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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated about mil wanting full details of holiday

135 replies

SarcyMare · 22/05/2014 20:40

My MIL has always required that we contact her to let her know when we get to the end of any long journey, this has always irritated me.

But now we are going on a RV holiday in america touring around, and she wants a detailed itinerary of our route, i find this really really intrusive and annoying.

OP posts:
Arky · 23/05/2014 09:22

My DH travels to all sorts of weird and dodgy countries - I often haven't a clue where he is but I presume someone from his work would let me know if there is a problem.

I am not a worrier. Wink

shushpenfold · 23/05/2014 09:23

AWw....this sounds just like my parents. They like to know what we're doing and when so that they can picture us there. Both are well and truly retired and like to be kept involved. Be kind, smile and try to give a little info. xx

sunbathe · 23/05/2014 09:26

Just let dh sort whatever he wants to sort out for her and forget it.

YANBU, though, it is really irritating.

It's either that she's nosey or that she doesn't think you're both capable adults.

Bue · 23/05/2014 09:34

Obviously you have a relaxed approach but some people get very anxious about the whereabouts of their loved ones and want to know roughly where they are in the world and how they can be contacted. We are not all blessed with your relaxed approach to life, and it's actually an expression of the fact that your MIL loves her family, she is not trying to be intrusive. Granted, this type of thing is much less important these days with mobiles/email etc. Have you tried pointing out to her that you will be available by these methods in an emergency?

MargotLovedTom · 23/05/2014 09:40

I agree with Arky - just let your dh deal with it all. He obviously thinks it's all reasonable (and I'd be pissed off with the 'your family don't care about you' comment if I was in your place) so he can sort it all out.

Don't give it any more headspace.

MaryWestmacott · 23/05/2014 09:44

Thinking further, have you spelt it out to her that there is no itinery? Is she trying to force you in to clearly defined "plans" because she thinks your way of holiday is all sorts of wrong? Is she the sort that can't comprehend just winging it and thinks you need to be sorted into formal plans or you're going to waste your holiday or it's just not acceptable to be so slovenly as to not plan?

If you haven't clearly spelt it out, I would go with smiling and saying "MIL, i don't think you understand, we haven't given you an itenery because there isn't one, we haven't booked with a tour operator who's decided where we'll be at a set date, and we aren't going to do that either, we'll decide each day what we are planning on doing. I can roughly tell you where we're hoping ot visit, but not when or in which order, or how long we'll spend in each place, so there's not much point really. It's a lot of work to write it all out when we all know that's unlikely to bare any relation to where we'll be. If you need us, DH will have his mobile on, and I'll be able to check my e-mails now and then. Its a very different type of holiday to the norm, all we can say for certain is we're leaving on XXX day and returning on ZZZ day."

If she still insists after that, pass to DH to do. Refuse to engage, just keep repeating "you're asking for something that doesn't exist. there is no itenery."

Deverethemuzzler · 23/05/2014 09:46

Why are you involved at all with this?
Your OH's parents want to be sure he arrives safely. Why is that a bad thing.

It was an expected thing when I was a younger, pre mobile days. You did three rings when you got home or called.

I can see it would be a bind to put together an itinerary but you don't have to do it. You are not your OH's mum. Let him get on with it.

eddielizzard · 23/05/2014 09:48

i would leave all communication on the trip entirely in your dh's hands. tell him and her.

Deverethemuzzler · 23/05/2014 09:48

It's either that she's nosey or that she doesn't think you're both capable adults

I don't think this is necessarily true. Parents don't stop worrying about their kids when they reach their 18th birthday.

It doesn't mean they think they are incapable.

higgle · 23/05/2014 09:49

My mother is like this, wants me to ring when I've driven the 80 miles home from visiting her etc. She askes for addresses when we go away.
I tell her that we are on holiday and the whole point is to be out of contact. My brother rings her several time when he is away, can't see the point of a holiday if you have to talk to your mother every couple of days. DM has always been like this. With m sns I never ever ask them to call me, they generally email, facebook or ring if they have news but I would never ask them to ring me to say they got back safely after a visit.

sunbathe · 23/05/2014 09:53

My dc at 18 and then 19, went on holiday with friends. I don't expect them to keep in touch, it's a holiday, fgs.

We've both got mobiles.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/05/2014 09:54

YABU - we always contact family at the end of a journey, text when flight has landed on holiday etc.

What do you mean by 'if something goes wrong the police will tell you'? They won't tell you if someone in your family has been taken into hospital.

Just tell her what you know and then she will be happy and you'll hear no more about it.

What are you trying to prove? That you can deliberately leave her not knowing where you are and thumb your nose at her in the process? How fucking childish, frankly.

