AIBU to not want to cook dinner if I'm a SAHP?

[CraicWhore]

Since having DS 23 months and DD 6 months I absolutely hate cooking and I'm not that great at it anyway. I'm a SAHM through circumstance not choice. I want to go back to work but can't until DD gets a nursery place and DH refuses to take time off work to help with childcare.
If the children are fed and I'm happy to have a bowl of cereal for tea is it unreasonable if I tell DH he has to sort his own suppers out?

Why can't she make something like a stew, cottage pie, or a million other meals that only needs reheating?

Why should she, if she doesn't want to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal?

I think enjoyingmycoffee's post is very insightful. Perhaps, It's not about the cooking

YANBU. If you don't want to cook dinner for yourself then I don't see why you should cook any for your DH. I don't get all the "he's been working hard all day so should be able to come home to a nice meal" type of response. The vast majority of the population have to cook food sometimes after a hard days work so I don't see why it's too much work for men who have wives at home.

twofingers - when I was married, I was the WOHP and exdh was SAHP. One of the many, many reasons we split up was because he didn't do the dinner. It's lazy and it's selfish. Sorry.

When DW has worked evenings and left the kids to me, I have always have sure she has had a hot meal waiting for her. To be honest, I find it astonishing that anyone would think anyone would think differently although dw is one of them as she's never reciprocated the favour.

Why can't he make a stew? Can he not find the kitchen? Has he built a palace? Is he not able to use a knife or peeler?

If it ain't rocket science, if it's easy, if it's time saving, if it can be done first thing, if it takes five mins, WHY CANT HE?!

Sorry you worked from home and he parented but he had to do the dinner? That's as ridiculous. It's wrong regardless of which is at home or which is working.

It's interesting, I went through a phase of hating cooking, I don't actually hate it that much it was just that DW (both women) never did it and I felt really put upon. This included days when I worked and when she worked, I always cooked. It was so annoying to do Dd's dinner and then have to start all over again for us.

We basically ended up with a compromise like slithy suggests I made homecooked meals from scratch, she felt she just couldn't cope with that so I said "Ok, do ANYTHING you like but not a take away" This means we do end up with alot of omlettes but there are worse things!

It's much better now that Dd eats with us.

One child at nursery all day. One child at home. There's ample time to prepare a meal. SAHP is tiresome I understand that. But really, you CAN make a good dinner in no time. Even roasts don't require much energy (literally pop everything in the oven and it's done).
If there's loads of cleaning allocate two rooms a day and that's it.
This day in age we're fortunate enough to have gadgets to help us like dishwashers, washing machines etc... Our grandparents did the SAHP stuff without these luxuries and just got on with it. If you don't want to be a SAHP then you should get back to work and share duties with DH who is at the moment doing his best to provide financially for his family.

Talisa - I don't get it, the point I'm making is that it can easily be shared. And no. Dinners every night are not necessarily your job as a sahp. Again it's that logic that the sahp works 24 hours a day 7 days a week while the wohp stops when they get home that I just don't get.

What is the harm in sharing it once wohp is home?

Coffee - if you have read my posts, you will see a multitude of meals I have suggested that either OP or her DH could try. I just don't see why after looking after kids and doing household stuff for 13 hours, the sahp has to then do everything else alone too.

I fail to see the negative side of both parents downing tools for the day and sharing any remaining workload.

I mostly do DP his dinners and packed lunches I am a SAHM and he usually gets whatever we've had reheated as he works shifts.

However, on more than one occasion, we have had something that couldn't really be reheated or tbh I was just really tired and DP has to sort his own tea out. I consider that fair. I'm not a housekeeper or cook, I'm looking after DS during the day. I did the exact same job as DP before and I know that he has a less stressful day anyway.

Yes I totally agree with slithylove point that sahp cannot be expected to work 24/7. That's not reasonable.

It's not the remaining workload though slithy, it's THE workload. It's part and parcel of being the SAHP.

Share at the weekends. I'm not saying that OP should have to do all the housework and cooking. It's pulling your weight in a partnership.

Honestly, I can't quite believe what I'm reading.

And I don't think it's anything to do with financial contribution.

I am STILL bringing in more than DH despite being on mat leave, yet I don't expect him to do the lions share around the house. I do as much as I can during the day, knowing that we will be sharing the remaining workload whenever he gets home. Equally, we both have set jobs that the other hates or is crap at doing.

