Aibu to expect relatives to make allowances for ds naps?

[curlyHedgehog]

I'm not sure if I'm BU here. I'm not overly close to my parents and brother, I speak to them on the phone and visit them every couple of months as they live a three hour drive away.

When I visited them this week they fancied going out for fish and chips for lunch, so I offered to drive and asked if we could go at noon as ds aged 2 normally has a nap at 1, so even if we were late back them hopefully he could have a nap at 130ish. They said they wanted to go at 1230, so I agreed, knowing ds would be quite grumpy through a late nap but not wanting an argument with them.

Then they said they would like to plan to stop by in a bakery on the way home and sit down in the cafe for cake. I asked if we could do that later in the afternoon, as I was hoping ds could have a nap after lunch as otherwise he'd be grumpy, I offered to drive us all back to the bakery for afternoon tea later on instead. They wouldn't accept my suggestion and were quite rude to me, saying I was causing problems etc, so I went along with their plan, ds slumped on me in the bakery, cried because he was tired and never had a chance to sleep as we weren't finished until 2pm. He was grumpy all afternoon which wasn't fun for him or me.

I think it would have been easy for my parents to have been more flexible and made my life much easier, there were no other plans for the afternoon. Whenever I visit them similar things happen, they aren't interested in making my life easier by fitting in lunchtimes etc, will insist that ds should have tea at 7pm etc when they want to eat and object if I want to feed him earlier (he usually eats at 5pm) as apparently children and parents need to be flexible

Aibu and pfb?

I'm don't understand why grandparents are like this. DDs arr too. Can't they understand it is more fun for everyone when children are rested up!

Some Grandparents, not all or even most. I'm a new grandparent and am quite happy to work around my daughter's schedule.

My inlaws learnt the hard way when they insisted we bring DS1 (aged 1) to a posh birthday meal during nap time. I did warn them and offer to stay at home but no, it would be fine because the restaurant had a high chair.

The end result was DS1 screaming the restaurant down, from outside in a snow storm. Couldn't stay in the room, couldn't really walk around outside in sub zero temp with no visibility. The tutting was audible :) We couldn't just leave as there were not enough car space for other family to get back home.

Felt sorry for everyone including us. DH now goes on his own which is much more workable for all.

He seems to find it very hard to switch off.

That is a perfect way to put it! DD can't either, if it's not dark, quiet and boring then she just can't get to sleep! She wants to be in everything or doing something, regardless of how tired she is. Is that really so difficult to understand?

YANBU
Your family were being inflexible and rude.
Why on earth couldn't they make a small change to their day? Outrageous.

I think you might need to be more direct with them. The way to get what you want is to be clear if the plan doesn't suit you and put your best offer on the table.
"yes, fish and chips would be lovely, I'll keep ds awake a little longer than normal and then he can sleep on the way back. No, we won't come to the bakery afterwards because. But we could go back later if you really need to stuff your faces with cake after fish and chips like"
The end.
Then to the protestations, use the MN favourites:"no, that doesn't work for us" or "fuck off"

Fish and chips that early in the day ?
YABU

This is more about the OP's parents taking the piss in turning a quick trip out into an all afternoon traipse around.

Are they non drivers? I often find that some people that do not drive expect to be chauffered all over the place if they have an apparently willing driver to take advantage of.

Couldn't you have quickly picked up the cakes to eat later on in the afternoon at your parent's house, thus allowing your LO to nap? I can't imagine anyone being ready for tea and cake so soon after a fish and chip lunch?

I suspect the parents of babies and toddlers will say YANBU

And the parents of older children and grown ups will say YABU

I remember how important naps were when mine were little. Now they're older, I can imagine finding parents with inflexible nap times a bit of a pita.

Flexibility needed on both sides and no excuse for rudeness from your family

I think that you all are quite inflexible really. Your dd at the age of two should be able to have his afternoon nap an hour or so later than usual if necessary. On the other hand it sounds as if they were being difficult for the sake of it.

I think they were BU because you were driving, not because of DS's naps.

I have never being so rigid with DC's naps or bedtimes. They had set naptimes and bedtimes as a rule but if i was going somewhere or we were visiting people then they either slept later, same time but in a car seat, pram or my arms or missed altogether.

My DC's are so flexible now that we can go anywhere at anytime. It definitely helped when when DD started school and i had to frequently wake DS1 and 2 up from their naps to pick her up.

All the people i have known in RL who were rigid with naps etc end up moaning when they get older that they are so inflexible and get cranky with the slightest change to a schedule.

And i am well aware that some babies wont sleep anywhere but a cot as DS1 wouldnt either. He just slept a little later in his cot or not at all. He has mild SN too but it still didnt cause his tooanynproblems other than being a bit grumpier before bed.

Yanbu at all. My family have seen for themselves what happens when dd is overtired and don't wish that on me! We work things around her naps and then everyone has a much more enjoyable time. She is chirpy and happy and they enjoy their time with her so much more. Your parents were being very selfish.

I have a 3 month old and a 3 year old and still think the OP is BU about not moving the nap an hour later.

Surely if you have more than one child you can't insist on every nap being in a cot, at an exact time?

