to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

And read my earlier posts. I have been flexible with other people's small children. To the point I've even asked for dp to stay at friends houses just to avoid upsetting them as they hadn't met him.

I've always checked what kids will eat and extensively run through menus.

But because I don't have fish fingers and because the kids barely ate I'm still a bad host according to you lot because I had nothing else available that was quick and easy at the time.

It's also a bit of a waste if you put food in the freezer for visiting fussy differently tasting children, that your own children won't eat, and they don't eat it before the use by date. Not everyone can afford to throw away uneaten food. makes note to check date on half packet of fish fingers that DS doesn't like.

I would offer toast or crackers, I would have nothing apart from plain pasta that I could make up as I don't have these things in the freezer.

But as that's not a proper meal again it wouldn't count cos they were "snacks, not a meal"

My children do eat mostly home-cooked food and it doesn't stop them having food foibles; one is this year pulling mushrooms to the side of the plate. I can imagine that particular child rejecting a pasta sauce if it had a discernible peppery flavour and she is fickle over sausage, the more flavourful the less she is liable to eat of it. Oh and no cheese on a sandwich unless it's Cheddar. Gruyere and mozzarella are ok if they are not prominent. This doesn't concern me or shame me in an 8 year old. It just makes me wary in restaurants! And I do say to other parents don't worry.

I love food, I love cooking and it's only adults in my house and we still have fish fingers in the freezer :-)

Not copious amounts of peach salsa. Oh that did make me laugh. Loving this thread!

I've always checked what kids will eat and extensively run through menus.

No, ^^ THIS means you don't NEED an emergency stash of food.

But I sometimes make last minute 'why don't they pop over and stay for tea' requests because I live close to DS's, small village school so I know that I have something for those occasions.

(Also for the - I know I've checked but I couldn't be arsed getting to the supermarket in time for that child's visit moments...!!!)

Giles it's the comments I'm hot on too!

No Giles I was just commenting on how I didn't find it hard work to offer something and I don't run a cafe style kitchen either. A roll and butter is fine in my book if my child can't currently cope with someone else's black pepper (or whatever!).

The original OP just sounded fed up and mean.

I'm pretty rigid with my own kids however when friends come to tea it's a treat for all so we generally ask what they'd like and also gave treats like ice cream etc too.

My kids would be mortified if their friends didn't enjoy their time.

Had a friend recently who didn't like anything we had(last minute invite), I did Mexican assuming all kids would like it,had cheesy nachos etc followed by B&J yog raspberry and choc ice cream.Poor kid was very apologetic but didn't like/eat anything so dp took him up to the corner shop with DS to choose some ice cream he liked.

Indulgent yes but he was staying the night,clearly had food issues,was very polite and I didn't want him going hungry.Tea dates and sleepovers are supposed to be fun,a time to spoil them a bit.As I'm a bit slack as to doing them I like to give them a good time when we do.It's not the time to teach them life lessons,their mum can do that.

Whois our fish fingers are most likely to be eaten by my husband if he's in on his own. On a sandwich.

I lokrI would be happily raid my

This is all getting a bit silly. I wouldn't have a freezer full of 10 different options, and I wouldn't cook a 2nd meal for a child who didn't like the main choice. But I would,and do, usually ask the guest to choose between say homemade pizza and fish fingers, then cook that for all. If that's not an option, I have bread in and will offer a sandwich. At breakfast I would offer them bread, toast or cereal. It's not complicated, difficult, expensive or time consuming.

Sadly the one who really loses out is the OP's DD, who can no longer have her best friend over because OP insists all children like home made pizza and all children like pancakes. Yes, the child was being a bit of a pain but so are my DC sometimes, and they are forgiven!

I'm just wondering if most people here who feel children should be allowed to dictate what food they're given when they come to visit people's house as a guest, are also accommodating in this way with adult guests.

I keep wondering if it's a generational thing.

I'm 47 and it wouldn't occur to me to EVER say 'I don't eat that' or 'I don't like that' or 'have you got something else'? when I'm a guest as someone's house. (obviously I'd request something different if I was allergic to the food on offer, or it wasn't allowed in my religion). This is the way I was bought up and these social rules applied to me as a child. My view is that when someone offers you hospitality they are giving you a gift, and just as I wouldn't hand a gift back and say 'no thanks, it's not my colour', it wouldn't occur to me to reject their food. It's about acknowledging the spirit in which the food is offered.

As I said earlier, I do understand people wanting to be kind and welcoming by offering alternatives to children if what you first suggested isn't acceptable to them, and I think this is laudable. But from a parent's point of view I think children should be encouraged to accept food in the spirit of generosity with which it's offered, and to understand that part of growing up is sometimes having to eat food which isn't to your taste, and that doing this does you no harm at all.

But there were posters who said that it wasn't a suitable and that we should rustle up anothe meal.

I'd have no problem doing toast or crackers. I would however not cook anything else as I can't afford to waste it if the kid changes her mind.

And I'm saying that even when you so make the effort to find out what they like your version of it may not be to their tastes. And that's when it comes down to the mum to explain they have preferences or don't like something in their sauces, and to where possible to try and broaden their child's food experiences so a brand of pizza vs home made isn't an issue and people don't have to keep food they won't eat or kids cant eat just in case. Because it really isn't down to the host to have to keep offering food with no idea of what the kid eats and hoping for the best and potentially making the problem worse.

I'd feel bloody awful and pissed off that the mum never said. I'm not a witch I would have gone and got something. But I don't drive I have two kids and id like some notice that I need to get a specific item. ( although obviously in an emergency or spur of the moment I'd try my best )

And if it's not possible to say, just explain that there may be a problem so we can be extra vigilant on watching how the kids feeling.

