to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Needs yes if they refused everything on offer such as this girl, then they don't eat. Op running a home not a restaurant. I offer what I have to chikd or adult, if they don't like it tough.

I operate the same for dcs, I am not cooking 3 different meals. Dinner is e.g spaghetti, if they don't like it tough. Before bed I will give them toast/crumpets or cereal to fill their tummy. If it's something tgey really don't like they will have something from the freezer. Op was very accommodating and offered different things for tea

Well ok she was anxious, of course ones would try to make her feel happy and comfortable like op did, but not much you can do if a kudos does not eat, I would leave it and no try to force her. Op is just talking on here, not to the actual child fgs! Are we not allowed to have a moan. It's quite usual for some kids not to eat on sleepovers due to different reasons. Op has already said she is quite anxious about sleepovers, so that's probably some of tge reason. No biggie, they won't waste away.

It was more mums response, like it was op fault

If a child has issues around eating/trying normal food, then it is up to the parent to clearly explain to the hosts well in advance. It is unfair to leave the host unprepared and desperately shoving random items of food at the child in the hope that they eventually hit the right combination.

If they don't have issues then I (as the parent) would be cross that they had mucked the host around for no reason.

I had a friend who, as a child, only ate cucumber and raisins. Not cucumber on it's own or raisins on their own. I bet very few hosts would randomly stumble on that combination to meet my friend's requirements.

Yes tge parent should have told op about issues, and what their child preferred

Maybe the child doesn't normally have issues but was so anxious that she couldn't eat? I have to say that I know a lot of children who won't eat homemade pizza, however 'delicious' someone else thinks it is.

It sounds like the whole family made this little girl (and an 8 year old is still a little girl) feel very awkward because things weren't done like they were in her own house. I can remember feeling a bit anxious in other people's houses because they were different from my own at that sort of age and I'm nearly 50. Doesn't take a whole heap of imagination to be kind

Personally, I think I would have called the child's parents once I realised that she wasn't eating her evening meal, with a view to cancelling the sleepover. Not as any sort of punishment, but because the child was obviously uncomfortable and not really up to coping with a sleepover.

If I had a picky child like that, I would have said this: "What do you like to eat?" Or I would have phone the parent and asked them. And I wouldn't have made pancakes for breakfast. I don't like them myself do wouldn't presume an unfamiliar child did. Surely toast is the safest bet.

I was a nervous eater as a child. Not good with new things or in other people's homes.

It seemed like it went fine, but the girl did not want to eat. Mabey both parties were a bit anxious. Sounds like she wasn't ready for a sleep over just yet

I would have let the parents know as well if I had really not been able to find her something to eat. I never experienced this as will check what kids will eat before they visit as I have a child who won't just eat what's put in front of him if he doesn't like it. I used to mention this before he went to freinds houses. I wouldn't apply the same strict rule to guests as resident children because I don't eat stuff I don't like, I politely decline, so don't see why children should have too. There's a lot I couldn't eat as a child that I can now my taste buds have matured. I was never forced to eat anything and I expect if I had been I'd still associate that food with bad things now. My child also used to need to eat regularly or he'd feel unwell so I had to check what he would be fed, but as a stand by he'd always eat a cheese, ham or marmite sandwich or toast, so would tell parents that. I have another child, eats anything - so it's not me that made the fussy one that way, unless it's genetic!

Lots of children now only eat what they're used to. They often turn into adults who are equally difficult to feed. Quite a few of my in laws are like this; Last time they came we ate out for nearly every meal because whilst I have tried my damnedest to please everyone in the past it hasn't worked- my pie was wrong or the potatoes were the wrong shape or I hadn't sieved the Dolmio. Most other people rate my cooking as good.
You are not running a restaurant as a host. You tried to please her, you gave reasonable choices and she made no effort to be polite. Even the fussiest of mine wouldn't have been so rude.
Those of you who think that everyone stops being fussy as they reach adulthood.. They often don't. The reason most adults currently eat what they are offered is because their parents didn't pander to them the way this generation of parents do.

And yes, just because you find home-made pizza delicious - I'd rather a store-bought one. Because I'm picky. And while I like my cooking, in never totally at ease with someone else's.