But meals are a big things for us, it's our grown up time when we talk about our day. So we meal plan.

It means he knows on the nights I'm cooking he has free reign for FIFA, it means I know I can have a bath if he is cooking. It means I can plan to cook mince, so I actually make 3 meals instead of one.

It means that some days when I feel like utter shit and it's all I can do to keep DC changed and happy, that I know there are ingredients in and DH will take over.

I'm in no way saying this will or should work for everyone. But no one feels put upon in this house - and however it works for other sahp, I assure you, I make an equal contribution to DH.

I was reading a thread last night where the op complained that her dh was at home all day but wouldn't cook dinner so she had to do it when she got home from work. The responses were very much in the ltb line, why can't he cook for you the lazy bastard type thing.

Many of you in this thread are going for the poor you, why should you cook after staying at home all day line. Would you be saying this if you thought op was a man?

I agree, I think the solution is batch cooking. On the days when DS isn't at nursery I do cook and make sure he is fed healthy dinners so I suppose it's no more effort to make extra and freeze it.
Thank you for the advice.
Xx

Talisa, it is the remaining workload.

For instance, as the sahp I do all bills and accounting, childcare, appointment booking, holiday booking, washing, ironing, bed making, shopping, most of the cleaning, all of the garden, half or more of the cooking, all of the tidying etc.

He works, does the bins, takes care of the cats, and does halfish of the dinners and the remaining workload. Which includes the dishwasher after dinner, or wiping down the counters.

It's hardly taxing.

And I would find it terribly unfair to have to run around after DH mon - fri from 6pm-bedtime just because I'm on maternity leave, and it's not a weekend.

I always think it is helpful, in these circumstances, to say "what would the wohp do if they were single?"

Because single people who work long hours still need to eat. And wash their clothes. And keep their homes reasonably clean. And pay their bills, send birthday cards, book holidays, get the car serviced, get repairs done on the house, buy underpants.

It is shameful how many wohps seem to think that sahps somehow owe them a cushion just because they go out and earn the money.

Presumably if the sahp and the children fucked off over night they would continue just as before in the same job?

It's not the remaining workload though slithy, it's THE workload. It's part and parcel of being the SAHP.

That's just a matter of opinion though. You may think that SAHP should do absolutely everything around the house on the week days but many people think that once the working parent is home, jobs should be divided.

I'm surprised that people think that being a sahp means that your job is none stop mon-fri and that the wohp should only muck in at weekends.

Those evenings are valuable to us as a couple, and by sharing them, we get to spend time together and have important time to ourselves as well.

As opposed to DH never seeing me because I'm cooking and tidying all the mess he makes when he gets home.

I've been a SAHM (too ill to work) or worked P/T since my DC were born and have always cooked dinner. I haven't always wanted to, but I know damn well that DH hasn't always wanted to get up and go to work every day either.

I really don't get this 'parenting is the job of the SAHP', either. Children don't need entertaining every minute of every day.

I think it is mean when someone has been out all day, until 8:30, to come in and start making their own meal. If I didn't want to be cooking that late, and I wouldn't, I would leave something in the slow cooker or something that could be heated up when DH came in.

I can see it as being unfair if all the jobs are left for when wohp gets back. That would be rotten.

But if the sahp has been busy all day - and I know full well DH has much more relaxing lunches than I do! Then why condemn them for not wanting to go it alone once there are two people there?

There is this image that at home all day (which I me is untrue anyway) means doing nothing all day and I don't know why.

There is the general maintainence of a househould which takes a couple hours, but how much longer does that take with excitable DC underfoot or maybe that's just me as well as spending quality time with DC. Going out of the house takes a lot longer for me as I can't just go and jump in my car like DH does, I have to deal with change bags, car seats, and for some reason, always a dirty nappy!

I also nap with DC ATM because he is sleeping badly, so guess who gets up in the night for hours - hint, not DH!

All of this works for us becuase we communicate and want each other to be happy. But in no way are either of us lazy, and I wouldn't say either of us on average contribute more to the household.

Fair enough fairy - so what would you say to a single person who only got home at half eight? In terms of how they could manage their dinners.

But have you seen my post TheFairyCaravan?

What would your dh do if you left him? How would he eat?

[STAGGERED that I still need to ask this question in 20 fucking 14 btw]