to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

After various meals I made were rejected, I learnt very early on that a stock of sausages, fish fingers, pizza and chicken nuggets in the freezer would mean that every visiting child had a choice that they would eat. It wasn't worth the angst to do otherwise. I insisted mine ate their veg. I didn't worry about other kids unless I knew their parents would insist too. My best friends kids were round regularly. They were treated as our own.

As they have got older, the number of different children coming has diminished. I know which ones I can just serve up our normal meal. If not, I know what they will eat, so can make sure that I have that in or the kids can pick it up from the shops.

As a result, I could say yes to impromptu invites, kids were happy to come and everyone got something they wanted- except one child who ate bread and drank water. Even our chocolate biscuit selection were the "wrong types" . Fortunately that child wasn't a great friend and didn't come again!

I don't think the majority of people have said it's silly to try. I think they've pointed out that it's silly to assume that shop brought and homemade are the same thing and that a child who likes one will automatically like the other.

Pizza is a fairly broad category they can vary a lot and not just in the topping. If you only ever buy/make one type it might be quite easy to go 'oh yes, she eats pizza' when asked because she always has eaten pizza when you put it in front of her.

But also worrying that it would not occur to someone that they might get served something different somewhere else and instead of working on broadening tastes (if possible) or warning the mum of the fact, that they just assume it's normal that everyone buys pizza and that preparing their child for being presented with something home made is not an eventuality the parent considers.

Because everyone buys this crap don't they??

I mean are we really all assuming that every kid that comes for tea has a SN?

Or are we just resigned to the fact that kids eat crap?

Really. It's all very well saying we have a stash on stand by just in case, but why? Why are we assuming that we will even need it?

Oh God, DS is 7 and I can see this being an issue.

He is only starting to like pizza, and not all of them.

He will eat fish fingers, chicken nuggets, a simple ravioli with either a tomato sauce or a white sauce, pasta with meatballs, pancakes, sausges. These he will eat anywhere.

At home he will eat roast chicken, chicken stroganoff, shepherds pie, schnitzels, kievs, pizzas, battered fish etc. But he will rarely eat someone else's version of them. He eats a good selection of standard vegetables, but if they do more than just steam them, again, he won't touch them.

I find it a nightmare when we go out, so stick to simple choices and make sure there's bread around.

But if he was going to someone's house I would say he's a bit of a nightmare with food, and simple pasta with a choice of toppings in bowls would be perfect for him. Who gives a flying fig about nutrition when it comes to just 1 meal.

If he didn't eat anything I would apologise to the host and tell them please not to worry, he was just being a pita and he won't have starved not eating for just one or two meals.

That being said because I have made it clear to other hosts, most times he is given something he will eat. The few times he hasn't been he's had some bread and he's topped up at home - but only with something simple like a sandwich. I refuse to make a whole meal for him - he had a chance at a meal and passed it up!

I don't think you can just "assume no sn", really it's not that uncommon and frankly if the behaviour is such that it is beyond OPs experience perhaps it is a reasonable option?

See I do agree with this.

But it is also just as likely that the kid either doesn't recognise food outside mass produced frozen versions or that she was being a pain in the back side on purpose?

And that this could be a lesson in realising that kids are all different and undiagnosed problems are rife.

But also a lesson in what society has become on the sense that consumption of readyeals and processed food is at an all time high and it's affecting our kids not just health wise but in their abilities to enjoy social occasions where familiar food is not present. And that They will end up like children in America that Jamie Oliver visited, who didn't eve. Know what fruit was or that chips came from potAtoes.

Only adults in our house and potato waffles are a 'must have'. Potato waffles, baked beans and melted cheese is my fave meal. I really hate pesto though.

Pesto is such a strong taste, you either love it or you hate it. Wouldn't be something I'd offer a child as a first choice unless I absolutely KNEW they would like it.

I think it's very worrying that there seems to be a consensus that society should just bend over for fussy children, and that the only people who have a right to present the child with unfamiliar foods are the parents.

Coming into contact with things you are not familiar with in a social setting is a life lesson and we shouldn't be making a case for avoiding it for our own or other children. If there are special needs issues, fine - parents should warn, but otherwise we are harming children by cushioning them from the unfamiliar and the challenging.

