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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 17:41

Why are so many posters saying this was the child's 1st sleepover when the OP says the reverse? She only recently started, but this wasn't the first time.
I can understand the frustration at every option that was offered being turned down and it sounds as if the child was overwhelmed. Her mother should have prepared her better and also spoken to the host to warn her about her child's eating (or the lack thereof!)
It's not reasonable to expect everyone to always have an endless supply of foods to tempt a faddy appetite and it sounds as if OP had gone to considerable lengths to try to make the child feel comfortable with a range of food choices.
Plain pasta? Yeuch. Double Yeuch for pasta with olives and yoghurt. I'd be unable to choke that down.

Floggingmolly · 17/05/2014 17:55

Hadn't the child ever come to tea before, op? Confused
You must have some idea whether her food refusal was down to "nerves" as some people suggested, or you saw the same issues last time?
I wouldn't dream of having a child for a sleepover who hadn't ever been here before, not at that age anyway.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 18:11

aeroflot, I'm guessing you don't have pre-teen girls, otherwise you'll know that a sleepover is more than just getting together to play. Coming over during the day doesn't come close.

This is the DD's best friend and the OP has said she is not welcome for a sleepover. I think that's really sad.

KERALA1 · 17/05/2014 18:20

Anecdotally have found Spanish the most fussy Dutch the least. Italians fine but only if food Italian or English. If we have curry we give the Italians pizza...Chinese need rice at least twice a week or they get homesick

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 18:22

I'd like to point out that children can be both spoilt AND homesick/anxious. She may well spoilt and bossy, but that doesn't mean she wasn't also upset/anxious/unsure.

I think telling your DD that she can't have her best friend, who was otherwise well behaved, for a sleepover again because she didn't like your delicious homemade pizza or pancakes is disgraceful. You may be doing a fantastic job raising kids who'll eat anything, not doing much for their empathy though are you?

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 18:22

I'd like to point out that children can be both spoilt AND homesick/anxious. She may well spoilt and bossy, but that doesn't mean she wasn't also upset/anxious/unsure.

I think telling your DD that she can't have her best friend, who was otherwise well behaved, for a sleepover again because she didn't like your delicious homemade pizza or pancakes is disgraceful. You may be doing a fantastic job raising kids who'll eat anything, not doing much for their empathy though are you?

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 18:28

My DS (who isn't particularly fussy) wouldn't like pancakes. He doesn't have a sweet tooth and even on pancake day we make savory pancakes - thats it - once a year chicken filled pancakes. I can't believe you didn't even offer her some toast?! He'd eat toast, porridge, bacon sandwiches probably even some cereals.

Also DS eats pizza but if there is too much tomato paste or real tomato pieces it or too much cheese he probably wouldn't eat it - he doesn't really like tomato or too much cheese.

My 8 year old would be extremely nervous about going on a sleepover. And whilst I can understand your frustration that anyone didn't like your pancakes, not offering even toast just seems a bit mean.

Topseyt · 17/05/2014 18:40

I think you handled it just right.

They got to make their own pizza and decorate their own biscuits and she STILL didn't eat it!! Pancakes for breakfast would be a real treat as far as I am concerned. I would not have offered any alternatives either as I would just have been ticked off with her.

My approach would be the same as it is for my own children. There may be the occasional flexibility if there is good reason for it (allergies etc.), but other than that you eat what I provide or starve. I am not running a restaurant.

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 18:44

I've never, ever hosted someone without giving them some choice over what they eat/drink. If someone came for a cuppa, id offer them tea/coffee/water as a minimum!

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 18:44

I've never, ever hosted someone without giving them some choice over what they eat/drink. If someone came for a cuppa, id offer them tea/coffee/water as a minimum!

Kif · 17/05/2014 18:48

For my DD she would have been happy as Larry making pizzas etc - but she would have viewed it as a 'craft activity' - like paper mâché. She would have got very uncomfortable and cornered when she realised she was expected to eat it. Iyswim - she might have tried to be 'good' by making a 'nice' pizza - and totally missed the opportunity to say 'actually - is it ok if I just bake the dough and eat it with some vegetables on the side. Same with the biscuits - she wouldn't associate making something with being committed to eat it - and would view that as an underhand adult trick (like hiding horrid food on a fork under nice food).

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 19:02

topseyt surely you realise that just because you think pancakes are a treat doesn't mean everyone else should?

Some people think McDonalds is a treat - I would rather eat my own eyeballs than have one.

You sound just as inflexible as the OP - I expect your DC's friends will be staying away once they realise it's like the school dinner hall in your house.

