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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 18/05/2014 09:16

Before my DS was diagnosed with AS there were plenty of people who knew us well enough to be fairly sure it was not SNs, many were genuinely surprised when DS was finally diagnosed. One of his issues is fussy eating. So, that could easily have been him. Nice to know that some parents would have barred him from sleepovers rather than offer him a bit of toast in the morning, MN can be a real eye opener.

SuburbanRhonda · 18/05/2014 09:18

Again, I'm wondering how the OP is going to break the news to her DD that her best friend is no longer allowed for sleepovers.

OP, you say you're not going to tell your DD why. So what will you do when she asks - are you going to lie?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:19

I just don't understand why the heat is on the op when the mum should have told her. And don't tell me the mum didn't know full well what would happen.

The first thing the kid did was ask for pizza and the mum made angry eyes at the op

I'd be annoyed with my dd for being rude not the host who gave her exactly what she'd been told she ate.

And tbh I'd not expect my dd to be offered multiple choices fir breakfast lunch or dinner. Id be grateful someone invited her over to play, not blaming her because my dd wouldn't eat.

What makes you think she would have eaten the toast? That the margarine/butter would hae been wrong or a&e didn't have Nutella.

You are all assuming she'd have eaten.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:20

Or she

Bloody autocorrect

Kewcumber · 18/05/2014 09:23

My (adult) niece is on the spectrum, Whoknows. She is an incredibly fussy eater (still) and is a delight to go on holiday with - she eats a very limited choice of things - buys her own food and cooks it the way she likes, and if we go out to a restaurant she looks for the one thing she likes (usually spaghetti carbonara) and orders that. If it isn't on the menu then she eats whatever she can and never kicks up a fuss about it.

She actually less trouble on her own than eating with her and other people who kick up a fuss about how picky she is and go on and on about it. She's far more restful than them! I don;t stress about it because I don't have to worry about her nutritional intake and I'm not trying to make some point about children (or young adults) have to behave, I just have to enjoy her company.

No-one would know she is on the spectrum - I swear people think you have to behave like Rainman to be autistic!

CrystalSkulls · 18/05/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:26

Yeah and there are hundreds of different pizzas on sale. If the type of pizza mattered that much then the mum should have said.

Ffs the op offered a home made pizza. Something suggested on hundreds of threads here for fussy eaters as it helps to be involved.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:26

And she wasn't forced to eat anything.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 18/05/2014 09:27

It's not so much the fact that she didn't offer a choice a breakfast (although I've never stayed anywhere where breakfast wasn't a choice from a list of options). It's the reasons the OP's given for not offering it, particularly given she must have known the child would have been hungry because she'd only had an apple the night before.

If the child has food anxiety issues I wonder how much of the smug and judgemental attitude that the OP has shown here were picked up by the child and contributed to her not eating. I can't think of anything more likely to set off my anxiety around eating. To the point I may not have eaten either.

Raskova · 18/05/2014 09:27

Giles, have you read all the op's posts? Most people are agreeing that at first she sounded perfectly reasonable. It's her posts after that are in question

Kewcumber · 18/05/2014 09:27

the mum made angry eyes at the op

thats the OP's interpretation - I'm not sure I trust the judgement of a grown adult who is still sulking in the morning about what an 8 yr old ate the night before.

Whether the child would have eaten toast or cereal we'll never know will we because it wasn't offered! All she had to do was offer and not behave like she was still in a snit herself and just offer a child a bit of bread.

Yes child mother should have told OP that her child didn't eat pancakes Hmm I've never yet got that specific with a playdate host.

Child was not rude for eating what she didn't like - she didn't make a fuss she just got on with it and ate the one thing that she was offered that she did like - an apple.

Dancergirl · 18/05/2014 09:29

crystsal send him over here!

ankar you came on here asking if you should have done anything differently. So you can at least take on board what's being suggested.

Not inviting a child back because they don't eat to your standards is mean, petty and controlling. What on earth would you do if your child made friends with a child with a disability or special needs or something else that made life a bit awkward for you?

Oh and good luck when your dc go to secondary school, they'll make all sorts of friends there, some of you won't deem as suitable.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:29

She was rude though for asking for pizza the second she got picked up in front of the op

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 18/05/2014 09:30

Giles when homemade pizza is suggested here for fussy eaters because it helps get them involved, the expectation is rarely that they will actually eat the pizza the first time you make it. They may well not even try it.

