To have never realised before how much of a stigma it was to work when you have children?

[itsmethechubbyfunster]

My mum always worked FT... most of my friends mums worked full time...

I am a single parent so HAVE to work, but I work four days a week to get a bit of balance. I love my job, and I love my child, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I genuinely never considered that there was a stigma about going to work - I know it's not what some would chose but lots of my friends (without children) have made some veiled (and not so veiled) comments about me working 'too much'.

My SIL (disclaimer: crazy) once said 'but if you got a call saying he was blue or something you'd be able to leave work right?'

I don't know, maybe I'm just being oversensitive but I seem to hear comments (not about me in particular just generally) about people 'leaving others to raise their children' etc all the time these days and I don't get it... what's the alternative in this day and age with money so tight??

My friend tried to tell me that it would be much better to just claim benefits so I can stay home with him as these are his main formative years...

When did it stop being a personal choice and start being child neglect?! I never ever noticed this before I had my baby!

AIBU?

I agree that a lot of these comments are down to jealousy - jealous if you have a good job/jealous if you can stay at home/jealous if you have a rich husband (sometimes even jealous if you are a single parent ).

I made a choice not to work after having my DS - we were in a financially strong position so it wasn't a hard decision, we weren't 'struggling' on one salary. Our circumstances changed after 15 years of me being at home and now I work part time.

I have always been confident of my choices and just don't let other people's comments get to me, most of the time it is just idle conversation anyway.

It's more of a stigma for any option as a mother. Even the nice, well-paid flexible option is looked down on by someone somewhere. Ignore it all, it's all you can do.

You need to stop worrying about it. Do what you want or need to and ignore rude comments. For everyone who thinks SAHM's are the ideal there is another that thinks the opposite. It's a pointless and endless argument.

(Although, 4 days a week sounds great )

I haven't heard many comments IRL about this, but I do remember a distant family member telling me when DS was very young that there is no point having DC's if you are going to work and leave them for other people to bring up. I have never bitten my tongue so hard to avoid saying something I would regret!

I've been back at work a year and have not had one single negative comment. I had more bad comments in my years of infertility with people saying i was putting my career before other things when they didn't know the truth.
I think friends and family would have been shocked if I hadn't gone back to work - in the degree educated vocational post grad thrown away sense - I love my ds and my job and both make me me. I must admit though I am a bit prejudiced against mums of school aged children who are still SAHM - i think at bare minimum they should be perhaps studying or volunteering - but maybe that's because I find house preening boring

I work PT because I believe there is no pride to be gained from sponging off your partner. I tried that for a year and hated it. I love having my own money and I am lucky enough to be able to share the childcare with family. You never know what is going to happen down the line, so it pays to have one foot on the career ladder, with a little slush money on the side.

It's not something that's going to go away, especially as girls continue to get better and better in school and uni exams and get good careers going.

I now have a 6.5yo and went back to work quite fast. At the time DH was trying to get his company off the ground but had little work coming in, and we couldn't trust it happening before my mat leave pay dropped to SMP levels. So back I went, DS went to f/t nursery (which he loved, and had a brilliant 'auntie' as his carer for the first 18 months) and DH eventually got the Co going. This worked for us as a family and so people should have accepted this.

What I got was an awful lot of continued grief about going back full-time. The assumption from just about every woman I knew was that I should be going p/t, and they were shocked I wasn't. They only became (grudgingly) accepting of the situation when I pointed out that I was the breadwinner. I got one man querying the decision. Just one. My Dad. And he got the full blast of logical argument back with no holds barred and conceded that he hadn't thought properly about it!

I still have to argue that this is double standards and patently unfair, and I will take to task any woman saying it to a new mother. It is the choice of the family concerned and nobody else. Smile and nod, then ignore anyone who says otherwise.

We are fortunate to be able to afford wraparound care though. Some are not, and we should be supporting them even more in both their care situation and the workplace, and also helping to keep all new mums going through a tough sleep-deprived and often PND-laden time rather than trying to cut their self-confidence down by making them feel guilty about their life choices.

I must admit that I find some SAHPs' decision incomprehensible, mainly those who have moreorless thrown away a career to look after their children, home and husband. By "thrown away" I mean they've stayed out of their area of work for so long that they've lost their licence to practise and haven't kept any kind of hand in for 10+ years.

On the other hand, whilst I was running around like a twat doing everything not particularly well, they were pottering about in the garden, doing a bit of baking, reading and living in a house that didn't look like a set from the Young Ones. So yes, there's probably a heft dose of envy on my part

I am the opposite. I took 5 yr off as a SAHM and ended up a single parent. I got abuse for claiming benefits even when I decided to go back to work, was looking but couldn't find a job. I'm working now part time and love it

Another SAHM here with a 3 1/2 year old who's not in nursery.
I'm tired if justifying myself.

You really can't win! Just do what suits your circumstances and ignore the idiotic comments. Which you get whatever you do.

People will always have an opinion, especially on something that is different to the way they do things.