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 19:07

So if you had an adult guest overnight. You'd make them pancakes without asking and sulk if they didn't like them and not suggest toast if you had nothing else Shock

CorusKate · 17/05/2014 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naty1 · 17/05/2014 19:18

Actually my relatives are not that fussy
Mil - wont have curry (nor garlic or onions - medical), brussels
Fil- apparently doesnt like chips much
Dh cucumber (lettuce),brussels
Me- cheese (cold) cstard, rice pudding, gravy
Dm burgers
Df ? Brought up after war seems to eat anything
Dd (2) pepper, meats, casserole sometimes. Fried eggs

But i guess this is out of usual foods as i also would not eat olives nor would DH
I hate rare meat, dark meat on chicken.
I think a lot of issues can be texture i dont like soggy food so no gravy or custard.. will only like melted cheese.
So i can prepare almost anythibg in these limitations, most problematic is the curry.
I think the fact they were from large families 4/5 kids or after war or with widowed mum has possibly made them less fussy as no spare food.
But i think its different what you choose to have (like making yourself or in restaurant) and what you will eat if its prepared for you

FatalCabbage · 17/05/2014 19:19

What is it about pizza? Grin

We had a 4yo over whom I knew to be a fussy eater - his parents despair, his brother eats anything. I'd checked in advance and offered exactly what I was told he liked in the pizza department, namely cheese pizza. But it was somehow Wrong. So I offered a jam sandwich which was at least half eaten. When I dropped him off she rolled her eyes but apologised for his fussiness (ie she eyerolled at him) and in turn I apologised for the not very balanced meal he'd had.

My DC are pretty good eaters but always come home from other people's houses ravenous. f I see the parents next day then in the context of "thanks again for having DC1" they often say "wow he's a really good eater - he had seconds of everything" and I don't mention that he had a jacket potato when he got in... He's stick thin with hollow legs and doesn't often encounter the foods he dislikes at other people's houses (eggs, mainly).

FatalCabbage · 17/05/2014 19:19

What is it about pizza? Grin

We had a 4yo over whom I knew to be a fussy eater - his parents despair, his brother eats anything. I'd checked in advance and offered exactly what I was told he liked in the pizza department, namely cheese pizza. But it was somehow Wrong. So I offered a jam sandwich which was at least half eaten. When I dropped him off she rolled her eyes but apologised for his fussiness (ie she eyerolled at him) and in turn I apologised for the not very balanced meal he'd had.

My DC are pretty good eaters but always come home from other people's houses ravenous. f I see the parents next day then in the context of "thanks again for having DC1" they often say "wow he's a really good eater - he had seconds of everything" and I don't mention that he had a jacket potato when he got in... He's stick thin with hollow legs and doesn't often encounter the foods he dislikes at other people's houses (eggs, mainly).

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 19:21

I find fish fingers far more reliable when it comes to feeding children than pizza. I find children notorious for saying they like pizza when they mean - the one specific pizza that mum always buys.

Kif · 17/05/2014 19:23

She would have followed the instructions - and made the nicest pizza she could - presumably assuming that the family would enjoy it - and not wanting to start dictating the situation. I think it is quite common with food anxieties to be about swallowing - so only manifest at the point of eating.

A similar thing happened to my veggie DH - he went to a party where the pre-party activity was everyone making sushi together (the host had got hold of some nice salmon). DH rolled up his sleeves and got on with the cooking - but obviously didn't eat any of the finished result.

OddFodd · 17/05/2014 19:24

What I think is really unkind is that she barely ate in the evening so you knew she would be starving. And yet you decided she was going to eat your pancakes for breakfast, no matter what. I find that pretty boggling.

I wouldn't worry about inviting her again - I shouldn't imagine she'll want to come

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 19:31

Agree, odd.

Even more bizarre is the fact that the OP woke up still cross from the night before, so decided not to even attempt to find out what her DD's guest would like for breakfast.

Actually sounds really petty to me.

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 19:42

It sounds like the girl was polite and didn't ask you to prepare anything special for her she simply declined to eat the food you put I front of her.

I would have asked if she would like some toast or cereal if I was worried about her being hungry.

I think you were mean and judgey about the child and the mother.

LtEveDallas · 17/05/2014 19:44

My DD is like Kewcumbers. She doesn't like pancakes at all, English or Fluffy American ones. She says they taste 'eggy' (she hates egg) and are too filling.

She will eat any plain cereal, toast with butter, toast with marmite and toast PBJ.

She doesn't have a huge sweet tooth - prefers dark chocolate over any other, so decorated biscuits wouldn't really interest her.

She will eat dominos bbq pizza or cheap frozen pizza, but not often. She doesn't like too much cheese, she doesn't like real tomato and can only just cope with tomato paste/sauce.

OP - what else did you offer the child last night - other than the biscuits or the pizza? When DD has had a friend over I tend to offer 2 or 3 things, asking the child what they would prefer. I would much rather a guest in my house (even if she is a child) felt welcome and 'pandered to' than unhappy.

Dozer · 17/05/2014 19:51

Dd is not a fussy eater but dislikes pizza and pancakes.

Must've been frustrating but YWBU not to offer basic toast or cereal for breakfast when she said she didn't like pancakes.

Dozer · 17/05/2014 19:52

Oh and you sound judgy about food fussiness and parents of DC like that.

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