to give up trying to feed this child?

[ankar]

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP, I say YANBU, though I'd have offered toast in the morning. I had a fusspot over a few weeks ago and her mum told me she'd eat pasta as long as it didn't have tomato sauce on it - but no, she wouldn't, and she wouldn't even try it. So she had an apple for supper, hardly ideal but I am not a restaurant and I don't have a menu of alternatives to offer. She did eat pancakes the next morning though, after remarking that they were MUCH smaller and had MUCH less syrup on them than she would normally have at home.

I don't really understand the flak you are getting on here for assuming she would like pizza. Her mum told you she would, and then she asked for it on the way home!

I don't see why you're excluding her from subsequent sleepovers. Can't you just point out to her parents that she didn't eat anything last time, so it might be an idea if they pack her something snacky they know she'll eat, or just drop her off after she's eaten at home?

I have a certain amount of sympathy as I have a mate with a daughter who sounds quite similar - used to ruling the roost at home & usually terribly surprised that no-one in my house is really interested in how much she eats when she comes to us for a sleepover.

It's just not a big deal; she isn't going to waste away overnight. Really not worth getting cross about or not letting your dd have her friend to sleep over.

But op, the advice for fussy eaters is to give them what they will eat and also to give them small amounts of new foods but not make a fuss if they don't eat the new food.

It would be a shame for your dd never to have her friend for a sleeper again just because you won't be kind to her friend

Clearly you just dont like her and the food is an a excuse not to have her there otherwise you wouldn't rule out a sleep over after one occasion.

I mean you could ask her mum to send a packed .
meal for her. Many options.

You are the adult and you can't change a childs entire parenting just in one visit to your house.

She is just a wee girl with anxieties. What's wrong with a bit of kindness.2

That's a bit of a turn around Ankar

At the start of the thread you said that the girl was 'sweet' and that you liked her, you didn't know if she had food anxieties, you didnt know the mother that well, you assumed she'd eat pizza and that you'd ask her what she wanted to eat next time.

Now you are saying the child was rude, controlling, you know she would eat your 'lovely' pizza and you won't have her back.

Bit of a turnaround.

You know, when you have to do that it's pretty obvious all you care about is saving face.

Well done you, you've won. You're better than an 8 year old. Does it feel good?

I've never in my life been to or heard of before a household where there was no choice given at breakfast. You clearly have weird control issues op. your kids have adapted to live with it but your guests shouldn't have to.

I am truly amazed at how many people would just give DCs the very few foods they will happily eat

Really?
Really?

Why would I not give dcs (or none else) foods they would happily eat? The alternative is to give them foods they will be unhappy to eat. Or for them not o eat.
Oh wait,that's what you did.

If you're dealing with a fussy eater there's no pointing pushing the issue.
Gradually offering news foods in a non threatening way is useful over time.
But not with a guest.

I think you allowed yourself to get in a mood about nothing. And it was t the detriment of the little girl.
In that situation my priority would have been helping my dd's best friend feel welcome and comfortable.

You came say for definite that it's a child controlling parent issue.

No one knew about my food anxieties. Not even my parents. I too resorted to wearing a dressing gown and putting food in my pocket. When out at restaurants I'd do the same and flush it down the toilet. I'd be sitting there wretch ing into my plate but I'd hide it so no one saw. I had friends parents that were similar to OP and I'd just cry. Sometimes if be able to save it til I got home, so again no one knew. I got better as a teenager but was only over this in my twenties. I still feel given the right/wrong situation I could regress. I did when DD was born. I was so terrified of the responsibility of such a tiny baby that I barely ate for two weeks. Even though I was bf.

It was only years later, when I told my dad that anyone knew. Now we laugh at it because I'm a big fat pig that will eat anything.

Can't *

I agree with LtEve.

You started by saying she was your daughter's "best friend" and had only started sleeping over recently. You ended the OP by asking:

"What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?"

If your OP was sincere, (which seems increasingly unlikely, as LtEve pointed out), many people have said that you could have offered a simple alternative throughout the sleepover (like bread, fruit, plain pasta, crackers and cheese, etc). In the future you should ask the girl's mother to send her with a packed dinner if she has eating issues, or you should ask exactly what the child will eat (what kind of frozen pizza). Alternately, you can serve up your food, explain in a friendly way to both parent and child that at your house, you don't offer snacks or alternatives, and cheerfully accept the child's decision whether to eat or not.

You should not try to reform this child as: 1) it is not possible for you to do that 2) you seem not to like her (never a good starting point) and 3) you seem to have control issues yourself.

OP = bully! (To that little girl in this instance anyway).

And a terrible host too.

But there where snacks (crackers, yogurt, fruit etc) thats what I don't get about the attacks. In the op's house her dc don't have lots of options but she gave the girl lots of options even to her own dc's surprise.
Pizza that the child had chosen every topping on or crackers, fruit, yogurt is not the same as pizza or nothing.

OP I posted a long while ago after your incredibly smug posts where you claimed that your children ate well because you had higher expectations of them and took them out to restaurants 'in far flung places'.

