to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Above post was relating to food likes/dislikes.

Actually, this thread is just reminding me how much I loathe the way people ascribe moral value to food. It's only bloody fuel. Eating a diet free of sugars, processed foods etc makes you a healthier person. But not a better one.

I've just checked. I have coffee beans, ground coffee, Carte Noir, Kenco Rapport decaf, PG tips, Typhoo decaf, Cadbury chocolate, options chocolate and some weird Civet thing that DH mate bought for a laugh. I won't list the cold drink options available, I'd be here all day. I think my friends are accommodated - no wonder they keep coming back

don't you realise you should be chucking out a quarter of your homemade soups and fruit loaf to give over a drawer to "[o]ne bag of 12 chicken nuggets, 1 box of 12 fish fingers, 1 box of 4 chicken burgers and a box of 8 waffles"?

Corus For the sake of clarity, and of course this is just an estimate, I think the foodstuff in my post takes up about the same space as a full bag of Tesco frozen broccoli florets. So I don't think Giles needs to throw out both the soups and fruit loaf, probably just one would do I'd go for the fruit loaf personally.

zzzzz, you were the one who says it sounds as if this child has ASD. And when I talk about a long discussion, if I had a child with ASD traits (which can include problems with social communication, playing with other children, sensory difficulties, anxiety, problems with certain types, colours and textures of food etc etc) even without a diagnosis then yes, I would definitely want to have a discussion with the host of any sleepover he went to.

Where do you get the stuff about careful explanations from this child's mother? In relation to this sleepover, all she seems to have mentioned is that her dd would eat pizza. The mention of scrambled eggs came during another conversation, and if you expect the parent of another child to take careful note of a point like that you really do expect a lot; besides, how would OP know that she would accept her version of scrambled eggs? Not everyone cooks it the same. It appears that the mother had previously been anxious about sleepovers but had got over that, and there is no indication, as you claim, that she expressed either her own or her child's anxiety.

brdgrl spot on, again
Also suburbanrhonda

Btw. I have never seen a thread complaining about a fussy eating ds.

Is the derision always reserved for girls?
Or are there no boys who a fussy eaters?

Or maybe I've just missed them.

Icimoi I didn't always know how DS was going to react to any given situation.

Surely that makes it all the more important to discuss it with the parents of any child he was having a sleepover with? You wouldn't just say nothing, would you?

I find that a strange attitude zzzzz. I can think of many situations just off the top of my head which would not have been possible had my dcs been used to being given only certain types of food. School residential trips for example - they have slept on boats going through tropical rivers and had to eat whatever the cook served up. I would have thought it's so important to encourage as much flexibility as you can in many areas, not just food, so that they are not denied these kinds of opportunities.

All you have to do is to is stick to the normal rules of good hospitality: ask in advance; offer an alternative (even if it's only a snack, doesn't need to be a full blown meal)

OP did all that, ffs!

Ok op. you win.
As you are clearly a superior parent who is well travelled and has utterly marvellous dcs with great plates.
Well done.

It's clear to me that although the OP asked if she was being unreasonable and most of us have been saying "Yes, you are!" till we're blue in the face ...

"Most of us" is an exaggeration. And, as has often been observed before, there is a known tendency to mass suggestion on forums like this; it doesn't make the majority automatically right.

she didn't want to come for a sleepover before (we probably asked a couple of times) but the girls were only about 6-7 which is young really so I didn't think it was strange. My dd is youngest of 3 and has done sleepovers since 5-6 but I realise many kids will not at that age.
Is it possible? Another subtle suggestion of superiority? You're good, OP!

She was actually asking us if she could come since about the start of this school year but her mum would always turn it around and have my dd to them
Um. OP, is it possible that her mum has as many doubts about your parenting and household as you do about her's, and would rather keep her child from having to deal with it? But sees that the kids' friendship is important so has put her concerns aside to allow this sleepover?

But seriously therealamandaclarke what do you actually do in that situation - a class of about 15 going on a trip and your dc couldn't go because they would not be able to have the meals they were used to for several days? And everyone else was going?

Yes, Icimoi - except that she didn't offer an alternative for breakfast. I don't have a problem with what she did on the evening - I wouldn't expect any host to be able to meet the precise requirements of every fussy guest. But I do have a problem with how she is now talking about her guest and the child's mother. What we have here is minorly bad sleepover experience in that a child went hungry - up to the child to say how much that spoiled the whole event - but the adult is acting as though she has endured a major insult. Worse, she is badmouthing the kid and making assertions about her parenting.

I just don't see why she needs to do that.

My cakes going fucking no where thanks!!!! But I'm happy to make you one!! :o

they have slept on boats going through tropical rivers and had to eat whatever the cook served up.

Is it Bingo yet???

I had no concerns about my dd going to her friend, apart from feeling like it was polite to have the girl back here sometime instead, which we did. The mum is nice and probably asked my dd what she wanted for dinner!

and yes, what Devora said.

Sauvignon, nevertheless if your ds were invited on a sleepover, even before he was diagnosed, surely you would have explained any relevant difficulties to the host?

This is from yesterda, don't worry suburban . It's becoming a bun fight now eh

zzzzz, so would I be right in thinking that if your children went for a sleepover you would tell the host about their diet difficulties?

Indeed aeroflotgirl and my dd has been cranky since she got up this morning so early to bed tonight and I am thinking sleepover in general might be a bad idea from now on