When we have children round, with or without parents, I make sure I have plenty of fruit and baguette-style bread. Never yet met a child who couldn't survive on that. It's familiar and safe.

there's a huge range of reasons why a child may not eat at your house: food phobia; allergies; being picky; don't think your house looks clean; used to having their every whim catered to.

You can't tell from one visit which it is, and it isn't really up to you to decide which you think it is.

You can decide whether you want to invite a child round, knowing that food can be an issue. You should probably weigh up how much your child likes them, whether you can be welcoming to a child visitor, and if you just cba to cater for them.

But I don't think that you can assume that all children like certain things and just give them that.

I don't think it's the fussiness that people think the OP is being unreasonable about. That would annoy me, too, though I would never present one option for a meal then go all precious because a child didn't want it.

I think it's the judgmental angle - the OP clearly thinks her parenting style is superior and goes so far as to say she thinks the child is spoilt. The fact that this girl is her DD's friend seems to have totally passed her by. I'm still interested to know how she's going to break it to her DD that her friend is no longer allowed to sleep over because she turned down the OP's food.

I wonder if the OP will come back now that more people are saying she WBU?

Viewofthehills - really?

You don't have adults in your family who are highly particular about food? Examples I personally know include

-dF (as I said upthread) who always has to have a soup/meat & 2 veg (eg pasta, big salad, curry are all fails), a

-grandmother who won't eat rice ,

-a MIL who is constantly on some faddy diet which needs special cooking for,

-a friend who eats with his fingers,

-the Italian folk I mentioned who visibly turn their nose up at anything that isn't hyper familiar to them.

• obviously vegetarians, vegans, gluten frees (FWIW - my 'fussy' DD seems to have a dairy intolerance )

• Halal and Kosher

• a guy at work that has a weekly undisturbable ritual of a pizza express chilled pepperoni pizza

• a dude at work who survives on protein shakes and egg white omelettes

You honestly move in Nigella-like circles where you can throw a big tray of whatever in the middle of a party and all your guests will be delighted?

You sound somewhat controlling re food. I was a fussy child (fine now). I used to panic and feel sick about having to eat 'strange' food. I'd rather not make an 8-year-old feel like that in my house. It is not nice.

My DS eats anything but DD is like I was.

Kif - yes, I could put a big tray of whatever in front of my friends and family and they would eat it. The big trayful would be gluten free, but otherwise it would be exactly what I fancy cooking.

Than in that case op dd can still have friend round during the day.

suburbanrhonda
Olives are indeed the holy grail of parenting.
Along with houmus.

I'd never cook just one dish for a party.

My general approach when I'm feeding people I don't know well is modular self-assembly food (eg veggie and meaty chilli, rice, tomato salad, grated cheese
Or various grilled meat, roasted veg, bread and coleslaw). Obv I adapt if I know there is a particular issue (eg I go 100% veggie when there are Muslim guests - as it seems simpler - and I choose no-handling options like jacket potatoes and beans for allergies.

It's part of hosting IMO.

or I hadn't sieved the Dolmio.

???

Kif- pretty much. I do think Halal, celiac, vegetarian, dairy or egg- free requirements are in a totally different category to the others you mention though.
And I married a fussy eater who has made a big effort to gradually broaden his tastes to include most things and will certainly eat whatever he is given when a guest.
I would say that 2/3 of my children would have been very fussy had they not been encouraged to try and try things again. I have certainly never force fed them, but they are now pretty adventurous.

DS1 is rather fussy (linked to food allergies) and has been known to reject the 'wrong' kind of pizza/sausages/pasta sauce/whatever. I do make this abundantly clear whenever he goes to a friend's and I would always say that he might not eat what's offered, in which case I will feed him when he gets home.

However, although I don't his fussiness to be accommodated, I do it when parents make the effort to find something he'll probably like. And if he went for a sleepover I would consider it very U if he had not even been offered a slice of toast for breakfast.

Kif- your food sounds delicious and is quite similar to what I would do, but my in-laws wouldn't eat tomatoes, rice, chilli, roasted veg (I've tried). They might eat the meat and potatoes. The only meal they will all eat is a Sunday roast as long as it's beef or chicken.