Aibu to expect relatives to make allowances for ds naps?

[curlyHedgehog]

I'm not sure if I'm BU here. I'm not overly close to my parents and brother, I speak to them on the phone and visit them every couple of months as they live a three hour drive away.

When I visited them this week they fancied going out for fish and chips for lunch, so I offered to drive and asked if we could go at noon as ds aged 2 normally has a nap at 1, so even if we were late back them hopefully he could have a nap at 130ish. They said they wanted to go at 1230, so I agreed, knowing ds would be quite grumpy through a late nap but not wanting an argument with them.

Then they said they would like to plan to stop by in a bakery on the way home and sit down in the cafe for cake. I asked if we could do that later in the afternoon, as I was hoping ds could have a nap after lunch as otherwise he'd be grumpy, I offered to drive us all back to the bakery for afternoon tea later on instead. They wouldn't accept my suggestion and were quite rude to me, saying I was causing problems etc, so I went along with their plan, ds slumped on me in the bakery, cried because he was tired and never had a chance to sleep as we weren't finished until 2pm. He was grumpy all afternoon which wasn't fun for him or me.

I think it would have been easy for my parents to have been more flexible and made my life much easier, there were no other plans for the afternoon. Whenever I visit them similar things happen, they aren't interested in making my life easier by fitting in lunchtimes etc, will insist that ds should have tea at 7pm etc when they want to eat and object if I want to feed him earlier (he usually eats at 5pm) as apparently children and parents need to be flexible

Aibu and pfb?

DS (17m) has only ever been able to nap in his cot in a dark room. He has never yet fallen asleep in his pram or the car and I have just accepted that it's just him.
From this I accept that I either let him nap in his cot each lunchtime or suffer the consequences of a very grumpy boy if he doesn't sleep. I love him dearly, but he is not a pleasure to be around when over tired he quickly descends into a screaming mess.

People have told me allsorts over the last 17m - he's manipulating me, their kids didn't nap after 6m, don't give in to his every whim etc...

It took me a while to be confident enough to say that he's my son and I'll do what makes my life easier what is best for him

I'm going against the majority. If you only see your parents once every couple of months it's a bit much that everything you do has to revolve round a toddler's routine. It might seem easier to have a rigid routine but in the end it sometimes becomes a rod for your own back.

YANBU.

But on this thread, anyone who says "kids can sleep anywhere" and "why can't they just stay awake for an hour or two longer" is BVU

Your child might sleep wherever. Your child might not get too upset if kept awake another hour or two. Yours - not all.

Who wants to spend a day with a tired, upset, unhappy child for the sake of eating half an hour earlier than usual and trying to find a compromise?

I think as others have said the problem was more the trying to do everything around the time toddler would be wanting to sleep.

To me, lunch at 12 sounds ridiculous tbh-now that I'm no longer up early with youngsters!

Going out for f&c and then wanting to go out for cake as well-just too much eating out!

Now I like eating out as much as the next person but either or both of those are easily brought back to the house to be enjoyed there!

we are go with the flow types - it fit in well with our kids, some need routine, ours didn't - and did sleep anywhere... perhaps the "routine requirers" should also realise that some kids don't need one and that it is not that uncommon...

I think both sides need to be a bit more flexible....

SOME parents use "routine" when they want full control of time/place/who can be present etc....... (I have 2 "friends" who do this)

SOME GP also want full control... and don't see why they should change their plans over a toddler's needs...

I used to be rigid with DD's naps, then I realised that this meant only having a tiny frame of opportunity to do stuff. I started to be less rigid and after a few lots of hellish outings she eventually started to adapt and nap in her pushchair. It can be done and it does make life a lot easier and give you more flexibility. Saying that, she dropped her naps way before two and a half, so then I was rushing home early from things to get her to bed super early as she added the two hours on to her night time sleep so it's all swings and roundabouts. Now she's four I really miss those naps when she's chewing my ear off all day .

My mum used to do this, until she saw how much better behaved DS was when he ate at a sensible time, and went to bed at a reasonable hour!

Don't think you were being unreasonable, as your parents will have a much nicer time with your son if he is well rested!

It's shame your family are so far away, I like people who live about 1.5 hours away, as that is a good drive with small children!

I've got 3 DCs, DS1 would sleep anywhere, as would DS2 but DD is a different story. She's also rubbish at giving sleep cues and has a really narrow window in which to get her down. Whoever said DC3 was was easy was lying! So OP, you are nbu, all children are different!

YANBU
Its your kids you know what sleep he needs.
But sometimes they do surprise you and get through with no grizzling.
My DD generally doesnt sleep in pushchair. I am surprised at people putting them down for nap in there? How would you do that?
You cannot train them to do this. Sometimes you can exhaust them into it.
My 2yo up at 8 stayed awake at longleat until we drove home at about 5 where fell asleep in car seat.

The previous time we tried to arrange the day so she would sleep in pushchair at x time and she wouldnt did the same as above nearly but was asleep in pushchair at 4pm when we wanted to leave.
Some just get more involved in whats going on. Some are more prone to tantrums

I think YABU, I know what it's like to have toddlers who need to nap at a certain time but sometimes other things get in the way.
I generally try and arrange things around nap times but I wouldn't force my routine on other people either.

I wouldn't try and completely force a routine on other people either - but I do feel it's perfectly reasonable to say that your DC normally naps somewhere around 1ish and they'll probably be very unhappy if that's not possible. It's less forcing a routine than just explaining.

I'm not surprised you aren't close to your parents. They sound horrible. Really horrible.

BTW I think travelling three hours every couple of months is quite an effort and I would knock that on the head soon!

Stay at home without selfish gits.

