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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

287 replies

CraicWhore · 22/05/2014 19:17

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

OP posts:
slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:19

Haha coffee you have never spent any time trying to get hold of my electric company clearly.

They add up, and it's yet another thing wohp doesn't have to worry about at all.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:21

And incidentally, my DC hospital appointments take a good 2/3 hours a time. Yes it's only once a month, but again, it saves DH taking the time off work.

The many roles of a sahp all add up.

Mintyy · 22/05/2014 21:22

CoffeeTea103 - I've got a brilliant self employment idea for you!

Why don't you take on the job of finding and booking holidays for other people?

If it takes no more than an hour, along with the other household admin jobs for the average family of 4, then how does £20 sound to you?

I would joyfully hand over £20 to someone who could find and book our annual holiday.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:25

Hahah I love you minty!

I just had to find car hire in Spain, under £100, fitting 5 people and bags, for a midnight collection at the airport.

It took about 5 hours. I was ready to hang myself by the time I found it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/05/2014 21:25

Tbh I think your prblems are worse than simply whetherto cook him tea each evening.

He sounds like a dickhead.

Thepaintedveil · 22/05/2014 21:31

Watching this thread with interest-I am a sahm and cook every night apart from a saturday when we will have pizza or take-away.

One time I did'nt make dinner as both dh and I were feeling ill and he was really arsey about itAngry

I do feel guilty if I don't make a decent meal as he works very long hours but had a very busy day today so only made a fritatta-was expecting a moan or dirty look but nope not a word so maybe he does'nt care as much as I think!

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 21:32

Minty yes I do have to ask. Apart from 3 months on maternity leave I have always worked full time. Looking after a baby did not take all day or prevent my doing other things.

One of my colleagues has 2 primary school children and a SAH wife. The children are at the local village school which is a few minutes walk. He has a 2 hour commute and a working day that starts before 9 and usually ends after 8. What exactly occupies her time during school hours? To be fair to her she does always have dinner waiting for him.

5madthings · 22/05/2014 21:33

Yanbu

Bollocks to this the sahp should do eeverything housework related and all the cooking, my dp works ccrazy shifts and when he is out I do everything but when he is at home we both pitch in so if whe he gets in dinner needs doing and I am busy helping little ones with their homework he will cook diinner and we both do the eve routine of getting stuff sorted for the next day and getting kids in bed etc.

Why should he come in and sit on his arse whilst I rush around? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

dreamingbohemian · 22/05/2014 21:35

Jesus Christ, of course you don't want to cook dinner for someone who won't even clear his plate from the table

If you don't want to, don't do it. He's not your master.

Owllady · 22/05/2014 21:42

She has two children under two, what the fuck do you think she is doing? All day
It really doesn't take that much imagination. Funny how it's only a job if you pay someone else to do it

I would sack him op, he sounds intolerable

Owllady · 22/05/2014 21:44

Caitlin, why don't you ask him if you are that interested in his wife's private life?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 21:45

Minty yes I do have to ask. Apart from 3 months on maternity leave I have always worked full time. Looking after a baby did not take all day or prevent my doing other things.

So you went back when your baby was 3 months old? That might explain why you dont understand what OP could be doing all day with a 23 month old and a 6 month old.

Mintyy · 22/05/2014 21:51

3 months with a baby huh? Well you certainly are well qualified to comment on what a sahp does all day.

Presumably you had a Nanny when you were out at work. Did you expect Nanny to cook your evening meal and book the car in for a service while she was at it. And then deal with the baby when he/she woke up at night as well?

ThisFenceIsComfy · 22/05/2014 21:54

Bloody hell some people's attitudes on here are awful.

If you can't understand what she is doing all day at home then maybe you also can't understand why anybody would pay a CM or nursery? I mean, CMs aren't doing anything all day are they? Why, they should work for free and give you your dinner when you pick up the kids (which better be bathed and already asleep btw). We should keep all CMs on speed dial for every night waking too.

JonesRipley · 22/05/2014 21:58

OP

yanbu

Toadinthehole · 22/05/2014 22:02

DW and I used to do shifts. I'd look after the kids when she was at work and vice versa.

I would tidy up and make sure she got a hot meal when she got in. I thought this was obvious, as the kitchen was right there, as were was the mop and broom etc.

She on the other hand was always "too busy". So I have sympathy with those who wonder what SAHPs are actually up to, if they say they haven't time dislike doing such things.

