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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He is a pedophile

146 replies

Friedbrain · 20/05/2014 19:16

Firstly, I apologise about the heading, I just didn't know how to word it.

I found out today that someone the children and I talk to is a convicted pedophile.
A parent at the school told me today, I asked how she knew and she had told me someone told her, she Google it and it was right there in front of my eyes.
A news website with him in it.

He has lots of dogs right next to the school, all the children talk to him about the dogs, think nice grandad down the park type.

I have obviously always been there when the children have spoken to him, and conversation is always about the dogs.

The children know about stranger danger and we have spoken lots about the under wear rule and feeling uncomfortable around someone and not to keep secrets in a very open way.

But how can you stop children talking to people..

Especially when this man is someone we see most days and they already know all the dogs names and stop and stroke them.

I am not a silly person.
I know about child protection and relevant laws etc...
Please don't knit pick about the heading or the spelling or something similar.

This is just a thread about how I discourage the children from talking to him..

I don't want them anywhere near him and they are not old enough to know why

What would you do?

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 21/05/2014 11:08

I'd be surprised if the school didn't awareness of the situation....given the close proximity.

What a shock.

Uptheanty · 21/05/2014 11:10

First of all I would call the police & make sure they are informed of his whereabouts.

Second of all I would be speaking to your dc honestly- within reason.

Tell them that while you thought he seemed like a nice person that you have found out that he is a bad person.
Tell them that you were told & then found out for FACT that he has been in trouble with the police.

Tell your dc that sometimes people who appear nice are not & they must not speak to him again & that he is NOT their friend.

Please do not model bad behavior & confuse your dc with the change in your behavior around him.
This is a golden opportunity to arm your dc against people like this man.

Do not be afraid.
Do not allow your dc to be afraid.
Knowledge is power.

LiberalLibertine · 21/05/2014 11:12

Oh crap, apologies fingers

BuzzardBird · 21/05/2014 11:20

I just need to add that I am shocked that convicted paedophiles are allowed to go/live within half a mile of a school. I say this because a convicted paedophile I know who has just been put away again for the second time was actually working in a place right next to a children's soft play area and was visiting us when we have dc in the house. I was under the impression there was supposed to be an exclusion zone? Does anyone know the actual law on this? I ask because I am very keen on his release that no other child comes into contact with him as my dc did.

Calloh · 21/05/2014 11:29

I would speak to the police and if it is him for sure then speak to your children as Up suggested and check the school know.

Do you think that if you see him talking to children you could say something calmly to him about him not doing that?naybe that's a a shit idea, I don't know.

But I agree with other posters that it should all be done calmly and not result in a group of vigilantes hunting him down.

AnythingNotEverything · 21/05/2014 13:02

Buzzard - it's all done on risk assessment. A convicted paedophile is not necessarily a risk to all children.

As a massive oversimplification, someone convicted of viewing images online is unlikely to kidnap a child from a park and abuse them.

If you're ever concerned about the risk a convicted offender poses to you or your family, speak to someone at your local Probation trust's Victim Services Unit (regardless of the current changes, victim services will continue in the public sector). The VSU works on behalf of existing AND potential victims.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm a paedophile apologist. I know something about this in a professional capacity.

Andrewofgg · 21/05/2014 13:11

In any event there are few places not within half of a mile of a school except some villages and children live there too.

Icimoi · 21/05/2014 13:14

There have been some dreadful tragedies with people being hounded because they are mistakenly identified as paedophiles.

But OP is not suggesting she hound him? she has asked us (MN) for advice. she has not gossiped, we should not assume that anyone who suspects somone is going to get them tarred and feathered?

No-one suggests for one moment that OP wants to hound this person. The point of the original post is that it isn't 100% clear that this person actually is the person whose picture the OP saw. I was pointing out that it is in no way unprecedented for people to make mistaken identifications from photographs, and that some of those cases have led to people being wrongly identified as paedophiles with awful consequences.

Therefore the OP needs to check through the police whether the identification is accurate, and in particular she needs to keep quiet.

AKeyFox · 21/05/2014 13:17

Have police commented yet ?

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2014 13:22

In your position Op I would clearly and specifically warn my children not to talk/approach with this man, because they may already view him as a safe and friendly adult due to their previous interaction with him.

BuzzardBird · 21/05/2014 13:54

Thank you Anything. I don't know the charge on tgr first prosecution but the second one was all charges on the scale and I was too scared to Google the scale. Op, is it possible that the man was convicted on what they class as the low risk offenders as mentioned by anything? In which case he would be allowed to move around freely it seems. This does not sit comfortably with me but is obviously the law as it is today.

BuzzardBird · 21/05/2014 13:57

Nomama · 21/05/2014 14:08

What I meant by don't talk about it is that you wouldn't know if there was anything happening behind the scenes.

