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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have never realised before how much of a stigma it was to work when you have children?

114 replies

itsmethechubbyfunster · 19/05/2014 13:57

My mum always worked FT... most of my friends mums worked full time...

I am a single parent so HAVE to work, but I work four days a week to get a bit of balance. I love my job, and I love my child, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I genuinely never considered that there was a stigma about going to work - I know it's not what some would chose but lots of my friends (without children) have made some veiled (and not so veiled) comments about me working 'too much'.

My SIL (disclaimer: crazy) once said 'but if you got a call saying he was blue or something you'd be able to leave work right?'

I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive but I seem to hear comments (not about me in particular just generally) about people 'leaving others to raise their children' etc all the time these days and I don't get it... what's the alternative in this day and age with money so tight??

My friend tried to tell me that it would be much better to just claim benefits so I can stay home with him as these are his main formative years...

When did it stop being a personal choice and start being child neglect?! I never ever noticed this before I had my baby!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Featherbag · 20/05/2014 10:56

I've just gone back ft after 6 month mat leave with my DS2, just as I did with DS1. I get people asking if I'm going pt, then they look a bit puzzled when I say no, and neither is DH. Because of course I assume they're asking about both of us as parents if they're asking about adjusting hours for childcare purposes.

RonSwansonsLushMoustache · 20/05/2014 11:05

I've never experienced any negativity about working. Perhaps because DH and I both have flexible working arrangements with our employers so we are both able to work and do our share of the school run, childcare, housework and earning.

Maybe one day all parents will be able to choose flexible working if it suits their family, then nobody will have to make big sacrifices in order to have children and nobody will have a reason to judge others.

splendide · 20/05/2014 12:48

I'm going back to work and my DH is going to stay at home. I have had some quite rude comments about that. Mostly from his family though to be fair! I've also had the eyebrow raised question about if I'm going pt.

Lucyccfc · 20/05/2014 13:14

I have never had any negative comments about being a working (single) Mum. Quite the opposite.

I have had people telling me they admire what I do and are jealous because I am so organised and seem to have it all.

I don't really think about it. I have a fantastic DS, we do loads together, I have a well paid job that I love and we have a lovely (not huge) home. I just get on with it (with a smile on my face) and have never had any negative comments. (Not to my face anyway).

Who cares what other people think anyway. I always think that people who make comments about other peoples choices and lives are usually jealous.

I have lots of different friends, who have been working Mums, SAHM's, part time working etc. we don't judge each other, we just respect each other's choices and support each other.

Be proud ladies, no matter what your choices in life - you are doing your best for you and your family.

cheeseandpepper · 20/05/2014 13:16

I've been a single mum for 15 years and been on benefits for most of that time. There's definitely a stigma against women in my position, I'm sure there's a stigma against working mums too but I can't imagine it would be worse than I've experienced. People aren't so much rude but more passive agressive, or they won't make comments directly at me but instead make comments about others on TV who are on benefits, which is just another way of showing disapproval but in a passive aggressive manner.

I've learned to have a tougher skin and ignore comments like that really. You're never going to please everyone, so as long as you make the right decision for you and your family then no one else's opinion should matter.

FengMa · 20/05/2014 14:02

I found going back to work to be absolute agony. Truly the most dreadful experience of my pretty chequered life. For months, I cried at least once a day, often much much more. (NOT saying that this is an appropriate/rational reaction, just how it was).
My DH is a stay at home Dad. For reasons that are no busybodies' business, that's how we've decided to work it for my family. Like everyone, doing the best thing as we see it for us (if not necessarily for my Kleenex bill).

I really resent the comments from others, esp as they often insinuate that my husband loves the children more/is more maternal/I love my career more than I love my family/he's the better parent or, on one particularly horrendous occasion, when my (ex-) bikini waxer said v pointedly "Well, it's nice to have nice things, isn't it?" in front of a gaggle of tutting and eyerolling colleagues when I paid.

I'm usually pretty Teflon-coated about the views of others about my life choices but for people to be so judgemental in respect of something that was causing me so much anguish was unbearable.

As time went on, I started to manage better and I now have a few words to say to anyone who passes comment/judgement on anyone else's way of doing things. It's so intensely personal, I really don't know what people are thinking when they make these comments. Do they think that we've all given it so little thought that their one liners and judgey cat's bum mouths are going to help us see the "error" of our ways?

Twats

Retropear · 20/05/2014 14:09

I think there is a bigger stigma being a sahm these days.The justify to your dd why you're a sahm thread is a fine example.

VIPissArtist · 20/05/2014 14:14

I agree with retro Far more common and usual round my way to go back to work, conversations when at Baby classes were much more " so when are you going back"...and lots of why's when saying not going too..

PrincessBabyCat · 20/05/2014 14:27

Welcome to competitive momming. It's a fun sport. The one who loves their child the most by martyring themselves up on a cross the hardest wins. :)

In any case when I want to go back to work, I'll most likely switch my fb pictures to have no kids in them so I get a better chance of getting an interview.

Swannery · 20/05/2014 14:41

Sad to hear that sexism is still so rife.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 20/05/2014 14:49

cheeseandpepper
That's my experience. Now what I like to say is now that I am back at work I pay no tax but I do claim and extra £100 per week in benefits (WTC), still get £100 per week housing and council tax benefits. It's costing more sending me to work. I did say this to my neighbour who used to get on my tits keep asking if I was going to work now youngest was at school, you must be bored sitting at home yadda yadda, these comments went on over 18mnth while I was job hunting.

frumpypigskin · 20/05/2014 15:44

I was reading this expecting a bunfight but everyone was being very reasonable until I read this:

'I work PT because I believe there is no pride to be gained from sponging off your partner'. from Windchime.

