To think SIL shouldn't phone me when I babysit for her

[Mrssodapop]

I hope I have better luck on AIBU today I will try to tell the full story from the start. I have babysat sometimes for my brother, looking after his 3 year old dd which has always been fine except I think his wife is very anxious because she always calls while I'm looking after her daughter. Yesterday I looked after their dd all day and she called about half an hour after leaving her to see if she had settled. I told her she was fine and asked her not to phone again because everything was fine and I wanted to get on with the day with all the kids together (I've got 2). She got upset and asked why she couldn't phone and said she might want to call later in the day to let us know when she's on her way back. I said ok but was irritated by her checking up on me although she said she wasn't checking up on me but that she wanted to feel she could call to see how her dd was. Anyway, she phoned after lunch and I didn't pick up and was busy so didn't call back. I picked up her call when she was on her way back (about 4 hours later) but she was very uppity and was upset that I hadn't returned her call. Today my brother phones furious that I told her I didn't want her to keep on phoning me. In the end I've said I don't want to babysit for them again and now they're really hurt. They're also cross that I didn't put their dd in overalls when she painted and they said her clothes are ruined. There's a big family bbq coming up and I'm dreading it now.

I think you were a bit harsh with her but I have to say I'd be a bit annoyed if I were looking after Dnephews or nieces and my sister kept calling me all day. But that's because I don't like being called all the time - I find it hassling. Dsis would be the same - if I called her to check up on my lot multiple times a day she'd think I'd lost the plot. I wouldn't think anyone was checking up on me, I would realise it was anxiety about the DC. But it would still be an irritation.

But then we are not anxious. And we do this as a favour for each other. If I had an anxious family member, I might make allowances although with a slight eye roll as I broke off from my busy day managing messy play for 3 children to answer another call And if you are being paid for this then you definitely should make allowances for their anxiety.

YANBU

That your SIL spent ages saying goodbye is a sign she was anxious about leaving her child, rather than calls being a judgement on you. You might feel the child is like one of your own, she probably doesn't.

In any case, I'm not sure I'd want anyone looking after my child who has so little capacity for empathy. I'd have trouble trusting you.

When my newish friend looked after my DS2 as a MASSIVE favour, she went as far to take pics throughout the day and text them to me. I didn't want to bother her either during the day, but it was a comfort to me that for the split second she took the pic he looked happy and content.

Apologise, tell your DSIL it interrupts your day with all the phone calls and next time, how about you send a couple of updates by text to put her mind at ease. Or just answer the damn phone.

You sound an absolute charmer OP.

You sound like you were on a power trip with someone else's child. Don't worry I doubt you will be asked again.

I would assume that SIL was calling out of good manners and as a kindness to check that everything was ok. I think this is far better than swanning off without a backward glance with the phone switched firmly off( happened to me more than once when looking after friends'DCs.

Yabu - but I think you could find a nice compromise where you text her every so often to say how dn is and maybe add photo.

I've apologised and said they can ask me to babysit in future if there's an emergency but otherwise no because I feel SIL is highly strung and it would be better all round if they get a babysitter. They're angry about that now because we don't have much other family around and they have nobody else to ask. I appreciate all the feedback, well almost all of it.

YANBU you were doing them a favour, they either trust you to look after dc or not. If not, I'd suggest they pay for child care. The OP asked them not to call as it may disturb what she was going, a text would be far less intrusive and could be answered at a suitable time without disrupting ang ongoing activities. As the OP I'd not want to look after said child again unless I felt the parents trusted me to contact them if there was a real issue.

I think the OP is getting too much stick, the dsil sounds rather precious and paranoid IMO.

"I'm sorry" followed by an insult. Not really an apology is it? And did you even say what part you were sorry for? I think you're not a very nice person and clearly quite judgemental of those with high anxiety levels (I don't think hers were that high if she only rang twice and you didn't get back to her for 4 hours). I'm going out on a limb and assuming you only said sorry out of duty and not because you actually thought you were wrong.

YANBU. If I leave my child with baby sitters I make sure they have my contact details and my phone is left on. I then go out knowing that if there is a problem they will phone me, if they're not phoning me I can assume they are fine. If I have a problem, e.g. a delay in getting back I will phone them, but only for that sort of reason. It's never let me down.

On the other side of the coin, if I was in someone's house the chances are I wouldn't be picking up their phone and I wouldn't be too keen if they kept phoning and thus taking me away from supervising their kids, especially if they were small kids in the bath or if the phone woke them up.

Good that you've apologised, but I still think you're being a bit mean and making a mountain out of a molehill. Being anxious about leaving your children is not a crime, and let's be honest - a couple of brief phonecalls is really not the end of the world. I would still be pretty upset at your withdrawal from babysitting if I were them.

YABVU

It's hardly a plethora of calls either. One at the beginning and end of the day, and one that you spitefully decided to ignore in the middle.

If you were my sister speaking about my DP I'd feel ashamed. One of my good friends suffers from anxiety, and is similar to your SIL. I'm sure she'd rather feel less anxious, and twatty attitudes like yours don't exactly help.

The sil sounds anxious. Many many parents are. I am.i would hate to think that on the rare occasions I leave my dc fora few hours I would be slated for ringing to see how they are.
I ring as much to check that the carer is ok and hasnt had enough and wants me back as I know what a huge favour it is to babysit.
Op you sound awful. Apologise properly.
Youve now left the poor woman with no babysitter.

If you are not charging, and doing this as a favour, then it is on your terms. Perhaps you could have been a bit less abrupt but you are not paid childcare so she either takes it or leaves it.

She was probably calling because she missed her DD and wanted to hear how she was doing. Is that so weird? Nothing to do with whether she trusted you or not.

However, I'm prepared to bet that after your antics (chivvying her along in the morning, not answering the phone, telling her that she shouldn't call you while you're with her child) she won't want to risk a repeat performance and you won't have to suffer having to answer the phone to her when you're babysitting again.

I'd have been irritated by the SIL phoning to be honest & would have felt as if I wasn't being trusted. I wouldn't have asked her not to phone though, but would have sighed & put up with it.

Even when doing something for a favour you don't have the right to punish an anxious parent.

Well, she's not obligated to babysit.

How many times does SIL call? Once or twice not a big deal. But three or more times and she's got to take a chill pill.

But you're smart to not babysit if you're really going to clash like that.

She needs a babysitter that fits more with her personality and feeling resentful and frustrated every time you watch her child isn't good for either of you.

But she will remember this next time you need a babysitter...

Youve now left the poor woman with no babysitter.

Is this a joke? The OP is not under any legal obligation to babysit y'know.

The SIL has millions of babysitters to choose from. She just needs to either pay them or not annoy them so much they don't want to do it anymore........