Ring 101 and talk to them, take their advice. Then you will be able to make a sensible decision.

One experience I have had that is vaguely similar was when a man was suspected of behaving inappropriately towards a couple of children. One mother decided that she would best deal with him by telling everyone what she 'knew' about him. So she did. She contacted schools, Social Services, Parent and Toddler groups. All because they had a right to know that this man lived amongst them.

Sadly, because she had done this the year long investigation into his behaviour had to be scaled down/shelved. The police could no longer trust the information they were getting and his behaviour changed as he became aware that others knew about him.

Because a member of the public decided that everyone had a right to know that particular man was not arrested, not put on the register, was given further opportunity to offend.

So please, do not discuss this with school. At least not until you have spoke to your local team, 101 will put you in touch.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2014 14:21

OP was very clear that she knew this man was a convicted paedophile.

I think she would have said if it wasn't fact. She checked it out.

This issue at hand isn't whether some people are wrongly accused of it, it's what OP should do in this situation about this man.

OP, I agree with others who have said ring 101. I also think you should absolutely tell your dc that he is a bad man and why (age appropriate).

For example, if it were my ds7 I would say that he has hurt people in the past and been to prison for it. I see no sense in hiding behind the door about this sort of thing.

These people thrive on secrecy.

FWIW my town has been featured on a documentary because of the convicted paedophiles that live here (unusual circumstances too as there was an entire family of them).

One of them died recently of cancer but before that he used to sit outside and watch the primary school children go to and from school. Same time, every weekday. We knew what he was doing, police knew what he was doing. We have no Sarah's Law here and it was only from people passing on the information to me when I moved here (pre-documentary) and a helpful 'off the record' garda that I knew.

I told my children that he was a very bad man who hurts children. I said they were never, ever to even say hello to him because he didn't deserve for people to be nice to him and he would try to be nice so they would be tricked into thinking he was a good person.

What else could I do? I would rather be over-vigilant than for him to do something unforgiveable to my child.

I don't teach stranger danger. I teach them that most strangers are nice but some aren't. If I know for a FACT about the ones who aren't nice, then I tell them!

Bardolino · 21/05/2014 16:39

The OP has 'identified' this man as a paedophile based on a photo published on the internet at the time of his conviction. How long ago was that photo taken? How good is the quality of the photo? Does the OP know the name of the man she's labeling a paedophile? Is it the same as the man in the photo? Could he have a brother/cousin with the same or a similar name?

The OP has not 'identified' him or confirmed that he is a convicted paedophile. The best advice has already been given: contact the police non-emergency line.

MostWicked · 21/05/2014 17:17

the whole idea of stranger danger is daft. You need to concentrate on behaviour not stranger-ness

Completely agree. The term "stranger danger" needs banishing from existence.

OP, I think the Police and school are good places to get the information you need.

Icimoi · 21/05/2014 18:53

Waltermitty: what Bardolino said. Everyone keeps saying the OP has identified this man, when in fact all she is saying she has seen a picture of him in a news report on a website. She hasn't, for instance, once suggested that the name of the person in the news report was the same as the man's name, if indeed she knows it. I'm not saying she's wrong, I'm just saying she hasn't told us anything which tells us she's infallibly right.

TBH, it's quite worrying the number of people who take this identification as conclusive.

matildasquared · 21/05/2014 18:55

That's why the first step is to phone 101! Then the police can either take steps or get back to her saying, "No, you had the ID wrong."

Original poster

Friedbrain · 21/05/2014 18:59

I have said it is him already......

Name, picture, everything....

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2014 19:03

And so what?

Seriously, everyone has said ring 101. The OP herself has said she isn't planning on speaking to anyone else abut it.

She rings 101, gets told that it's him and tells her dc to stay away.

Why are people arguing the point that it might not be him? What is the purpose on this therad?

Original poster

Friedbrain · 21/05/2014 19:10

The purpose is to ask for advice

'what do I say to the children who already Spk to this man'

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/05/2014 19:11

I would concern myself with speaking to my own only. If you feel the need to confirm to the other parents that youve spoken to 101 and they have confirmed it, leave it to them to broach it with their own kids.

Nomama · 21/05/2014 19:15

I hope you can pick through and find some advice that fits you, Friedbrain.

I know how hard it is, I have information about some of my students I just want to scream from rooftops, but am in no way going to in case I ruin any future court cases.

But please do call 101. They may not be able to reassure you but they will be able to help you take the right steps to protect anyone who needs protecting.

Good luck.

Gruntfuttock · 21/05/2014 19:17

Have you called 101 yet?

Martorana · 21/05/2014 19:19

The unanimous advice in the first instance is to talk to the police. Why don't you want to do this?

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