I could equally say there is no pride to be gained from handing over your child to be looked after by other people. But I'm not a twat so I won't.

SAHP are not spongers, working parents are not bad parents etc etc. Get your head out of the DM dear.

daphnehoneybutt · 20/05/2014 16:06

So many people I work with have said "oh so you will be taking a years mat leave" Erm no. Its small talk and bollocks but comments like "i could never leave my kids with someone I don't know" (yes like I plan to abandon them to a random in tescos) or "it's precious time you will never get back" boil my piss. 99% of comments from other women. I wouldn't judge anyone's choices wrt to staying at home but it's not for me and the assumption that my earnings are pin money (actually I earn a lot more than DH) are sexist

But I guess I need a thicker skin. Sympathies to all who feel judged for working or staying at home.

Littlebigcat · 20/05/2014 18:40

I work 4 days a week and on my first week back I had my best friend and female collegue (both younger, no kids, one doesn't want them) telling me how selfish it is to return to work when you have a young child. I was feeling pretty dreadful anyway and it really wan't what I needed to hear.

I think it's rose tinted spectacles looking back at their childhood in the most part. I was told by my friend it was selfish to want a bigger house and to ever go on holiday and that I should be making these sacrifices for my children and they would prefer their mum at home. I mostly ignore, it's easy for people to say that you should make sacrifices when they are not the ones doing the sacrificing. Now I've settled back in the comments have stopped and I quite enjoy the variation my 4 day week gives me.

whatever5 · 20/05/2014 18:54

People are going to have opinions and judge you whatever you do which is fair enough. They should keep their opinions to themselves though as it's really none of their business.

ziggiestardust · 20/05/2014 18:59

No one has ever criticised me, to my face at least (!) the fact that I work full time and manage my childcare with a nursery and an au pair.

If they wanted to, they'd probably have to wait a long time for me to give a shit.

Caitlin17 · 20/05/2014 18:59

I didn't encounter any stigma going back to work full time. I'm in a profession where it's expected mothers will go back to work and it would be odd not to.

I would have been very uncomfortable if I'd lost my financial independence.

Watercolourfootballs · 20/05/2014 20:05

When my children were little I the only one of my close friends who didn't work at all. Most worked part time, a few full time. One lady used to tell me how my children were missing out on all the benefits of nursery and that she really needed her 'career'.

After my DC started school I went back to work full time - she now tells me that she feels that being a mother is more important than her career and that it's selfish to work more than part time.

I'm good with all my decisions. My friend's issues are her own.

I believe I made her jealous when I was at home full time and now I've made her jealous by fairly easily picking up where I left off pre-DC.

My DH and I make the best decisions we can for our family. What anyone else thinks

LizLimone · 20/05/2014 23:36

What you're supposed to do is:

Be a SAHM for at least the first 1-2 years of your child's life, preferably on some magically extended, generous maternity leave from your glamorous fulfilling career...

Then run some business project / freelance work / etsy page on the side while SAHM-ing - something that magically fits in with kids' naps etc of course...

Then go back to a magically flexible career that fits with childcare / school holidays...

Then by the time your children are 10+ have full-on career earning tons of money on a par with your husband who never took career breaks or maternity leave.

There you go: follow that plan and you will be doing what society expects of women with children these days. Pretty easy I would think! Especially as employers are notoriously keen on accommodating working parents and providing flexible hours.

Shakshuka · 21/05/2014 03:35

My dh works part time and I work full time. Just worked out that way as I earn a lot more than him and he's not very ambitious career wise - he enjoys what he does a lot and is good at it but feels no urge to climb the slippery pole - so for us the obvious choice is that he is much more with the kids, doing the school runs and stuff, and takes care of the house

I haven't had disparaging remarks about worku g but the beatification of my husband for just doing what women usually do drives me bonkers! The number of times I've been told how lucky I am, how amazing dh is etc, etc. I mean, he's a great dad but no one would say this to a man with a wife working part time!!!

MexicanSpringtime · 21/05/2014 03:52

Yeap, mothers are an easy target, no matter what you do.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/05/2014 05:41

People are judgemental about mothers ime
Wohms, sahms, pt, ft, young, old, liberal or strict...

Don't imagine those comments come from just women though.i (although ime, most of the wohm slating does Sad. I have heard plenty of men making derisive comments about sahms or mat leave mums "sponging off their dh's" or "spending all of dh's money in Starbucks."

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/05/2014 05:53

frumpypigskin
But you did say that (theres no pride to be gained by handing your child over to be looked after by other people) didn't you. So does that make you a twat?
That's a nice thing to read as I head off to my stressful job. I'll miss my small children all day and I have to "hand them over to be looked after" by someone else. But don't worry, I definitely don't feel any pride in that.
You couldn't just pull the other poster up on their unpleasant comment, but had to let your hurtful and judgemental views leak all over your post.

FidelineandFumblin · 21/05/2014 06:05

You couldn't just pull the other poster up on their unpleasant comment, but had to let your hurtful and judgemental views leak all over your post.

No Amanda, she was making a point about how SAHMs could be equally rude if they wanted to be. She wasn't actually making the remark about handing over the children.

FidelineandFumblin · 21/05/2014 06:07

And it was in response to yet another comment saying that SAHMs sponge off their partners. You can't ignore the conteaxt.

These sponger allegations get directed at SAHMs constantly on MN, I don't blame them for getting cheesed off.

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