to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

It is not perfectly clear at all.

I would not have been able to explain DS' apparent strange behaviour, rudeness and intransigence as ASD when he was 8 and he wasn't diagnosed until 3 years after that.

He had a friend with very odd behaviours and was a very fussy eater, I assumed that he couldn't help it. He was diagnosed a year after DS.

There is nothing on this thread, except for the OP's judgemental opinion to conclusively prove that this girl does not have any unknown or undiagnosed issues so I would give the benefit of the doubt.

I have honestly never met anyone who is so particular about type of pizza - I don't mean toppings, I mean homemade vs. frozen vs. chilled etc. They are different but still come under the umbrella of pizza. You can prefer one over the other but most people would still eat all of them, if they say they like pizza. Very weird and restrictive if not!

That's what I meant by "if of made something I thought they'd like"

Ie is been told she like spag Bol and that's what I'd made thinking she's eat it.

I wouldn't know they only likes dolmio and no onions if I hadn't sodding been told home made wasn't appropriate

You have clearly lived a very sheltered life OP.

The child does not have ASD. Of course I would accommodate a child with special needs or allergies. Can't quite believe I've had to spell that out but people were suggesting otherwise.

IMHO, i's really immaterial if the child has SN or not. There's any number of reasons why a child might act less than perfectly, and there is no need to identify the cause of the behaviour - it is what it is, frankly. A minor infraction of manners.

It is the OP who has a choice of how to respond to less than perfect behaviour.

Thanks Ici. Sauvignon, I'm basing my opinions on an assumption that there is no ASD or other similar reason for the child's behaviour. This is partly because the OP doesn't mention knowing of any ASD or similar and partly because, if we all started our posts with a list of disclaimers, we'd type millions of words and be here all day.

brd, maybe it's a little intolerant of me to suggest not having her back, you're right. I'm just pissed off for the OP that the mum was 'cross' and not a bit nicer about it. I guess I mean I'm not sure the mum is someone the OP should keep trying with; but that doesn't really seem fair on the children, if they want to be friends.

Umm....how do you know what kind of life I've lived/am living Sauvignon?

I would not have been able to explain DS' apparent strange behaviour, rudeness and intransigence as ASD when he was 8 and he wasn't diagnosed until 3 years after that.

But surely you would have made the effort to explain to someone he was having a sleepover with that he might show that sort of behaviour, if only so as to pre-empt a few problems for his sake? Or, if he had difficulties with food, you would have explained that also and discussed how to accommodate them?

I have honestly never met anyone who is so particular about type of pizza - I don't mean toppings, I mean homemade vs. frozen vs. chilled etc. They are different but still come under the umbrella of pizza. You can prefer one over the other but most people would still eat all of them, if they say they like pizza.

You're deluded. Sorry.

How do you know there are no psychological element to this perceived 'fussiness' did you get a CAMHS report telling you this child is spoilt?

The mum did not explain any of that in the context of the sleepover, no. She said she would like to come and that she would eat pizza. That was it. The other comments I remember from previous discussions we've had.

Icimoi I didn't always know how DS was going to react to any given situation.

OP, by the way you express such surprise that children would not be able to tolerate different brands of breakfast cereal and the fact that you've 'never met' anyone who is so particular, when the issues you're describing seem very low level in the spectrum of food intolerance.

You either have never met people with additional needs or have never noticed them.

I've already said upthread that I could have been this child at 8 (in terms of food refusal; otherwise, my manners were excellent ). And yes, was judged soundly for it.

Within 4 years, full blown anorexia.

Lots of posters have said how what may appear as 'pandering' to others, is often an anxious parent trying to manage a child's difficulties (and probably managing them differently outside the home in front of others, in order to reduce everyone's embarassment).

OP, you simply cannot know that this child has no problems other than being spoilt. You also can't know that her mother caused her food fussiness by spoiling her. But in a sense, that doesn't matter. All you have to do is to is stick to the normal rules of good hospitality: ask in advance; offer an alternative (even if it's only a snack, doesn't need to be a full blown meal); if they won't eat anything, reach a judgement on whether the child is ok to go hungry or whether to ring her mum for advice; don't go to unreasonable lengths but equally don't be mean to and about a guest who you did tell us is 'sweet' (though you seemed to change your mind on that later).

No the girl wasn't/isn't anxious but she didn't want to come for a sleepover before (we probably asked a couple of times) but the girls were only about 6-7 which is young really so I didn't think it was strange. My dd is youngest of 3 and has done sleepovers since 5-6 but I realise many kids will not at that age. She was actually asking us if she could come since about the start of this school year but her mum would always turn it around and have my dd to them. You can see she is very anxious around her dd, very jumpy and doesn't want to let her out of her sight.

And don't blame the mum for not explaining this all to you. She may not have had any clue it would go so wrong. The child may have struggled a lot more with you than she would at home.

I can taste the difference, yes, but can cope with it. I think that's fairly normal?!

coffee made from cat shit

It's clear to me that although the OP asked if she was being unreasonable and most of us have been saying "Yes, you are!" till we're blue in the face, she doesn't believe she is. She will probably continue to feel superior to other families because her DCs don't eat frozen food and will continue to judge other people for doing the same.

It's whatever is the opposite of win-win, and for me, I'm out

By the way that coffee made from cat shit is nothing special and not worth the extortionate price.

But surely you would have made the effort to explain to someone he was having a sleepover with that he might show that sort of behaviour, if only so as to pre-empt a few problems for his sake? Or, if he had difficulties with food, you would have explained that also and discussed how to accommodate them?

Thought about this more and it wasn't an issue as DS was never invited on a sleepover. Socially awkward kids who are fussy eaters don't tent to get many invitations.

The child in this thread isn't going to get another one is she?

Well that's fine though isn't it? There are a few things I don't like too. Completely normal.