This Morning - totally one sided fucking slot on Grandparents being denied contact

[trashcanjunkie]

God I'm fuming watching this. This Morning have done a section on parents denying contact to the grandparents. The whole thing has focused on how cruel and unfair it is for parents to do it. They've had a succession of gps on who've had contact cut. They made NO FUCKING attempt to acknowledge the thousands of people who felt they had no choice than to go nc as the relationship with gps was/is utterly toxic and no matter what they tried it always would be.

disclaimer - I'm ill in bed so watching shite telly!

I have watched this myself and agree it was very one sided.

It made me think though as to what rights grandparents should have?

I see many women on MN say that when we have a baby it is not our property, it does not belong to us, but in fact belongs to the whole family. I've always found that a bit of an odd stance if I'm honest. My baby is mine, nobody else's (bar DH of course) and if I thought there was a valid reason why any relative shouldn't be allowed access then I completely believe I have the right to make that decision.

I imagine there are lots of cases where grandparents are unfairly pushed out the picture, but surely they don't have more rights than the actual parents?

Just watched that, was expecting my 'D'M to be on there.

Some things could be worked out I agree but at what cost? I have gone NC with my mother and have a DS so she doesn't see him. She got involved with a married man and then wouldn't turn up or be late, would ditch my DS because he called, when she did come round she'd be on the phone to him or texting him one day as came round for 4 hours "to see my DS" she spent 10 minutes of that time off the phone. She continuously lies, is narcissistic, would rather text and drive than pull over and nothing is ever her fault!

I could say I'll give her another shot like I did 3 times already this year and she will still continue to do it so as the parent to my DS I've made that decision and that is gonna be final.

I saw this also and couldnt believe how one sided it was. They should have given some time to somebody who has cut off contact and explained why. There are 2 sides to every story and we only heard one side.

My inlaws are not toxic but are just not bothered by DD. DP's neice had a DD 6 weeks before my DD was born. They are all over their great grandaughter, babysitting, going to see her all the time and cant be arsed with DD - their granddaughter. MIL hasnt seen DD since March and even then we had to take her round. We live about 2 minutes away.

We have stopped making the effort. The ball is in their court, but as long as they have Great GD in their lives their GD wont get a look in.

There is also a HUGE back story to all this, if I had my way I would have cut them off years ago.

Things like this always tend to be onesided just as items on fathers that don't see their children seem at always the fathers fault and call them 'deadbeat dads' etc.

Unfortunately the media do have a habit of focusing on the one side these days.

I totally agree with you Writer. I have an unusual situation with Dd where she has more grandparents than most people and one set (my ex DP's) were unbelievably controlling and demanding in their "rights" to see her and in their beliefs about what was good for her and not good for her. Ironically I never denied them access to her, I just objected to their insistence that they "wanted her every other weekend"!!! WHAT?!

I'm afraid we eventually had a huge bust up and I told them that unless they could respect that I was her parent and therefore in charge they would not see her anymore. It actually worked and for the past 6 years they have seen her every month or so with almost no problems. If they'd refused to accept it I would have cut them out of her life.

As I've said to people many times, my dd has a very large, unusual, disparate family and someone HAS to be in charge. That someone is me because I am her mother.

I think this is a bit over the top. Unless those grandparents are child abusers or like, a short contact once in a while wouldn't do any harm. You don't have to live with them and obey them.

I've just caught it on +1

Very one-sided, at least on Jeremy Kyle both sides get to tell their story I wonder what the daughters/DILs whose mothers/MILs rang in would have to say on the matter.

I know when we cut the MIL off, we had lots of people say "but she's family, your daughter will miss out" and then MIL would fuck them over too and all of a sudden we didn't seem so bad anymore.

I really didn't like it when Denise said something about how the parents need to look to the future and think about how they would feel if it happened to them...... It felt almost like a threat. I don't think she realises that some people with toxic parents wouldn't dream of doing the same to their own children.

And, it was also all about how to get to the grandchildren, it didn't mention repairing the mother/daughter relationship at all. As if I'm going to let someone who clearly has issues with me spend time with my child

I've just seen this and am pretty shocked at how biased it came across.

My own gm was never a "danger" to me by my God she was poisonous. I'm keeping her well away from my dd and yes I do have a right to do that!

okay my mom is involved with a man who social services agree is too interested in my daughter he was accused of grooming her i was recommended to keep her boyfriend out of my childs life she won't see my kids without him so she has not had any contact for 5 years now is this my fault? im told by social services im putting my child at risk if i allow contact with him so i wont but people still blame me not her who wont give up an hour or two to see them without him!!

my children dont see my husbands father either he had a full on fist fight with his brother inches away from my sons on my youngests first birthday and he also tried to hit their dad too (tried he is good at blocking) he ended up with an adult caution but its still our fault!

i refuse to accept responsibility for apparent grown ups acting badly and i will not inflict them on my children

I see many women on MN say that when we have a baby it is not our property, it does not belong to us, but in fact belongs to the whole family. I've always found that a bit of an odd stance if I'm honest. My baby is mine, nobody else's (bar DH of course

As parents you have to do what you judge to be best for him/her and if you really think a relative poses a risk to the child's well being, then it is right to go NC.
However some people use their DC as pawns.The baby doesn't really belong to parent .He/she is their own person and should be allowed to build their own relationships separate from their parents.

