also 6, he knows not to bite but I believe in those circumstances he probably would as well, and while I wouldn't condone it, I wouldn't be telling him off any further either.

I do wonder WTAF the dinner lady was thinking, though, deciding that in a 5 on 1 situation, the 1 was the boy who had to apologise! Talk about victim blaming. :(

TVSeems - it's probably highly inappropriate, but I did snort a little at your cousin - the trainer's face would indeed have been interesting to see!

I was a dinner lady for 6 years -and left 3 years ago...... 4 staff for 405 pupils - to cover hall and playground with rolling lunchtime since the hall only sat 180.

Was not much fun.....

"the dinner lady was not paying attention"..... really..... perhaps she was cleaning up sick, wiping poop from a child's leg, finding clean pants and socks for a child who had an accident, running after a child who was hitting someone with a stick or trying to spit stones onto the roof (yep!) comforting a child who had fallen, giving first aid, finding lunch for someone who spilled theirs on the floor, keeping an eye on the young bloke lingering by the playground fence, listening to grievances (Y5 girls in particular).. sorting out "I don't want to be your friend any more" from reception kids... listening to someone talk about their dead mum/cat/goldfish

if she did not see it - then ... she may just have been busy doing something else and nobody else saw it either - even kids would come and find an adult if they saw 5 kids piling into one, or it has been exaggerated to justify biting - this happened all the time by the way ("I bit him because he thumped me"... when.... "just now" - I was watching - "he didn't thump me, he said xyz...")

But since you will have to wait until after the holiday to speak to the head etc about it, please write everything down before it gets forgotten, and remember to take photos of any bruising before it fades.

I think I would write a letter or e-mail, in conjunction with DS now, while it's fresh in his mind so that the ball is in their court as soon as school starts again.

In fact, I'd definitely write the letter as inboxes over the space if a week might get so full that your e-mail might be overlooked.

When I was seven, there was a 'bundle' in the playground.

One child (they were about five and four I think? Possibly a bit older, but younger than me) broke a his arm and a small bone in his neck.

If I was under five people my age, I would bite if I couldn't kick, push and scream my way out of it. Having been attacked by a group of four people, it is instinct, it's not calculated and when you're panicking, you aren't really thinking, you will be struggling and although in my case it didn't come to biting (thanks only to the shopkeeper opposite), if it had done, I wouldn't have felt a bit bad about it.

OP- have you asked your ds exactly what happened? Was it a 5 on 1 attack or a game that got too rough? Were they his friends?

I think that Biting isn't acceptable, but the bigger issue here is why he was in that situation in the first place. Incidentally I wanted to make you feel better by telling you that when I was at school a similar thing happened to me, I was pinned down and couldn't get up. I really panicked and bit the girl really hard in order to get out and there was total uproar, her parents at my house shouting at my mum I needed a psychologist, major trouble. In the end, it was found that I was telling the truth and the other kids had been really bullying. Not saying that is or isn't what will Happen here...as I guess you've got to get to the bottom of it but I want you to know while it seems a nightmare now, I can promise you it will seem very insignificant in years to come. Much love xxx

Supervision at lunchtimes is woeful in most schools. Then I have to sort out crap that happened at lunchtime because the school can't afford more supervisors to help at the time.

Everyone who has children in school should query lunchtime supervision, to heads, to governors, to LEAs etc etc. it's crap and the people in charge let it happen.

I would have loads of sympathy for an impulsive biter who had been bundled on. You're right not to be cross.

I'd guess that this hapend on Friday, last day of half-term, during wet break indoors ?
I supervise lunchtimes and can see exactly how this situation arises.

Boys are tired but excitable, there is a general air of festivity with less formal instruction and more golden time.

Pals start a fun but bouncy game, most likely a hyped-up version of a game they normally play without incident, and quickly group dynamics take over and children are splating on top of each other, without a second thought for the harm they can do en-mass or the poor children underneath.

Yes the adult must intervene instantly and put a stop to it.
Yes the adult would have to follow school protocol for the biting incident regardless of provocation.
No the adult would not be admonishing everyone provided it was a one-off, non-malicious piling-up.
A stern telling off to all and a follow through with consequence cards etc if they do it again(the piling-up), would be enough - along with standing the biter out for a bit,

For your son let him know that the incident is over and done with, that there are times when our friends get excitable and we need to remain sensible and stay out of it.

Thank you everyone- I've chatted a bit to ds today but again he's got so upset and told me he's always good at school apart from yesterday's incident. Where he couldn't help it.

Thanks to most of you for your kind words. I was most definitely not meaning to have a dig at dinner ladies but at same time I do think about what could have happened to ds if the boys had carried on and him not have bitten.

This happened in the playground and I know it's not possible to watch all children all of the time but even so I'm still very upset that he has been so traumatised by it all

TAmumof3

Good post

takesalongtime

Hope you both feel a bit better after half term, it's a horrible thing to happen...very scary for him

Yabu about biting, I find biting vicious and horrible regardless of the situation. However,ds had to have stitches in his side after another child bit him so badly so I see just how dangerous biting can be. Punch, kick to get them off, although I'd be concerned about how the dinner ladies managed to miss 5 boys on top of another.

Yanbu about him being the only one to get told off, they ALL should have been punished.

I really would be taking this up with the head though, the lack of supervision which allowed the situation to arise is shocking

OP, my ds is a gentle boy and ive told him several times its ok to do whatever necessary to defend himself and I will not give him into trouble for it. Ive told him I will speak to teachers etc whatever. Im the authority on this, not the school, you need to reassure your ds of this.
Ds got a black eye one lunch time when he was 5. His teacher didnt notice all afternoon until Iwent sstraight into school after picking him up.
Ds is nearly 10 and slightly better at sticking up for himself, but only because he knows im not afraid to go batshit at the school/anyone eho lets him down, but his nature is that of a gentle soul (not from me) so you stick up for him and be his strength in this.

Humans (older than about 3ish) hardly ever bite.

When they do it is because something is pretty extreme IME.

Either the situation or with them.

Any defense is acceptable in the situation the OP describes.