to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

I though I'd posted on this but it seems not... so you are all going to get the benefit of my wisdom now...

I do think that it is up to a parent to tell another adult in charge of their child if their child a) has any major food groups they do not eat (or is so fussy the list of things they DO eat is shorter than the list they do not and b) is anxious around food/food choices/selecting food.

We took 20+ Brownies on a sleepover for 24h. The first meal planned was lunch and the girls were offered sandwiches with a wide choice of fillings, fruit, and either yoghurt or crisps (memory fails me). One girl refused bread, fillings, and fruit and had about 1 bite of the other item. We learned from her school mates (she wasn't one of my own Pack) that she never eats bread and takes pasta for lunch at school (she herself was silent and refusing even to say "I don't like this", just shaking her head.)

Now I feel that not eating bread, ever, is a fairly major fussy behaviour. I'm not judging the parents for promoting/failing to stop this, but for failing to give us ANY information about this at all. No health or food allergy/intolerance information, no special needs information, and no additional food.

We had another girl with us who I knew well and who only eats bread or pasta and not much else. We knew this as parents had given us ample notice and information and offered to send extra food. But given this, and the fact that we had no girls with a known gluten intolerance, we decided to have sandwiches for lunch.

We had non-bread items for the tea but they all required cooking and we needed to leave pronto after lunch for a strenuous (for their age - it involved a hill, and it was a winter afternoon with early sunset) walk.

We left this girl behind with the cooks at the venue because she had eaten nothing, basically, after breakfast. Next day, her parents complained that they hadn't got what they paid for. Fine, we said, here's the cost of the walk back. £0. Next time tell us that your child does not eat a major staple food.

If you are catering for more than one child (especially when we are catering for more than 10!) you do have to assume that most commonly eaten foods are eaten by the children in your care, unless you are told otherwise. If a child's parent specifically tells you their child eats pizza, you're pretty reasonable in assuming that they do actually eat pizza!

And if as I say the list of foods they DO eat is shorter than the list they don't, then for goodness sake tell the adults in charge what your child will eat for breakfast - don't assume they have bread/cornflakes/Coco Pops in the house. Families don't all eat the same cereal/breakfast foods, and might easily run out of bread for toast.

I wasn't "caught out" at all. Guest is coming in a few days' time, I ask "Is pizza ok for dinner?". "Yes, she likes pizza". Great. I make pizzas and she enjoys kneading, rolling and adding toppings, then declines to eat any. I leave things for a while then later offer again, then later still some snacks etc before bed.

icimoi

It may be upsetting for the OP's DD not to have her best friend for a sleepover ever again, but as the OP has said she is not going to tell her, that's a nice little surprise for the DD for the future.

Or perhaps the OP is hoping that if she moans enough about her DD's best friend for long enough, she might be able to end the friendship altogether - problem solved.

The cereal - bran flakes are bran flakes aren't they? Unless you mean bran flakes vs coco pop or whatever? My dcs might choose coco pops over bran flakes but I would hardly ever give them that option as I don't want them eating sugary chocolatey crap before school.

I don't think I'd forgive anyone for inviting me over for dinner and serving pasta and pesto, home-made or otherwise

Well it was another classic situation you know there are a whole load of young picky eaters coming over along with their parents, so you are a) trying to make something that the adults will enjoy while b) also catering for the younger ones who like relatively bland food. So you do home-made pasta and home-made pesto.

You never thought she might have been ill and deeply embarrassed?

The child who vomited did not have a stomach bug, and was fine the next day. I found out subsequently that she had a regular pattern of over-eating when she had access food she particularly liked in the evening (if her parents were around they'd basically take the food away to stop this happening) and then puking in the night. I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to apologise, but a quick 'sorry' from a 12 year old the next morning would have shown minimal politeness.

I would probably have forgotten, but a lot of time when I go in that bedroom my eye is caught by the puke stains. Not sure even professional cleaning would get it out. So will probably spend £100 quid or so to get a new carpet fitted eventually.

i know adults that prefer one brand over another.. i cannot STAND own brand cornflakes compared to kellogs.

This is true of DH as well but I and DS will eat more or less any brand. DS is only 2 and can't read the packet yet though.