"I think this is a bit over the top. Unless those grandparents are child abusers or like, a short contact once in a while wouldn't do any harm
You don't have to live with them and obey them".

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

Many such inherently emotionally unhealthy people who want their own way all the time and want control also use their grandchildren to get back at the parents.

No, you do not have to live with them but you're certainly expected to obey them!.

I'm sure my dad could spin a tear-jerking tale too. The reality is tho is that he's an abusive alcoholic narc who treats my children as his personal property, and me as something that needs kicking out of the way if I stand between him and his wants.

It's not even as tho he's that bothered by them on the rare occasions we do meet up. They're now they're past the stage of sitting on his lap adoringly and he's not interested in talking to them about their lives or playing games with them. He also can't be left alone with them because he'd sooner risk their safety and welfare than accept being told how to look after them properly.

Plenty of parents are utter cunts, and they don't stop doing it just because they become grand-parents.

Everyone I know who had gone non-contact with a grandparent has not done it lightly.

Usually, they have tried to keep contact going for too long, to the detriment to themselves and sometimes their DC too.

I think the idea that there are sad old GPs out there, being denied contact when they have done nothing wrong is far too easy.

'A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.'

My DP's parents are like this, dysfunctional, really weird ideas about education and achievement (MIL particularly actively encourages her children not to work or educate themselves and to live on benefits) and have drug and alcohol problems. He has grown up in a toxic family environment and it is really hard getting people who have grown up this way to realise how messed up it actually is. People also don't want to admit their parents are/were unfit. I am wanting to minimise contact with the dysfunctional members of his family as much as possible but they are also the type who think because they are family that comes before everything else.

They will not be looking after my child alone and DP knows this, its still hard for him to hear though but his parents never put him and his siblings first and really messed them up, why should I give them the chance to do that with my child?

But if grandparents are now legally allowed to make claims to see the grandchildren, surely their wants can't be held above the parents? Surely a Court can't order parents to allow the Grandparents to have contact if it isn't what the parents want??

And then where does it end?
Do aunts and uncles have legal rights too?

I have yet to meet a parent that cut off a grand parent from seeing their child without a good reason for it. Shit parents turn into shit grandparents.

Lovely Edith in the nursing home who always smiles and shares her cookies is not the typical person being cut off from family.

Writer, I may be wrong, but I think the legal aspect is for GP who no longer have contact through their child's marriage break up.

Every single GP was "oh it's horrid, we argued, not seem grandchildren for 2 years, I didn't do anything"

Hmmmm, so why were you arguing and what about?! It's usually something pretty big to end in two years NC!!

"I have yet to meet a parent that cut off a grand parent from seeing their child without a good reason for it."

I know of cases where, following an acrimonious split with a partner, the parent with custody makes it incredibly difficult or even impossible for ex P and GPs to see the child; even though neither are any danger to the child and very much want them to remain in their lives.
Obviously there are lots of reasons, many legitimate, why a parent might not want a GP to see their DGCs (many outlined on this thread) but there are also situations where they are used as tools in a grudge match by the custodial parent.

Oh I see

As in the dad's parents still wanting to see their grandchildren even if the dad himself isn't allowed contact?

Are there women out there who stop the IL's seeing the children just because the marriage/relationship broke down? That surprises me actually.

Also, if grandparents had rights how would it work in my situ, we live 300 miles from GPs, they are all woe is me about how they don't see GCs, however they never visit us and we both work FT... We have to work, they are retired, and one if them would definitely take the bonkers view that she has a right to be seeing them more often!!

We visit around three times a year for weekends, it's all we can afford/manage what with everything else

Sometimes life just gets in the way, it's not a right for anyone to have access to a child, you earn that right by building a relationship

Yes, there are. It's awful and heartbreaking for the GPs but sometimes a mother (and it's usually the mum) just wants to break off all contact and association with her ex P and the GPs fall victim to this. It's not even always that the dad isn't allowed contact, sometimes he's a bastard who doesn't want contact. But that's not the GPs' fault and they shouldn't suffer such a huge deprivation because their son's a knob.

My DC haven't seen my mother for a year. If she can't be pleasant to me (long back story) I'm damn sure she is not getting to see my DC. She tells everyone she meets how horrible I am depriving her of contact ~ she lives 10mins away and I've never stopped her visiting but she never has ~ too much effort ~ life is easier and more relaxed without her and her dramas. It is sad but she brings nothing to our life's except upset. Previously I was NC for 6 years and wished I had never resumed this ~ I thought she had changed but evidently not

I'd like to see the statistics on how many are doing it out of 'spite' or genuine worry about detrimental affect on their dc's.

Most loving parents don't take this decision lightly, and yes, the 'I didn't do anything' or, 'it was nothing that couldn't have been sorted' really boils my piss.

Plus Phil saying, contact them via social media...