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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have never realised before how much of a stigma it was to work when you have children?

114 replies

itsmethechubbyfunster · 19/05/2014 13:57

My mum always worked FT... most of my friends mums worked full time...

I am a single parent so HAVE to work, but I work four days a week to get a bit of balance. I love my job, and I love my child, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I genuinely never considered that there was a stigma about going to work - I know it's not what some would chose but lots of my friends (without children) have made some veiled (and not so veiled) comments about me working 'too much'.

My SIL (disclaimer: crazy) once said 'but if you got a call saying he was blue or something you'd be able to leave work right?'

I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive but I seem to hear comments (not about me in particular just generally) about people 'leaving others to raise their children' etc all the time these days and I don't get it... what's the alternative in this day and age with money so tight??

My friend tried to tell me that it would be much better to just claim benefits so I can stay home with him as these are his main formative years...

When did it stop being a personal choice and start being child neglect?! I never ever noticed this before I had my baby!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 19/05/2014 13:58

It's also stigmatised if you stay at home and sponge off your husband!!!
Mums can't win so don't even try.

Original poster

itsmethechubbyfunster · 19/05/2014 14:02

That's true! And nobody would ever accuse Dad of 'leaving someone else to raise their baby' would they?!

OP posts:

proseccoco · 19/05/2014 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerRodgers · 19/05/2014 14:02

Agree with pp. you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so just do what you choose to do and try to ignore what others think.

Kendodd · 19/05/2014 14:03

When did it stop being a personal choice and start being child neglect?

I don't think it is a personal choice, I think most people have no choice but to go to work, how else would they feed themselves.

If I were you I wouldn't worry, if you did stay at home you'd get just as much criticism.

LemonSquares · 19/05/2014 14:04

I agree with Hoppinggreen - ft, pt - SAH - all are wrong whatever the circumstances.

It's annoying and its often other mothers who do it though I think that because they want reassurance what they have done is best which comes if everyone does the same as them.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/05/2014 14:05

I got really cross recently reading about a parent who had put a nanbycam in their dcs bedroom and found the nanny to be physically agressive with the dcs.

The comments all focussed on how the mother should be at home watching her child and not left with a random. I saw red because (1) it detracted from the fact that this abuser was in the wrong, no one else and (2) there was no mention of a father.

Like a pp said, damned if you do. Damned if you dont.

InOtherNews · 19/05/2014 14:06

Totally agree hopping. I work pt and DD doesn't go to nursery, but I still hear lots of comments along the lines of how positive it is for children to go to nursery (and as a result how I am disadvantaging DD). I think whatever decision you make as a mum, you'll get it in the neck from people at some point for making decisions that aren't the same as them. Ignore!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/05/2014 14:06

choosing to work even if the money is not essential isnt neglect though.

Chippednailvarnish · 19/05/2014 14:06

Your life, your choice, your business.

Llareggub · 19/05/2014 14:06

I am also a working single parent. From what I gather I'd be equally hated if I was a benefits claiming single parent. I don't care what other people think.

FFIW, I know hardly any SAHM.

SnakeInMyBoots · 19/05/2014 14:06

Yep you're selfish and cold if you work full time, you're lazy, self-indulgent and a helicopter mother if you stay at home.
And the sad thing is, most of the criticism and judgment comes from other women and mothers. Men never seem to care too much whether a woman stays home or stays in work.

LemonSquares · 19/05/2014 14:06

I know a perfectly happy SAHD - who wife was working but she was criticised as he couldn't be happy .

Swannery · 19/05/2014 14:07

I think people just like to feel superior. As long as you have good childcare sorted for your DC they will be fine. In fact, they really thrive on the time they spend at nursery. My children went to nursery from when they were small babies (DC1 was 3 months). It was a great nursery and they had a great time - I didn't have a second's concern about it. 3 days with them full time is a good balance.

Joysmum · 19/05/2014 14:08

It's also stigmatised if you stay at home and sponge off your husband!!!
Mums can't win so don't even try.

Exactly the attitude I get from women, never men though.

SqutterNutBaush · 19/05/2014 14:08

I've been made to feel like a sponger for staying at home and living off of DP's wage.

