to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

I think if you are responsible for/parent of a child who is a bedwetter you would mention it when they go for a sleepover, as a matter of courtesy.

Then the host can decide not to give that child a large glass of cola that evening, to put a waterproof sheet on the mattress etc.

Similarly if a child is unusually conservative about food, it seems courteous to mention this before the stay i.e. 'I'm afraid they can be fussy, but will always eat toast/pasta/fish fingers etc.'

DS's friend is on the autistic spectrum. Eats very little the first time you give it to him. No problem - I offer him something else and if he doesn't eat thats no problem either. Luckily I don't take umbrage over it.

But there was nothing to stop the mum saying "she only eats dry toast or chererios for breakfast"

Again wouldn't the mum check? Incase they only had seeded bread or no peanut butter?

Not everyone has Cheerios in.

I'd assume responsibility I for making sure the host had stuff she'd eat or send her with stuff and explain.

I wouldn't expect a host to cope with it all with no prior warning that it's likely to be a problem.

People have always explained to me their kid only eats white bread or doesn't like bits in their orange juice etc.

Why not just say.

I don't think you were unreasonable. If the child has an eating disorder as many seem to think must have been the case, it was her mum's responsibility to properly explain that to you in advance IMO.

You could have offered her toast or cereal in the morning, given that she hadn't eaten the night before though. I get that you didn't want to go giving ideas to your children that they could then start doing the same, however. Then again if her mum was picking her up at 10 it doesn't matter so much.

There are obviously very different views on whether or not it is rude not to even try foods offered when visiting another house.
the visiting child sounds challenging, to say the least. Maybe OP was just at the end of her tether by breakfast and couldn't face yet another refusal by the child, who it seems was only going to be placated by shop-bought pizza.
Also, not everyone can afford or has in stock all the variants to be able to offer a visiting child a whole range of food options to cater to their very specific tastes, so perhaps the other mother would have been better to anticipate her child's needs and brief OP accordingly, maybe even offering to send the requisite items. This way she'd make sure her child was as comfortable as possible.
It could also be that visiting child just doesn't like eating outside her own home, which is a different set of issues and nothing the OP could do about it.
BTW - what is it about toast? Nobody in this house eats toast and we don't even have a toaster! And on a Saturday morning we don't have any bread either, because we do the shopping later that day. OP might not have offered any other options because there weren't any and she did not anticipate having such an awkward guest.

why would it be any different in the morning?

How would we know? It wasn't offered and OP lost the moral high ground... against an 8 year old. It isn't about winning some kind of moral battle - just being a good host and showing your children that you can be flexible. (Though obviously not if you can't it seems).

The child was in the care of OP - she made reasonable attempts to try in the evening, (though I agree with others that homemade pizza with a child you haven;t had before is risky) and child didn't kick up a fuss. BUt in the morning OP was still stewing about it to the extent that she let her go hungry just to make her point about how much she disapproved of her fussiness.

I'm not totally convinced that was less rude than an 8 year old asking for pizza because they were starving within earshot of OP.

I don;t think anyone came out of this covered in glory tbh.

Well if you want to cook three or four different meals in the hope that one of them is acceptable for her only to find outbtahtbdespire agreeing at the start it's a different story when presented, and throw away everything wasted and wash up three or four lots of pots and pans ten knoc yourself out if you of course have the time and money to do so.

Otherwise offering things like fruit crackers yogurt eye is acceptable IMO.

Find out , despite

Etc not eye grrrr

I'm actually quite surprised that the first time you have had your dd's best friend to dinner is as a sleepover. My dd would not be keen on going for a sleepover somewhere that was that unfamiliar tbh.
When my childrens friends come to tea I ask them what they would like, in fact for her 2 best friends dd1 normally plans the menu with their tastes in mind. If they didn't eat anything I'd ask them what they would like as an alternative.
This is normal, not hgrtting offended as a guest doesn't like your lovingly crafted food.