I can't stand pancakes. It's not hard to understand that not everyone likes everything and it's daft to assume she'd like it.

Are you seriously suggesting I should stock my freezer with sausages, fish fingers etc in case some child doesn't want to eat my homemade food? We NEVER buy those foods and I don't see why I should spend the extra money buying unhealthy rubbish.

Possible solution: if DD wants to invite child over for another sleepover, she eats her tea at home and mum brings her round afterwards. And make sure her mum picks her up early-ish next morning in case she refuses what is on offer for breakfast.

If she's fussy about eating outside her own home (which is what it sounds like, whether that's because of phobia or because her mum gives her whatever she wants to eat, regardless) then there really sin't any point in you wasting time and money preparing food for her as she probably won't eat it anyway.

Sometimes you just have to make compromises to get the desired result - and not just OP, but also the other mother and her child.

I didn't realise fish fingers were unhealthy.

That's a good suggestion, katy.

I think it might be wasted on the OP, though. Despite being told by countless posters that, yes, she is BU, she still maintains that inviting a child over and expecting them to love her home-made food, then only offering one choice in the morning because she is still feeling miffed from the night before, is the height of reasonable behaviour.

OPS - stuff you put in the freezer isn't always unhealthy. I have to say I'm getting a picture in my head now of mealtimes chez ankar and it's not looking very appealing!

My goodness what a carfuffel over nothing. Many kids don't eat, at that age I hated pizza and MacDs, I'm like a dustbin now, I eat everything and anything! My dd7 loves making food and not eating it, so I do! Ankar leave sleepovers with this girl for a bit, then try later, cook your usual foods, if she doesent eat it, offer her fruit, toast, crumpets, instead. Then in the morning offer toast, cereal, yoghurt, fruit. If she doesent eat, don't sweat the small stuff, she won't waste away. She is your dd vest friend, so like others have said, different to her other friendships. Just be a bit more relaxed about food when she's there so she feels less anxious. I used to get a nervous tummy when staying at other peoples houses as a kid, this might be tge case here.

SuburbanRhonda: It may be upsetting for the OP's DD not to have her best friend for a sleepover ever again, but as the OP has said she is not going to tell her, that's a nice little surprise for the DD for the future.

Or, just maybe, OP explains to her child that it's not a good idea as best friend doesn't eat anything, but of course there is no reason why best friend cannot come over to play for shorter periods at any time? Is that really going to be so traumatic?

Exactly ice, op not saying she's never to darken her doorstep again, fgs, just not a sleepover, at the moment, is that so traumatic!

Is this some sort of MN bingo as the OP sounds more sanctimonious and judgemental with every post?

Indeed I don't think anyone is going to be traumatised.

Didn't say "traumatic", icimoi, but unless you have teenage or preteen DCs, you won't understand that sleepovers are very special compared to coming over during the day to play.

And saying it's because DD's best friend "doesn't eat anything" is a lie and teaches the DD that it's ok to judge other people. It also makes the whole thing all about the food, and not about the girls having fun together and building friendships.

But this is academic. The OP doesn't plan to tell her DD what her decision is.

I think it might be wasted on the OP, though. Despite being told by countless posters that, yes, she is BU, she still maintains that inviting a child over and expecting them to love her home-made food, then only offering one choice in the morning because she is still feeling miffed from the night before, is the height of reasonable behaviour.

Just a bit selective with the facts, maybe? OP has also been told by several posters that she is not BU; it wasn't OP's home-made food, it was food which the child's mother had said she would eat and which she helped to make; and OP offered several alternatives to the evening meal which were refused and, by the morning, reasonably felt that maybe it wasn't worth bothering to offer a load more choices to be refused.

I do feel as if I've stepped into some parallel universe with this thread as most people I know do exactly as I do but according to opinions on here we are all mean!

FFS. Why can someone so powerfully miss the point?
Ask before she visits?
Don't assume that pizza lovers will love your pizza
Don't take offence over food fusal
Offer more than pancakes for breakfast.

It's just been, no, no, no to all of these.

Because your naice olive eating well dined put dcs are the product of marvellous parenting and this girland her ways are not to your liking
It's quite pathetic.