The problem is some of them insist on sharing those opinions, unasked for, at every opportunity. Some of those people will be doing so because they genuinely believe they are showing concern or being helpful. Some just like the sound of their own voice. And some of those people will be doing so because they feel insecure about what they do or because they are the type who can't resist a passive aggressive dig.

If it's a one-off comment then brush it off with a smile and say "well it works for us" but if it's one particular person making regular comments about what you do then ask them why they are so focused on what you do and why it matters to them so much what you do and then tell them that you don't appreciate being constantly criticised when you actually have a pretty good balance going for you.

I don't really feel stigmatised for working full-time, if anything I have had lots of appreciative comments, especially from other mums who perhaps are doing p/t jobs and feel they have fallen off the career ladder who then say they are envious, or just nice things about how I manage. Obviously I only manage by ignoring the housework, so perhaps they are trying to make me feel better!

I have one friend who commented negatively about it but it is so much about her, I said nothing as her situation is quite sad and she can't work out of the home really, so there's nothing to gain for responding.

Family very supportive, even my older rellies. Most of the women in our family have worked though, whether just after the war or after staying home for a decade, but they have all been employed at one time or another so I don't think its so alien to them.

The one thing that does surprise me is how unsupportive some husbands are judging by the threads on here- men who would 'prefer that their wife doesn't work'. My husband is my number one supporter in my career and really believes in me, I can't imagine having someone undermining you from within.

If anybody was to question my choices i'd just smile sweetly and say 'well that's what works best for us'. Most of my friends and colleagues are working mums so not sure that anybody in my circle would feel the need to criticize but sometimes people have to validate their choices by running down others which I always wonder about. If you are happy with your decision why the need to belittle someone who has done it differently. Families have different situations what works for one might not work and I often wonder why people dont get that

I had to go back to work after my DCs, although DH works full time, I have always been the main earner & we had a large mortgage to pay, (at least my generation were able to get one!)

I felt pretty about it TBH, & ideally would have liked to work part-time.

It was mainly other women who made disparaging comments about me being a working mother. (1 of my friends was a SAH single Mum, so the Mums & Toddler crowd used to make comments about her too!)

I just wish that women would leave women alone. The criticism we receive from the media, lack of opportunity compared to men, wage earning/contract differences hold us back as it is. We don't need to rip each other apart to prove our worth

I don't remember ever getting many comments one way or the other about the fact that I worked. I don't care much what people think though so wouldn't necessarily remember.

I'm sure that people will always have an opinion one way or another whether or not they dare to express it. Ultimately though nobody knows what is best for children or if it really makes any difference whether you work full time, part time or not at all. You have to do what you think is best and ignore opinions as that is all they are.

I did put 4 stars after pretty, but they've been Kindled out!

'what works for one might not work for another' it should read

I think it depends when you work

When you have a baby - working full time is a crime.

When you have a school age child - not working full time is a crime.

I've been hit with the benefit stick for 6 years and am so glad to be paying for everything myself now working full time.

I've personally never been stigmatised for working and being a mother at the same time. I'm from a long line of working mums, so in our family it's more unusual if someone stays home. Quite honestly I think you have some very weird, very judgemental friends and would question if you want them in your life - especially the one who would prefer you lived in poverty

I think us women get pretty roundly criticised for anything we do, and of course everyone loves to advise anyone on parenting - it even starts before you're thinking of having children! "Oh, you don't want to leave it too late" "Your life will never be complete without children" "You know, having children just makes you so much less selfish - wait until you have children, then you'll know what true sacrifice is"

Of course, once you have children there's even more to criticise... Ho hum.

andcake - I think the issue people find is that school hours aren't that long and to be able to find a job flexible around school hours is hard. Not all schools do breakfast and after school clubs.

If you've had five plus years out of work finding a job with perfect hours for school is quite hard.

I am taking the hit now so that when they are all at school I will hopefully be sorted. Dh and i share a lot too.

Yes there is stigma- always has been.

I was told at work by a woman that I shouldn't work at all until my child was in school.

Ideas later made redundant on maternity leave- they thought they were doing me a favour [hmn]

Historically almost all mothers have always worked.

The sahm trend is very new and I don't expect it will survive more than another generation or so.

People are going to be arsey and judge you whatever you choose to do.

If you work from 9 to 5 and have to commute you get to avoid the standing around outside the school at pick up time. That sells it to me.

I'm in Ireland and honestly have never had an opinion expressed either way, I was at home for a few years, now I work... Most mothers I know are the same. Other than voicing a personal preference such as 'I'm not cut out to stay at home' or 'i found it too difficult to juggle work and kids' noone I've come across has ever mentioned one being preferable to the other.

We all do what we have to to support our kids, there's very little choice involved and noone really gives a shit about others choices.

It's only on mn I've come across strong opinions on the matter tbh!

I compromised by going out to work evenings and weekends, so I'm here for the children and housework in the day and then work 35 hours a week spread over four evenings, all day Saturday and Sunday morning.

Win win as I never see my husband at all really