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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relatives to make allowances for ds naps?

103 replies

curlyHedgehog · 21/05/2014 18:56

I'm not sure if I'm BU here. I'm not overly close to my parents and brother, I speak to them on the phone and visit them every couple of months as they live a three hour drive away.

When I visited them this week they fancied going out for fish and chips for lunch, so I offered to drive and asked if we could go at noon as ds aged 2 normally has a nap at 1, so even if we were late back them hopefully he could have a nap at 130ish. They said they wanted to go at 1230, so I agreed, knowing ds would be quite grumpy through a late nap but not wanting an argument with them.

Then they said they would like to plan to stop by in a bakery on the way home and sit down in the cafe for cake. I asked if we could do that later in the afternoon, as I was hoping ds could have a nap after lunch as otherwise he'd be grumpy, I offered to drive us all back to the bakery for afternoon tea later on instead. They wouldn't accept my suggestion and were quite rude to me, saying I was causing problems etc, so I went along with their plan, ds slumped on me in the bakery, cried because he was tired and never had a chance to sleep as we weren't finished until 2pm. He was grumpy all afternoon which wasn't fun for him or me.

I think it would have been easy for my parents to have been more flexible and made my life much easier, there were no other plans for the afternoon. Whenever I visit them similar things happen, they aren't interested in making my life easier by fitting in lunchtimes etc, will insist that ds should have tea at 7pm etc when they want to eat and object if I want to feed him earlier (he usually eats at 5pm) as apparently children and parents need to be flexible Hmm

Aibu and pfb?

OP posts:
CrohnicallyHungry · 21/05/2014 19:58

sunshine not all babies and toddlers are that flexible. Once Dd reached around a year old, she decided she wasn't going to nap properly anywhere other than her cot. I've tried waiting her out, figuring she had to sleep some time, and it did not end well.

If need be she will stay awake (and be a miserable, whingy, snotty mess) until 5 o'clock or so, at which point she will fall asleep in her dinner, which then messes up bedtime. As she falls asleep late that night, she gets up for nursery still tired. Meaning she is a miserable, whingy, snotty mess at nursery, and overtired by the time she gets home. Meaning she will scream the place down at nap time and refuse to sleep until she eventually falls asleep in her dinner... And so on. If I'm really lucky, she will wake every 2-3 hours during the night because she is overtired. And I can't catch up on my sleep during the day because she's refusing to nap.

It can take my DD days to get her routine back on track if it has been disrupted.

So yeah, unless you are the one dealing the consequences of the disrupted routine, you should keep quiet and let the parents get on with it.

Artandco · 21/05/2014 20:35

Could he not have just napped at 2pm when back? And keep up hour later if needed

JockTamsonsBairns · 21/05/2014 20:41

Who the hell's got room for cake after eating fish n chips Shock

PrincessBabyCat · 21/05/2014 20:44

I don't have experience with toddlers (yet!), but we don't leave to travel somewhere until DD wakes up from her nap and eats otherwise she cries the whole car ride. If this causes us to be late, oh well. It's not worth the fussing all night.

But other than car rides, she'll sleep anywhere if we're holding her. If she's like that as a toddler I can be flexible with time. But if she needs a nap at 1:00pm on the dot and it will throw off her sleep schedule, I'm leaving her with whoever disrupted her schedule for the night until they get her back on track. Then when they understand we can talk about meeting again at an acceptable time. :)

mercibucket · 21/05/2014 20:46

it is very tiresome when people live their lives round nap time but as a one off it wouldnt have been too hard for your parents to bite their tongues either
so you were both unreasonable

Joysmum · 21/05/2014 20:51

I couldn't have been so inflexible with my daughter and my friends were all flexible with their kids too. Given you don't see them that often I'd have thought one day of flexibility would have been called for.

weatherall · 21/05/2014 20:57

Sunshine city - lucky for you that your DCs would sleep anywhere . One of mine would only sleep in her cot. It was a nightmare but otherwise she'd scream all afternoon.

Some kids are just like that.

