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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated about mil wanting full details of holiday

135 replies

SarcyMare · 22/05/2014 20:40

My MIL has always required that we contact her to let her know when we get to the end of any long journey, this has always irritated me.

But now we are going on a RV holiday in america touring around, and she wants a detailed itinerary of our route, i find this really really intrusive and annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarcyMare · 22/05/2014 23:33

The police will tell my family if something goes wrong, because they will be bringing the news i am dead, that is the only sort of wrong anyone needs to know about before i get home.

His mobile will work in emergencies, but honestly what sort of emergency can we do anything about in the middle of america, 5 days drive from an airport, and the rv drop of point.

OP posts:
Original poster
SarcyMare · 22/05/2014 23:36

The information will be given to her apart from the bits where we are winging it, but we can only give her national park names, or cities, so nothing actually useful.

But this doesn't stop me being irritated. And i would never expect this of my kids as i just do not worry in this way. If people are late or don't phone i presume they are too busy having fun, not that they are dead.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 22/05/2014 23:43

Glad I am not related to you Scare!!

It's not about presuming anyone is dead. It's about courtesy to let people know you are ok and if for any reason you don't return when arranged that they have an idea where to direct a search effort

lilolilmanchester · 23/05/2014 00:19

Fair enough but can't you accept that some parents are more anxious than you? I really do appreciate that you don't want MIL contact to intrude on your holiday, break from family responsibilities is partly what holidays are about. But to not find some kind of compromise seems a bit cruel and suggests there are probably bigger problems in your relationship with your mil

Delphiniumsblue · 23/05/2014 06:58

It is hardly a big deal.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 23/05/2014 07:02

Take your mobile. Send regular texts "here at lovely sunny x kids loving it". Really not hard and better than a postcard.

Controlling in your eyes only.

hamptoncourt · 23/05/2014 07:06

I think/suspect the split on this thread is between people whose families are interfering/manipulative or not.

If you haven't experienced it, it must be hard to understand how intrusive and controlling some parents/ILS can be and how frustrating it is to deal with.

My ExMil was of the don't want you taking my darling son and grandchildren abroad you bitch variety and it did cause problems.

I am also Shock at the posters who have contacted relatives who are on holiday to tell them someone else is dead/ill/got a hearing appointment. I would be really hacked off to have my holiday ruined by this sort of totally useless but upsetting information unless it was about my DC. What can you do about it whilst you are away?

diddl · 23/05/2014 07:07

I'm with you OP.

What use is the info when texts can be sent anyway?

ElizaDolittle2 · 23/05/2014 07:11

Just because someone wants some information make them intrusive/manipulative?

Talk about taking it to an extreme.

diddl · 23/05/2014 07:14

Blimey, she kows they are touring USA, what does she want an itinery for?

I'm sure she's been told more or less places they are intending to visit.

Well I guess if OPs husband wants & can be bothered to do it then that's up to him.

I get the annoyance though if she wants to know everything just for the sake of it.

Delphiniumsblue · 23/05/2014 07:15

I would much rather just give an itinerary- I don't want to be sending texts and don't want to use the phone at all.

Delphiniumsblue · 23/05/2014 07:16

No wonder people get problem relationships if they get so steamed up about little, unimportant things.

revealall · 23/05/2014 07:18

The Op's on HOLIDAY. That means being freed from routine and having to be accountable to people as you are at work.
I agree there is no point in anyone having a route. There is no point at all. How does having the route ensure the Op is going to be Ok?

In fact I'd rather hear about someone's holiday afterwards and not be saying "Thursday? You were supposed to be in Memphis what happened".

HecatePropylaea · 23/05/2014 07:21

Well, if there is no reason she needs the information and it's just about nosiness/control then why not just write something down, it doesn't have to be accurate. Put any old crap down. If you haven't decided yet, just shove something down and give it to her. It'll make her happy and it doesn't obligate you to follow it.

If she asks you about it afterwards, you can always just say we changed our minds.

HecatePropylaea · 23/05/2014 07:22

make her happy and shut her up, that should read.

MaryWestmacott · 23/05/2014 07:25

Well, the op says her mil likes to be in control, I'm guessing not just about holiday plans. If there's no hotel bookings, and no fixed locations at set times, then this information is useless, unless the actual purpose of asking for it is to a)give you a job to do prior to holiday b) make you think about her and "checking in" when away, c) to give her an opportunity to tell you what to do.

If it's just an exercise in making herself part of your trip/making you think about her, then ignore.

