To be irritated about mil wanting full details of holiday

[SarcyMare]

My MIL has always required that we contact her to let her know when we get to the end of any long journey, this has always irritated me.

But now we are going on a RV holiday in america touring around, and she wants a detailed itinerary of our route, i find this really really intrusive and annoying.

Can't see a problem at all with this to be honest

I am with the op on this and we aren't doing anything nearly as adventurous!!

And yes. They might decide to turn up. Or tell us they will and then not bother.
But mostly because MIL won't tell us anything about their plans....

If someone important dies (eg parent or sibling) please tell the relative, even if they are on holiday
It is beyond awful to find out later and know everyone knew for weeks apart from you. I will never ever ever ever ever ever forgive my parents or understand their, imo frankly weird, decision. It also leaves me with anxiety about health of family members as they could be dead for months before i am told about it. No holiday since has been relaxing!!

Rant over

Back to op
Easy solution. Just say 'oh yes. Just ask dh' and repeat as required. Bet dh doesnt do it. Or at least it is not your concern.

I think it's the sort of thing that can come across as an adult checking up on kids.

They have a "right" to know as they are the parent.

Or want to know everything that you do but never tell you a thing.

I think it depends on MILs motivation & the relationship of course can determine how it's percieved.

I agree with leaving it to husband.

The thing is to those saying 'Ah, poor woman is anxious, help her out a bit OP' is that people who are anxious do not necessarily have their anxiety reduced by being pandered to.

The fact is that it is wrong to be anxious to this level and I would frankly let her get on with it.

YANBU

alibaba yes I would far rather get on with my holiday than have it ruined by bad news. I honestly don't know why this is weird. I do not have the power to bring anyone back to life using telepathic power so what would be the point?

There is no way I would call my DC to tell them something like that when they are abroad.

HC "Hi son, sorry to tell you granny is ill/dying/dead"
DS "Thanks for ruining my holiday mum."

Unless it is my DC, nobody else is that important to me that I would cut a holiday short. That is the honest truth.

Will you have wifi? Couldn't you email her every few days with a few photos?
My dad loves getting pics when we're on hols & it's hardly time consuming.

Well I think YABU.

The older people get the harder they find this stuff.

If it makes her feel better why not. It's no skin off your nose,

This would be horrific! To be driving along tired at the end of the day, with perhaps several little events having changed the course of the journey, to find your DP retreating into his own little world to answer 'RU THERE YET?' 'WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?' 'HAVE YOU HAD YOUR TEA?' 'IS IT A NICE HOTEL?' and, you may be sure: 'THE DOG HAD HER GLANDS SQUEEZED TODAY', 'DAD CALLED ROUND TO YOUR'S, HE FOUND A LOOSE WINDOW LATCH', 'WHAT ARE YOU HAVIN THEN, WE'RE HAVING CURRY'.

I think you will have to take someone's suggestion that you simply refer the matter to your DP. If he goes to the bother, good for him, otherwise, you're winging it, want to see where the wind will blow you, hoping to have a complete change, promise to text once a day to let her know you're all alive.

Don't understand why it's such an issue for you to let her know where you'll be and when. Sounds like you've taken umbrage as a point of principle.....has it occurred to you that maybe she worries and it makes her feel a bit better to know that she can track you down if there's an emergency?

I am amazed that this is still rumbling on and that people have the energy to take umbrage about such trivial things.

YAnBU - my mil was the same. She made out it was an anxiety thing, I think it was more an intrusive control thing. She doesn't like it if she is not micro managing her sons life. I couldn't give a flying fuck if people think I am being petty, they haven't met the nutter!

Note the 'was' - we had a big fall out and I finally worked up the courage to tell her to back off. Dh did too. It was sary, but I must say life is much easier now.

I was on holiday once and was told my grandma had died. Mum and Dad contacted me via mobile phone and said that Grandma wouldn't want me to be upset and ruin my holiday by coming home for the funeral. I do get a bit sad that I wasn't there to say goodbye but I always have my cherished memories of her. My folks only knew the country I was in but still managed to get this important news to me. I also travelled after uni and would e-mail home about once a week to let them know I was OK.

