to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Yes, suburban, I am inflexible and proud of it. My kids have grown up that way, had plenty of sleepovers and still do, and never a problem with such fussy eaters. Plenty of repeat visitors too. The Topseyt school dinner hall is in good health thank you very much.

For what it is worth, pancakes for breakfast have never been offered in this house, but I just think it sounds like a nice treat.

If I had been in the OP's position, and offering all of the alternatives she did the evening before then I definitely would not have been keen to offer more at breakfast.

In my house the family eat what I provide, there is nothing else. None has pegged it yet and all are well grown and healthy. I am not running a restaurant.

Having guests is about more than not killing them and insisting they eat what you give them or go hungry, isn't it?

Whatever you think about how any guest (adult or child) eats surely what you teach your children when they have guests is to make guests feel welcome and comfortable and whilst that doesn't mean offering endless option for them to choose, it does surely mean offering at least toast if the person doesn't like the slightly unusual breakfast offering.

I'm just amazed that if you had a friend staying who obviously wasn;t keen on your offering of pancakes/eggs benedict/caviar and blinis you wouldn;t say to them "Oh I'm sorry I can do you some toast and butter if you prefer"

DS (granted only 4.6) is quite fussy, but eats a lot of things (fruit, veg, etc.) raw and separate from each other. Often when visiting friends he will not eat anything, bar maybe ice cream or heavily iced biccies.. Sometimes not even those. He is just too excited and tense to eat. I always tell the host not to worry abut his eating and act as if he is not there. If they want to offer something, then just apples, plain bread or plain boiled pasta with parmesan, which he probably will not eat unless absolutely starving. I can only hope he will get better with age (I was a human dustbin as a child, which is worse, I think).

I'd hate to think what other mums will think about him. But I do make a point about telling them not to cook him anything.

I think there is a very wide middle ground between 'you get what you're given regardless of any preference you might have' and running a restaurant.

When people visit do you really give them, for example, coffee and they either drink it or have nothing?!

I think there is a very wide middle ground between 'you get what you're given regardless of any preference you might have' and running a restaurant.

When people visit do you really give them, for example, coffee and they either drink it or have nothing?!

I currently have a child sleeping over here - he was happy to eat my spag bol and chocolate mousse but when I checked with him about breakfast he didn't like what I'd suggested, we discussed it and have settled on something we all like.

No-one has pegged it yet here either and all happy and healthy.

And yes I get the irritation factor but one of DS's close friends is on the autistic spectrum and is very fussy, but you know making him something he likes makes everything so much pleasanter.

Toys wouldn;t have bothered me one bit giving a child plain boiled pasta. Its way easier than faffing around making pancakes from scratch

:) Kew

DD has a friend that seems to live on chicken nuggets. Whenever I've asked what she wants to eat, that is what she wants. So rather than try to force her to eat something else (we don't do chicken nuggets), I go out and buy them to keep for when she comes round. She likes coming round here.

When I'm feeding guests, adults or children, I ask if there's anything they won't eat in advance, surely that's just normal. Now pizza and nibbly things seems fine, especially if you've been told she eats pizza, but if a child has never had homemade pizza before it is likely to throw them.

I think you were mean not to offer toast or cereal for breakfast, those are what most people eat. My DCs love pancakes but have never had them for breakfast, so it would be very unexpected. I would offer any overnight guests a choice of things for breakfasts, cereals, toast, whatever bread products we had in. Maybe pancakes if I had thought of it.

I also think it is very sad if you won't let her come for a sleepover over again just over this. To be honest, I just don't see what you are making all this fuss about, you are lucky, your children eat well, the other mother has a fussy eater (which might be because she is pandered to, but it may well not be). My DS is fussy - he has SNs and his social life is hard enough, it makes me feel very sad that another mother would think about curtailing his social life for him just because he didn't eat her food.

Two things I've learned from this thread (1) pesto pasta isn't a proper meal and (2) apparently I should be cooking a variety of dishes whenever we have people over for dinner!

With regard to the OP it wouldn't have killed you to offer the girl a bowl of cereal or a bit of toast. You should have done that rather than letting your irritation get the better of you.

Well exactly kew : "I'm just amazed that if you had a friend staying who obviously wasn;t keen on your offering of pancakes/eggs benedict/caviar and blinis you wouldn't say to them "Oh I'm sorry I can do you some toast and butter if you prefer"

I can understand that the OP was irritated about producing different food items in the evening, but in the morning I don't understand why she didn't just point the child in the direction of the cereal selection or the toaster. Kindness doesn't cost anything.

I don't agree that this is a problem unique to the younger generation. Between them, DPs and DPILs will not eat:
Pasta
Pizza
Any form of cooked cheese
Shellfish
Lamb
Ham
Bacon
Meals without potatoes

My DH and DS refuse point blank to eat pancakes when I give in to DD's blandishments and make them for breakfast so I have to eat them

Everyone so far seems to have decided that the mum was cross with op at pick up. There could be many other alternatives..... One scenario could be....

The mum has spoken to op previously and realised that she is smug and rather inflexible. When her DD is invited over the family try to.decline/avoid the invitation because her dd jas an eating disorder (google ARFID) that she is embarrassed to explain about in case op gets all judgy-pants. Her dd assures her that all will be well but in the end her crippling anxiety gets thebetter of her. After being hounded to choose from a variety of unsafe foods and going to bed hungry she is given no choicat breakfast bit is relieved to avoid being harrassed about choosing from more unsavoury stuff. Her mum comesto collect her and is desperately sad that her daughter has obviously irritated the host as feared. The dd has a serious issue staying on an appropriate weight curve so they leave (as advised by theor psychologist) to get some safe foods asap. The mum despairs about how others areso unforgiving of anxiety sufferers.

Wow, I doubt many meals are completely and utterly balanced nutritionally. Pesto pasta with added cheese is a meal in this house.

It's what you eat in a week that counts rather than in one meal, or even in a day.

Corus, nobody said pesto & pasta is the most nutritionally balanced meal in the world but it most definitely is something eaten in many households. Just because you don't serve it doesn't mean it's not a meal!

Again, just because it would leave you hungry doesn't mean everyone would be the same. A nice plate of pasta would fill me up nicely without the need for any meat etc.....each to their own. If my child had their tea at a friends and had pesto pasta I wouldn't bat an eyelid...

I think for the odd sleepover chips and ketchup sounds delicious and very easy.

I don;t think I've ever quizzed my child after being at a friends about the protein content of their food.

The other Mum was probably cross with the OP getting cross with the child rather than being cross with the OP for not offering different foods. Neither the child nor the mother demanded that the OP cater to the child's fussiness. The child wasn't rude and didn't complain, she merely didn't eat what the OP gave her.