to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

Kids prefer one brand of cereal over another? Really?! It would never occur to me - I just buy from wherever and they eat!

Ah, I'd missed that. Well we don't buy Nestle cereal in this house, so yes children certainly do prefer one brand over another (Although DD would probably just avoid the issue and ask for toast, instead of lecturing people on Baby Milk Action). I buy Kellogs variety packs if we are having a sleepover so that the girls have a choice. I keep the Honey Nut Cornflakes just for me

No, icimoi, the OP was told the child liked pizza, not home-made pizza. They are very different, especially to a child, a point that has been made by numerous PPs.

But how is OP supposed to divine that from being told that the kid will eat pizza? My dd wouldn't eat pork. If a friend's mother asked me if she liked sausages I wouldn't have said yes (because she did like beef sausages), I would have said "Sorry, only beef sausages" and I would probably have offered to send some with her.

OP, I feel this thread could have gone very differently for you. At the beginning I was definitely with you on the annoyance factor. And coming on here for a rant must have seemed like a good idea.

But you cooked your goose (see what I did there?) with the business of the breakfast and your still feeling resentful several hours later, plus - what really made me cringe - your saying your DCs joined in with badgering the guest about why she didn't eat anything and you seemingly doing nothing to pull them up on their rude behaviour.

Then with subsequent posts you made it clear that you believe your food to be superior, even your parenting to be superior, and rubbished any food you feel it would beneath you to have in your house.

It's a shame.

Disagree with your semantics, icimoi.

OP is coming across even worse than before, if that is even possible.
See, I really did start off as sympathetic to the OP. But with every post she writes, I see how wrong I was. It's not even stealth boasting, exactly - who'd want to be like this?

One doesn't have to pander with endless alternatives for a picky child. A bit of research and a bit of flexibility is not out of order, however. And a bit of allowance for age, for god's sake.

(and yes, every reasonable person knows that not all pizzas are created equal, or that offering bran flakes to a child used to coco-pops is not "trying to accomodate", it's obnoxious and passive-aggressive behaviour!)

One doesn't have to 'fill one's freezer' with junk. The amazing thing about a freezer is that it purpose-built to allow food to last a very long time. One single bag of chicken nuggets/fish fingers/a single frozen pizza isn't going to inconvenience or bankrupt OP, clearly, and if simply having such junk in her home is enough to topple her own standards, I suggest they are a bit contrived in the first place.

At the very least, OP, accept that it is you who has the issues which prohibit you from entertaining properly, and let people know this.

And me Suburban.

But why would you do this if you've already been told the child likes pizza and you've got pizza lined up?

Well that wouldn't happen to me, because I know that there is a huge difference between home made and shop bought - even down to the base. I don't like it when DH makes pizza bases as he makes them too doughy and cloying, whereas mine are crisper and have herbs and oils in them.

TBH with something like pizza I would take the girls to Tescos with me and let them choose what they wanted. Not all pizza is created equal . For instance I think Iceland Pizza is rank, but am quite partial to Chicago Town. DD loves Dominoes and easy pizzas made with pitta breads.

icimoi - because you are supposed to be a mind reader and totally au fait with all manner of possible eating disorders this child may or may not have. In addition to having a freezer full of food your own family doesn't eat. In a variety of brands, of course. To cover all eventualities. Anything else is totally unacceptable and constitutes cruel and unusual treatment.

yeah, right.
In the same world where if you go round to a friend's house for coffee, she always makes sure she has your preferred brand in. Along with the preferred brands of the other 4 people she's invited. Only not if it's Nescafe, of course.

Doesn't sound like you tried very hard if you didn't ask what she would eat and didn't offer anything else. How rude. Being a guest is reciprocal and, as well as the host offering food they think the guest will like (which the OP did: pizza), the guest should be polite and grateful even if the food offered isn't their favourite. An 8-year-old is not too young to have started learning this, IMO.

