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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:

tricot39 · 17/05/2014 21:00

Op - thinking about it, you seem hurt and irritated by this child rejecting your cooking.

Now imagine how it would feel if it was your child. At every meal. Every day. For years.

You could trying making the eat or starve stand, but i can tell you that when their weight curve drops off from say 60th to the 25th centile that stance doesnt feel so good.

ToysRLuv · 17/05/2014 21:13

Agree with SpamTroll and tricot.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/05/2014 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raskova · 17/05/2014 21:26

You sound smug op, really fucking smug.

^ this!!!!!

At first, you sounded reasonable. The more you went on, the more you sounded smug, petty, controlling, rigid and childish.

Agree with spam troll and tricot.

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 21:32

JohnCusack unless you're appearing on an episode of Come Dine with Me and will not be meeting your guests until they arrive for dinner, you do not need to cook a range of things. Consult with your guests in advance. 'Is there anything you can't/won't eat?' is a standard question.

treadheavily · 17/05/2014 21:44

I would have been very uncomfortable with the child not eating anything, I think I would have phoned the mother.

When my children's friends come over I always ask what they would like to eat, whether dinner or breakfast, and prepare that. I also offer have things like popcorn, crackers, fruit, yoghurt, corn chips, biscuits, toast, muffins... Anything really in case they need topping up. I would much rather they had a good time than a lesson on nutrition.

In your first post I thought you sounded quite reasonable but in your updates you revealed yourself to be smug and actually quite mean.

Loverofpeas · 17/05/2014 21:53

Think you did everything correctly OP. You offered alternatives within reason. You bent over enough to feed her.

Having a friend for a nice sleep over is totally different to having a distressed child in foster care.

My kids would have loved all the food you offered and would be up for more adventurous dishes too.

OfficerVanHalen · 17/05/2014 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 17/05/2014 21:58

I'm just posting to say that: of course pesto is a proper sodding meal!

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/05/2014 22:12

I would have done the same as op. I don't think she was BU.
How neurotic do we all have to be that someone can't leave a bit of food without another alternative being made at the last minute.
If that where my child as the guest I would not be angry, if food was offered but not forced that is enough. I don't expect my kid writing other households bloody shopping lists for them.

RiverTam · 17/05/2014 22:14

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read the OP's posts. I must say, you don't sound like much of a host! Would you treat an adult guest in the same way - not ask what they would like for breakfast, for example? Or do you always heave an internal sigh every time someone doesn't happen to like what your family does?

What you do with your own family is irrelevant when you have a guest. I'm a bit shocked that you seem to be happy that you are bringing your DC up to be as intolerant as you. Not everyone likes pizza (or homemade pizza) you know - why should they?

If your DD asked this child over again, allow it - just be a better bloody host!

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 22:23

Really rabbit? This is an 8 year old child - 8, barely old enough to cross the road on their own and first year in junior school and you'd be happy for them to eat an apple at dinner (fair enough a selection of stuff offered) and then offer them a rather non-standard breakfast and not even offer them a slice of toast instead.

I cannot believe how many of you would not offer a child this young the alternative of toast if they didn't like your beautifully crafted cordon bleu pancakes especially after barely eating the night before.

Offering a slice of toast is hardly going out of your way is it? Lordy, you'd let a child this young go without food that long to make a point that you'd "won" and you won't stand for any of this faddy nonsense like not liking pancakes in your house.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 22:25

I think I would feel dreadful that I hadn't managed to help the child feel comfortable enough to eat. Many children have strong dislikes of unfamiliar foods.
I am, as an adult, the least fussy eater I know.
As a child I can remember being truly repulsedby other kids' packed lunches. The sandwiches were the worst. Im sure i would have cried if id had to eat someone elses sandwich.
I think we should make allowances for children, especially when they're temporarily in our care.
If she'd gone to bed hungry I would have been very conscious to try and find some thing she liked for breakfast. I cannot fathom being so irritated by her behaviour that I would seek to compound her discomfort by offering only one option just to make her yield to my will.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/05/2014 22:25

People like this turn into my SIL as adults. Who brought her own portion of lasagna to a family meal at our house recently. Everyone else was having spaghetti bol

Apparently the betcha ell makes all the difference grin]

OTheHugeManatee · 17/05/2014 22:26

Bechamel, not betcha ell

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 22:27

Reading the op posts back, op seems quite reasonable, she is not boasting about her wonderful cooking, but not giving into fussiness which is good. She offered the girl several options for tea, and felt a bit defeated by breakfast. Why should op phone her mum to collect her if she hasent eaten tea! Silly really, if she is otherwise having a good time, which she was. If my dd doesent eat tea, who do I call to take her home?

From what op has said, her mum probably panders to her, and she might have just been nervous is a different house. Just stick to daytime and see how it goes. If you have a sleepover with her, ask her mum what she likes, offer breakfast options, toast, cereal etc.

PPaka · 17/05/2014 22:28

I think you were mean and not a very nice host
Would it have killed you to offer the child toast or cereal?
She's away from home, out of her comfort zone, I would think pancakes are completely alien to her
Not everyone does things the same as you

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/05/2014 22:28

I'm a bit shocked too that you sound as though you were pleased that your DCs were saying "don't you eat anything?". Hopefully you reminded them about their manners but I suspect you were secretly cheering them on.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 17/05/2014 22:29

So?
Firstly,you really cant know how this girl will "turn out"
And secondly, so what if she likes to eat something different?
Lasagne and spag bol are not the same thing.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 22:31

topseyt:

"I am inflexible and proud of it."

"In my house the family eat what I provide, there is nothing else."

Blimey, sounds like a laugh a minute in your house.

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/05/2014 22:32

Amanda the girl had left by 10am, that's when the thread was started.
That's not even a missed breakfast its a late breakfast with her own family instead.

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/05/2014 22:33

Sorry Amanda, I ment Kewcumber read too quickly!

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 22:33

^^ This

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 22:35

no I don;t think OP was boasting about her cooking exactly but she has said that everyone else likes her pancakes that she didn't even ask if the child liked pancakes as apparently all children like pancakes and pizza. I'm slightly amazed that OP has three children and never come across a child that doesn;t like pizza or pancakes - I've come across several.

I don;t even deny that the child could be a self entitled spoilt fussy eater who dominates her parents like a child Emperor.

But to not offer a child even toast for breakfast as an alternative to said pancakes because you're sulking that they wouldn't eat the night before seems to me just as much poor behaviour as a fussy eating 8 year old!

Kewcumber · 17/05/2014 22:38

This girl had an apple for dinner the night before so hardly just a missed breakfast. No she isn;t going to starve to death but I hardly think any adult that can't offer a child a slice of toast for breakfast is covering themselves in glory.

Its not exactly taking the moral high ground is it?

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