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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relatives to make allowances for ds naps?

103 replies

curlyHedgehog · 21/05/2014 18:56

I'm not sure if I'm BU here. I'm not overly close to my parents and brother, I speak to them on the phone and visit them every couple of months as they live a three hour drive away.

When I visited them this week they fancied going out for fish and chips for lunch, so I offered to drive and asked if we could go at noon as ds aged 2 normally has a nap at 1, so even if we were late back them hopefully he could have a nap at 130ish. They said they wanted to go at 1230, so I agreed, knowing ds would be quite grumpy through a late nap but not wanting an argument with them.

Then they said they would like to plan to stop by in a bakery on the way home and sit down in the cafe for cake. I asked if we could do that later in the afternoon, as I was hoping ds could have a nap after lunch as otherwise he'd be grumpy, I offered to drive us all back to the bakery for afternoon tea later on instead. They wouldn't accept my suggestion and were quite rude to me, saying I was causing problems etc, so I went along with their plan, ds slumped on me in the bakery, cried because he was tired and never had a chance to sleep as we weren't finished until 2pm. He was grumpy all afternoon which wasn't fun for him or me.

I think it would have been easy for my parents to have been more flexible and made my life much easier, there were no other plans for the afternoon. Whenever I visit them similar things happen, they aren't interested in making my life easier by fitting in lunchtimes etc, will insist that ds should have tea at 7pm etc when they want to eat and object if I want to feed him earlier (he usually eats at 5pm) as apparently children and parents need to be flexible Hmm

Aibu and pfb?

OP posts:
makeminea6x · 21/05/2014 18:59

I don't think YABU. Toddlers and babies find it hard to be flexible, adults should not, in general.

Everyone has a nasty time if children are tired or hungry, adults should in general be able to conceal irritability caused by these things.

KeepSmiling83 · 21/05/2014 19:01

YANBU.

My DD is 3 and I always used to fit things round her naps. Others may want to be more flexible but my DD liked routine and was so much happier when she had a nap. You sound like you were reasonable and offered an alternative. I would have said I was driving home and if they wanted to go to the bakery then they could make their own way back! But I have never had to deal with anything like that as my parents have always been flexible with me and DD!

ROARmeow · 21/05/2014 19:02

they were being very rude.

But if you see them so infrequently it'll not do your DS any harm to have them disrupt his timings.

YANBU

tumbletumble · 21/05/2014 19:04

YANBU because you were driving so you can choose what time is most convenient for you and DS. It would be slightly different if you were relying on a lift from them when I think some compromise / flexibility is reasonable.

Pugaboo · 21/05/2014 19:19

I think YANBU but before I had children I probably would have thought YABU and a bit precious (I didn't understand children go crazy when they're tired). Maybe they've forgotten what it's like.

CoffeeTea103 · 21/05/2014 19:23

Yanbu, your little one must have been quite miserable. I think it was really selfish to not accommodate their own grandchild. Surely cake and tea could wait, and you even offered to drive them back later on.

Ragwort · 21/05/2014 19:23

I do think parents should try and be a little more flexible with children's routines - I mean how does your DS know it is 1pm exactly and time for his nap Hmm - however I think your parents were equally rude and ungracious.

So I guess you are all a little bit unreasonable Grin.

TruJay · 21/05/2014 19:25

DHs family used to be like this, it drove me insane. If DS was sleeping SIL, who is very very loud used to make comments like "don't think im gonna be quiet just because YOUR kid is sleeping"

other SIL and family members get really annoyed if we don't keep DC up late for family events. We're 'too strict' apparently! I don't give a monkeys, they're not the ones that have to deal with the aftermath of disturbed routine! We as parents put so much effort into our children's routines and its annoying when people can't respect them.

I used to just go with what others wanted but it just never worked for me or DC so i stopped, i got a lot of comments about ME being selfish Hmm

i don't care now though and they're not as bad as they once were and if something cant work with my DCs routine then i don't do it.
i find its usually childless people that have the issue or people with grown up children who have conveniently forgotten what its like with babies and young children.

ThatBloodyWoman · 21/05/2014 19:26

Yanbu.

I don't think they'd forget what its like.
Once you know, you know, and family flexibility isn't a lot to hope for.

KatieKaye · 21/05/2014 19:28

I know who is being childish here - and it isn't the 2 year old!
(it isn't you either, OP!)
Your parents sound rather hard work. Maybe you should treat them like a child and give them choices:
They get dropped off at café and make own way home
OR
You all go together later on.

They were just being silly and selfish and putting themselves first for no good reason.