I have to have the food she wants ready as soon as she gets home from school or she goes mad sounds to me as though this child has her mum wrapped round her little finger. I think it's the parents' fault for pandering to her.

I also think it's U of the mum to give the OP a cross look. I wouldn't invite her back.

Don't be facetious Katie, how you can you compare adults gathering for a cup of coffee with an eight year old staying away from home for the night?

Then with subsequent posts you made it clear that you believe your food to be superior, even your parenting to be superior, and rubbished any food you feel it would beneath you to have in your house

This!

On threads like this about food I really find it puzzling why some people assume everyone likes the same things as them as there is something wrong with them if they don't. Its called having individual tastes. As an adult who genuinely doesn't like certain things I despise being labelled fussy just because there are things I don't like to eat.

sounds to me as though this child has her mum wrapped round her little finger. I think it's the parents' fault for pandering to her

Oh FFS!

DS used to need food ready at a particular time, it's all part of his ASD but he's only got that because I 'pandered' to him - right?

In the same world where if you go round to a friend's house for coffee, she always makes sure she has your preferred brand in. Along with the preferred brands of the other 4 people she's invited. Only not if it's Nescafe, of course.

Erm, when I go round to a friend's house, I usually get offered a choice of coffee or at least one sort of tea, or water. If my friend only drank that coffee made from cat shit, I bet she'd have a more mainstream alternative available to offer her guests. And if I were taking my DD, I bet she'd even have made a point of having something like a juice box for her. My friends are nice people, you see.

And if I didn't drink the coffee, but mentioned on my way out the door that I was going to Costa, I think she'd still ask me back! :)

My freezer is full of frozen spag Bol/curry/leftovers and meat plus peas. And muffins/banana load for lunch boxes. Home made soups and stock.

I have no cheese, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, chips, pizzas,
Unless a child ate plain rice. Tuna pasta or beans on toast I'd be screwed and a bad host even though I'd made a meal I thought they would like.

Even more fucked if they didn't eat fruit or jam and coconut sponge as I only have soya yogurts as an alternative.

the guest should be polite and grateful even if the food offered isn't their favourite. An 8-year-old is not too young to have started learning this, IMO.
I could not agree more. However - I think 'starting to learn' and 'never making a mistake' are different.
Because an 8 year old messed up on her manners, she's not welcome back to sleepovers with her best friend. I think that's ridiculous. Would everyone in her life hold the OP herself to such a standard?
Isn't part of good manners overlooking the minor transgressions of others, especially when the other person is at a disadvantage (as through age or inexperience)?

Sauvignon, it is perfectly clear that OnlyLovers wasn't suggesting that difficulties related to ASD are down to a parent pandering to a child. There is no suggestion that the child the OP is referring to has ASD or anything similar. I suspect that if your child went on a sleepover you would let the hosts know about his needs?

Unless a child ate plain rice. Tuna pasta or beans on toast I'd be screwed and a bad host even though I'd made a meal I thought they would like.

Fair enough if a child dropped by with no notice. If you were having a child to dinner, as a guest, would you really not be more bothered to prepare?

Isn't part of good manners overlooking the minor transgressions of others, especially when the other person is at a disadvantage (as through age or inexperience)?

Exactly!

Erm, when I go round to a friend's house, I usually get offered a choice of coffee or at least one sort of tea, or water.

You seriously get offered a choice of coffee??? Definitely wouldn't happen in my house! If I'd made filter coffee and friend said they hated it I suppose I might just offer instant, but actually I'd probably assume they just didn't like coffee. And the offer of tea or water is, essentially, no different from the OP's offer of several alternatives to pizza.

Way to go on long distance diagnosis, zzzzz. However, as I've said, if this child did have ASD with everything that that entails (even without a formal diagnosis), I would have expected her mother to have had quite a long discussion with OP.

Tey get fresh coffee at mine or tea. I dont even have milk so it's a choice of what alternative they like.

Or theirs water orange juice or squash if that's not enough then tough crap