Giles..I didnt mean girl in OP had SN.

I was talking about the girl scheherezade had called spoilt who could never chew lumps and had a speech issue and was unable to use knife and fork at 15.

With my older child it wasn't much of an issue Lemis. Social conformity has overridden his food dislikes by late primary. He has learned to like curry, after rejecting it at home for years. He was taught by me that he is to accept others' food with thanks. But at the younger ages people usually asked for preferences anyway.

At our table I refuse to allow face-pulling or really any signs of disgust: he was to have a go and the strongest response allowed is "it's not my favourite."

"At our table I refuse to allow face-pulling or really any signs of disgust: he was to have a go and the strongest response allowed is "it's not my favourite."

I say 'if you don't like it, you don't have to have seconds'.

I'm 47 and it wouldn't occur to me to EVER say 'I don't eat that' or 'I don't like that' or 'have you got something else'? when I'm a guest as someone's house

I am 42 and had no problem at all telling a host that I wouldn't have her starter of Smoked Salmon Soup. I hate fish, the mere thought of a soup made of it made me gip. I was polite about it - far more polite that bringing it back up in between courses. I would also happily turn down veal and offal.

It's not rude, it's simply honest.

Read through a lot of the posts, it's really got people going...... so here's my tuppence worth. Yes YWBU not to offer her an alternative to pancakes. An apple would probably have worked, seeing as she had one the night before. Anything really just as long as she ate. You are the adult and you are not pandering to fussiness if you offer alternatives, you are feeding a hungry child who is away from home for the first time. In saying that YANBU IMO not to have a freezer full of processed foods for the child who eats nothing else. There's an ethical question around just feeding processed food rather than real food to a child, even if it is just one meal. My 9 month old nephew eats only out of jars and packets. He didn't decide that......
.My 5 year old son had a friend over for a two hour play date. He said he only eats chicken goujons, sausages and chips, none of which I had in the house. We went through my cupboards, fridge and fruit basket. He refused everything, including drinks-milk, juices, water.I know it was just for two hours, but I felt awful that I couldn't feed him a snack. Refused crackers, bread, plain biscuits, fig rolls. He eventually asked if I had raisins which I did, and he ate a few of them. I apologised to his mother when she picked him up and she was mortified. She said that his sister eats everything but he's really fussy. She repeatedly said he was weird (not nice, poor him). Roll on two weeks and he bounced up to me and stated that he had eaten pineapple the day before. I made a big fuss of him and he told me he was thinking about trying a banana. Bless! Anyway my point is that there have always be fussy eaters but there hasn't always been processed food, and feeding them to our children on a regular basis is not good. It really isn't! Food nazism IS NOT good but you can cagoule children into trying things sometimes, and if you have them overnight and they aren't eating call mum or dad and look for advice. You want the little ones to have fun when in your house and not to be stressed about food. My little visitor copped that if he was to visit again that there was a good chance I'd have pineapple and banana and let me know. So I suppose you could have handled it better OP regardless of how you feel the child behaves. Punishing bad behaviour (IYO, don't think from what you've written that it was terrible) by refusing food is very wrong and if I were you I'd do some serious reflection on how i responded to her refusing your pancakes. Not very caring and even though my kids are great grubbers I would have serious reservations about them being in your care.

I'm older than Lemiserableoldgimmer - and there are a few things I don't eat, and I would apologise and say so (or in case of SIL - who should know after 25 years - don't so much apologise).
Said SIL though, was a health nut when her kids were younger (made her own bread and grew her own veg, etc. etc.) but she still kept a small bag of chicken nuggets and oven chips in the freezer for visiting children who were awkward.

Of my own children DD will try to eat most things when out, although she is a very fussy eater at home.
DS eats almost anything, but can be hit by the things he just can't eat when out (mashed food, especially mashed potatoes and batter - such as Toad in the Hole or Yorkshire puddings).

For breakfast I would expect most children would eat Toast or Cereal, or at a stretch I would offer fruit/milk. (Pancakes might be a treat - but not everyone likes them.)

Im with Lesmiserable totally! The things I have forced down in the name of politeness. I struggle with fussy eaters.

Mine would eat cereal, but most of them without the milk, only Weetabix with milk, and it has to be completely soaked in so you can't see any white.

Even the DS who drinks milk is like this. Bizarre, my two......

Topaz we have no information on whether this pizza was better than shop bought. I'm not a huge fan of pizza but M&S and Waitrose do some pretty good ones which I would put money on being better than something knocked up by a bunch of children.

I'm also a fairly competent cook- game birds with their feathers and guts intact, ungutted fish, mayonnaise, choux pastry, meringues, roux, etc from scratch, what to do with a selection of random ingredients don't phase me at all. I don't buy shop bought cakes (and come up with things like hpmemade Tunnocks tea-cakes and snowballs which usually provoke "how do you do that"?)

But pizza? Really why bother. I've seen so many recipes for homemade pizza dough, some which use yeast others which don't. The ones without yeast are basically scone dough. They will not be better than a shop bought pizza. My friends are good cooks and I don't think I've ever heard of them making home-made pizza. It's regularly referred to on here as being marvellous but frankly I'd put it in the same category as stuffing courgette flowers and home-made baked beans-namely life is too short (and I have made home-made baked beans, which along with the home-made trifle sponges were a huge waste of time)

I like shop bought pizza's

Home made ones usually have too much dough, random bits of undercooked peppers and the wrong kind of cheese.

Love pancakes though, DS doesn't really do sweet stuff (though he likes nutella) or dairy - so no sugary cereals, yoghurts, jam on toast, pancakes for us.

We eat a LOT of bagels for breakfast.