To have never realised before how much of a stigma it was to work when you have children?

[itsmethechubbyfunster]

My mum always worked FT... most of my friends mums worked full time...

I am a single parent so HAVE to work, but I work four days a week to get a bit of balance. I love my job, and I love my child, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I genuinely never considered that there was a stigma about going to work - I know it's not what some would chose but lots of my friends (without children) have made some veiled (and not so veiled) comments about me working 'too much'.

My SIL (disclaimer: crazy) once said 'but if you got a call saying he was blue or something you'd be able to leave work right?'

I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive but I seem to hear comments (not about me in particular just generally) about people 'leaving others to raise their children' etc all the time these days and I don't get it... what's the alternative in this day and age with money so tight??

My friend tried to tell me that it would be much better to just claim benefits so I can stay home with him as these are his main formative years...

When did it stop being a personal choice and start being child neglect?! I never ever noticed this before I had my baby!

AIBU?

Thanks all.

Sometimes I just need the collective wisdom of the vipers to let me know INBU in working.

The thing is, my mum worked full time ], I was in breakfast club, afterschool club etc etc and I did hate it. But then she always felt a bit unavailable at weekends too...
that's why i chose to work 4 days a week - I thought that was a genuinely good balance, but aparently not.

In reality, due to me seperating from my husband I couldn't have dropped any more days anyway but I'm not sure if I would have chosen that even if I could...

People just love to justify their own situation, it makes them feel better. I had a delightful foot in mouth mother tell me what working as a mother was a 'lifestyle choice' but of course you can't possibly give your child as much attention and love (I am a single mother and have no choice), I walked away very quickly and avoid her now so I don't say something mean. In another country I lived in it was really frowned on not to work as a woman, you were seen as bourgeois and neglectful and old fashioned.

I've worked f/t, p/t and SAHM since having the DCs and never once felt judged by anyone IRL, so I have been quite shocked by some of the stuff I've read on MN about it over the years.

I'm a lone parent who works full time and whose children stay at their dads 2 nights a week.

I've lost count of the times I've been asked 'but when do you see them?'

I agree with PP, the only places I ever come across judgement about whether women work or not are MN and the papers. In daily life it's just not an issue.

In reality it's not an issue, it's only on mn where it is an issue. Seriously.

I was a single parent when older DCS were little. I had to work full and part time to keep our heads above water. I did feel guilty how much time I was away from them but I am very independent so did not want to claim benefits. Both now grown up with good jobs and degrees. I recently asked them if they felt neglected and they said no. I did make sure we did lots of things together when I was off so quality not quantity I think.

Ubik oh you can win. You can have it all. Just be born a man. It's that easy

Ubik oh you can win. You can have it all. Just be born a man. It's that easy

I havent had it so much from mums my own age, but alot of comments from lafies who are in their 50's and 60's about how they would never leave their dd (2days a week) to go off to work. I eish I could work an extra day or two but childcare but the costs would cripple me!

Well when I had my two it was accepted without a conversation that I was going back to work. Nobody said anything. My friends who stayed at home did just that, and nobody said anything. Everybody was happy doing what suited their families. I'm not sure where all this criticism comes from.

You'll be criticised whatever you do. Mainly, I suspect, by people who are insecure in their own choices. Why else would anyone care about other people's family arrangements?

I'm always amazed that another family's childcare provision is of any interest at all to anyone not in that family! Why do they care?

ubik1

It's only an issue on mumsnet as coffee says.

Seriously I have never met anyone in RL who cares a stuff what you do.

It's also stigmatised if you stay at home and sponge off your husband!!!

My first thought when reading the thread title!

YANBU - I've had it in reverse for being a SAHM (my mum's friend said 'well, WoT never really wanted to work anyway did she' while talking about her DC's glittering careers one of her DD's has become a SAHM so obviously that's now by far the better option) and now that I'm working (v.v. p/t doesn't interfere with school runs etc) I'm also getting comments .
Awoman'splaceisinthewrong

I have worked since my now 15yr old dd was 9 months old and nobody has ever said anything negative about me working despite me now having three children and having gone back to work after all three.

I work p/t and get a lot of comments about it being the perfect balance. And yes, it works for us. It's just that I'm going actually still answering emails and Twitter on my days off and doing about 30 hours work in 21 hours when I'm in the office.

The key to having it all is having a penis.

Another sahm here who feels like I constantly have to justify myself.

Sorry that anyone feels criticised or like they need to justify themselves. I've recently returned to work after six months mat leave, and now my husband is at home for a few months before DS will start nursery.

I don't feel criticised; I work with many women who have done similar, and so I feel well understood and supported by my colleagues (to be honest, I assume most people just don't give it a thought). I don't feel that I have to justify myself to anyone, but I have caught myself feeling bad for enjoying being at work.

Really, the only place I ever feel judged is on MN or reading articles in magazines / papers. In real life, most of my friends who are parents work. A few don't, we sometimes discuss the pros and cons, but that's all. Within my family it is normal for both mothers and fathers to work, my DM, all my SILs and all my female cousins/cousins-in-law have worked after having DCs and so have I, maybe because we're all in the same boat there hasn't been any judginess.

'The key to having it all is having a penis.'

Never a truer word spoken.

I agree mums can't win whatever they choose.

I'm self employed. When I was first pg I got told by lots of women (only women) that I was mad if I thought that I'd still be able to work at all - that I would have a 'rude awakening' and I was naive. They were very wrong.

Then I was criticised for using a child minder rather than a nursery 2 days a week because my children wouldn't be socialized. Well, now my dc are 9 and 7 they were very wrong on this too.

I then got openly criticised for choosing a 'satisfactory' local school and not clambering to get into an outstanding over-subscribed one.

It just goes on and on.

I try to never judge. I'm sure I've been guilty of it but I hope I'm really not that bothered about the work/life balance of other women.