to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Oh - and last time DS1 had natural yoghurt, we had to clean it up again.

He would love the DIY pizzas. His anxiety around eating (in addition to his sensory issues with food) can often be ameliorated by a DIY sandwich and he's been nagging me to make DIY pizzas, as he can't eat cheese (gives him migraines and we have to clean that up again, too, about 6 hours later).

loverofpeas I'm guessing you don't hve a child with food issues.
My DD is what you ( and others with no idea whatsoever) would call fussy or spoilt or whatever. She eats about 10 things. She would not have eaten pancakes and might have eaten home made pizza, unless it looked nothing like the pizzas she is used to ( which are also home made).
Her favourite food is actually raw broccoli and raw carrots but she will eat my home made chicken nuggets.
When I tell people she has food issues they assume I mean she only eats chips - she actually won't eat chips at all.
So no, I don't feed my children kiddie friendly processed crap - but if it was the only thing DD would eat then I probably would rather than let her starve, because contrary to totally uninformed opinion a child won't always eat when hungry.

Loverofpeas

She didn't eat the pizza. You offered her lots of alternatives

No, the OP did not offer this 8 year old child any other main meal , she offered snacks.

You offered her food for breakfast and she chose not to eat it

OP offered pancakes for breakfast, which child didn't like. My DS whos 6 doesn't like pancakes. Is it so hard to get your kind around the fact there are foods some people don't actually like? Op did not offer any other alternative for breakfast and didn't ask what the child was like, extremely rude.

The irony is that she refused the pizza you offered but instructed her mother to buy her pizza the following day. Very odd

Why is it odd to understand some children will not like home made pizza but may like shop bought?

I recon all the people who keep throwing up lots of issues are the ones who feed their children crappie processed 'kiddie friendly' foods instead of normal healthy everyday family meals.

Now that is an example of the smug, sanctimonious thinking you are superior etc etc that resonates from the OPs posts. You have no idea what people feed their children. There is nothing wrong with fish fingers, shop pizza etc in moderation - the clue is moderation. As it happens my kids do prefer home cooked food and will eat freezer food but not ready meals.

Well if the yoghurt and pasta thing works for the poster who suggested it then that's good isn't it?

Op, no matter what you say you will get a mixed response.

loveofpeas I don't thin it's ironic that she asked her mum for pizza.
She's know to be a bit nervous or introvert or fussy or whatever.
She on a sleepover- first time ever, and is expecting pizza, which she likes, but it isn't the pizza she's used to. So she couldn't eat it. It was probably a bit upsetting. But her feelings (this person who has been on earth for all of eight years) are less important than a grown woman who cba to scramble an egg or offer toast, or even the previously successful apple? Not for me.
It's very common for children to feel like that about unfamiliar food.
To some children their favoured pizza and an alternative brand, or homemade are as different as sausages and crayfish.
She's been looking forward to pizza. She probably finds it a comforting thing to eat, if it's the type she's used to, and all she's eaten is an apple.

Pizza for breakfast is entirely not weird. Bread, cheese, tomato.

I can see hat some ppl find fussy eaters tiresome. But she's the ops dd's best friend. I would have made more of an effort, and at the very
Least, been much more forgiving.

I do feed my child kiddy friendly crap. Accepting that's all he will eat (because it's 'safe' ) has seen him go from being very very underweight to okay. If I change his food, he won't eat. At all. So judge away, I Couldn't give a shiny shit

Oh and something to point out is that some middle class kids eating 'good' diets are getting too much fibre and not enough fat in their diets. I know a child who became malnourished as a result of her mother's extreme 'healthy' eating programme.

I think most ppl have had adults for "sleepovers" who've been given a better choice of breakfast.

this was not the child's first sleepover!
Read OP's first post - she has recently started sleepovers.
I wonder if she ate at the other homes she stayed at or if this is a recurrent problem?

zzzzz - eggs are a total no-go as she's hugely allergic to them - to the extent that vaccines were an issue due to albumen. Likewise she's allergic to everyday ingredients like pepper, so processed/ready foods (like chicken nuggets) just aren't safe unless you go through the ingredient list every single time you buy them (we learnt that one the hard way). It was easier to make things from scratch as you know what is in the food and there is no danger of cross-contamination.

And yet some posters think there is something intrinsically wrong/you are trying to prove some sort of moral superiority simply because you don't have stocks of food your family doesn't eat.

A child with multiple allergies can have a very restricted diet indeed - and that means the rest of the family does as well to avoid the risk of accidental contamination - but it doesn't mean life necessarily has to be restricted or misery inducing. You have to be scrupulously careful and endlessly inventive with the ingredients you can use safely. Oh - and be prepared for the child developing a new allergy out of the blue. That one ended up being blue-lighted to hospital and where she had to be put on a ventilator.