FarelyKnuts · 23/05/2014 09:55

I agree with you OP. To me it is intrusive. A holiday is a break away to think about other stuff NOT home. That includes family or anything to do with what is going on back there. All the people saying "Oh it's just a quick text or call to put their minds at ease".. It's not. It's having to put your head space back to home and obligations and feeling responsible for other people's wellbeing etc etc. On holiday I want a break from all that.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/05/2014 09:59

hampton I'm a bit shocked by that attitude. You would rather blithely get on with your holiday, only to return home and find that your granny had died and been buried in your absence than be contacted and have the choice to go home?

Weird.

MaryWestmacott · 23/05/2014 10:02

Alibaba - I think OP means if she was in a crash, then the US police would like MIL know, and that as her DH has his mobile with him, if something happens in the UK that he needs to know about, MIL can phone that. It's not like she needs to know where he is in order to call the hotel if she needs to reach them, nor that there's not a schedule so that if MIL wants to check up on them, she can call to see if they've arrived.

exexpat · 23/05/2014 10:03

My feelings precisely, FarelyKnuts. Particularly since my mother doesn't do texts (mobile phone is kept switched off in a drawer), so it's a call (awkward from different time zones) or email (if I can find wifi).

Strangely she managed without hearing from me/being able to contact me all the time when I was travelling or living abroad as a teenager/young adult, in the pre-mobile phone and internet days. When I was 17/18 and living alone in Germany, with no phone, our only contact was pay-phone calls and letters.

I think it is just because of new technology the possibility of constant contact is there so people come to expect it, but I find it intrusive and suffocating.

musicalendorphins2 · 23/05/2014 10:13

Just give them a copy of your itinerary, and the name of the place you are renting your rv from, not sure what the big deal is.

LemonSquares · 23/05/2014 10:22

granny had died and been buried in your absence than be contacted and have the choice to go home?

In MIL case the burial of her parent was two weeks after the holiday end - unless your religion decrees quick burial I don't think it usually happens that quickly in most parts of UK. I think my GP were both over two weeks to burial if not bit longer.

As Uncle and FIL were so adamant that she not come home - coming home wasn’t really an option either - as they didn't drive she was pretty dependent on the booked travel stuff anyway - and there was nothing for her to do at home. All having the information did was upset her and make her feel to guilty to enjoy the holiday. Though I do think its hard to know what is best to do in such a situation.

I used to think this kind of checking in and having to explain plans behaviour was normal - my parents did to for GP even at our expense - I remember many a time in cold and wet all of us tramping round to find a phone box instead of enjoying first night of our holiday.

My DH used to let me get on with it. I expect your DH has a life time of this being normal and that is where he is comming from OP - so let him deal with his mother.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 23/05/2014 10:26

I think being in contact is intrusive, since the advent of email my mum emails us from all over the world when I'd be happy to wait to hear from her when she gets home. She also emails me while we're away, I do check them occasionally in case anything important happens but would rather she didn't bother.

However I have no problem at all with anyone having the itinerary or texting/ringing when we get back, that's just courtesy and useful in an emergency. There are not many places I would not try and get home form if for example one of my parents was dying. I also think that if such a dreadful thing occurred how much extra stress it would put on the other parent if they didn't have a way of contacting me, if that had been just because I didn't want to give an itinerary I'd never forgive myself.

ladymariner · 23/05/2014 13:32

hampton my mother is neither intrusive or controlling, that was a breathtakingly general accusation you made there. However, she is a worrier and I always give her a quick call if we've gone away anywhere so that she knows we're there safely. Don't see any harm in that at all, it takes a minute to call and she can relax then.
That said, she would never expect an itinery, she just wants to know we're ok then expects us to get on with it!

BarbarianMum · 23/05/2014 14:25

If you are ok with potentially not knowing that someone you love is sick, or missing or dead, then you need leave no contact details at all of course. Or just tune in to the SOS messages on the radio each night (if they have those in the USA). I've been called home twice over 40 years do l do tend to make sure I can be contacted.

Waltermittythesequel · 23/05/2014 14:47

But why does her knowing your itinerary = her interfering and constantly on the phone?

I'm obviously missing something here.

Just because she knows what city you're going to be in doesn't mean she will be constantly ringing/texting, or that you have to answer all the time.

How did this jump from an itinerary to constant contact?!

Delphiniumsblue · 23/05/2014 15:24

It is obviously a problem relationship - simple things like knowing where you are shouldn't cause a problem. My son has just texted to say which leg of the journey he is on. I didn't request it- it us just nice to know and I do the same. I fail to see why it is a big deal to OP - except perhaps both her and her ILs are similar and it is a control issue on both sides.

IrianofWay · 23/05/2014 15:32

Sorry, I really don't see the problem. She wants to share it with you in a small way. If you give her your itinerary she can look on a map and see roughly where you are. She can enjoy it a little bit vicariously and feel a bit more secure. Why is that a problem?

If she expected you to call her everyday now THAT would be intrusive.

IrianofWay · 23/05/2014 15:35

And FWIW when my elderly parents went to the US and Australia and various places in between for 3 months the year after 9/11 you bet I wanted to know their itinerary. I didn't think it was crazy or intrusive, and thankfully neither did they.

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