Gennz · 18/05/2014 09:31

I remember once at my best friend's place they were having french toast for breakfast - so basically white bread fried in egg with golden syrup on top. I had never had it before. They convinced me to have one (small) piece - unusually for me I did. I liked it but then refused to eat any more, even though I was still hungry and I liked the taste of it. I think I just got a bit freaked by the fact I'd tried something new and all the attention ("are you sure you don't want more? You must be so hungry!") I was otherwise quite a confident child, I just hated being hassled about food.

It's weird to say picky eating is attention-seeking - it is totally the opposite!

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:38

But the mum said she ate pizza.

I'm not a fan of shop bought pizza I'd have made my own too. I would not expect that it would matter given the mum said nothing about it having to be a plain cheese and tomato from tesco only, with the tomato picked off and no burnt edges. Or whatever.

I've looked after fussy kids before, I've run through entire days menus and filled my fridge with stuff that I was told they ate only for them to still not eat. Which was fine and I'd have them back of course , no question.

But what I'm saying is it may well not have made a difference anyway. If the kid had SN and was particular about food/other people's houses then the mum should have said.

If she's nt but anxious then the mum could have again explained she may not eat as she gets anxious.

And there is the chance she was just being awkward. It's a possibility just like the others

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/05/2014 09:40

As is apparent it's not everyone's usuall done thing to offer lots of choices. The mum shouldnt bank on someone figuring out how to feed their fussy child with no real pointers. Sets everyone up to fail miserably.

Wouldn't have killed her to say something

Lemiserableoldgimmer · 18/05/2014 09:43

If the child had refused to sleep in the bed offered because the thread count of the sheets wasn't to her satisfaction we'd think she was hideously indulged. But turning her nose up at a perfectly ordinary and common food like pancakes is reasonable and should be accommodated? FFS the OP wasn't offering her whelks in vinegar or black pudding fritters. She was offering pancakes!

flippetygibbet · 18/05/2014 09:44

my ds doesn't like pancakes....he will eat most things and has a wide ranging appetite - but has never liked them he would not see them as a treat ...

I think its sad your anger at her fussiness the night before stopping you offering anything else to a child who had no dinner the night before Sad

Dancergirl · 18/05/2014 09:44

giles yes I agree that was rude. But you know what, she's 8 years old, sometimes dc don't have perfect manners because they are young and still learning.

Just because she was rude doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be offered something simple for breakfast.

CrystalSkulls · 18/05/2014 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gennz · 18/05/2014 09:46

Unless the kid was behaving like Veruca Salt and making outrageous demands, just leave her alone. If she was just saying politely "no thank you" to offered food just leave her to it. She won't starve. When I was a kid I preferred to pretend I wasn't hungry and avoid the hassle.

Kewcumber · 18/05/2014 09:47

why do you keep saying lots of choices?

Whether mum should have made clearer or not isn't really the issue here. OP asked what she could have done differently and I think (obviously you don't) that she should have swallowed her irritation with an 8 year old who hadn't eaten anything except an apple the night before a piece of toast or cereal. Anything less is IMVHO just as much bad manners as being picky about what food you eat. At least the child has the excuse that she's 8!

Refusing to have her for a sleepover again is a ridiculous over-reaction. Though as someone else said - I doubt child will want to.

Dancergirl · 18/05/2014 09:47

I agree flippety it sounds like the OP did it just to reinforce the point - 'no alternatives offered here'.

OP sometimes a bit of flexibility and kindness is called for.

YABVVU

Icimoi · 18/05/2014 09:48

I don't get why OP has suddenly become the villain here - and yes, I have read all her posts. She offered the child several choices as an alternative to pizza but she would have none of them - why would it be any different in the morning? There's a very strong chance that a child who won't eat crackers and pancakes also won't accept cereal or toast - particularly if she knows that, if she holds out, her mum will go and buy her pizza for breakfast instead, ffs. How is this child ever going to manage on things like school trips? If my child went to someone else for a sleepover, I would expect them to eat at least some of what is offered unless it really is revolting.

And OP is not saying that her dc will never have her best friend over again, just that she won't ask her for a sleepover. Which, in the circumstances, seems entirely sensible.