Well Fanjo - she can't use a knife and fork properly, because for the first 11 years of her life, she shovelled mush into her mouth with a spoon. Why did she never eat proper food? Because she said she "didn't like lumps" and her mother pandered to her by pureeing all of her food. Hence her speech was affected because she had never learned to chew. It's like I have difficulty using chopsticks because I've never used them, but can handle a pen and knife and fork perfectly well. However, she is bright and has never had difficulty using a pen or pencil, so there are really no difficulties with her fine motor skills.

Zzzz - you say a "level of social and emotional immaturity". I say "spoiled", due not just to this issue, but also the way she has been brought up. Let's beg to differ on that one, shall we?

Oddfod, for every m/c child undernourished from being fed on mung beans there are probably 50 children raised on beige foods only who will become adults at higher risk of cancer and heart disease from a severe lack of fruit and vegetables in their diets. My nephew is like this. At 32 he only eats 2 vegetables: sweet corn and carrots. No whole grains, no fish, no leafy greens. His diet is really shit. I know some children 'branch out' with their diets as adts but many don't. It's not a good thing.

And no, no, no.
I am one of those lucky parents who can smugly take my DCs out to restaurants and they'll happily tuck into all the MN, middle class favourites that would grace a tapas or meze table.
The thing is, I'm not stupid or smug enough to believe there's anything morally superior about my food choices or my dcs. They like broccoli, and broad beans. whoppeee! and fish fingers and nesquik

My ds dislikes mashed potato. He just wouldn't eat it. Many ppl would find that odd, and consider him fussy.

and why would someone be automatically so much more accommodating of. Child with SN?
Do ppl really not understand that lots of ppl have "issues" with food? The absence of a diagnosed disability doesn't preclude someone from having food issues. They can't help it.

I feel for the child. Just 8, away from home, her environment, her family, she was undoubtedly anxious and that was affecting her appetite.

In that scenario, I would have rung the mother and said I was a bit concerned about her not eating anything, and perhaps she could suggest something.

As for offering her pancakes or bugger all, well, that's just cruel. You were a bit frustrated and pissed off, but for heavens sakes, the girl was very young, a guest and had been with you less than 24hours. I hope you have a bit more patience with your own children.

Well lumps are usually introduced around 7-10 months of age so not only is that child bright, shehe she must be on a bloody gifted list somewhere to have actually said she " didn't like lumps" at that age.
Some children are very resistant to modifying food textures in the weaning period. So, often the only way to get them to eat is to move back to an earlier stage of oral acceptance and purée or liquefy their food.
It's a myth that these "fussy" issues are "caused" by " indulgent parenting". Just because this mother you refer to has voiced an acceptance of her culpability in her dd's food issues doesn't make it the truth.

My fussy eater's only "kiddie" foods are squashems and chicken nuggets. He refuses many "treat" foods, as well, so he definitely doesn't "only eat crap" or whatever.

He eats most raw veg and fruit (which, according to my understanding, have more nutrients intact, anyway), bready products, chips, cheese, eggs, etc. Also, he loves spicy food and eats raw chives, chili ryvita, chunks of parmesan, likes black pepper on things, etc. He just doesn't like many mixed, sloppy textured, or cooked things right now (they can make him actually gag).

This is the thing about these forums everyone knows a difficult child, who they can blatantly see is spoiled, but when these children are referred to the 'you don't know that' brigade jump up to defend the dc with genuine sn as if seeing a child is spoiled is denying that other children have deeper issues not caused by their parents.

The parents in these cases create the need in the child to be so particular I have witnessed the mother of a 'fussy' eater standing next to her dd saying 'wait for it' when the child requested to try something my ds was eating, the kid requested out of curiosity and the mother stood at my kitchen side suggesting to the child indirectly that she probably wouldn't like a tuna sandwich by pulling faces like a fucking child herself and telling me in front of her dd that she would 'spit it out in a minute' the lunatic had squash on standby for her to 'wash it away'. I know there are dc with sn's that cause them much anxiety around food or social eating but children can also be encouraged to be fussy. The mum here 'has to' put 2 bags of hula hoops in her dd's lunch bag because dd crys when the first is gone if there isn't another.
We will never know if the child that visited the op last night has food anxiety or was holding out for a pretty much guaranteed dominos.

Oh and my ds won't eat "kids cheese" like string things or baby ell. That's enpmvarrassi g, because ppl often have them in, in a kind attempt to cater for a visiting child, but then they get upset at having to share the mature cheddar or Parmesan with him.
I did try those things. He just prefers what I might refer to as "regular" cheese.
So fussiness or preferences aren't limited to "children's" foods ime.

But then, he's only three so who knows what demands he might start making.

People can have issues with chewing and swallowing but no problem using their hands.that is much more likely than her mum feeding her mush for no reason.

Yes, cheese strings and Baby Bells are a no go for ds. Mozzarella, cheddar, parmesan, grana padano, philadelphia - yes.

Or she had a pretty severe food issue, my friends son doesn't eat at all as he choked once. He is not spoilt, he has ASD, but an eating disorder can occur without SN.