to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Exactly katie

Most of us aren't complete bitches, of course we would cater for allergies. I comply every day for that at school. Bit no parent in their right mind would send a kid somewhere and not tell them about the allergy.

This is completely different

haven't got to the bottom of the thread but the naked pasta from Napoleon is a fab idea. when fussys come around I'm going to do that. and at suggestions that pasta always has a red sauce.

You keep saying she doesn't have anxiety, but her actions say otherwise.

• She doesn't want to sleep over
• When he mom was there, she was extra clingy
• She didn't want to eat

Those are all signs of anxiety.

But more to the point, it's not the fact she didn't eat. Skipping a meal won't hurt anyone. It's your attitude that she's simply spoiled and catered to too often.

Unless you are an expert in LD's or MH issues, you don't get to decide if she's being spoiled or not over food.

I'm trying to imagine this reversed.

My dd recently went for a sleep over. She is a very fussy water and all I have the mum to go on was "she eats pizza" of course the kind of pizZa provided was wrong and she went without. She was offered a few snacks after, turned down every single one and poor girl was so hungry she actually had to eat an apple. Aibu reasonable to think everyone buys their pizzas from tesco and knows kids only eat plain ones, and every one has a stash of children's food in the freezer incase their second cousin who lives 64 miles away who only eats orange food drops by?

I bet there would be many a post explaining that parent should let hosts know and that not everyone has money to buy lots of extra stuff in to waste

No Giles: THIS is the AIBU that you keep missing:

My DD is a picky eater and is quite difficult. For example, she insists on eating as soon as we get home. I wonder if she might be a bit anxious actually. Anyway her best friend, who is the youngest of several and therefore more confident socially than my DD, has been inviting her to sleep over recently and though I've been anxious about this as she hasn't had a sleepover before, I allowed it.

When I went to pick her up, best friend's Mum said she hadn't eaten much and looked a bit disapproving (all her kids eat anything) and I was mortifed when DD then asked for a takeaway pizza in her hearing.

First, AIBU to think that my DD was probably not ready for a sleepover as she was unable to eat despite being hungry? And WIBU for her best friend's mum never to have her stay over again because she was so upset with my DD for not eating? I don't think my DD didn't eat 'in order to' upset her friend's mum.

Except in your version there's enough reason there for the mum to have been more specific and avoid the whole thing!!

Am I alone in feeling that pizza (make your own) is actually giving a lot of options. Apart from the base, which is the same for everyone, you can have it with / without tomato sauce; with/without cheese and then, Aladdin on whatever toppings are available.

We do this regularly for a huge number of children who come through. We have had all combinations. My son has even managed to make a stuffed crust, of sorts. Some just put ham on top of the cheese, others put everything I can find on top. They all seem to like it.

I think OP has been unfairly treated, actually. Pizza offers plenty of choice. I would not have bread in, unless it was on the menu plan (use a bread machine, live very remotely) and we only have one local supermarket (shit - tiny Co-op) within 50 miles, so we would not be popping out for extras. We have had the odd complaint about the lack of junk. I think to some children a sleepover is code for eat crisps and Haribo while drinking Coke and watching films all night. They tend to go away disappointed as we just don't have that stuff.

We do, however, let them make their OWN pizza with choice of toppings. We give them ice cream and choice of flavours and toppings. We usually do cooked breakfast or eggy bread or toast (if I have made bread) but don't buy cereals at all as no one here eats them. We have porridge.

But I am with the OP. If the Mum hasn't signalled a problem and, in fact, has agreed to pizza. If the child has no allergies or SNs. Why on earth would you plan for said child to hate everything you offer and buy in a whole load of crap, just in case, also, thereby, storing up problems with your own children.

My guess is PFB wanted sweeties and crisps and was disappointed.

Oh, and we have had one guest refuse ice cream because, "I only like the yellow vanilla one, not the white vanilla"

An if any of that were actually true of the child in a capacity diagnosed by someone else other than posters in an Internet forum who have never met her and who (naturally ,as it is red car senario) see traits of their own children in her and can't be sure of it's not just them reading stuff into it,

Then the mum was an idiot because she's never going to want to stay anywhere again and there's no way op would hae found anything to make her happy

The only reason my DS has a diagnosis is because I paid for it privately. He's been discharged by the NHS who said he has significant sensory issues but for various funding reasons, they can't/won't help him.

He's popular and is in mainstream education. Not one of his friends' parents realised there was anything 'wrong' with him until I told them. Even friends who have known him since birth find it hard to believe because it is most evident in a school situation where he finds the structure/routine/noise/colour/amount of people overwhelming. So if this child's parents either don't know or don't want to broadcast their DD's issues, I can quite clearly see how this situation arose.

