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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

287 replies

CraicWhore · 22/05/2014 19:17

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 22/05/2014 20:55

Exactly TheFairy. It's mean. He's out until 8:30 at night and he shouldn't be made something to eat when he gets in? Unbelievable.

I have been in all sorts of positions over the years - single parent, whilst working, SAHM, WOHM whilst married... I would get home from a 10 hour day and exh would have already eaten and not made me anything. He would mention which films he'd watched during the day, and which Xbox games he's played. DS was well cared for, so in the opinion of some of you, he'd done his bit. So I would have to start cooking for myself after work and then do stuff with and for the kids as well. How can you think that's not selfish?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 20:55

When i was working FT i used a slow cooker quite a lot for dinner which meant chucking everything in before inleft for work and had it set on a timer. This was for me and then baby (weaned) ds.

No reason why DH cant do that if he wants a cooked dinner in the evenings. Means he just comes in and spoons it onto a plate already warm. Lots of people come home from work and make dinner for themselves. I dont think the fact that you are a SAHP should mean it's your job to cook for him when not cooking for yourself or dcs.

Original poster
CraicWhore · 22/05/2014 20:56

I should probably point out, for the sake if those speculating, that when DH does get home he does precisely FA. If the kids are still up he doesn't help bath or put them to bed. He sits watching really shit TV or xboxing, because he's been grafting all day and deserves the down time. He doesn't do any domestic chores, even just leaves his dinner plate on the table.
When I am at work I used to finish at 9pm. He would be at home mopeing about how hungry he was or he would eat a mcdonalds 3 times a week.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 22/05/2014 20:57

He'd eat in the mess, Mintyy! He would, also, live much nearer to his workplace and not have an hour and 20 minute, each way, commute because we stay living here for the sake of our DC's education.

It cuts both ways though, if we split up I wouldn't have the benefits his wage brings in. I wouldn't have my brand new car, my holidays abroad, my gadgets and nice clothes. So he gets his tea cooked and his clothes washed , he does his fair share of the house work and all the gardening and car washing.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 20:58

*I always think it is helpful, in these circumstances, to say "what would the wohp do if they were single?"

Because single people who work long hours still need to eat. And wash their clothes. And keep their homes reasonably clean. And pay their bills, send birthday cards, book holidays, get the car serviced, get repairs done on the house, buy underpants.

It is shameful how many wohps seem to think that sahps somehow owe them a cushion just because they go out and earn the money.

Presumably if the sahp and the children fucked off over night they would continue just as before in the same job?*

Spot on!

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 21:00

YABU. I really don't understand how the stay at home partner can think this is fair.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:00

Agreed sillybilly.

Talisa, I don't think a single person suggesting that after work errands should be shared, is saying that on the basis that the sahp does nothing all day.

It's not kind to apply the standards of your ex to all other sahp. Most I know 'work' very hard, removing many of the burdens from the wohp in doing so.

CrockedPot · 22/05/2014 21:00

YABU, stop making such a big deal of it, who has cereal for tea as a grown up!?
He's at work all day, you aren't, cook a meal for you both and he can warm his up when he gets in. When you are both working full time, take it in turns, and make sure he takes his turn cooking at weekends.
Having two young children at home is hard work, having a full time job is also hard work, not helping each other out makes it all ten times harder.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 21:00

even just leaves his dinner plate on the table

^^
This boils my piss!

As if you are a fucking waitress!! Grrr Angry

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 21:01

YABU. I really don't understand how the stay at home partner can think this is fair.

Mintyy · 22/05/2014 21:01

So you have to put that in your argument Fairy. All things are not equal. Some wohps who get in at 8.30 only work 10 minutes from their office. I know someone who gets home at 9pm every night and he has a 1 hour commute.

TalisaMaegyr · 22/05/2014 21:01

In which case Craic, I would also tell him to stick his dinner up his arse.

I didn't realise that he did none of the other stuff at all. Your situation is different.

I would expect the SAHP to do what needs to be done on the daytime, and IMO that would include making dinner. But coming home and doing fuck all to help is disgusting.

TheFairyCaravan · 22/05/2014 21:01

I like cooking. It is one of the few things left I can still do. DH leaves the house at 5:50am, he gets home between 6:15pm and 7:00pm. Today I have taken some forms to the GP, posted a letter and did an online shop and cooked dinner.

DH has had a full on day. I would have been mean beyond words if I had been sat on my arse waiting for him to get in, shower and then roll up his sleeves to get the dinner on!

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:04

Jesus women (I presume most of these posters are women, and I'm also going to presume that most sahp are women for the sake of argument) are really other women's worst enemies!

To say looking after small children isn't work (unless you are a cm or nursery nurse), to imply that sahp do nothing all day, it's just awful.

Criticise all you like when a wohp comes on the boards and says how shit their situation is. But criticising when poster after poster say how sharing errands works in their household, is arrogant at best.

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 21:05

The comparison with single people who have to come and cook is not analagous. What exactly are SAHs doing all day? I can't see any reason why cooking a meal isn't part of your job. Cleaning a house does not take 8 hours or longer per day.

Caitlin17 · 22/05/2014 21:06

The comparison with single people who have to come and cook is not analagous. What exactly are SAHs doing all day? I can't see any reason why cooking a meal isn't part of your job. Cleaning a house does not take 8 hours or longer per day.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 22/05/2014 21:06

I know this is just my own personal experience but my working day was a piece of piss compared to being at home with pre schoolers all day. It isnt always true that WOH is hard work or harder than SAH.

CoffeeTea103 · 22/05/2014 21:06

Fairy I totally agree with you.
Being in a partnership sometimes mean that you have to do more than 50%, if the benefit is a happier family.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:06

Show me one person on this thread who implied it was ok to literally sit around all day doing nothing, and then to do the same once wohp got back.

I doubt you will find one.

The days DH is cooking, we schedule for me to be out all day. Up, sort DC, hopsital appt, baby group, lunch, shops, home, feed DC and put to bed.

I hardly think it's unreasonable that following all that, I go for a bath while DH cooks fishfingers.

slithytove · 22/05/2014 21:11

The point is, if that a single person, or two wohp manage to feed themselves, be it fishfingers, using a slow cooker etc, that they can do that for their families 1-2 nights a week.

Karoleann · 22/05/2014 21:12

I think you should be the one cooking since you're at home.

But, why not just get a childminder rather than waiting for a nursery place to come up and go back to work.

Mintyy · 22/05/2014 21:14

Of course it is relevant, if not analagous.

What are sahps doing all day? (if looking after babies and pre-schoolers like op) - do you really have to ask Caitlin?

diddl · 22/05/2014 21:14

I think that it also depends on the age of the children.

If there comes a time when three of you are at home for lunch it can seem more worth while cooking & easier to leave something for the one out working.

Although OP's husband doesn't sound as if he deserves that courtesy.

But OP, you seem to be living on light meals & cereal-hope you're looking after yourself!

CoffeeTea103 · 22/05/2014 21:16

Someone up thread mentioned booking appointments, holidays and bills as part of the jobs covered by sahp, sounds a lot to make the list seem longer but realistically takes not more than an hour.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/05/2014 21:18

Don't think you can have a "rule" that says a SAHP should do all the domestic stuff. Or should cook every evening meal.
If I was a sahm I would consider it part of my role to organise family food most week night's. But then I have (and would expect) a dh who helps when he's at home. He does a lot with the dcs and although he's pathologically untidy Angry he doesn't shy away from domestic responsibilities.
But op's DP doesn't join in with the "domestic" stuff. So it seems she's expected to be " on duty" 24/7. Not fair

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