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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be cross with my 6yrold ds for biting at school

115 replies

Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:00

Ok.... I know I will upset lots of you and me myself would be mortified if my 6yr old had been bitten at school.
But.... Ds at school and had 5 boys all over him squashing him and hurting his back and knee. So he screamed at them to get off and they didn't/wouldn't so he bit one. He was the one to then be in trouble because he had bitten!
So what would be a way of teaching him to get these boys off him?
This is very out of character for him at school- happy bubbly etc but now tonight been so upset and stressed about it all.
What would you do? I feel he has just used self defence as the boys were not listening but what would you say? I obviously do not promote biting but feel so sad he felt so helpless he could do nothing.

OP posts:
cutefluffybunnes · 23/05/2014 22:56

If biting was the best method of defence in this situation, then he did the right thing. It got them off of him, so frankly it worked and that's how you judge the rightness of a self-defence technique. Biting is not worse than having a gang of five on top of you, hurting you and refusing to shift.

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 22:56

I think that was the problem originally- dinner ladies not paying attention. If they were then there wouldn't have been 5boys on top of ds in playground.
I know I have to see all sides but if he was genuinely scared then he had to have something happen then.
I just feel he is made to be the bad guy when it wasn't the case

OP posts:
MoominAndMiniMoom · 23/05/2014 22:56

If five people my own size or bigger than me piled on top of me and were hurting me, I think I'd bite to get them off.

Why are children expected to put up with things that adults aren't? Bullying is fucking vile and victims have the right to defend themselves.

tiredandsadmum · 23/05/2014 22:59

I am very sympathetic having had similar with DS. In Yr 2 so aged 6 as well. Another boy behind DS in the lining up for lunch queue put his hands over DS eyes and pulled him back hard. DS bit his hand. School had a word with me at pick up. I have supported this school all the way through but that was the day on which I absolutely supported my DS and made it clear to the school that anybody would have been likely to bite under those circumstances. Watching DS being lectured was just dreadful. The other boy was and still is the class bully. Wish my DS had bitten harder.

cutefluffybunnes · 23/05/2014 22:59

YANBU about the blame, by the way. Talk to the school after half term.

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 23:00

Yes which is why my blood is boiling. Now poor ds is so distressed about it all as he is usually so good at school that he's not sleeping properly :( makes me so cross.

OP posts:
Tvseemstobemyhobby · 23/05/2014 23:01

When I read stuff like this I think of my cousin. She was a bit of a biter when we were little, not a frequent random biter but that was her last stage of defence.

She's a criminal lawyer and had to go through some personal safety training (for when she was the on duty solicitor at the police station - in a cell with a prisoner could be dangerous). She was put through her paces with a trainer who taught her arm grips, pressure points blah blah blah. At the end of the day he said "right we're doing it for real now I'm going to come at you and you have to defend yourself as I've shown you" well he went towards her his arm up and all the training went out of her head and without realising what she was doing sunk her teeth into his arm. I would loved to have seen his face, must have been a bloody picture.

I guess basic instinct can take over.

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 23/05/2014 23:02

Thanks to most of you for making me feel like ainbu. Just wish it was school again tomorrow so could deal with it all then

OP posts:
whethergirl · 23/05/2014 23:04

YANBU it's sounds like it is out of character for him, and he is obviously distressed by the incident. He knows that biting, in general is wrong. So, I would say this would not be the time to be cross with him. He is upset for two reasons, being ambushed by a group of boys, and for getting in trouble at school. I think he's been through enough, he just needs some tlc now.

littleducks · 23/05/2014 23:05

I'm not sure I agree about the bullies in every playground bit. There are incidents in my kids infant school playground and children who have a reputation for being 'naughty' along the other kids but none who you would say were bullies.

GnomeDePlume · 23/05/2014 23:07

Five on one? In that situation your DS was absolutely right to bite. What else was he expected to do? Lie down and have the breath squeezed out of him? Cobblers!

Hopefully the one who got bitten will think twice next time (being bitten does really hurt). The others may not fancy their chances so well next time.

NearTheWindymill · 23/05/2014 23:08

Do you know what OP. Love him, hug him, give him a wonderful half term and let him forget all about it because his mum loves him and forgives him. After half term, ask for an appointment with the head to find out why there wasn't adequate supervision in the playground.