A little PFB but jeez, anything for a quiet life when they are that age really. More fool your parents for being so inflexible

In your shoes, I'd just have fed him at home at 12 and then taken him for fish and chips with the family. With luck he'd have crashed in the car and managed a quiet transfer to a buggy.

YANBU and I feel cross on your behalf and very sorry for you.

My DS was exactly the same. My family were wonderful and always understood that he was a child who liked routine and that if he didn't have his nap, he was pretty awful to be around. DS was a complete angel child if he slept and ate at routine times. We just fitted in around him. It wasn't hard.

On the other hand, my inlaws were totally inflexible, ate when they wanted to eat, couldn't understand why DS needed a nap in the day, and then expected him to stay up past bed time to eat with the family at stupid-0'clock. As a result, they only ever saw the worst of DS and I swear it affected their relationship with him. He was always grumpy, tired and/or hungry. Even worse, their other grandson is 5 months older, could cope with any change in routine whatsoever, and the contrast was appalling. They are now both 6 and thank goodness DS is able to stay up till 8pm to eat dinner without too much fall-out. He still doesn't like it much though.

I feel for you. I think grown-ups should be able to cope and change their plans to suit little ones. It makes life so much more pleasant!

But op already made a change to the nap time to suit their plans.
Even a small deviation from routine can be a struggle for some babies/ toddlers.
Notwithstanding a medical need to eat (which can actually be resolved without everyone joining in for cake after lunch) it's easier for adults to compromise on this kind of thing.

Tbh I f
Still find it a PITA when my DM insists on lunching out when we visit and even if she visits us with our 2 small DCs. It's so much easier to be at home so they can play. Sme ppl think nothing of expecting a couple of toddlers to sit quietly doing colouring for three hours while they sit and chat and knock back yet another glass of Sancerre.
Nightmare.

I don't think it's forcing your routine on anyone.
"do you mind if we don't go out for cake directly after fish and chips because my ds, (who is still actually a baby, and who is your grandson) will be tired and fractious with your arrangement a d that will make me stressed and miserable."

"yes. I do mind. I want cake when I want it."

Gosh, you took your toddler on a six hour round trip to see grandparents who couldn't be a little flexible to allow your child to nap thus resulting in a miserable child? Fuck that for a game of soilders.

Yanbu. And everyone who says toddlers and babies can sleep anywhere are being unreasonable too - just because yours did doesn't mean they all do!

Both my dc (11 years apart) would only ever sleep in a dark silent room in a cot. I didn't plan it that way. I wanted one of the babies you see slumped fast asleep in a buggy in Costa while mum has a nice cake... despite all my best attempts it never happened. The minute the buggy stopped as small babies they woke up and howled. And then as they got older they just wouldn't sleep.

Ds once went 12 hours with no nap aged 4 months because we dared to venture out for the day. I kid you not.

However... to balance it out I guess I have had it easier than many as despite their rigid desires for timed naps in their cots they have both slept well, sleeping through from about 12 weeks.

I don't change their naps for anyone. I just don't go out at that time and make sure I am home. Otherwise all hell breaks out and they just get more and more cranky. Ds is 2 now and still has a 2 hour nap from 12.30-2.30 so it's either lunch before and then home or just don't bother. I don't care to be honest I enjoy the nap rest time more than the going out!

Family have to fit in or we don't visit.

I doubt many people have a stopwatch set that says "okay! Its nap time!!". People misunderstand most routines I think.

My children both got tired around the same time every day. That isn't a routine I imposed on them - they just would run out of steam right around the same time each day. So naturally, knowing when one of my children is likely to start crying and getting upset, I try to organize around that a bit. Hardly makes the OP rigid and unreasonable to do this - its just good planning IMO.

The people without the crying toddler should be the flexible ones.

Yanbu

My mil drives me mad because although she is a god send and has my dd twice a week when I'm at work and an amazing nana - she won't put Charlotte down for a proper nap in the day if she wants to go out shopping etc meaning when she gets home in the evening, and she's only had a 20 min nap in the car, she has a total melt down on me and is just in a horrible mood. It drives me mad!

I find it laughable the number of people with flexible children who insist that all children can be this way.

I, like a pp would have liked the zonked out in the pram baby while I enjoyed a coffee but you know what, it's not the child I got. I got asked to leave the coffee shop when i attempted it as DS was so screamy. In his pram he was disturbing other customers, and me bouncing him was disturbing other customers.

DS has, from birth been taken Out in both the pram and the car daily and in 17m has yet to sleep in either but feel free all you 'experts' who can do it so much better than me, do come and show me!!!

OP had driven 3 hours to see parents and faces another 3 back, is it really so unreasonable of her to ask they eat lunch around the baby's routine - I think not.

I do know a couple of people who say their kids work around anything. Was always a bit in awe of the flexible go anywhere do anything nature of these children. Just realised they are all the kids who still take over an hour to get to sleep at night! I can't keep DD awake all day and sat nicely in Costa whilst I have a coffee, but she goes up to bed and falls asleep like clockwork, so I guess I'll take that! :-D

Actually I do have a child, DS is eight! He went to nursery full time aged two, and I can't remember naps being a part of his routine when he went there full time. I remember him distinctly napping up until about 18 months old. He's always been a fairly flexible child when it comes to taking him places and sleep times. Maybe I had it easy or maybe parental neuroticism plays a part?

You have one child, wow such a large sample to base your anecdotal theory on

parental neuroticism
Is that your view of the reason some most babies don't nap on command?
Or that those babies would be factious if they don't sleep when they need to?
Or is it just your view of parents who dare to put any thought into what might be best for their baby meaning they won't pander to all the whims of grown adults and their routines/ whims.