(My children get served dinner and eat it or not as they choose, they know that normally alternatives are not available but recognize that when we have a guest the rules are different)

I agree with others who have said that you sound controlling, a bad host and judgy where you don't really know the facts.

If I was the child's mum I wouldn't be letting her go to a sleepover at your house again so I don't think you need to worry about that. (That doesn't mean that your dd wouldn't be welcome at my house though, I'd try to accommodate my child's friendship)

Katiekaye I'm glad it's not only me that doesn't always have bread in the house :)

I notice too, that ppl often are convicned that it's indulgent parenting (god fobid ) that "causes" fussy eating in children.
I don't buy that tbh. I think we should be more understanding of ppl's preferences.

Isn't it also a part of a child's socialisation to learn that different people do things differently. So she - or he - won't automatically be presented with all the safe, familiar foods they have at home. They may end up having to choose new things, or else opt to have very little to eat.

If they can't cope with these possibilities then they are a bit young for sleepovers - and perhaps a more savvy parent wouldn't send them for one. Or at the very least warn the host, that they were going to have a rather fearful inflexible child to look after.

(Perhaps the parent of the guest child just thought, 'Great I can have a late night for once and get really drunk. Oh and I won't warn the host family because then the invite might get withdrawn.')

And we should be more understanding if people's time and resources and the fact that people think differently and have different rules in their houses and different eating habits. If your friend is vegi and your child only eats chicken nuggets then sending your child to said house hold expecting the host to run through every option knowing full well the lack of meat in the house renders any suggestions waste of time, and not saying anything to the parents is bloody mean and stupid. Puts everyone in an awkward position. Yet so easily bloody solved by being open and honest in the first place.

I'm always happy for suggestions of what kids will eat. Always. I would however be annoyed to discover id wasted my time and money and filled my fridge with stuff that no ones gonna eat bought entirely for purpose of feeding someone else's child. With no one decent enough to tell me that a cheese toastie and carrot sticks would have saved me the hassle.

Giles are you being deliberately silly? Why would she need to cook 4 different things?! All she had to do was BEFORE COOKING ask the child what she would like.

'There is toast, cereal, porridge fruit or pancakes for breakfast. What would you like?' doesn't involve any cooking or washing up. Just basic manners.

Giles are you being deliberately silly? Why would she need to cook 4 different things?! All she had to do was BEFORE COOKING ask the child what she would like.

'There is toast, cereal, porridge fruit or pancakes for breakfast. What would you like?' doesn't involve any cooking or washing up. Just basic manners.

And no I don't begrudge buying another child food. And if they were still upset and wouldn't eat even though what I'd bought was what I was told they'd eat then it wouldn't be a problem.

But if no one had said anything and I bought all the supposed "kid friendly" crap that I don't usually feed my kids and ergo would be a waste of time and money getting, then I'd be annoyed!!

marianne really? You really think the mum decided to stitch up her DD & OP so she could have a piss-up?

Because she may well have agreed to something then change her mind after.

Personally, with a child coming to tea I would ask mum what they liked. And I wouldnt assume that liking pizza would mean theyd like homemade pizza. I would ask what brand.
My dh is fussy. Hell eat homemade or pizza express. I will literally eat any pizza offered. Ds I don't know yet.
Even if you'd offered her favourite brand she might not have eaten it. Because sometimes feeling anxious (and op was aware of that possibility) makes ppl not eat.
I still can't understand why the its considered acceptable that the response to an anxious, food refusing child is to get the hump and restrict their breakfast choice.
"morning pickle, hope you slept well, what would you like for breakfast?"
See? Easy peasy.

In fact pasta is the perfect example. You serve shells and kids like tubes. You cook linguine and kid only eats spaghetti.or it's fresh pasta not dried or it's while meal or tricolour

It's not just pasta is it

Giles I totally agree that if the mum knew her DD wouldn't eat she should have told the OP. That doesn't justify the OP being mean to an 8 year old though does it? The OP was annoyed with the child, an 8 year old who WAS NOT asked what she would like at any point.