Nomama · 21/05/2014 19:28

I'd have been tempted to let him scream the place down for a short while and then take him out/all the way home leaving them in the bakery with their precious cake!

Sometimes family can make you despair. And it sounds as though yours has forgotten how to play nice. Maybe you should reduce contact even firther... tell them you will visit again when your DC is old enough to behave according to their rules. Don't forget to ask them to specify what that age would be.

OK, I know you won't. But every girl should have a quiet, family slaying fantasy Smile

LemonPipLimePeel · 21/05/2014 19:29

next time, take two vehicles. When you need to leave to put your lo to bed, you can. They get to stay and lounge about, child free, and you get to follow a needed routine. While your lo naps, you can get a bit of time to yourself.

uptheauntie · 21/05/2014 19:31

YANBU.

I'm don't understand why grandparents are like this. DDs arr too. Can't they understand it is more fun for everyone when children are rested up!

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 21/05/2014 19:36

YANBU. Absolutely not.

If I were you though, I would have been very clear. My son needs a nap. It is cruel to deprive him of one due to his age. Period.

sunshinecity17 · 21/05/2014 19:37

wow I am going to go against the grain.Babies and toddlersare really flexible.They will fall asleep anywhere if that's what they have been used to.If your DS he was tired he would have just dropped to sleep in the car.
My 5 children are a bit older now, but I have never organised my life around their naps. some parents make a rod for their own back by training their kids to only sleep in their cot in the dark and in silence.All nursery babies sleep with noise going on round them because they are used to it.
Op what are you going to do if you have more children and the baby has to fit in around them?

TheScience · 21/05/2014 19:41

Your parents were unneccessarily inflexible, but is there any reason your DS couldn't have a nap at 2?

He's 2 years old - staying up an hour longer surely isn't the end of the world?

Paddingtonthebear · 21/05/2014 19:41

Yanbu. If kids are tired after lunch and usually sleep at a certain time on a daily basis then it's fairly obvious that they will know when that time is. It's the human body clock. It's all very well saying that little kids need to fit in with adults, except they are little kids and not adults. They get more tired, need to eat more regularly than us due to burning their energy, they don't understand compromise! I don't understand why some adults insist on dragging their little kids around to adult things, overtired, hungry and miserable, just so they "fit in to our routine". No, you don't have to let your children rule your life but when they are little, you actually have to adapt to them more!

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 21/05/2014 19:44

The driver wins / has final say on times regardless of naps

(I don't drive btw)

TheScience · 21/05/2014 19:46

As much as I love a routine, I've not known a child with a routine so rigid that it can't be an hour out on occasion.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/05/2014 19:51

This isn't about naps, it's about people who don't want to have to factor in a consideration of others needs.

A toddler who needs a nap at a certain time isn't able to be as flexible as an adult who can nudge timings about without a negative effect upon their day.

So they are being selfish.

NutellaLawson · 21/05/2014 19:51

not all toddlers are flexible. Some can fall asleep anywhere (I was one of those) as long as they are tired enough and some just can't and everyone suffers for it (my sis and also ds2. wail wail howl howl at every tiny thing). What ends up happening is an overtired and cranky, unhappy toddler who can't quite articulate why they feel so awful. For some children (and in fact people) conditions need to be right for sleeping. ever been on a long haul flight in economy and sitting there wide eyed yet tired beyond all comprehension? If not, lucky you but I imagine that awful feeling is what toddlers go through when they can't nap so I'm not surprised they bawl their heads off at the slightest thing.

There is no point saying 'I can easily fall asleep on a plane' as some sort of proof that someone else can too.

trufflesnout · 21/05/2014 19:51

Mm. You are being a little U and rigid. Yes it's not fun to be out with a grumpy child in tow, but it's also not fun being stuck inside because of said child. You only see your parents once every few months so I think it's unreasonable on your part that it's an issue - your DS is 2, what's the big deal?

Equally there sounds like there's backstory so many you aren't BU at all

trufflesnout · 21/05/2014 19:52

*Maybe, not many.

Nomama · 21/05/2014 19:55

Absolutely Atrocious. It is about playing nicely. GPs could have been less tiresome and OP could have been less persistent. But still, a kid is a kid and I'd do anything to avoid a scream......

TruJay · 21/05/2014 19:58

I agree with u sunshine that they are flexible IF they still have the opportunity to nap wherever they are. But from the OP i got that there was never the chance for OPs ds to nap.

with my dc i either put them down for their naps at home or in pram if out and about but i always work it so that they nap around the same time each day iykwim