FWIW my DS would have happily made pizza but wouldn't have eaten it. He would then have got quite stressed and probably not eaten anything. If he's invited to a friend's and their parent says to me 'does he like pizza?' I say yes because he does like supermarket pizza/pizza express pizza. A lovingly handmade pizza from a genuine Italian pizzeria? No chance.

And some of his 'rudeness' is also connected to his disability FWIW.

Fanjo and zzzzz - the child has no disabilities of any kind (and in answer to your next question, which is going to be, how do I know, I've known her since birth). No fine motor skills, bright, capable, good at sports, academic (at a very selective school).

As I said in my post, I wasn't referring to children with disabilities, I was referring to overly pampered ones, such as this child. And her mother now admits that this was her fault by pandering to her DD, who is the most spoiled child I have ever known - as DD1 says, Emily sees, Emily wants, Emily gets, Emily screams if she can't get what she wants, Emily gets what she wants.

Bit of course this is MN where the solution is apparently toast and plain pasta and a freezer full of stuff your kids won't eat.

I think your behaviour was disgraceful.

The child is 8 years old. You must have known she would have been ravenous after not eating the day before so why not ask her what she felt like eating for breakfast? Any reasonable person would do this. Yet you deliberately left her hungry just because you took it as a personal affront that she didn't like your cooking.

Feel so sorry for the child and if I were her mother I'd be fucking furious.

Your posts make you sound like a very unpleasant and arrogant person.

And no child is ever just spoiled, but has underlying issues or syndromes that are to blame for bad behaviour...

Giles, maybe the mum didn't know that DD wouldn't eat, given that DD hasn't had a sleepover before? I didn't know that my son wouldn't eat the first time he went out. And it was to a mum who lovingly cooked him home made spag bol, which he didn't eat because it was different from my spag bol. Luckily she didn't take it personally, and I didn't worry as he's not going to die from one missed meal. For me the issue here (as I keep saying) isn't that the girl didn't eat, or that the OP didn't provide a range of alternatives, but THE OPs INSISTENCE THAT IT IS WILFUL SPOILED BEHAVIOUR CAUSED BY POOR PARENTING AND SHE WILL NOT HAVE THIS CHILD STAY AGAIN. when by all accounts her DD and the child enjoyed the evening, so why not have her again? But make different food arrangements or just chill about the food? It needn't be seen as such a huge issue.

I can see why you found it frustrating and I'm not convinced I'd invite her back for a sleepover again in your shoes.

But you could have offered toast. There's no guarantee the mum was annoyed with you, she could easily have been annoyed that her daughter had refused to eat.

I don't recall my friends parents ever asking me or my own parents what I liked to eat. They just gave me food and expected me to eat it.

It was usually fine but occasionally enlightening/awful.

Op, I do think you are getting a hard time on this thread. I understand that by the time breakfast time came around you were exasperated by the continual food refusal. It sounds as if you have hosted many sleepovers over time and this one took you by surprise. My DD is fussy and we have a friend who is a food faddist so I know how frustrating it can be. It sounds a bit like her DM panders to her a bit, or gives in quickly shall we say. If I'd been in your position I would have phoned her DM the night before and asked for her to be collected because I wouldn't have let it carry on.

I also think the posters who are knocking the yoghurt and pasta thing should know that in some cultures yoghurt is added to a main meal. In Turkey, for example it is very common. It's plain yoghurt, not fruit flavoured

The kid had fun and was not traumatised in anyway. Her kids were kind and pleasant and said nothing about it and kept quiet when the child got bossy and rude as did op

Now I very much doubt that if your child turns down every single scrap of food offered. Everything. That she must have these traits at home too and the mum most likely knew!!

That she doesn't (not must)

You were told she liked pizza. You made her pizza. She didn't eat the pizza. You offered her lots of alternatives. She chose not to eat all gbe child friendly food offered. I can't see the problem. You offered her food for breakfast and she chose not to eat it. She was collected very early before 10am so probably had a late breakfast.

I recon all the people who keep throwing up lots of issues are the ones who feed their children crappie processed 'kiddie friendly' foods instead of normal healthy everyday family meals.

Actually, one of DS1's rules is that pasta does always have red sauce (soup is always red, too) :o

And DS2 will eat neither pasta nor soup. Nor rice. Nor veg.

With 2 boys with ASD and fairly restricted diets, we simply don't all eat the same thing, unless it's fish & chips. Crinkly chips, though - DS1 won't eat straight ones (or potato in any other form whatsoever).

The irony is that she refused the pizza you offered but instructed her mother to buy her pizza the following day. Very odd.

Well earlier she had unclear speech and struggled to use a knife and fork Scheherazade, but now she is outstanding student with fabulous fine motor skills. Doesn't add up