I'd be very surprised if most people travelled without some form of mobile or blackberry so the MIL would still be able to contact them without having to know exactly where they are. Give her mobile details, e-mail addresses passport numbers, insurance details etc etc basically the important travel details. That's all she needs to know to handle any bad news from her end. If something awful was to happen to you in another country then the FO would contact her. The OP has already said it's part of a control thing and I too would be slightly narked by her needing the exact travel plans

The problem is far more than the triviality of travel arrangements- they need to sort the relationship problem.

What harm will it do to let her know op? What skin is off your nose.

When me or sister go on a travelling holiday we always give each other and mom a little itinerary. Not because she's "intrusive and annoying" but because she likes to look at it and think "ah this morning Bit will be in Rome..." and sort of picture where we are and what we are doing.

I think refusing to give it or doing some of the "clever" responses suggested here is just mean. Got something that will be no bother to you and make someone else happy. Why wouldn't you do that? T

This is your dh's mother you know. Just try and put yourself in your shoes. Or imagine his you will feel if your dc marries someone ehi gets annoyed at every simple request you make. Sheesh.

As for texting to say you are there safe. Again, how hard can that be to put someone's mind at rest. Be nice. It's not hard.

I think YABU tbh. If you have details of your trip, what harm is there in sharing them? If some parts are going to be more spontaneous, then don't.

My family all text my mum to let her know we've arrived at the end of a long journey or flight and she does the same. I'd also leave her details of my accommodation and travel arrangements. What's the problem? She doesn't do anything with them but could get hold of me in an emergency.

DH is useless and barely remembers to tell MiL we're going away. However that's another story!

Sorry about all the typos. On phone, no glasses and CBA to proof read

ladymariner you are way out of order attacking my son/any mumsnetters child when you know nothing of our family situation.

You need to take a step back.

And maybe register the fact that my mumsnet nickname is a Stately Home?

Even if someone is upset that a relative has died, why ruin their holiday as well? That is my point. I can understand posters who were living abroad/taking extended holidays where they might need to change plans to attend a funeral, but if you are away for a week or so, what good can come of it?

My not at all DM once called me on holiday on my birthday to give me some really bad family news, not a death, and she absolutely did it deliberately to ruin my day. It easily could have waited for my return.

Does no one else remember the messages you'd sometimes hear on the radio in pre-mobile days along the lines of "if anyone sees a blue fiesta with registration ABC XYZ thought to be travelling from Manchester to Cornwall, please ask them to contact the police/X hospital urgently". Even as a child, I felt a shiver hearing that as you knew it wouldn't be good news. I have always been grateful for mobiles and giving close family members a vague itinerary. They also have photocopies of passport & insurance.
And yes, I would definitely want to be contacted if a relative was seriously ill or dying so I ciuld change plans if need be.

I exchange detailed itineraries with my family. I don't find it a burden. On a complicated holiday like OP's it can be useful to be able to think "the tourist car jacking in Memphis isn't them, they left 4 days ago" or whatever.

I think it makes sense to decide a plan about when you might contact each other with any bad news, especially if some is anticipated. Some people would want to know, others wouldn't, either is fine.

Well that's a first, I've never had a post deleted before!

So, hampton I've clearly upset you, and for that I apologise, my comment was to highlight the difference in the way you and I look at this particular situation, absolutely not to attack your ds! Your family circumstances are obviously very different to mine, I certainly didn't make the connection about Stately Homes, so it's probably impossible for us ever to agree on this particular thread....at the end of the day, we don't know each other so does it really matter? Again, apologies for any upset caused

My mum has my mobile number and does use it if really urgent. That's all I need if I go travelling as I know she can contact me if truly essential. And I never switch my phone off, have it on silent most of the time, but it tells me if I've any missed calls. And I only ever contact family numbers unless a message has been left. This approach has covered all family emergencies so far.

I fall into the manipulative/controlling camp.
This is the sort of thing that my MiL does. We simply ignore the request. Unless you have lived with an emotionally manipulative in-law it is very easy to say, oh she is just a worrier, be nice, give her the details etc.
In my case, it is a control thing. We also used to have to phone every night, not just to say we were ok, but for a chat. I can honestly say that for the last 20 years it has felt like there is three of us in our marriage.
Now I have just about reached a point where I tell my husband that she is his problem not mine - I refuse to engage with her behaviour anymore.
Don't give it to her - you have phones, there is email.