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 21/05/2014 21:00

Babies and toddlersare really flexible.They will fall asleep anywhere if that's what they have been used to.If your DS he was tired he would have just dropped to sleep in the car.

There is ALWAYS someone who says this on these threads. It's simply not true for all babies. My first could sleep anywhere at the drop of a hat. My second, . Would not sleep anywhere except his bed. The routine was the only thing that saved us.

YANBU, OP.

stealthsquiggle · 21/05/2014 21:06

My DC were pretty flexible about where and when they sleeping, but I

stealthsquiggle · 21/05/2014 21:11

Gah. Pressed send too soon,

..I do get that not all DC are, so now you know that your family are a collective PITA about this, OP, next time you can say "ok! fine! let's go wherever! but we need to take 2 cars so that I can bring DS back if he gets too tired" - that way you can judge how far you can bend his routine, and duck out as and when you need to (plus have only you and him in the car so there is a good chance he will sleep in the car). It's about making sure that they don't have to bend to your routine, but neither do you have to chuck it out the window completely.

We have friends with routine-needing small DC and this is what they do when they come to stay - if they need to feed DC early, they go ahead and do that. If we are going out somewhere and DC are still asleep, we will go ahead and they catch up after nap.

Montegomongoose · 21/05/2014 21:18

I think YABU expecting your hosts to change their plans; I really don't think toddlers are so inflexible in a one-off situation.

I think your parents ABU for demanding a bakery trip straight after fish and chips.

If you seriously cannot deviate by an hour or so from your routine, then it might be best not to be a guest anywhere until your children are able to cope.

whiteblossom · 21/05/2014 21:18

YANBU. My parents would have done what's best for my ds- their GC. As long as he is happy they are happy.

IL's however....but god forbid they don't get their sleep/rest but sod the GC, why on earth would we consider him? They have not seen him in over three years now due to their own doing.

Every child is different and you have to do whats right for yours.

I second what jock says. fish chips AND bloody cake!!

DizzyKipper · 21/05/2014 21:23

When my daughter was a really little baby I specifically didn't change what I was doing as I wanted to make sure she could sleep anywhere and everywhere, regardless of the noise. It would be bright, music would be on or I'd be doing the hoovering, whatever. She was fine. And then suddenly one day it just switched. It really was literally as though a switch had been flipped inside her brain and all of a sudden she needed peace and quiet to get to sleep, and if she couldn't then her overtired tantrums were the worst thing you could imagine. So no, not all babies/toddlers will sleep anywhere - and it isn't necessarily the parents fault if they can't!

On account of knowing how awful an over tired toddler can be I don't think OP is being unreasonable. Screaming toddlers aren't fun for anyone, you're not just trying to make things easier for your child, you're also trying to keep everything as pleasant as possible for everyone else! I don't get why people don't get that. I've also been accused of spoiling my daughter because I wasn't prepared to keep her up a lot later than her bedtime after what was already going to be an extremely exciting and tiring day for her - with it being very likely she'd hardly nap during it as well. It's as though people think you're lying - but maybe it's just easier to put it on the parents and think the worst of them rather than believe what they're saying might actually be true and they need some consideration.

ThornOfCamorr · 21/05/2014 21:28

YADNBU not at all. I really do not understand the attitudes of some people expecting a toddler to be flexible or nap whenever wherever. We wouldn't and I have always stuck to my guns as far as my children are concerned. I do not give a monkeys what family or friends think. Fortunately most of the time they have been lovely and accommodating if any of my 3 DC have had to nap,eat at a certain time etc. Equally if there have been very special occasions where it would be to difficult for the children to nap such as a wedding or special meal we have also dealt with having grumpy babies or toddlers in order not to spoil a special day. Ironically we couldn't really be part of it due to hungry/ overtired DC but did it and with a smile Grin for your family day there wasn't any reason they couldn't be kind and work around your toddler. Your family were BU!

fairylightsintheloft · 21/05/2014 21:29

but the OP isn't saying she was totally inflexible, she DID allow for an hour later and it all went tits. As ever there is a happy medium between "babies and toddlers can sleep anywhere, a routine is too rigid" and "only sleeps in cot, in the dark, in silence". DS stopped napping v early but DD (3) still does better if she has a little catnap somewhere, usually now in the car, so if I can tweak the day slightly to allow that, then I do. When they were smaller, they did sleep in cot, buggy or car but still at roughly similar times each day and we tried hard to accomodate it. Adults can cope with the idea, you can't explain it to a baby.