I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption to assume that pizza is going to be shop bought or takeaway on a sleepover. I was brought up on home cooked food mostly cooked from scratch, I can count the number of times I've had a homecooked pizza on 1 hand. 99 times out of 100 when someone says 'let's have pizza for dinner' it's been shop bought. I would be surprised if it was home made.

I don't think the other mum is entirely blameless but that doesn't stop the OP being unreasonable. Personally, as a host, I would be quite upset if someone felt uncomfortable enough that they couldn't eat at my house and I hadn't done anything to try and solve that. I wouldn't have offered a choice of 3-4 meals, but I might have asked what sort of things they do eat and seen if there was something there I could rustle up quickly.

What I absolutely wouldn't have done was to assume that everybody likes a particular food item and then refused to offer anything else because I was fed up with the person in question. IMO that goes beyond just being poor manners.

I think it's time to wake up and see there's a problem here. I mean come on, filling up freezers full of food we won't eat? Since when was that an option for people? I have a smoky of four I can't afford to take up already limited space with food that gives me one meal and not left overs that I rely on.

You may not think it's much, and you may not think it's not a big deal to have a box of burgers/nuggets etc in Your freezer but when that space being taken up means people can't grab that reduced to clear meat joint that would do them several meals, it is a problem.

A family (suns in my eyes )

Really? A couple of boxes of home brand fish fingers would make your freezer unusable for you? I keep a few boxes of Sainsburys basics brand in the freezer, they take up hardly any space, cost pennies, and I have an emergency meal for any visiting child.

I don't have a chest freezer. I have a small one under my fridge and one other that has draws. It doesn't actually hold much, I already have to take things out of the packaging to fit them in.

HDQ, you sound v straightforward and v nice about it all. If you forewarned me there would be no problem at all.

I am not, on the other hand, prepared to spend bloody ages on a Saturday night 'rustling up' alternatives to bloody pizza.

And if a child were polite about breakfast it would make a lot of difference as to whether they were offered an alternative.

I have never, in 13 years of parenting, had an 'emergency stash' of food to offer kids who won't eat. And yes, I used to ask in advance if there was anything they didn't eat: 99 times out of 100 pasta with tomato sauce was allegedly fine, according to their parents. Sometimes they wouldn't eat it. If they were polite but struggling, I'd try and help them. If they said "I don't like this", I wouldn't.

Giles I have had a slim pack of fishfingers in ice compartments that couldn't fit a joint of meat in, but then I know they will be eaten at some point. I don't bend over backwards but just am willing to be a bit flexible with an 8 year old. Many kids WILL try new foods in someone else's home, others can feel a bit tense about it. Adults don't need to add judgement and into the mix, and letting your kids comment is awful in my book.

I don't carry a lot of spare capacity in my food storage either , so I might buy in a bit extra if there are guests, but things my family will eat up later anyway.

Giles, you keep digging at that. Not a single person on this thread has suggested "filling up a freezer". I seem to be the person that has the 'most' food for visiting kids, or at least the person that listed it, and I'm telling you now, it takes up the same amount of space as a bag of frozen broccoli - hardly "filling" the freezer, and there is enough there for at least 4 meals from the frozen food alone. I could also rustle up another 3-4 meals from tinned stuff if needed.

Why is that a problem?

We always buy that kinda stuff as and when, as the boxes take up space we don't have. I freeze alot of left overs and keep things like part baked rolls and wraps and joints of meat that are reduced or cheap. I don't eat a lot of meat so I also take up a lot of space with bags of vege mince and sausages.

I'm not being deliberately awkward but there is very little space in mine. My kids are dairy free do most stuff made from scratch and I don't like jarred sauces so I have tubs of pasta sauce and soups and stock that take up space.

I haven't even got room for ice cream right now the horror

Sorry Giles I didn't mean that to read that your children had commented - it was the OP's.

I've never had room for ice-cream, which is a blessing really as I like it too much!

I don't reckon I've ever had an unfussy child past my door. I've long since given up assuming anything - I now ask about the specifics of exactly which brand of sausages little Timmy will eat, rather than waste my own cooking on him. I also forewarn/apologise to other parents about my own darling's sweet little foibles.

Oh don't worry my kids wouldn't comment :)

They'd be sent to their room. I wouldn't have that.