I still don't think you have really understood the issue here. The issue isn't whether you tried hard (you did, that was reasonable), that the child didn't eat or what you might have done differently at breakfast. That is abundantly clear (you could have offered cereal or toast).

The issue that I and many other posters have with you is that you have decided that an otherwise perfectly nice child is not allowed to stay over because she was fussy, and because that upset YOU. Not because she was mean to your kids or broke things or bullied the dog, but because she committed the major sin of not liking the food you put effort into preparing. And that into the mix you have chucked a big pile of hoikypants judgements about your superior parenting which makes you come across as self satisfied and smug.

It's a bit like buying someone a gift that you think they will love and it falls a bit flat. It's disappointing, yes, and you may feel crestfallen. But it doesn't make the gift receiver a mean and nasty person who you must cut from your life. You just move on.

It would be very easy for you to contact this Mum - as she is your DD's best friend, not just a random friend- and say 'the food bit didn't go too well but the girls had a lovely time otherwise. Next time how about you send a packed tea?'. BUt you won't, because YOU decided to take a fussy eating issue personally, and as a result your DD will miss out on having her BEST friend stay over. Well played, OP, well played.

In our house the child was happy and never upset, even when refusing food.

Just a heads up, not everyone with anxiety curls up in a ball and cries in a corner. Some kids get more hyper when they're anxious, some get quieter, some are very good at hiding it. She was obviously hungry if she was munching on an apple. Refusing to eat goes a bit beyond simply being spoiled.

Would it really have been so hard to just ask the girl what she wanted? It just doesn't seem like it would have been too much hassle to make a different or breakfast.

There's been plenty of times as an adult that I've forgotten to eat because I'm just distracted. It's very possible she could have been distracted and not able to feel hunger at that moment.

But it's just as well you don't allow DD's friend to spend the night again. The poor kid doesn't need to be around immature adults that take something an 8 year old does personally.

Crackers, fruit, yoghurt are an accompaniment to a meal, not an alternative meal.

Couldn't she even have offered the child a plate of chips, or a bloody sandwich?

Where does it say the child chose every topping on the pizza? An OP as controlling as this one is unlikely to have let her .

DDs chicken nugget friend is coming today. DH and I will be having roast chicken and new potatoes with either salad or veg. Also on the table will be chicken nuggets and potato waffles. DDs friend will definately choose that option, DD will prob have a mixture. There will be no angst, no smug oneupmanship and no upset.

But ankar even if it's a child controlling mum issue that's not your issue! You can't correct someone else's parenting!

She is a guest in your house for ONE night. Just give the child some food she'll eat and stop over thinking it.

So you asked what she ate? Provided whatbyjunwrre told she ate? And she didn't eat it?

Turned down everything else offered and your a bad host for not offering sixty choices for breakfast?

God.

Fwiw I'd have not made scrambled egg as it would have been wrong too.

God if my kids go to someone's house they either eat what they are given or go without. I would not expect the host to go through their entire cupboard. Nothing wrong with pan cakes and if she wanted toast she could have asked.

It's ridiculous how weird revolting combos of pasta and yogurt are apparently the answer and as for toast, well I very much doubt given she turned down everything else that she woulda eaten toast either. Waste of time wasting more food when she's not going to eat it.

Provided what you were told she ate

iPhone on way out

How rude, that child was your guest, you sound like a most unwelcoming host!

Before DS had a guest with not yet diagnosed ASD round I checked what he like to eat and made it. 10 years later if I hear he's coming for dinner, I change my plans to accommodate him.

I know the family well enough to be pretty certain this is not a food issue but a general child controlling mum issue

You really are an expert, aren't you? I imagine you'd have diagnosed my DS in the same way.

Turned down everything else offered and your a bad host for not offering sixty choices for breakfast?

Nothing like exaggerating to try to make your point.

Child was offered one option for dinner and didn't like it and was offered a couple of snacks instead - didn't make a fuss and ate an apple despite being (according to the OP) obviously hungry.

OP could have offered toast or cereal for breakfast and job done. Genial host has made reasonable accommodations to a possibly fussy eating child and child hasn't caused a fuss about not liking any of it, behaved pretty well on the whole and a nice time was had by all.

Instead OP has decided that her daughter cannot have friend over for a sleepover again.

OP asked what she could have done or offered her in the morning - and lost of people have said - offer her something else for breakfast. Its hardly sixty choices!

And I regularly ask DS what he fancies for tea. There is only him and me and I don't find it outlandish to sometimes ask what he wants - or no more outlandish than me insisting we always eat what I decide.

I can see if you have a large family you can't do this often but surely you do it sometimes. Your children getting exasperated with a child who is used to being asked what they want to eat probably made her horribly self conscious about it and when you shrugged in the morning and refused to make the (relatively usual) offer of toast or cereal instead probably made her feel even worse.

She asked her mum for pizza in the morning because she was starving not haven't had dinner or breakfast!