Though even with my first, we weren't that rigid, despite him napping every day until he was 3.

I obviously know lots of other parents with toddlers and no one else is that inflexible either. In fact I met up with someone for lunch at 12 yesterday who has a 20 month old who usually naps in his cot at 11.30am... that day he had to have his nap at 1.30pm. Yes, he was a bit tired and grumpy by 1 but didn't combust. IME that's how most people approach baby/toddler routines so maybe the GPs assumed an hour of flexibility too?

curly: what saddens me about your post is I don't get the sense your parents were thrilled to see their grandchild. Given your parents only see you a few times a year its sad they're not trying to spend time playing with their grandchild.
Dd's GM is doting (and its reciprocal, dd adores her). GM doesn't care about going out for a meal or anything, she just wants to spend time playing with and caring for dd. She utterly delights in her, and even after losing her husband dd is the one person who is guaranteed to make her laugh.

My parents frankly sound a bit like yours. As a consequence I don't bother to make the 400 mile round trip to see them often and dd has no relationship with them.

If your parents genuinely want a relationship with their grandchild then do persevere with trying to find ways to meet them. Otherwise I'd be asking myself, why bother?

TBH I don't have a great deal of patience with parents who expect everyone to revolve around a strict routine and special conditions for DCs unless there's is a very good reason for I'd such as SN.

Did you not have a buggy with you that your DS could have napped in?

Having said that, your parents were pretty inflexible and it's a shame they couldn't have compromised and either gone out for lunch at the better time, or gone back for afternoon tea as suggested instead of having the entire day their way.

If they're always so unwilling to compromise I can understand your frustration.

YABU and PFB - It's the reason i never followed a routine such as this - It begins to dictate your daily plans, and in this case everybody elses.

Were you designated driver as you already had the car seat fitted in your car?

I've found in a situation like this the best thing is to keep yourself independant of the group you're with transport wise, so you can nip off if you need to without needing everyone to go with you. It is entirely reasonable for you to do whatever is best for your lo but also reasonable for others not to want to.

Since when is it 'PFB' (whatever that means) to not want your toddler to be tired and unhappy if it can be prevented?

If the OP's toddler was likely to sleep wherever/whenever or cope fine with no sleep, she probably wouldn't have had to start this thread.

Are parents 'PFB' if their toddlers wake throughout the night or wake at dawn?
Are parents 'PFB' if their toddlers take ages to settle at nursery?
Are parents 'PFB' if their toddlers are picky eaters?

Well dd is none of the above so I guess that makes me the perfect non-PFB parent. I'll make sure to post and let everyone know its all down to my parenting so they can feel even worse.

depends on the child my daughter could no nap unless she was moving however she slept all night so people thought i was being fussy taking her for a walk once a day to nap.......so i skipped it on visit day and she cried she cried because they gave her ice cream cake chocolate fruit veg toys you name it she wailed about it they took her for a drive she howled tried walking her she still howled because it was now way past her usual nap time i sat down had a cupper and let the experts get on with it for a fair few hours (they really made me feel like a useless parent and i had enough) basically i allowed my daughter to tantrum for almost four hours off and on then i stepped in took the food and toys away shushed her and told her enough (nicely) she sat on my lap quietly for the rest of the visit they didnt question the nap again

I think there was inflexibility on both sides. However, your parents sound very uncompromising and could have met you half way.

YANBU.

MIL is completely inflexible when we visit. DD(4) eats when MIL feels like feeding her. When the PILs visit us we have to eat at the time that they usually eat at home.

She says we're too strict, but if DD eats late she gets hungry and tired and starts crying.

In two minds. I have toddlers. It ruins my day when they are tired and irritable. I always plan them in our family outings.

That said, visiting gps is one day or one weekend out of many. If your arranging 350 naps across in a year and they miss one or two well in the scheme of things it's minuscule. Why can't you suck it up as you know in advance it will be like this or plan stuff so incidental naps achieved....?

Aaaargh very time we have one of these threads we get a Smuggy Von Smugerson "oh well I used to deliberately put mine on a random schedule of randomly timed naps or no naps and got them to nap on a bed of nails in the middle of a rock concert in a snowstorm and they were fine"

Bully for you. Your children could do that. My children could run about at 9 months, potty trained themselves very early and eat everything they are given. If yours don't I don't assume that that is because you are a bad lazy parent. I get that different children need different things and behave differently.

At that age my children needed a nap, ideally at about 1, and for 1-2 hours. If they had a one hour nap at 2pm they would cry hysterically about anything and everything until bedtime, which would be about 9pm. I don't know why they can't cope with it, but they just can't. I don't want to inflict that on anyone else or myself so I politely decline any invitations that don't fit in with what my children need.

Occasionally the GPs would get a bit arsey about my pedanticness at which point I would offer for them to take the child in question themselves to whatever they wanted to go to and keep them until bedtime ha ha ha suckers . They would return with haunted eyes and wouldn't complain again

*One hour nap at 3pm even.

OP do your parents drive? I think that in future it would be a good idea to travel separately from them in this kind of situation. Then if they need cake after fish and chips they can stop at the cafe without you.