You are right, if you have a phone with you, if for some reason they needed to get hold of you, they could. If something happens to you, them knowing this information will make no difference, unless she is also going to insist on regular calls/texts to confirm you have arrived on time at various locations. There is no benefit to having this info, so don't bother.

AmIGoingMad · 23/05/2014 07:27

I think YABU to be honest.

What's the harm in simply letting her know the initial plan? It doesn't change your plans and just puts her mind at ease. What's the harm in that?! She just wants to feel a bit closer to you while you're away I imagine. She might be missing her family and find it reassuring to think ' oo they're in Yellowstone today. I hope they're enjoying. I'll look forward to hearing about that when they get back!'

It doesn't mean your itinerary is set in stone. Just that your giving her an initial one.

I don't understand why people think family are trying to get at them as a default!

LemonSquares · 23/05/2014 09:03

My parents used to require checks in with every trip.

I hated when we started traveling with young DC – because they don't do texts so it had to be a phone call. It was head space - must ring just as I had loads of stuff to sort and was usually pretty exhausted.

They were also very negative - as they never wanted us to go anywhere – so would try and find fault with our travel experiences and the place. It was kind of an extension of their well will worry about you doing x, y, and z so therefore you should really do nothing but stop in the house.

It also wasn’t reciprocal – I’d find they had been up other end of county and not said – so if I had ended to be in touch mobiles were fine for them but not us.

I started delaying the ringing up – till next day of few days they seem to have adjusted and don’t seem any more anxious. In fact I wonder now if their behaviour was partly a result of years of condition by my GP requiring this.

If you tell her – is she going to then keep pushing alternative routes and destination – something my parents always use to try – if you are not where you said you’d beat right time will she find out and worry more or will you feel obligated to go where you have said ? If so be vague with your plans – otherwise what the downside of telling her that is worrying you?

LemonSquares · 23/05/2014 09:11

The information will be given to her apart from the bits where we are winging it, but we can only give her national park names, or cities, so nothing actually useful.

Sorry missed your update - maybe best appracoh is to let DH tell her what he wants and you just avoid talking about the holiday with her - so you don't get wound up.

Have to say I did wonder at DH uncle phoning MIL at start of her two week holiday telling her her Dad had died. She wanted to come home but uncle and FIL said there was no point - she really didn't enjoy the rest of the holiday and then had to come back to everyone asking why she hadn't cut the holiday short.

TinyTear · 23/05/2014 09:15

my parents (dad) are like that as well, and i used to travel a lot for work, come home at midnight and wanted to go to bed, not faff about sending a text and if i forgot they would text me worried

now i just don't tell them of all business trips. my husband knows and that is enough

tertle · 23/05/2014 09:18

I can understand texting when you arrive home after a long journey. I'm a bit of a worrier and I like to know when people get home safely. But a detailed itinerary is definitely OTT and would annoy me too. And I can't actually see the point?

As pps have said, I'd give her a rough idea of what your plans are and then get your DH to send her texts and updates.

Asheth · 23/05/2014 09:18

We're going to be touring this summer and I will certainly be giving my parents an itinerary. And I or one of the DCs will be emailing them when we can find a wifi spot.

I don't see the problem, but it's your DH's mum so if he wants to keep her informed then he should. You don't need to do anything. I hope my DCs are as considerate of me when they're older!

Arky · 23/05/2014 09:19

This can't be an issue surely??? Confused This is the type of thing I would leave completely to my DH - his parents = his problem. I wouldn't give it a moments thought.

If my mil asked me for this information directly I would simply say 'oh, you will have to ask DH to sort that'

My advice would be to not get involved and not think about it for a second.

WyrdByrd · 23/05/2014 09:20

You do sound a bit unkind tbh. It's great that you're not the anxious type, but some people are and it costs nothing to put their mind at rest.

My mum is a worrier, especially when DD & I go off on our own somewhere without my DH to 'protect us' (ironic since she doesn't actually like DH!) I do tell her off for being draft and she gets lots of eye rolling but she is the way she is and I'd rather she wasn't unhappy & fretting if there's an easy way for her not to be.

We have a code AP&C (all present & correct) which I just text to let her know we've arrived safely. Takes seconds, everyone's happy.

Suzannewithaplan · 23/05/2014 09:21

My children are grown up, I take a 'no news is good news' approach.
I want them to get on with their lives without having to check in with me.

Generally they will text to let me know they've arrived if it's a long journey but I leave it to them to decide what to keep me informed of.

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