Appletini · 21/05/2014 23:11

YANBU but I think you are being way too weak about this. Why are you asking for this and saying you want that and not just telling them? It sounds like your presenting it as a choice. Just put your foot down already.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/05/2014 23:17

couldn't your ds nap in his buggy

I can never understand children having to be at home to nap

ThaneOfScunthorpe · 22/05/2014 00:02

Freudian do you think you could TRY to understand that not all babies/children/people are the same?

Jinsei · 22/05/2014 00:09

Lots of people in this country seem to believe that small kids can't survive if they don't stick to a rigid routine, whereas I've lived in other cultures where it's the norm for kids to just go with the flow and the concept of a routine would be considered bizarre! I suspect that the ideal approach is somewhere in the middle.

You do sound a bit precious, OP, but your parents also sound rather petty and inflexible.

And I agree that cake after fish and chips sounds awful! Shock

FloozeyLoozey · 22/05/2014 00:18

Isn't 2 a bit old to still be napping during the day?

hotteaorcoldwine · 22/05/2014 01:15

Take it you dont have kids Floozey... :-)

Am also Shock at eating cake after fish and chips (missing point of thread).

Op I was very like you. GPS would get impatient at times...now I'm onto no. 3 and generally there's so much chaos going on that they will sleep anywhere.

toobreathless · 22/05/2014 01:21

Tbh you both sound as bad as each other.

They could have been more flexible and sound set in their ways & hard work.

You sound high maintenance & PFB.

Pugaboo · 22/05/2014 06:11

My son is exactly the same DizzyKipper - one day just refused to sleep unless in his cot in the dark or in the car. Even then we'll sometimes go on long car journeys at nap time and he'll cry rather than sleep as there's too much to look at. He seems to find it very hard to switch off.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 22/05/2014 06:18

Yep, cake after fish and chips...that in itself is worth a thread.

Those who talk about no routine and children going with the flow, I think aren't quite remembering or realising the consequences of a child being overtired. It is an unhappy experience, for all.

We, as adulta, in the main, all have routines, and very similar they are too. So what is wrong with a child having a routine? Especially If it allows them to enjoy the day so much more than if they hadn't.

We seem to expect so much from babies and children. Gebrrally speaking, we need a bed, peace and darkness to sleep well, but expect our children to be able to sleep whenever, whenever in any level of noise. A 2 year is far too aware of his environment for that kind of sleep to be expected. My son at three can sleep anywhere. My daughter requires the peace of a monastery, the darkness of a windowless room and her own cot.

When I had children, I never expected my life to continue as normal and for my children to fit around me. Consequently, I have loved motherhood. I work around my children, sometimes I miss out, but its not really missing out. It's being a parent.

Annarose2014 · 22/05/2014 06:46

I expect they just don't remember what babies are like, and expected he could be flexible, given he was two years old.

I went on holiday with a couple last year - they had the only car, and insisted we be back in the house every day at 4 for the nap. Then the nap/feed would take an hour or more etc., and then it was "time to make dinner". And we'd realise that we wouldn't be going out to dinner cos of toddler's bedtime. So we stayed in every night.

So here we were, in a fabulous foreign country, and we had to leave wherever we were at 3.00/3.30 every day to go back home for the rest of the day. And watch foreign telly cos there was nothing within walking distance. Whilst the parents cooed contentedly over baby all evening. It sucked for us, frankly. We weren't parents and had absolutely no idea this was going to happen!

(Lesson learned: when vacationing with parents, hire your own car!)