Tallypet · 22/05/2014 22:02

Well that's just drip feeding - should have mentioned the games playing and TV in original post. Quite annoying.

If he does 'nothing' then you need to sort it out.

Making a family requires work by everyone in the household. It's not on that he watches TV or plays games. Might have helped if you'd said that sooner.

You're married to a boy child. Get rid of the bloody console and start focusing on working together as a family unit. Before this gets worse

BornOfFrustration · 22/05/2014 22:03

Thing is, they're all different. For the first 9 3 months of my maternity leave I was sofa bound with my boob hanging out or pacing the floor with DD in a sling trying to get the little blister to sleep. Not much got done at all.

A bit more gets done now she's 2 and a bit but not much because it takes so much longer. If I'm washing up I hear
"my need to wash up mummy, I get a chair!"

"too heavy, mummy help"

"I need to wash the cup, mummy move"

It can take an hour to wash up in this house. I'd love to be able to pop her down with some interesting toys or let her play in the pan cupboard or whatever, but it doesn't work with DD

Cooking dinner is the same "making dinner! My need a chair and a knife!"

I wait until DH gets home then lock myself in the kitchen, if I've had the day from hell or I can't be arsed DH will cook or we will get a takeout and DD gets fishfingers and beans.

Tallypet · 22/05/2014 22:11

Btw. Some people could remember that whilst OP has two under 2yrs old, one of them is in nursery. Is it free nursery or do you have to pay fees?

This should have been discussed before second baby came along - especially if you knew your DH had a penchant for video games

arethereanyleftatall · 22/05/2014 22:11

The majority of posters here are arguing the timeless sahp vs wohp 'who has the hardest role' debate. A pointless debate if ever there was one, since every situation is different.
This misses the ops point I feel. She hasn't chosen the role of sahm, she's essentially been forced in to it. That makes a big difference to what she should and shouldn't do.
Yanbu.

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 22:16

Owllady actually someone (not me) did ask her and her reply was "thank goodness husband never asks me that"

slithytove · 22/05/2014 22:17

I have to say, I had a lot more free time before DS was mobile and eating. I was able to relax loads while bf, and other than feeding him, he would sleep or giggle at his mobile. Yes we played and had all the same appointments etc, but things like mopping and cooking were far easier than they are now with a lively 14 month old.

And of course, as soon as I'm sweating the onions or whatever, there is a dirty nappy to deal with.

DH openly admits that he would hate to cook dinner with DS in tow like I do several nights a week.

I think both DH and I are really lucky with each other. He loves his ps3 and I have my various interests too, but a year down the line and we have found a way to compromise so DS comes first and we both have some time to still do as we please. and we will have to do it all again when DD2 arrives in Sept

fifi669 · 22/05/2014 22:20

YAB a bit U. You are at home all day and by your own admission one of your DC is at nursery so you only have a 6 month old to deal with. Housework doesn't take all day. Kids don't need 24/7 entertaining. You don't have to run around once DH is home making him tea as it's pretty simple to make something he can nuke later. This should be the standard set up.

That said.... There should be some flexibility, maybe Friday night is take out night, he cooks at weekends etc.

I'd say normally there shouldn't be any chores to share when he gets home. Obviously there will be days when everything just went wrong or DC or yourself are ill.... Apart from dealing with the DC themselves it should be mostly done week days.

It doesn't sound like either of you are willing to help the other out. You sound more like flat mates?

DP will leave his plate on the table drives me crazy but I bite my tongue as he will often cook, do washing, entertain DS, tidy up etc so I can get my head down. This is after his full day at work. The difference is we work together, we respect each other and we appreciate flexibility is key to not going do lally.

Dysfunctional · 22/05/2014 22:23

I gave up cooking for both of us soon after DC2 was born.(I work part-time and the afternoon when I am home is me concentrating on breaking up fights whilst getting kids fed)

DH likes to eat at 7pm (and needs something more than left over macaroni cheese) and I need some time to wind down first after DC go to bed. We weren't eating until 8pm/9pm most nights which was too late for DH

Just buy in some ready meals in the week and DH can heat them up when required ands then maybe cook at weekends.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/05/2014 22:25

The person home all day should do the cooking if the other is out working all day regardless of gender. If this was a man he would be called all sorts.

It's not that hard to fit in jobs, admin etc takes at max an hour a month. Housework does take that long if done regular and unless cooking a banquet it's can be done in less than an hour easily.