My work shut down whilst I was on maternity leave.

elQuintoConyo · 19/05/2014 14:09

We have dc aged 2.5. I was a sahm for the first 21 months, then working since then.

I honestly haven't heard a single word said to me, or reported from behind my back, about either situation- I guess no one I knows gives a shit.

If such a comment was made, my ready-to-use phrase would be: lucky it's none of your business, then.

Refuse to engage. Refuse to explain. Yanbu to have it wind you up - just shout "oh do fuck off dear" in your head and giggle immatutery

PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 19/05/2014 14:10

I remember many years ago someone on a course I was on made a very astute comment about how women at the time were supposed to be 'having it all', working and having a family - she said she knew that as soon as it was convenient for women not to be working again (i.e. in a period of low employment), it would do an about turn and it would suddenly become desirable for women to stay home with their children.

It's maybe not quite as obvious as the push in the 50s to get women back into the home so that the men returning from the war could have their jobs back, but I definitely think it's related.

Stinkle · 19/05/2014 14:12

I work part time from home these days, which seems to be acceptable

But yes, when I had my eldest DD I returned to work it was "what was the point of having a baby if you're going to get someone else to look after it?"

Then when I was made redundant and we decided I would stay at home for a while I was "sponging off my husband"

You can't win. I don't even try.

PoundingTheStreets · 19/05/2014 14:13

I've always worked full time, taking minimal maternity leave. I've never encountered any stigma or negative comments. I never encountered any RL negative comments about single parents, either (of which I was one). This may be because I am so thick-skinned I didn't notice but I think in general people who are narrow minded about choices and can't accept any other stance than their own, are best avoided and weeded out of life. I certainly wouldn't count them among my friends.

I think, for a lot of people, the "choice" to be a SAHP or a WOHP is one that is forced on them by financial/practical necessity rather than a true choice. There will be far more reluctant members of both camps than there will those who have actively chosen it. IME people who are happy with their own choices rarely comment on the choices of others, but those who are unhappy seem compelled to comment perhaps as a way of shoring up the validity of their own choice.

Do what you like and ignore or challenge.

calculatorsatdawn · 19/05/2014 14:14

Was having a chat with my best friend the other day, her PFB is now 7 months. She was moaning at me for not wanting to have a baby now so our children could grow up together (have stopped being annoyed by this and just close my ears when she starts banging on about it now, quite happy with beer and lie ins at them moment thank you very much).

But another part of the conversation went along the lines of me saying well of course if me and DP did have kids it makes more sense for him to work part time / stay at home becuase I earn double what he does. To which she replied, yes but surely his salary will catch up and over take yours at some point because you're a woman, you'd be shooting yourself in the foot in the long term. I'm still

Aibuaddict · 19/05/2014 14:15

Economics in this country aren't the most friendly to families. Feels like not working will be a real challenge but sthg I would like to do when my mat leave ends. Wanted to punch fil when he told me that I has to make a choice between my career and family life. Explained to him in no uncertain terms that it isn't really a choice these days. also particularly irritating when my DH has told me his dm worked through his childhood.

Ubik1 · 19/05/2014 14:17

TBH

You can't win whatever you do.

Either you give up your career, focus entirely on the little darlings, and the get it in the neck for 'being stupid' 'sponging off your husband ,' 'you'll have no pension,' 'you'll be destitute,' and have to deal with people talking over you at parties because obviously you have nothing interesting or valuable to say.

You get it in the neck for putting poor darlings in dreadful nursery/cruel childminder/ irresponsible nanny/exhausted grandparent so you can selfishly pursue your career ambitions, buyholidays to Bali, a new Mercedes and purchase spiky stilettos shoes with which you deliberately stand on kittens.

My advice is to ignore it all. And eat chocolate.

SmileAndNod · 19/05/2014 14:21

Well I'm criticized because I SAH, and don't work. We do our best to live off DH's wages (no benefits apart from CB). I always worked since I graduated until a couple of years ago when we decided that for our family situation it would be best if I was at home.

It's odd, but when I went back to work after my first maternity leave I was criticized for leaving my children in nursery.

Can't win

TereseaGreen · 19/05/2014 14:21

"My advice is to ignore it all. And eat chocolate."

I think this may be my new life philosophy.

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