to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

:o

The mum is nice and probably asked my dd what she wanted for dinner!

Stepping back for a minute, OP, then seriously, why can't you do the same? Is this 'principle' so important to you

And if it is, then can't you acomodate it differently? Invite the child to come after dinner next time and say to the mum "Sorry not to ask her for dinner, it's just that I have firm restrictions about what the children eat at home, and I don't think your daughter would enjoy it."

Instead of acting like you are in the right to be so inflexible, why not just extend the kindness?

Maybe the child is fine with everyone else's food OP (including school trips like the ones she must have been on with your everso well travelled and sophisticated DD if yours has gone), and it was just your food she didn't like?

It happens. I thought my mum was a good cook and used to eat everything, until I started cooking for myself and realised that actually, she really wasn't. I suppose I'd just got used to it.

It's just not as simple as IF there are additional needs (ASD, eating disorders) then the parent would know and explain in advance, OR the parent didn't fully explain and therefore there are no 'excuses'.

Kids are complex; their issues are constantly evolving; sometimes they surprise us (either way). In any case, the child's mother clearly did have concerns and expressed them. She was worried about whether the sleepover would work. If she had anticipated that it would turn out this way, I'm sure she wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

The fact that she didn't specify that, for example, her child would not eat home made pizza, or pancakes, or that she would refuse every alternative, does not necessarily indicate negligence or complacency.

Well brdgrl that comment was of course a bit tongue in cheek but obviously the mum can do what she likes. I think it's a bit ridiculous but if she wants to make extra work for herself that's up to her.

Do you think I have "firm restrictions", really?

Maybe the girl likes everything else and my food is awful. It's possible, but every other kid we've had has liked my cooking! I'm not a terrible cook! quite good actually but scared to say that here as I'll be accused of more boasting

Hmm, can I get an opinion on this as I am now genuinely curious:

We had DSS's little sister (5 years old) to stay with us for the night a while back, as a favour to DP's ex. For dinner, I made a dish which the little girl had loved last time she ate with us (albeit she was 3 at the time). This time she said she didn't like it, and didn't eat it. We offered her bread and cheese, which she didn't want either. Dessert was chocolate cake, which she ate a tiny bit of, before saying she didn't want any more.

Would the done thing have been for me to ask her what she wanted, and then cook that up for her (e.g. defrost a pizza, whip up some pasta or whatever)?

Do you think I have "firm restrictions", really?
Yes.

what would you do in that situation?
Well, I would have some sympathy for any child who was struggling.
What I wouldnt do is get the arse over an 8 to not eating my home cooked food.
I would not see a child's difficulty with eating what's put in front of them as a moral shortcoming or an opportunity to feel superior because my dcs have wide tastes.

brdgrl: The mum is nice and probably asked my dd what she wanted for dinner!

Stepping back for a minute, OP, then seriously, why can't you do the same?

Isn't that what she did when she asked if the child liked pizza?

riverboat I would have done what you did. But many on here are telling me that I have the wrong approach. I fail to see how the 3 options you provided are not enough. She probably wasn't hungry.

Just came back to look at this thread.

Oh dear.

I'm absolutely of the view that it's important for me as a parent to encourage my dd to eat a wide range of foods and to try whatever is put in front of her, and I have been delighted to see how well she copes with unfamiliar foods in unfamiliar situations. This is particularly important for us, as dd will certainly encounter various unknown foods when we visit family and friends overseas. Good manners are also something that we value very highly.

However, I don't consider it my role to educate other people's dc when they visit my home as dd's guests. Rather, as a host, it is my role to make them feel comfortable during their visit. I recognise that different families have different eating habits and so I try to ensure that I am able to adjust what we offer in accordance with their needs and preferences.

Honestly speaking, I wouldn't want my dd to go to the OP's house if I were the friend's mum. She comes across as way too smug and judgemental!

Maybe the child is fine with everyone else's food OP (including school trips like the ones she must have been on with your everso well travelled and sophisticated DD if yours has gone), and it was just your food she didn't like?

But OP offered several alternatives.

In any case, the child's mother clearly did have concerns and expressed them.

When? All we know is that previously she was anxious about letting her dc sleepover, but that on this occasion she allowed it. We aren't told that she expressed any anxieties whatsoever.

How far do you go though, really, to accommodate a guest? 3 options? 4? 5? There could be no end to it! I asked if she liked pizza. I offered snacks. I do draw the line at a freezer of junk just in case.

CorusKate you can fling some of my homemade pizza dough if you like. Clearly no-one is going to eat it.

I agree that the role of a host is to make their guest comfortable, but that is within reasonable limits. It does not mean buying in a host of different foods to offer in case the guest doesn't like what is on offer. It does mean offering some reasonable alternatives, which is what the OP did.

Riverboat, I don't think anyone most people would say you have to cook to the demands of a five year old. In your case, you offered something you had good reason to believe she'd like (she'd liked it before) - I think the OP's case is a bit different because she heard "pizza" and offered her 'healthy homemade' version, which most parents can see isn't the same, and was clearly aggrieved when it wasn't enjoyed. Then you offered bread and cheese, perfectly fine. The OP also offered alternatives (she mentions apples) and I think that is perfectly fine, which is why I began by saying she wasn't BU.

The question is - would you have her back again? Or say it was too much bother trying to satisfy her and decide she wouldn't be welcome to visit her sister again?

I do think it is significant that the OP has gone on to talk about the kinds of foods she won't have in her house, and can't see the difference between 'child-friendly' food and junk food.

My own DD is almost 4. She will sometimes refuse a meal that she previously enjoyed. I don't run the kitchen like a hotel, so if she doesn't want to eat what is on offer, she gets to pick from a limited range of options - bread, yogurt, a peanut-butter sandwich. Nothing I have to cook or spend ages preparing. But I do make sure that there are these simple fallback options for her, while letting her know that isn't an open menu!

And if her friend that will only eat chips comes around, I do make chips. It's just not that big a deal to me that I would not do it for a guest. I'd rather the kids ate and were happy than that they were hungry and cranky.

argh...the was at CorusKate. I knew that would go wrong.

I'm not sure how far you should go really. I think you went far enough tbh but clearly not.

I looked after a particularly fussy kid once he was diagnosed with sn later on , as I said upthread I ran through an entire days menu to check. Got stuff in that I was told he liked, I followed the routine his mum told me to the letter as he was small and I didn't want to upset him and I even made my partner sleep at a friends as he hadn't met him before.

He still didn't eat much or sleep very well and I don't mind but the fact I'd be considered a bad host for not offering several alternatives or having a freezer full of crap on the off chance is absurd.

It does mean offering some reasonable alternatives, which is what the OP did.
No, she didn't. That was pretty much the point of her post. She offered something at the evening meal, but not at breakfast.

I'm not so sure we'd all agree on what is 'reasonable' as an alternative, either. The OP has been pretty clear that she wouldn't offer something she personally didn't feel met her 'standards.' I'm sceptical.