I've just read back and seen Cloggal's post about Denise Robertson's advice.
Keep trying and don't give up is exactly one of the reasons why I felt so under pressure from my MIL and partly why our relationship cannot be fixed now.
Way back when our relationship could have been salvageable, I asked her to take a step back and stop pushing me. I think I even said that you cannot keep pushing a person and expect them to walk towards you, if you push then they naturally withdraw even further back to create the space they need. Back off, give them space and they will come to you eventually.
Nothing got through to her. Eventually wasn't good enough. Instead it was day after day of phone calls, it could be fifteen-twenty calls in an hour to landline and mobile. There were letters through the door and their car parked outside the house. They would follow me in their car if I took DS out in his pram, follow me to the shops to check I was going where I said I was, they would watch the house and be knocking on the door within seconds of us walking through it if we had been out. Visiting two or three times a day. Trying to make arrangements to see us all the time. If we saw them on Monday and said we would see them on Wednesday they would be asking "but what about Friday and Sunday and next week and Christmas as well?"
We felt like prisoners in our home. DH was working away a lot and so was only home Friday to Sunday. Yet his phone would be ringing before he left work "where are you, when will we see you, can you make Sarah do this, tell Sarah we want that, tell Sarah she has got to do as we say…"
MIL even wrote to me to say "I know you said not to write to you anymore but I don't want to stop until I have made you listen to me."
If they had just stopped and behaved like normal people, just left things alone and stopped dragging up everything every five minutes we might have actually managed to fix things.
I know things would have been strained between us at first but if they had backed off and let me actually have a bit of space to approach them then things could be very different now.
Instead, in the name of 'keep trying and don't give up' they hounded me to the point I had panic attacks. I thought I was having a stroke during the first one. All because of advice like this.
They still send cards and gifts and ask people to intervene on their behalf and speak to me and tell me they love me and they don't understand what they've done or why I suddenly decided to treat them so badly. They've said sorry, so everything now is down to me.
I still can't leave the house without looking for their car. I park mine at the supermarket in a space they can't block me into. I walk into relatives houses carefully, so I can check if they are already in there. I carry a panic alarm because I'm scared of meeting them somewhere. And every special occasion is a tightrope walk of unease and worry, wondering where the card or gift from them will appear from, which relative they will have convinced to pass it on for them.
Because that's the advice. Don't give up, send cards and gifts so they know you still care. And if some woman on the telly says it then it's got to be okay right? They're not doing anything wrong.