MexicanSpringtime · 23/05/2014 23:09

Yeap, there is no reason to call the kids bullies, it sounds more like a game that got out of hand. But I can't see what else your son could have done other than biting.

Ewieindwie1 · 23/05/2014 23:16

If 5 people were on me I wouldn't just bite, I'd go mad! I really sympathise OP. you DS has only defended himself. Agree biting without any provocation is vile but this was very different. I would be very upset by it and thank goodness it is half term. Go into school when you can and be calm but ask what they might have done in that situation....

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/05/2014 23:46

Well given the circumstances...no I don't yabu.

Chippednailvarnish · 24/05/2014 00:24

You're assuming your son is 100% accurate in his recall of events. It might be a case that he has bitten out of anger rather that self defence.

WilsonFrickett · 24/05/2014 00:38

Adults freak out about biting. It's seen as so much worse than punching, poking, kicking and piling on. I'm not actually convinced it is worse though - although I have of course taught my DS not to tie before I get flamed.

But you know, wtf could your DS have done? This is a failure in supervison IMHO.

PrincessBabyCat · 24/05/2014 03:16

If he normally doesn't have problems with other children picking on him, it was a game that got out of hand. There obviously needs to be better supervision on the playground during break so that these sort of things don't happen again.

That said, I'd talk to the supervisor to see what's going on and insist that there's better supervision so that this doesn't happen again. You can't ask a child to make an adult assessment of a situation and decide that they're not really in danger enough to warrant biting.

If he felt threatened enough to bite, then he felt threatened enough to bite. End of. No point in lecturing him. I'd tell him he did the right thing for these circumstances, but he had better not be biting unless he's tried everything else first.

My rule growing up was that I could finish a fight, but I sure as hell had better not start it.

I'd also make sure that these boys aren't bullying him, and if they are that the school cracks down on it. Fighting them won't solve anything, it'll just up the stakes.

Personal note, if I was being ganged up on like that, I'd bite too. Maybe he'll get a cool nickname... like Chompy. :)

ToffeeMoon · 24/05/2014 03:30

Biting is completely unacceptable.

Clearly they are not being properly supervised. This would worry me hugely (helicopter parent that I am). That's what you need to focus on.

Are these boys usually his friends? Or was it a random attack?

It sounds to me like there was no malicious intent, but a very stupid, dangerous game and he was on the wrong end of it. Perhaps two minutes later someone else would have been on the squashed end with your son on top.

Shouting very loudly and telling an adult is what I teach my son.

LibraryMum8 · 24/05/2014 03:37

YANBU. This happened to ds too and he was also 6! His was one on one but ds was tiny and this boy could have made two boys. We obviously told ds never to bite anyone again but didn't give him Amy reprimand than that.

The mother did call me to 'inform' me of it and when I hold het het 100 lb. six year old sat on my 40 lb. ds, all of a sudden she 'had to go'. Cow. Felt like biting her myself.

LibraryMum8 · 24/05/2014 03:51

Oh please you that say he could do something else. Five on one? You have got to be kidding. Of course biting is unacceptable but when you are held down with only your head Out and no one is hearing your call for help you do what you have to. Clearly this wasn't biting out of frustration. Like I said, mine was one on one but this huge boy had ds covered with only his head out and no one around to hear him.

I always think these posters are ones that have the children that get bit for doing this to another child.

Tealady1983 · 24/05/2014 04:56

Bless him. I would have bitten my way out too it's scary being trapped at the bottom of all those people. Tell him he did the right thing If he felt so scared.

Morloth · 24/05/2014 05:42

I would tell him that sometimes you do what you have to.

In a similar situation i would absolutely bite. Biting, going for eyes/grown and REALLY trying to hurt someone is absolutely fine in the situation you describe.

He should be put in the position where he has to defend himself.

NickiFury · 24/05/2014 05:43

I can't imagine that with five children sat on him he would be able to find the breath to shout loudly for a teacher as suggested on here. Also have any of you actually been in a playground at break time when pretty much every child is having a good shout and run about?

I imagine he panicked and did what he could to get out. I would have done the same.

Out of interest posters who say it's completely unacceptable, would you NOT bite if five adults were sitting or sprawled all over YOU?

OP I would be straight into school meeting with HT after half term.

Original poster
Takesalongtime · 24/05/2014 06:29

Thanks guys! Yes def a meeting after half term to ensure there is better supervision and I will be putting the point across that what else was he to do when all else fails and see what their answer is

OP posts:
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